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Jessicasc1970

Erection Problem

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I’m sure this has been asked and answered numerous times, but I hope you will indulge me. My husband can’t get hard when I am with another guy. Any suggestions?

 

A little background. He tried for years to get me into swinging, and finally convinced me last year. Our first trip was to Trapeze for a wild night. I hooked up too quick with a guy who was an ass afterwards, so big of an ass I thought my husband was going to punch him. We almost left, but stuck around for a while. We eventually moved to the hot tubs and started having sex, we moved from there to an open bed and continued going at it. My husband took a break and went down to eat me, and a single guy started playing with my tits. My husband moved away and I had sex with the other guy, and two more. My husband lost his erection during this. He says he enjoyed watching. When we got back to the hotel and were talking about our experience, he was very aroused and we had sex that night and twice the next morning.

 

Since then I have had three experiences with single guys. Each time he has not been able to get it up. He will suck my tits and even eat me during the play time, but we both want to experience DP and DVP. When we are finally alone we have fantastic sex

 

While it has been fun, especially Trapeze, it has not been as fulfilling as it would be with him involved. I have not had an orgasm with any of these experiences, but have enjoyed the sex, and have cum with him afterwards

 

He loves talking about me with another guy, and it gets him instantly hard, and if we are talking about it during sex it will push him to the limit quickly.

 

We have not found a couple or single female yet, so we don’t know how that will work.

 

He stresses out about not getting an erection, and how that leads to me not having as good of a time as I would with him in me. He also worries when we find the right couple he won’t be able to perform then either.

 

Any suggestions other than the little blue pill?

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there's an obvious question.. what is his age? Even though this just showed up.. T-levels change and can be an interference.

Plus, the more he worries, or is thinking about it, the more of an issue it will become. been there done that.

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This is a more common issue than you may think. Males of all ages are subject to the whims of the reflex loop that precipitates the erection process. I've had situations where the eroticism was off the charts, and matched my fantasies exactly....but I had difficulties maintaining an erection. Many other times, no problem. There are SO many physical and psychophysiological processes that are involved with achieving and maintaining a good, strong erection that it's almost a miracle that anyone DOES. The negative feedback loop of issue->loss of erection->worry->loss of erection->Anxiety->loss of erection->Try harder->Loss of erection->frustration->loss of erection is insidious. Even the "little blue pill" or other NO enhancers don't help when the problem includes such factors.

 

While he watches, does he masturbate?? How does he feel when he talks about seeing you with these men? Does it arouse him? Does he have any competitive feelings, feelings of being left out, feelings of inadequacy? All of these can be erection killers. How old his he? Has he had issues with YOU? (If not, this suggests psychological causes rather than any physiological issues).

 

All of us have been there...I'd love to help!

 

Tiger.

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Thanks for the feedback. It is nice to know it has happened to others, although I wish it didn't happen to anyone. He is 47 and doesn’t have any problems with me unless he is exhausted or super stressed. If he is having problems, talking about being with another guy will solve the problem.

 

Single guy #2 for me had the issue of going up and down, and my husband tald me it wasn't me, it was the stress of having to perform, that women can fake having fun but if a guy isn't working, it is obvious.

 

When he is watching he is often playing with me and he will occasionally rub himself, but he doesn’t get hard. He enjoys watching, and enjoys talking about it afterwards which leads to fantastic sex. I’m sure he doesn’t feel inadequate since he makes me cum, and I haven’t had an orgasm while swinging. Talking about it down the road is a turn on for him, more so than it is for me, and leads to more fantastic sex.

 

He tells me it is the stress of not having gotten up, and continuing to think about it, and thinking about why he can’t get up that is the problem. I just don’t know how to help him with this.

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He tells me it is the stress of not having gotten up, and continuing to think about it, and thinking about why he can’t get up that is the problem. I just don’t know how to help him with this.

 

This certainly can be a problem. It's amazing how difficult it is to keep memories of past issues out of your head(s) when you're in the middle of play. Even though HE is the only one (at this point) that makes you cum, have you asked him if he has any negative feelings with respect to seeing you with another man? I know that he talks about it before and after, and it seems to arouse him to a significant degree, there are some folks who have similar feelings during downtime but who actually feel left out, jealous and diminished somehow when they see the woman they love impaled on another man's penis. I know several people who have had this issue, and have had the issue myself in our early days in the LS. I think that, no matter how much we love seeing our SO with another man, there is something innately frightening about it. This fear can create feelings of jealousy, inadequacy (that "I'm Not Good Enough" feeling) and competitiveness even when we are also feeling very aroused. I've said in other posts that the very aspects of sharing our partners that create the most arousal often are those that also generate the negative emotions I've listed. The power of these emotions, in most of us who embrace the swing lifestyle, is converted into erotic energy that drives our swinging adventures. This is, most probably, overly simplified, but you get the idea. The male libido and it's connection to the erection mechanism is such a complicated arrangement, that it's difficult to understand, sometimes, how we are ever able to get hard!!!!

 

This passage in your original post seems telling:

 

"My husband moved away and I had sex with the other guy, and two more. My husband lost his erection during this."

 

I'm assuming that once he became flaccid, he was unable to get hard again while you were fucking the other guys. And yet, once you were done and alone again, the memory of these episodes arouses him to the point of no return. Again, from what I've read, and what I experienced myself the first times I saw my wife taken by another man, what you describe seems fairly common among males. Were the other guys that you were with much different physically or personality-wise from your husband? If you ask your husband not to fantasize about the situations, but to VISUALIZE you as you were with one of them in your hottest moments...with the other guy deeply penetrating you and you enjoying it immensely....is he able to get hard? If you are bisexual, how does he fare when he sees you play with a woman? Is he able to get hard then?

 

From what I can see, your husband has a common issue, and it seems (although I'm not giving medical or psychological advice here) psychological in its basis. I think the two of you should explore his feelings about seeing you enjoy penetrative sex with another man. Talk about specifics during the experiences while he masturbates and ask things like "How did you feel when you saw him......(fill in the blank with DETAILS of what he did)". If you talk about your experiences (remember, your literal experiences, not fantasies) while he masturbates for you, you may find you run into a visualization that causes him to lose his erection. If you do, you have something to talk about. If not, you can continue to explore and discuss. And discussion can't hurt!

 

Many men who LOVE the LS have this problem, and there is certainly no shame in it, nor in the "little blue pill" as a helper. Please continue to post and let us know how it's going and what you've discovered. It may help others as well!

 

Tiger

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Arousal and hard ons aren't just the product of sexual situations they have to be your sexual situation and the likelyhood of actual sex happening. An example

 

At a hot tub party a girl I'd known for 30 years and fantasized about more than once. Gorgeous body and she is beautiful. Everybody ends up naked and she is parked in my lap.

 

Gorgeous bod (did I mention that), fantasy girl and naked (squirming) on top of me. You'd think something would "pop".

 

Deep down I understood sex wasn't going to happen (vanilla party) and therefore it wasn't a sexual situation at all and nothing responded. Had we been in bed and heading for full blown sex I can assure you everything would have been standing up and saluting. That I would have seen as a sexual situation and MY sexual situation.

 

I wonder if your husband sees these situations as you and your lovers sexual situation but not his, he is just a bystander. But when you two get back together that is now his and he responds with no problem.

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Anxiety of not being able to perform is a erection killer. Suddenly something you just "trusted" no longer is working. I had this issue only once, had multiple good reasons for why it happened, yet it still was in the back of my mind for a number of encounters.

 

My advice is to not have sex for a week or so before your next encounter (and tell him to lay off the lotion), maximum horniness can help. Once you trust your little friend again, the anxiety will be less.

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Jessicasc1970 said:
Any suggestions other than the little blue pill?

 

Seriously though, (from what you describe), the problem seems to be psychological, so why not even the score a bit. At one point this happened to me as well... a mutual LS friend suggested a half a blue pill, and voila. Problem solved!

 

Under regular circumstances he does not need an "enhancement", but anxiety prevents him from getting hard, so a lil pick me up doesn't seem like a bad thing. (Unless there a medical reason for not using it of course...)

 

Just my nickel's worth.

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It is perfectly normal. Holli and Michael gave a de-brief on that issue on 'Swing Nightcap Live' after an episode where the guy lost his erection. The number one thing you need to know, is that almost all guys as some stage in their lives will have an incident where they can't get an erection. Don't feel bad, it's not the end of the world, it just hurts the ego for a little while. My man uses a natural supplement (Zenerect) when we play just as a precautionary measure and also to give him the confidence to know he can perform when tired or worn out. He finds it better and cheaper than popping blue pills and I have no complaints.

 

Personally, I have been around the lifestyle long enough not to take it personally if a guy goes soft during play and will do everything in my power to make him feel comfortable and relaxed.

 

When you find the RIGHT couple, they won't judge and will happily try again another time.

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Thanks for the feedback. It is nice to know it has happened to others, although I wish it didn't happen to anyone. He is 47 and doesn’t have any problems with me unless he is exhausted or super stressed.

 

...

 

He tells me it is the stress of not having gotten up, and continuing to think about it, and thinking about why he can’t get up that is the problem. I just don’t know how to help him with this.

 

Stress is stress and comes in MANY forms and can be a sure fire erection killer. Stress can be created simply by distractions, it can be a response to a new situation, to be uncomfortable. And then as others said there is the loop... initially you are just stressed at the new situation, then you are stressed because you can't get it up, and it just builds on itself.

 

Have all of your experiences been with the SAME guy or different guys? If they've been different guys, I'd suggest sticking to one guy for the next few, and prior to playing make sure to take some time for the guys to really get to know each other and ensure that your husband feels comfortable he could sit and have a beer with this guy without you there, or trust the guy with you if he wasn't there. That may help. Even with that, it may take a couple of play sessions but I have a feeling those things may help.

 

That's just a thought based on our own experience. While we don't play with singles but only couples we've found that my hubby's comfort level determines his ability to get/maintain an erection. The comfort of the room/ surroundings (ie. not on a hard floor or jammed into a tiny space on a couch), as well as his comfort with the people involved.

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We play with a guy that found a solution to the issue your husband is experiencing by having a urologist prescribe a (fairly common I guess for them) solution of PGE. I won't go into it here, just google PG and ED. It may make you shiver when you first read about it, but believe me, it is really no big deal. I watched him administer it, and a guy can't help but get hard. It is something my husband is looking into just for the 'recreational possibilities'. Good Luck.

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