Jump to content
jnhinsd

Performance anxiety fear?

Recommended Posts

We have been swinging for almost 2 years now...but the problem is it has only been MFM 3-somes...we did have 1 full swap with a couple which brings me to the point of this post. I was unable to get an erection...don't get me wrong, I was turned on and I enjoyed everything I saw but for the life of me I couldn't get it up.

 

Here is my issue with this. To this day I have been unable to actually go through with any plans with other couples because of my FEAR...I just can't seem to get myself to do it...I AM SCARED.

 

Any good advice? :(

Share this post


Link to post

Try again, but don't put yourself under the pressure to perform. If you tried a little same room sex, or soft swapping during the next encounter, it might go better for you. The idea is to plan on not having intercourse with anyone but your own spouse.

 

I'll bet that will do the trick and as you get accustomed to that, the rest will follow.

Share this post


Link to post

I think that BradandJanet's advice was perfect.

 

I'd keep the focus off your fear, too. Don't tell other couples why you're a soft-swap couple other than just that you're new with couples and you want to start slow. That's all they need to know. Giving them TMI right away could make you feel more pressured with them.

Share this post


Link to post

Number one OP,

 

I COMMEND you for being honest and searching yourself to find out what is going on. Number two, do NOT feel bad at all. You are not the only man dealing with this issue. I absolutely agree with the 2nd post. You need to relax. The more you think about it the more you are going to stay nervous. I do know that some gentlemen go to their doctors and get assistance in forms such as Viagra and Cialis. I am not an R.N. or a Dr., all I can tell you about that is please do not buy it over the internet. You need to go through your Dr. because they are the ones that know your medical history and whether or not its a safe option for you. Jay asked his Dr. about V in December and was told no because he was having issues with his hypertension at that time. So please go through your Dr.

 

Now, you probably just need to relax........I KNOW, easy for me to say, right!!

 

I think one option that would do well for you is this: You get nervous at the thought of having sex with a new woman. You need to find a couple or a few couples that you see on a regular basis....this way you can relax around her and feel comfortable. And please remember that you have NOTHING to be ashamed about. Feel free to tell a lady that you are feeling nervous. Have FUN. Remember to have FUN!! You will do great. Sorry so long,

 

Shelly

Share this post


Link to post

Mr. P here.

 

Advice here has been spot on. The Mrs and I have had a few encounters, and even though we consider ourselves seasoned enough to be over the "sensory over stimulation" portion of the lifestyle, I still occasionally run into this. I would submit that a majority of men who are in this lifestyle have run into a situation where not all parts were cooperating with the master plan of the evening. Hell, happened to me last night!

 

A few things will help you though this. Keep at it! Once your mind sorts it all out and can settle down, your dick will follow. It's a lot like trying to talk a cat out of a tree... It takes time and patience!

 

Don't let past performance define future expectations. If you get hard enough to cut diamonds with the wifey, then you know that from a physiological standpoint you're good to go. Just relax and go with the flow. If your man shows up to party, great! If not, fall back on that mindblowing oral you've been learning! If you can relax and concentrate on getting her off, sometimes it's just the distraction you need to get your mind off the problem! If not, again. So be it!

 

If you're with a couple you feel uncomfortable with or in a situation you're uncomfortable with don't expect miracles, correct the problem. If you're distracted by your wife and the other guy having all the fun, propose a switch! She knows your buttons better then the other F, especially since you just met her an hour ago! If you're with a couple that can't respect that, you're with the wrong couple.

 

This one is nearly impossible, I know, but it bears mentioning. Don't get too concerned about what she's thinking about your problem. You're the man, not your dick! If she's playing with you and it ain't happening, time to turn the tables and get her squirming!

 

Beyond all of that, just relax and do what feels right and comfortable. The rest will follow suit when it's good and ready to!

Share this post


Link to post

Wow Mr. P, that's one of the best posts on this topic I've ever read on this board. It's so common for so many men in the lifestyle...I'm sure your post will help a lot of guys.

 

Question for you...

 

The Mrs and I have had a few encounters, and even though we consider ourselves seasoned enough to be over the "sensory over stimulation" portion of the lifestyle, I still occasionally run into this.

 

Can you explain exactly what is going on when a man is experiencing "sensory over stimulation"? As a woman in the lifestyle who has run into a fair share of jittery men with performance anxieties, I'd like to understand this better. Please explain the whole sensory thing to me. Thanks!

Share this post


Link to post

The whole situation was bad for me,  because it was our 1st time for a lot of things. It did start out with just us together before we switched, but I couldn't even get it hard with my wife. Both of them even tag-teamed me while giving me head and nothing. They also played with each other too. It was bad. I ended up just going down on the girl and she did say she enjoyed that. I just felt so alone at that point that on the way home all I did was stare out the window, and ever since I haven't been able to get over the fear of a sequel that I have purposely flaked out on every single couple that has requested to play with us...depressing :sad:

Share this post


Link to post
jnhinsd said:
I have purposely flaked out on every single couple that has requested to play with us...depressing :sad:

 

Does your wife know this is why you're flaking out? Does she know how upset you are about this? What does she say?

 

What do you think of the idea of going strictly soft-swing...would that take the pressure off of you enough to get your confidence back?

Share this post


Link to post

You might want to take a look at an old thread: Help! Problems "rising" to the occasion...

 

In a nutshell: don't worry, it happens. Just have a good time and use your imagination. When it happens to me, I'm up-front about it, and just go on giving pleasure and receiving it with a smile. If Viagra, Levitra or Cialis works for you, that can also help.

Share this post


Link to post

I'm sorry that you have gone through this! I don't know what to tell you that will help you relax. Number one, women who have been in the lifestyle for awhile should not freak out or become angry or upset if this happens if you are honest from the beginning and satisfy her in other ways. But it sounds like this is a mental issue....like your manhood and confidence have been hit. One thing that I would suggest would be to try soft. Have sex with your wife around another couple. Also, I still say that getting to know a couple well would do you wonders. Go to dinner with them, maybe just go to a bar once or twice (of course, if this is a couple that is cool with that) just to get to know each other. I think if you could get to know her to the point of relaxing you would do great. And there are TONS of men that are like this, you are NOT alone! Lots of men do not perform on the first play date. Shelly

Share this post


Link to post
Can you explain exactly what is going on when a man is experiencing "sensory over stimulation"? As a woman in the lifestyle who has run into a fair share of jittery men with performance anxieties, I'd like to understand this better. Please explain the whole sensory thing to me. Thanks!

 

All guys know what they have to do but there is a huge problem. It is impossible not think about something that you have to try not to think about.

Share this post


Link to post
All guys know what they have to do but there is a huge problem. It is impossible not think about something that you have to try not to think about.

 

Thanks for replying, but I don't understand the meaning of your answer at all. What has this got to do with "sensory over stimulation"?

Share this post


Link to post
Tybee Swing said:
Thanks for replying, but I don't understand the meaning of your answer at all. What has this got to do with "sensory over stimulation"?

 

I think what Tybee's trying to say is simply that the more you try not thinking about something, the more you end up thinking about it.

Share this post


Link to post

No, what Tybee is asking is this: As women who have been with men with this issue, its easier to be kind if we understand what a man is experiencing. If I can understand what you are feeling its easier for me not to become frustrated. So what we want to know is what exactly is a man feeling or thinking when you say he is having sensory overload? I mean, is he thinking about himself physically, her, the other husband, his wife? I know personally I am just curious as to what exactly he is thinking. I'm analytical in nature and so it helps me to know what exactly is going on.

 

Shelly

Share this post


Link to post

Hi Brad, I understood that part (like telling someone to not think about pink elephants, and then it's all you can think about). However, in swing settings, everyone is thinking about sex from the time they get there. At least, it's in the back of their minds, and it's in front of their eyes. This doesn't tend to stress people out, in and of itself. Seeing or thinking about sex doesn't have to be over stimulating.

 

I don't see how this relates to that earlier post from Mr.P about what "sensory over stimulation" is all about. Does this mean that the whole scene is just too much for them? They can't deal with all this sexuality and all the hotness in the room and are over stimulated, as a result? Does being over stimulated mean that they are too excited to perform? Does this mean they'd be better off in settings that aren't so....stimulating? ;)

 

If getting into a room with another couple is over stimulating, how in the world will they be able to swing?

Share this post


Link to post
Tybee Swing said:
Hi Brad, I understood that part (like telling someone to not think about pink elephants, and then it's all you can think about). However, in swing settings, everyone is thinking about sex from the time they get there. At least, it's in the back of their minds, and it's in front of their eyes. This doesn't tend to stress people out, in and of itself. Seeing or thinking about sex doesn't have to be over stimulating.

 

I don't see how this relates to that earlier post from Mr.P about what "sensory over stimulation" is all about. Does this mean that the whole scene is just too much for them? They can't deal with all this sexuality and all the hotness in the room and are over stimulated, as a result? Does being over stimulated mean that they are too excited to perform? Does this mean they'd be better off in settings that aren't so....stimulating? ;)

 

If getting into a room with another couple is over stimulating, how in the world will they be able to swing?

 

Oops, what I should have said is "What lovinher is trying to say..." Got the wrong name there, sorry. Now I'll be thinking of pink elephants all day. :lol:

 

Good questions, but I'm afraid I don't have any real answers. I suppose it could be that some guys, especially when new to swinging, are feeling a lot of nervous pressure to perform with all that sexual energy around them (in other words, everybody else is 'doin' it', so I'd better be up for it too),but I can't say it's happened to me, so I really don't know.

Share this post


Link to post
Tybee Swing said:
Thanks for replying, but I don't understand the meaning of your answer at all. What has this got to do with "sensory over stimulation"?

 

Sensory over stimulation. I'm not sure what that means actually. So not a thing apparently, sorry. At least not how you intended the question.

I knew what I meant.

 

Let's say a guy's buddy isn't cooperating for whatever reason. Goddamn it! Who the fuck said PINK ELEPHANTS? It snowballs from there. He can be as turned on as ever but we all know the mind controls his buddy and sometimes it's the other way around. But if one is off, they both are. That is a sensory meltdown between him and his buddy. In a swinging situation, especially after reading HERE that it happens all the time I can easily see that happening. :D

 

jnhinsd, you already know you have to relax about it. If you read through the threads you will see there is nothing wrong with you. What works for you is anybodies guess. The advice given by the others is as good as it gets.

 

If you don't try though you will never get over it. That seems to be your main issue here. I used to be scared to death of heights. Then I got a job servicing billboards and the next thing you know I'm dangling 300 feet in the air from a 1/4" cable. I got over my fear real quick.

 

Ya know, I never really thought about this until I came to this board.

 

Pink elephants?

I'm screwed.

Share this post


Link to post
Tybee Swing said:

Can you explain exactly what is going on when a man is experiencing "sensory over stimulation"? As a woman in the lifestyle who has run into a fair share of jittery men with performance anxieties, I'd like to understand this better. Please explain the whole sensory thing to me. Thanks!

 

Hehe.. Sorry took me so long to get back to this thread..

 

Okay, here's what I was thinking with the "overstimulation" statement.

 

You're a guy who REALLY gets hot watching let's say two girls and a guy go at it in a porn. So now you go on fantasizing about it. Thing is, it's in your mind.. It's YOUR imagination, so you're controlling the action. It's hot. You get hard enough to bend pipe. You're good to go! This is gonna be awesome when it actually happens!

 

So now, you're in the situation, and suddenly there it is in all its fleshy puppy pile goodness! Now your brain starts to attempt to process this:

 

Do they want me in there?

 

Is this really okay for me to touch her there?

 

What if she doesn't like me touching her?

 

What's my wife thinking?

 

Man, it's hot in here... I'm sweating my ass off!

 

That guy's really having a great time... He can drive nails with that thing!

 

And speaking of cock, what the F*** is wrong with mine?! C'mon dude, lock and load already!

 

Wonder if they're put off cuz I can't get it up... God this is embarrassing!

 

...And now you've given your brain WAAAAAY more to sort through then the simple "I'm the MAN" thoughts you had when you were thinking of this in the controlled environment of your mind. Now, you and I both know that none of those are really real factors that are beyond any possible control, but when you first see it, the primal male machismo takes over and starts subconsciously sabotaging your higher sexual brain functions. "I've got game" says your higher brain function... "That guy walking around poking everyone with the perpetual hard-on is the Alpha dog" says your unconscious primal brain.

 

Guess which one easily short circuits the other! This is why I think it's never a good idea to use your first few experiences as an indicator of how your swinging experience will go. Once you get comfortable and things start to work in man-land, now you've got the confidence that you can indeed perform and it just gets easier from there.

Share this post


Link to post

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Similar Content

    • By let's do it again
      Just finished watching a YouTube video about the O and P shot, I had never heard of this. This is for middle aged men and women where a doctor uses a vial of your own blood,spins it and takes the platelets to inject back into the clitoris or the penis to improve blood flow. The doctor who did the video said she gets this treatment about every 9 months. She recommends this for people having problems with ED problems or orgasm difficulties.  So, have you heard of this or have you had this treatment?
    • By CrazyCampers
      The situation: We've been in the lifestyle for about 4 years now and I've never had a problem with erection (knock on wood). My problem (if you can call it that) is that lately I have not been able to get it up a second time! I, know, many of you are playing the world's smallest as I write this. All kidding aside, something has to be done...no?
       
      My background: Turning 40 with the libra sun, lost 40 some pounds this last year, don't drink alcohol, don't smoke but enjoying having sex with other men's wives .
       
      The wishlist: The love of my life (ball and chain) is taking me to Vegas next week to celebrate my 40th and it's also our first time in Sin City. I have an appointment with the doc before I leave and wanted to ask for some 'recreational sex drugs' to help with lasting longer amongst other things. However, like the post title says, it's mostly about getting a second if not a third 'woody' so that I am able to "party in your bedroom, all night long" to quote a Top40 song playing at the moment.
       
      The Drugs: Levitra and Viagra are the Pepsi and Coke of the recreational sex drug world with not many differences between the two, while Cialis seems to be of the energy drink flavour such as Red Bull. Like with all things in the world, some claim that Viagra is best and others swear by Levitra and Cialis. I, know it's a matter of personal choice and what works for you but I would like to hear from other guys in a similar siuation.
       
      The Bottom Line: I might drink on a night or two, eat at buffets and have sex with someone's wife...I'd like to be able to have sex with her twice if possible...even with a few drinks in me and too much buffet food!?!
       
      Which recreational sex drug would you recommend to your buddy?
    • By TheGermanCouple
      I hope to find suggestions and maybe own experiences here, because I'm getting very frustrated.
       
      My husband and I are married for 8 years and just opened up 4 months ago, although we were talking for a while. I was the one who wanted to take things slow to see how I will get along with jealousy etc. With jealousy was everything ok and we had 2x MMF, 1xFFM and wanted to try a MMFF yesterday. My husband never ha issues with getting hard and has no problems usually to keep it hard. But in all situations we had so far, he has problems to get hard.
       
      First time MMF - nothing. 2nd time worked for a bit, the same with FFM and yesterday, it didn't work at all.
       
      We tried yesterady and MMFF with a friend of ours we had the FFM with and another guy my friend and I had met on Sunday. We started with dinner and everything went well. My hubby and this guy were good buddies after a while I asked him how he feels and he said ok and gave his go to start. Everything was fine then, but he just couldn't get hard. He went down on me etc., I tried - nothing. Then with each minute he got more and more frustrated because we all were ready and wanted to fuck, but he couldn't. He said I could go and enjoy myself but I saw that he would be hurt and that he didn't really want it. So I didn't play with my friends, although I was super horny. He said he would feel like a looser when he would see how I play but he couldn't get it up. He rationally understands it and has not a problem to watch me with another man, but in this situ he would. The problem was it was at our place, so we couldn't just walk away. He got just very passive and didn't really wanted to continue at least to kiss or stroking etc. I already suggested to play seperately although I could have never imagine it so far, but he doesn't want to.
       
      I think its an confidence issue because he thinks he has an average penis which is not good enough compared to the guys we played with. Also he didn't had that many experiences with other woman before he met me to collect the experience that his cock is enough and pleasure bringing...
       
      And of course with every fail, he gets more and more frustrated so when we try next time he'll have even more pressure and probably won't get it up too. I feel so bad for him. We tried also the blue pill already, but it didn't work, cause you need to start to get hard and then the erection stays.
       
      No I don't know what to do and what else to try. I'm so afraid of the next situation when its like this. It just feels very uncomfortable for each of us. We could try more FFM, but I'm afraid he'll have the same problem, and it would make it harder for my comfort, not engange with another man while he is engaging with the other female. An FFM is not the same for me cause I don't think I'm bi. I'm still exploring and its fun, but not the same as playing with men.
       
      Does anyone has suggestions, recommendations and whatever?
    • By Mike6216
      So, me and the wife are new to swinging. We have soft swapped several times and full swapped (or at least tried to full swap) 4 times. The problem is, I was only able to get hard enough for penetration one of those times, and that was only for a few minutes. Last night was another failure. I just need help finding out what the issue is. I mean, I am completely comfortable with this couple, I am very attracted to her, and I'm totally turned on by watching my wife with them, so it just doesn't make sense to me. I even took cialis last night to make sure everything went smoothly. Not even that could do the trick. Im to the point where I'm embarrassed and wondering if I should even try again. Advice?
    • By JustAskJulie
      The above quote in the current thread regarding viagra use in swinging made me think about something I've been wondering. Why does ED have to have such a bad stigma attached to it? It happens! I think most of the time it is nerves or distractions more than anything else. Not being able to get it/keep it up only has the power that we give to it. If we treat it like it's no big deal then it's no big deal. If we continually act like it's a big deal then we make it an even bigger deal and thus increase the nervousness the next time around AND create our own distraction (with the worry). Rather than focus on whether or not it's hard or how great the sex turns out to be, why not just focus on the overall fun of the next and exciting experience. Chances are when everyone is laid back and just enjoying the fun without focusing on something so insignificant, the relaxation alone will decrease the chance of the "issue" arising.
×
×
  • Create New...