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  1. #46
    Swingers Board Addict ncmd_couple's Avatar
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    Default Re: He is a swinger; this is all new to me

    I have struggled with identifying what I fear. The one which I have already mentioned is the fear of being "found out." I worry about being judged harshly by those in the vanilla world and being ruined professionally and rejected personally. Over the past few days, I also realize that I am worried that I might be harassed or pressured by someone I already know who I run into at a club or party.
    Dburton,

    This for me was also a great fear. For reasons I won't go into here, I was afraid that if my swinging activities were found out, then I would be ruined professionally forever. My employment options would be reduced to maybe working for Wal-Mart. I also feared the blackmail aspect of running into a co-worker, or being pressured by them.

    Ok, swinging clubs and parties are "closed" events. It isn't like a bar on the corner that just anyone can or could walk into. They have to put out some effort. This means there are no pictures of you being there, there is no evidence of you being there, only the other person's word. And quite frankly, they would be damaging their careers just as much as they would be damaging yours. This reduces the risk of being outed to nil in my book. And unless you have an ethics clause in your terms of employment which restricts your personal life, what are they gonna do?

    Then there is the blackmail or pressure aspect. Well, if they try that then they can kiss their swinging goodbye! The word gets around real quick and they will very quickly find themselves isolated and then clubs will stop accepting their reservations.

    But the reality is, I have no fear of swingers. Personally we have not met anyone that I would think for a second would out us for any reason. This goes for singles as well as couples. Yeah, you will run into all kinds of people in the swinging community just like in real life. But the real difference is that you are in charge! You get to make the decisions, and no means no, and anyone who violates that will find their butt sitting on the curb so fast that they won't know what happened.

    Fear isn't rational, but you can asses dangers in a rational way, then decide on what you consider to be an acceptable risk. Then take the steps you feel are necessary to minimize those risks.

    S
    Try anything once, twice if it is fun, three times if it is real good!

  2. #47
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    Default Re: He is a swinger; this is all new to me

    Dear ncmd_couple (and anyone else who would like to respond),

    Thank you for laying one fear to rest. I have read a number of posts on outing, but yours really hit the point home.

    One of the most interesting things about being a newbie is that it is getting me to look much more closely at my assumptions, beliefs, and fears about relationships and about sexuality.

    I know a number of people have mentioned jealousy, but I am not jealous by nature. (e.g., I had no problems when my previous boyfriend socialized with his ex-girlfriends while he was dating me -- including his spending weekends away with them.) My concern is that I will have a difficult time just being sexual/enjoying recreational sex, that I am not attractive enough, that I am not (as the old saying goes) "good enough in bed", etc. and that, ultimately, I will be a disappointment not only to the man I am playing with but to the man I am currently dating.

    I am hoping that I can "manage" my feeling/ thoughts in a similar way to how I "manage" my stage fright. Even though I have given hundreds of presentations, each time I give one my heart beats rapidly, I feel lightheaded, and I wonder what possessed me to pick my profession. Once I begin speaking, I relax, and I eventually feel energized. .... If you have any ideas of how I can lessen my fears regarding sexual inadequacy besides "feel the fear and do it anyway" I would love to hear them.

  3. #48
    Swingers Board Addict ncmd_couple's Avatar
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    Default Re: He is a swinger; this is all new to me

    I am hoping that I can "manage" my feeling/ thoughts in a similar way to how I "manage" my stage fright. Even though I have given hundreds of presentations, each time I give one my heart beats rapidly, I feel lightheaded, and I wonder what possessed me to pick my profession. Once I begin speaking, I relax, and I eventually feel energized. .... If you have any ideas of how I can lessen my fears regarding sexual inadequacy besides "feel the fear and do it anyway" I would love to hear them.
    dburton,

    Funny that you mention this. Because that is exactly the way it is when you go to a swinger's club. There is all the preperation, the clothes, the makup, what to wear come witching hour, all of those things. Driving up to security and giving your first names. Then actually walking in to the receptionist and registering. Then being the newbie walking into the club for your first time and you feel like a spot light just came on and shines on you and everyone turns to look. But, they didn't really.

    Then you know what? It didn't take us 30 minutes to shed all of that and realize that we had just entered the sexiest environment that we had ever been in. That we were meeting the nicest people. Then within two hours we wrapped towels around us as we got out of the hot tub and sat at the bar in only a towel visiting with the other nice people there.

    So what you are feeling, we all feel the same thing! But after the first couple of times, you look forward to the anticipation, the rush, then you are on a different plane after that point. Something you will never find in a vanilla environment.

    S
    Try anything once, twice if it is fun, three times if it is real good!

  4. #49
    Swingers Board Addict bbarnsworth's Avatar
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    Default Re: He is a swinger; this is all new to me

    ncmd hit it right on the head. I'd just like to add that being worked up about your own beauty and performance in bed is really counter productive. I mean, it's a good idea to look your best, but beyond that don't fret about it. What matters is what other people think, not what you think.

    And guess what? Guaranteed, there will be people who are not attracted to you. Guaranteed, there will be people attracted to you. Same goes for your manner in bed. You can no more change that than you can change the color of the sky. Just be yourself. Let the rest come to you.

  5. #50
    Swingers Board Addict ViSexual's Avatar
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    Default Re: He is a swinger; this is all new to me

    You wrote;

    "Even though I have given hundreds of presentations, each time I give one my heart beats rapidly, I feel lightheaded, and I wonder what possessed me to pick my profession. Once I begin speaking, I relax, and I eventually feel energized"

    Now isn't having sex with someone for the first time, in any situation, a lot like that?

    I think that you'll do just fine. And, Sweetie, you have such a great attitude and open mind to all of this that you'll make any lucky partner feel lucky to have you, I'm sure!

  6. #51
    Swingers Board Guide SW_PA_Couple's Avatar
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    Default Re: He is a swinger; this is all new to me

    Quote Originally Posted by dburton View Post
    Does anyone have any ideas??? (If this information is relevant, we are both in our early 50s.)
    I am not answering directly to the original poster's questions but I will, rather, make an observation. I am sensing something in this thread that I have sensed while reading others; "We shall come rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves." This lifestyle does not need converts. There are many whom it would harm rather than help.

    That being said, I will answer dburton's original question, based upon feeling rather than any kind of logic. Your man friend has put you into a very difficult position. I think he is the one who needs to make a decision; not you.

    ~Michael
    "I'll be mellow when I'm dead" ~Wierd Al Yankovic

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    Default Re: He is a swinger; this is all new to me

    Dear SW_PA_Couple,

    This lifestyle does not need converts. There are many whom it would harm rather than help.
    Could you please elaborate on your comments -- specifically, could you please elaborate on the second sentence?

  8. #53
    Swingers Board Guide SW_PA_Couple's Avatar
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    Default Re: He is a swinger; this is all new to me

    Quote Originally Posted by dburton View Post
    Could you please elaborate on your comments -- specifically, could you please elaborate on the second sentence?
    Understand, first of all, that this "observation" was not meant as an answer to your question or to be directed at you.

    Yes, getting into the lifestyle can be harmful to some. The primary reason for anybody, male or female, to seek casual sex is to please himself or herself. To get into it to please someone else sets up internal conflict. I'm not a trained psychiatrist so I have no tools for analyzing this. But I have seen examples. The most extreme was a woman who fell into a heap on my living room floor in-tears after her boy-friend and my wife had gone upstairs to the bedroom, "I really want to make him happy but I can't do this." The more mild example is a woman who decided, OK, if that's what he wants, I'll do it. She got into it so enthusiastically that it surprised and upset him a bit. She has told my wife (girl-talk) that she feels her relationship with the man cannot advance unless he lets go of the idea.

    You're own messages here at this bulletin board suggest to me that you are an adult who is investigating methodically and thoughtfully.

    ~Michael
    Last edited by SW_PA_Couple; 02-08-2009 at 04:49 PM.
    "I'll be mellow when I'm dead" ~Wierd Al Yankovic

  9. #54
    Has Left the Building iapr's Avatar
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    Default Re: He is a swinger; this is all new to me

    This is still an interesting thread and there are some good thoughts and ideas being shared here.

    I'll throw in a few more random thoughts.

    - Here's a simple little formula I've shared before that I think may apply here as well.

    If a couple is working together for the common benifit of the relationship PLUS each partner has full veto rights and has equal decision making authority = swinging GOOD.

    If one party is pursuing/manipulating it for his/her own benifit OR there is a disparity in decision making authority = swinging BAD.

    Wisdom is being able to tell which catagory you fall under.

    - As a general rule if two fundamentally sane, sober and responsible people are making a rational decision together and each party is respectfull and compassionate of the others person's best interests, and both people go into it with their eyes and their minds open and they aren't afraid to walk away at any point there usually isn't much that truly goes wrong.

  10. #55
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    Default Re: He is a swinger; this is all new to me

    Dear SW_PA_couple (and everyone else who has posted on this and other forums),

    Thank you for your clarification. By asking questions and reading postings, I have learned so much not only about the lifestyle, but also about relationships in general. I have learned how important it is to express my wants and desires (which begins with serious self-reflection to know what they are -- a first step that I have not always taken) and to make sure that I understand my partner's. (Had I followed these general principles -- not just in regard to sex -- I would still be happily married today.) I have also learned ways to ensure that I am treating people with respect at all times, including how to say "no" firmly and graciously. (I need to practice that more at work when I'm asked to take on additional assignments. ) Finally, the postings have enforced the importance of self-respect and the ways that I have unwittingly undermined myself in the past. Once again, thank you so much for the invaluable life lessons!!!!!!!!
    Last edited by dburton; 02-09-2009 at 02:57 AM.

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    Default Re: He is a swinger; this is all new to me

    Dear iapr,

    Thanks for the succinct decision rule! As I have stated many times, I like what I have read about the lifestyle because it focuses on the couple's well being (and nurturing and sharing with your partner) rather than selfish self-satisfaction.

  12. #57
    Founder JustAskJulie's Avatar
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    Default Re: He is a swinger; this is all new to me

    Quote Originally Posted by dburton View Post
    I am hoping that I can "manage" my feeling/ thoughts in a similar way to how I "manage" my stage fright. Even though I have given hundreds of presentations, each time I give one my heart beats rapidly, I feel lightheaded, and I wonder what possessed me to pick my profession. Once I begin speaking, I relax, and I eventually feel energized. .... If you have any ideas of how I can lessen my fears regarding sexual inadequacy besides "feel the fear and do it anyway" I would love to hear them.
    this is such a perfect analogy to what swinging is like. And just like public speaking there are butterflies every time. As you continue to go to the same club over and over again they get less and less because you are more comfortable there (kind of like giving a speech in front of the same group of people over and over), but there are always going to be some differences that leave you a with some butterflies (perhaps a new face, or a new topic, or you didn't do your research quite as well as you normally do). So, yes, if you can approach it the same way you will do well.

  13. #58
    I'll think about it LikeMinds321's Avatar
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    Default Re: He is a swinger; this is all new to me

    dburton ~

    How long have you been dating your boyfriend and how often do you get to see each other?

    It's been a couple weeks since you started this thread, have you had a chance to meet with him yet and talk about all of this?

    LM

  14. #59
    Here to Stay Babysteps's Avatar
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    Default Re: He is a swinger; this is all new to me

    Quote Originally Posted by dburton View Post
    Dear Chicup,



    Second, a number of people in this forum have told me not to enter the lifestyle for the man I am dating. I totally concur with this advice. If I just did it for him and it ran counter to who I am, then I would lose something far more valuable than a relationship. I would be losing my essence/ soul/ spirit (which would result in my becoming a shell of a person and, in the end, undoubtedly would kill the relationship anyway).
    Wow! She REALLY knows where it's at!!

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    Default Re: He is a swinger; this is all new to me

    Dear LikeMinds321 (and all others wanting an update),

    It's hard to believe that I first posted my question only a few weeks ago. I have come a long way in a short period of time.

    In terms of your question, we have been dating for 4 months. We see each other once every week or two. Yes, I have talked to him "about all this." (Everyone's advice here was very, very helpful -- as has been the advice I read on other discussion threads). He was amazed at and appreciated how much time and effort I spent learning about the lifestyle.

    We went to a club on Valentine's Day. I was nervous initially, but everything quickly became okay. He was attentive, and we went at my pace. We didn't meet any other couples with whom we would like to play, but we interacted with others and had a wonderful evening.

    Last edited by dburton; 02-18-2009 at 01:21 AM.

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