Found out female of couple we swing with is only doing it for him

[OhioCouple]

We are at a total loss of words for this and not sure what to say, but we definitely need some advice as quickly as possible.

It is probably best to just lay the facts on the table.

~We are new swingers (less than a year). Our first couple that we were with and continue to swing with has several years (guessing somewhere between 3 and 5).

~We prefer to have a friendship with those that we swing with. We have a lot of outside factors in common with this couple. We have maintained an ongoing friendship both in and out of the bedroom.

For the last several weeks, through IM/email contact with both of them, it was apparent that something was up.

Tonight the F half confided in us that she was only doing "this" for her husband and that she wanted to stop all together. This really shocked us as he seems to be the one who really loves to see her pleased. They never gave this impression at anytime that we have been with them or talked with them, although when I look back some signs were there. (Where do you draw the line).

She relayed that she would be willing to "settle" for just one couple with a bi-female. They currently keep themselves booked about twice a week with new couples or singles. (We did not know this until about 2 weeks ago.) She begged us not to let her husband know that she had told us this. We told her she needed to talk to him....and fast! (We didn't know what to say...besides being stunned...We don't have enough experience to offer good advice.)

I Lori am pulling my hair out here! We are both discouraged by the fact that we thought they were secure in the lifestyle (in all aspects) only to find out that they clearly are not. She is supposed to call us when her husband will be out of town next week so she can talk with us about it. We think she should be talking with her husband and not us.

They are both very nice people, we do not want to hurt their feelings. What do we say?

Top that off with the fact that we are now questioning whether or not we want to continue in this lifestyle, as we believed they were comfortable and secure in the lifestyle and we are wondering now if it will kill our own relationship a few years down the road. We are not willing to do that. UGGGGHHHHH!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks
Lori and Gene

[walrus0115]

I don't mean to be too callous here but I feel that you should simply stay out of this situation as much as possible. I realize that these folks have become good friends so treat it as simply that. Just because you had sex with them really doesn't make you sages that will solve their problems.

One thing that we have kept in mind throughout our adventures is that our separation of love and sex occurs with our relationships with other couples also. There have been a few couples that we have stopped seeing because they were a little too eager for a good friendship. Simply because I have sex with this guy's wife doesn't automatically make him my best friend. Hell, my best friend doesn't swing but I love him like a brother. It would take years for another couple to truly develop a loving relationship with my wife and me. So, what I'm really saying is it's their problem and their loss (from what I've read from you guys.)

As for questioning your desire to swing. Well, as you know only you can answer that. I will point out that the idea of swinging is a break from the norm. You have already changed your thinking contrary to our societal dogma. When our culture tells you that extra-marital sex with ruin your life you have chosen to ignore it. Why suddenly pay attention to the experiences of one couple who obviously has severe communication problems.

One of my pleasures of hanging out with other men that swing is that they rarely tell me about any marital problems. My straight friends sometimes do and it bugs me. I’m not saying that swinging couples don’t have problems, simply that the successful ones rarely consider talking with anyone else other than their spouse. Usually that solves the problem rather quickly. It’s this team mentality that I enjoy. And, when I see a couple discussing problems with others instead of their spouse, that’s when the flags go up (and we usually go elsewhere.)

[YoungMDCouple]

What was it I read in the info for new swingers?? - Communicate, Communicate, Communicate.

The one thing I have found is that you need to have open and honest communication with your partner about anything and everything. It sounds as if the female half of this couple hasn't been communicating her real wants and desires, and is therefore unhappy.

I can't give any advice regarding the swinging aspect, but the lack of communication in the relationship seems to be a bigger issue than any problems with swinging. The husband (and you) thought everything was fine, because she didn't communicate her problems. If she doesn't communicate them to her husband, he can never help her reach a point where she is comfortable (whether it is swinging, or not, married, divorced, etc...).

We men are rather simplistic sometimes in that if someone doesn't tell us there is a problem, we think all is right in the world.

She needs to talk to her husband, openly and honestly, and see where it leads them. If he truly loves her and wants a caring nuturing relationship with her, it may mean they will no longer swing, or they may resolve the issue some other way. But if he doesn't know about it, he can't help.....

S

[ciscosv]

We are new to this as well. We have only experienced soft-swinging sex. If she had a problem with swinging then I have no problems or objections to take a "break" or stop all together. There is one couple that we have chatted with at the club we go to regularly. They have some pretty interesting stories about the weird situations they have been presented with while meeting other couples. They have had to cut all ties with some of these people or just walk away in mid date. The situation you are in seems unique in the fact that the female is failing to communicate her feelings with her husband. I would be hurt if my wife discussed "our" issues regarding swinging behind my back with a another couple. Could it be that she trusts you two more than her own husband. That's a little weird. Maybe you two should cut ties with this couple.

"I don't mean to be too callous here but I feel that you should simply stay out of this
situation as much as possible"

I agree with Walrus. Walk away.

Just remember that one couples problems are not yours. Let us know what comes about.

[JustAskJulie]

It sounds to me like the problem is between the two of THEM, and you should leave it there. Of course, it's too late now right? You've already been dragged into the middle of it, but you don't have to stay there.

Based on what you said she told you, chances are she has not been really interested in swinging all along or perhaps it's not that she really isn't interested in swinging at all (based on her comment about settling for just one couple). I'd really say she just doesn't like doing it SO MUCH.
Maybe he is pushing her to do it more than she likes. If they are meeting new couples on such a regular basis she could be feeling pressured and perhaps she wants to back away and enjoy other things in life besides swinging.

The fact that she confided these things in you, leads me to believe that you may be her choice for a couple she would like to continue with, but that may not be the case as well.

All that said.... My advice, seperate yourself from this couple. If they have problems don't make them yours. The fact that this lifestyle may not be right for them or maybe they took it too far has nothing to do with you. I have found that often when we have friends who are having problems in their relationships it tends to make us look more closely at our own and worry. That can be a good thing but it can also be a bad thing if you let it create problems that don't exist. Only you know if you are truely happy with this lifestyle and only you know what goes on behind closed doors in your home when it's just the two of you.

A couple can look perfect to the outside world but we don't see them when they are alone so we can't know what their relationship is really like.

When your friend calls, my advice is to tell her that you don't feel you should be placed in the middle of this. The best thing she can do is talk ot her hubby. The more she talks to other people instead of him the more of a grudge she will hold against him for pushing her to do something she doesn't want to do. If you want to keep them in your life, let her know that you are there for THEM and if the two of them want someone to talk to to help them get their feelings out you'd be glad to help but you don't feel it's appropriate for her to talk to you about these things without him knowing.

[JustAskJulie]

Hey OhioCouple,

I'm just curious if this is the same couple you posted about in the "Where do you draw the line" topic?

If so, sounds like there could definately be more going on than meets the eye and I would put even more weight into my advice to remove yourself from the situation.

[OhioCouple]

We would like to thank you all for giving us re-assurance that "WE" are on the right track. After the original post, we shut the computer down and talked. This morning we read the post by Walrus and they advised everything that we had decided between ourselves after talking. We are going to distance ourselves from this couple. Their problems are just that, theirs, not ours. We really appreciate the responses we received.

Thank you to Ciscosv, Walrus, Julie, and a warm welcome to YoungMDcouple...you are going to fit in well with the board

And yes, Julie, this couple is the same one the we posted on "Where Do You Draw The Line?".

Again, Thanks to all of you!
Lori and Gene

[OhioCouple]

quote:

---

Originally posted by JustAskJulie:

All that said.... My advice, seperate yourself from this couple. If they have problems don't make them yours. The fact that this lifestyle may not be right for them or maybe they took it too far has nothing to do with you. I have found that often when we have friends who are having problems in their relationships it tends to make us look more closely at our own and worry. That can be a good thing but it can also be a bad thing if you let it create problems that don't exist.

---

Julie,

We just wanted to comment on this. You hit the nail on the head. After discussing our own personal relationship, we know that we are giving to ourselves something that we both enjoy.

Call us naive or whatever but I think we just assumed that most swingers were well adjusted in their own lives. Damn, getting tired of the learning experiences...

Lori and Gene

[Quin]

quote:

---

Originally posted by OhioCouple:
And yes, Julie, this couple is the same one the we posted on "Where Do You Draw The Line?".

---

Personally, I think there is a LOT more wrong/going on within this couple than what you're aware of, Lori, especially knowing that they are the same couple that the man was trying to draw you into intimate pillow talk.

RUN as fast as you can away. They're bad news, IMHO. And if you need some excuse to give the wife, just be truthful and say something like...it's apparent XXX and you have some issues and in order to keep it from getting messy, the less people involved the better so I will politely decline going further in this matter with you. It's your husband you need to be talking to, not me. Then if she tries to draw you further in, don't budge from your position or just politely tell her that you have to end the conversation as there are things you need to do.

VOTE FOR JULIE!!

Quin

[OhioCouple]

Quin,

You are, with the advice given, as Gene would say..."On the same page that we are". This post gave us some very good advice and led us to talk more about what "WE" wanted and what our expectations are in this lifesytle.

We have chosen to distance ourselves from this couple, although they are continually contacting us and have asked if we are "avoiding" them. "They", and I am not sure if it is him/her or both...want to set up a get together in late August. We are both in agreement that it is not "healthy" for either of us to be involved in their very obvious personal problems.

We came into this lifesytle with our eyes wide open and ready to learn and experience, with a mutual agreement that if either of us did not care to continue or had a problem, that we would respect each others wishes and discontinue altogether if one of us did not want to.

Our marriage is much more important to us than putting ourselves in situations that could cause future problems or are undesirable.

Remeber All, Don't forget to vote for Julie!

Lori

[Alura]

Wow, Lori!

Your story is all too familiar. A few years ago we were playing with a couple whom we thought had one of the most stable marriages we'd ever known. The four of us had been playing for about three years and had even decided to find a third couple to add to the mix.

Suddenly, without warning to us or her husband of 30 years, a week or so after our last play session, she announced to her husband that she was in love with another man, moved out of their semi-palatial home into an apartment with the other guy and filed for divorce. "The other guy" did the same, splitting up two long-established families in the process.

We were so shocked we told the new couple we were getting to know that we were unsure if we could go on swinging. Like you, we thought, "If it can happen to them, could it happen to us?"

Time has eased the fear in our case and we do hope to play again, but we can certainly understand what y'all are experiencing. We agree with your decision to distance yourselves from that couple. We would, however, suggest that you level with them. Tell them exactly how y'all feel about the situation. If they don't understand, y'all will have lost nothing.

Alura

[OhioCouple]

Alura,

Thank you for your earnest reply. Naturally, with us being new, we do not know what is "normal". It it good to know that we are not the only people to have experienced this/ and or are experiencing this. As we stated before, we are distancing ourselves from this couple after much discussion. My husband though is having a harder time with it than I am. He feels that we should be civil (not that I am being uncivil mind you)....(sorta like we "owe" them one) kinda thingie, as they were kind enough to "hold our hands" thru the initial phases of getting introduced to the lifestyle.

Although he agrees with the fact that we need to separate ourselves from them, he has developed an outside of the lifestyle relationship with the male half. They both have a love for building and for racing cars, which tends to complicate matters somewhat. Thankfully they live about 3 1/2 hours away so that does help some.

We are both in agreement to distance the realtionship, but he would like to do it gradually, as opposed to "my" saying "NO MORE".

The whole thing is a headache...Where is the Bayer????

Lori

[youngswingers]

OhioCouple, we've seen this kinda thing before and as much as it sucks for Gene cutting ties is best. But contrary to the great advise you've received from fine people on this board, we would suggest hearing the lady out. She obviously is looking for a confident, and while you guys may not be the best one, you could be good stepping stones. Her husband is clearly who she should be talking to but she needs to gain some confidence first.

[OhioCouple]

quote:

---

Originally posted by youngswingers:
But contrary to the great advise you've received from fine people on this board, we would suggest hearing the lady out. She obviously is looking for a confident

---

Call me old, call me staunchy, call me set in my ways, but in my opionion, I have raised 3 kids who confide in me with issues more than I am willing to hear at times. I am not willing to be a sounding board for those that cannot openly talk with their own partners about personal lifestyle issues that are bothering them. We came into this lifestyle with the intention of "enhancing" our lives and not to be a confidant or a "crutch".

Certainly, if it were something pertaining to something out of the lifestyle...we would lend an ear, offer advice and support...but to lend an ear for those that have "internal" issues that need to be addressed....I think not. These sort of issues are better addressed with their partners.

Lori
VOTE FOR JULIE TODAY!