I am so frustrated by his behavior

hello,
I am so confused about what is going on with our attempts to be into an alternative lifestyle. We have been together for over 3 and half years. We met when I had been single and free and was into swinging on my own and he on his own. We had a few experiences with mfm and then as time went on we became a full time couple.
I told him that I was interested in experimenting with another female and that he could join. I am open to trying it to see, how eles will I know. I am also into trying a swinging with another couple and lots of othere senerios.
First he says that another female is great , but he does not want any other man involved. He is not interested in men he says.
Then the next day he says well another couple would be great, and then I hear from him that he doesn't want another male.
How will this work?
Plus the fetishes all involve women. So where does this leave me? I am willing to be adventurous and make him feel awesome with another female. Actually last weekend I did just that, but her partner was participating too.
So he wants us to get into the 'lifestyle', but what about me? I have a feeling even though we both enjoy sex, that this will turn out to be onesided. The fact that one moment he says another couple and the next say only females.
He also told me that he doesn't need me to get what he want and that he can find lots of women who will cater to him without needing to bring in another male. And to top that off he said too that I am only average and not dropdead gorgous and that any ugly whore can pick up men for fun, but it takes a 'special' man to be able to attract to females.
He said no males and if I do not want to participate then forget it, but then says that he want to swing with me and it would be nice to meet another couple.
I just want to have fun with other people who enjoy sex and explore.
I am so frustrated by his behaviour!
I know this is strange and I should probably know the answer on my own, but is this confusion normal?

[Chicup]

Sounds like an asshole to me.

Leave him.

[shoreguy]

Maybe he's just nervous that he'd lose you. Perhaps he feels that the relationship is tenuous, if for no other reason than that you met through swinging and you could meet someone else.

The comment about "average looks" was insensitive, but we all have moments like that we wish didn't happen. I'd hesitate to base any opinion on him on that alone.

Maybe he just needs time to get his shit together. Give it to him. If he won't shut up about it in the mean time, tell him explicitly that he needs to get his shit together before you move on. Talking the issues over is fine, but he seems to be giving you pronouncements of what it will be like on a daily basis. Your vote still counts, tell him you feel like he doesn't understand that.

Alternatively, he might be wrestling over the idea of his sexuality. Just a thought. Just because a couple is involved doesn't mean the guys have any physical interaction with each other. Most of us don't. Seems a bit off the wall since you both came from the lifestyle to begin with.

Damn, swinging must be a lot easier on singles.

[OhioCouple]

I agree with Chicup and disagree with shoreguy. Three and a half years is more than enough time to get your 'shit' together in a relationship. In no way does it excuse his comments to you which are more than just insensitive. (IMO)

Think about this for a moment. Had he made these sort of routine comments to you when you first started seeing each other as a couple, would you have continued to see him? I know I sure as hell wouldn't have. And I most certainly would not be around anyone that chose to try and run my life and/or make deragatory comments, regardless of the years together.

It sounds to me like a control issue, and trust me...this will only get worse down the road. In the end it is your decision as to how happy you want to be, but my advice... Dump the sorry ass and go out and find someone who really loves you, for you, just the way you are and knows how to show it.

Mrs. O

[shoreguy]

Wow. I guess I'm kind of amazed at how quickly the response is "dump him". We're talking about a 3.5 year relationship here. Some indecision about swinging and one insensitive comment is enough to end a relationship? He did say he was willing to drop the swinging idea altogether if they couldn't agree.

3.5 years is enough to get your shit together, in general. Perhaps not all your shit. Admittedly, they were swingers when they met, but single swingers. Neither of them had to deal with the jealousy that sharing your partner entails. If they haven't been swinging as a real, committed couple long that can bring things up that hadn't occurred earlier in the relationship. My point is that, say a couple has been married for 20 years and having issues over swinging for a few months. You wouldn't say "20 years is enough to get your shit together". I didn't see anything in the original post that tells me how long they've been discussing swinging with other people. I got the impression it wasn't the whole time.

Insensitive, derogatory, mean. Call it what you want. I don't live in a fantasy world where everything my wife and I say to each other is always well thought out and supportive. I'm not sure I'd want to. As far as we know this is a one time thing. There's no indication that he says things to her like that on an ongoing basis.

I've seen plenty of relationships that survived far worse than a mean comment and confusion about swinging. I'd hope most could survive it. Even his level of indecision.

I hope I'm not the only one who feels for curious brenda, but at the same time thinks that time and communication are what's needed and not ending the relationship.

[shoreguy]

On further thought I'm going to rescind my earlier permission for you to consider his comment anything other than insensitive.

There are far worse things you can call someone than "only average and not dropdead gorgeous". It was insensitive for him to say that to his SO, or anyone for that matter, but especially her.

"Dago" is derogatory. (I feel safe with that one, since I'm part Italian.) "Average"? Give me a break.

[fun_pairTX]

Originally posted by curious brenda

First he says that another female is great , but he does not want any other man involved. He is not interested in men he says.

If he is not interested in other men, that is fine, tell him HE isn't required to play with another guy.

Then the next day he says well another couple would be great, and then I hear from him that he doesn't want another male.
How will this work?.

It DOESN'T

Plus the fetishes all involve women. So where does this leave me?

Probably sitting on the sidelines this guy is a self centered beaut.

So he wants us to get into the 'lifestyle', but what about me? I have a feeling even though we both enjoy sex, that this will turn out to be onesided.

It's gonna be onesided all right HIS side......

He also told me that he doesn't need me to get what he want and that he can find lots of women who will cater to him without needing to bring in another male

Tell him to go get them and to drop you a postcard from wherever he is.

And to top that off he said too that I am only average and not dropdead gorgous and that any ugly whore can pick up men for fun, but it takes a 'special' man to be able to attract to females.

Oh he is special alright, I just hope I am never that special.

I'm sorry to say you have yourself a "special Grade A #1 ASS on your hands. Kick him to the curb while you have the chance.

[mrbandsatl]

A favorite quote...

He who lives only to benefit himself confers on the world a benefit when he dies.

~ Tertullian ~

[windsor4fun2]

Originally posted by curious brenda
hello,
He also told me that he doesn't need me to get what he want and that he can find lots of women who will cater to him without needing to bring in another male. And to top that off he said too that I am only average and not dropdead gorgous and that any ugly whore can pick up men for fun, but it takes a 'special' man to be able to attract to females.

For him to say something like this he must be a bit of an self centered ass. There is definitely more than just some confused feeling behind this type of statement. I agree with Mrs. O on this.

Jesse

[sexyRus_inMass]

he sounds insecure, maybe he feels threatened that you'll find another man better than him. It's more than possible.

What about the possibility of same room sex with another couple so he can see how he feels with another erection in the room. He shouldn't have a problem with that unless he's homophobic.

Whatever you do, think long and hard about going into any swinging situation with someone that is insecure or jealous - those "qualities" don't mix with swinging.

[JustAskJulie]

So you were both swinging as singles and then you got together and now that you are swinging as a couple he doesn't want other men playing with you, but still wants to be able to play with other women? Did I get that right?

I think this is a common problem with single guys. It's all fun when they are single, but when they become part of a couple they can't really handle seeing their partner with other people. They didn't prepare for what was on the other side.

It sounds like you need to sit down and actually talk with him about what he wants/ can handle and decide if swinging is something you both want to continue to persue together. To me it doesn't sound like he can handle swinging as a couple.

[RnLinohio]

Originally posted by shoreguy
Wow. I guess I'm kind of amazed at how quickly the response is "dump him". We're talking about a 3.5 year relationship here. Some indecision about swinging and one insensitive comment is enough to end a relationship? He did say he was willing to drop the swinging idea altogether if they couldn't agree.

3.5 years is enough to get your shit together, in general. Perhaps not all your shit. Admittedly, they were swingers when they met, but single swingers. Neither of them had to deal with the jealousy that sharing your partner entails. If they haven't been swinging as a real, committed couple long that can bring things up that hadn't occurred earlier in the relationship. My point is that, say a couple has been married for 20 years and having issues over swinging for a few months. You wouldn't say "20 years is enough to get your shit together". I didn't see anything in the original post that tells me how long they've been discussing swinging with other people. I got the impression it wasn't the whole time.

Insensitive, derogatory, mean. Call it what you want. I don't live in a fantasy world where everything my wife and I say to each other is always well thought out and supportive. I'm not sure I'd want to. As far as we know this is a one time thing. There's no indication that he says things to her like that on an ongoing basis.

I've seen plenty of relationships that survived far worse than a mean comment and confusion about swinging. I'd hope most could survive it. Even his level of indecision.

I hope I'm not the only one who feels for curious brenda, but at the same time thinks that time and communication are what's needed and not ending the relationship.

I do feel ALOT of communtication is needed, but if his attitude doesn't change within the next 5 minutes then she should dump him. It isn't because of the remark about the beauty. It is all his remarks............

This paragraph right here as a whole (IMHO) shows that is he an asshole.....

"He also told me that he doesn't need me to get what he want and that he can find lots of women who will cater to him without needing to bring in another male. And to top that off he said too that I am only average and not dropdead gorgous and that any ugly whore can pick up men for fun, but it takes a 'special' man to be able to attract to females."

We have been marrried 13yrs, and have both said some hurtful things to each other........ not that we are proud of that.......... but if he EVER got that attitude with me, over anything......... mostly swinging......... then something would have to change, weither it be his attitude, or his address. To say something about her looks isn't as bad as telling her that he doesn't need her, and that she is blessed to be with him............. that he is doing her a favor by being with her. I know it is just MO, but that is how i feel it should be.

I mean i feel that any man........... or women that is willing to get that attitude towards their partner does not respect them, nor care about their feelings.......... and no one should have to live with a person that doesn't respect or care about them.

Ok, i will get off my soapbox . I hope this didn't upset anyone, but i felt i had to put my .02 in.

Robin