She wants a theesome without me but no foursome with me.

Hello all,

My wife and I just started swinging. A little history on us, we have been together for quite a few years, about 6 years ago we had a daughter and she had some horrible recovery from episiotomy surgeries, after 3 years the doctor gave the ok to have a normal sex life again, so for that 3 years we grew apart. Anyhow, we have sex but once per month and are getting a lot closer. I have been pestering her to try to get us back to the way we were - but there is friction from her.

About 6 months ago one of her casual friends said they were swingers and my wife asked if I was interested. I figured this would turbocharge us getting back on track sexually, a little scared I said yes and a couple months ago we did full swap same room sex.

That went great she did him and her but when I tried to do something with my wife, she pushed me away. My real focus for the swing was on my wife - and that hurt, bad. She explained that she felt funny seeing me with another woman. I am not so sure of her answer, might be true and might be a bit of her having her chance to have wild sex and in that picture in her brain I am not involved/invited. I did communicate my feelings to her.

Currently we have sex a little more (like once or twice a week) and she actually got fully naked with me, however I was under the instruction to do baby steps, no groping, going down etc. She says that she will slowly start letting her guard down with me as she gets more comfortable. She is still wanting to do the swing thing bigtime, and she wanted to talk to me today about some ground rules, what would be ok, what not. What if they were over and I was out of town, or just out with her girlfriend etc. I stated that she could do whatever she wants with the girl, and nothing with the guy unless I am there. She asked if I was threatened by him, I said no- threatened by you. Since our sex relationship is still on the bottom floor and a healing stage, while the swinger thing she is open to everything. I also said that if our sex life gets to be on the same page as with our friends, then I will be confident and let her do whatever she wants. I was told that what I said was manipulative. She wants an open relationship. I want to be sure that I am not odd man out, or left for dead when she wants to go have sex. Big post, give me some feedback! There is more detail to the story, but what I wrote pretty much covers the bases.

[LadyCleo]

Swinging is not a place to be if you two are not secure in your relationship.
It sounds like she's happy to have sex with someone other than you. That is real BIG trouble! It sounds like she is looking for your permission to have sex with everyone but you while staying in your marriage.
Swinging is for the mutual pleasure of BOTH partners. Swinging is supposed to be about sharing pleasures. About becoming more intimate with your spouse, fulfilling fantasies, learning new pleasures from another and then bringing it home to improve on the pleasure. It is not supposed to be you being neglected while she has sex with another man.
I'm sure that there is more to the relationship that you have been able to share on this board. I'm sure that there is a lot of water under the bridge in the 3 years that you did not have any sexual relations with your wife. Maybe some pushing on your part that has made her fearful and pull away from you intimately? Or maybe she has grown apart from you but doesn't have the guts to say that you don't turn her on anymore.

STOP SWINGING IMMEDIATELY!

You two have a lot of work to do on your relationship and should definately seek that help of a marital and possibly sexual therapist. If you don't, you are headed to divorce court.

Good luck to the both of you!
LC

[yawanna]

IMHO open relationships and swinging only work when the couple are solid and stable and on the same page, so to speak.

We've seen way too many couples get into swinging and have their relationships blow up in their faces because they weren't already good together.

I agree. Step back, deal with each other and don't bring other people into a troubled relationship. Fall out hurts, even to bystanders.

Thanks for the input, we have been to a marriage counselor. Things in the past year are night and day better than it was before. However not up to speed before our children came along. And you are definately right about the pressure issue that is made her pull away, I don't know how to fix that other than to ask for sex from her.

You are right about the security issue. She is secure with me, and I am not as much, due to us being on the bottom floor in our sex life. I wouldn't have any problems if she was willing to go as far as she did with her friends, but with me. I didn't feel left out when we all were doing stuff together, just when I approached my wife and was pushed away.

Whoops,

I wrote

"And you are definately right about the pressure issue that is made her pull away, I don't know how to fix that other than to ask for sex from her. "

That should read:

I dont know how to get past this - other than NOT ask for sex from her and let her come to me. I did this in the past (year or two ago) and frankly, if I didn't ask I didn't get.

Me again,

I do want to make clear that we are only swinging with this particular couple, so the talk about an open relationship it has to do with JUST our friends, not anyone that comes along.

[naughty A]

...let me see if I understand this...'cause I don't think I do...

she wants to have sex with this other couple... (him or her) but not you...

uh... something isn't quite right there...

and you ... want to have sex with her but not the woman in the other couple? or you're not involved with the swing sessions?

I'm sorry but I guess I don't quite get it

Sorry, to clarify - Two couples, wifes are bi, I and the other fellow are straight. She has sex with him & her, and pushes me away when I want to get involved as a foursome.

[naughty A]

so you don't have sex with EITHER of the ladies?

Yes I did have sex with the other girl. Then it was two on one with my wife, I was asked by the other guy to join in and that is where I was DENIED

[naughty A]

sorry to drag this out... with all the questions... but I wanted to be sure that I understood.

Is she still having medical problems? pain with intercourse or limited sexual positions or ? Is it penetration she has a problem with... perhaps other forms of sex might be better received?

- I know there are certain positions that - I just find painful or too uncomfortable for long

how did the other couple react to your wife's behaviour?

-- I'd be a little perplexed if it was us. and since I think I'm a considerate person... I would probably switch my attention from wherever to YOU... I don't like people to feel left out or neglected.

did you talk to your wife about feeling left out?... I'm sure you did... but if you could try approaching it as a shared experience for both or us...

did you talk to the other couple about feeling left out? sounds like maybe the other guy did notice this was happening.

Don't know... wish I had something more to offer... I'll give it some thought... or maybe something else...

I hate to say this but if the marriage counselling isn't working... maybe this is the beginning of the end... if you know what I mean...

Wife still has some pain when having sex, I think it is getting better the more sex she has.

When my wife pushed me away I left the room a few minutes later to go have a smoke and ponder my thoughts. Our friends both came out (one at a time) and we talked about my feelings. I also said everything to my wife afterwards.

Yes, it could be the beginning of the end as you say, the counselor did help - but we stopped going before we even talked about swigning. I want to ride this out and see what happens next, I could just be plain wrong and impatient. If it goes bad, oh well it was already coming that I can live with - since we were in limbo for so many years sometimes you have to fish or cut bait.

If it turns out all good and I am just impatient and worsening the situation by pestering sex from my wife all the time, then lesson learned. If I put a stop to it, I have a feeling that we will not progress as a couple (like resentment, etc.)

Just wonder how I should go about it..

[Elusive BiFem]

I've read this a couple of times and can't quite get all the timelines straight.
Childbirth 6 years ago, episotomy problems for 3 years and no sex? None?
So after the 3 years pass, and you want to resume your sex life, she gives you friction. (I must say, you are a very patient man.)

Ok...so after another 2-1/2 - 3 years of this existence with "friction" you are having sex 1-2 times/week when she suddenly wants to swing. Just out of the blue.

Swinging takes place with this other couple..."That went great she did him and her but when I tried to do something with my wife, she pushed me away." She explained she felt funny seeing you with another woman...so that is the reason she pushed you away?

And this woman that suggested swinging with friends finally got "fully naked" with you but requires you to take baby steps? Your wife of 6 years is finally getting fully naked with you? But wants to swing with others? And will now slowly let her guard down with you? But wants an open relationship? And tells you that you are being manipulative?

I'm sitting here shaking my head in amazement...incredulous.

I know you came here seeking advice and/or wanting some feedback. But let me ask you...what do you want out of this relationship and what do you think you are getting? Where do you see a relationship like this going? What do you think she really wants out of the relationship?

Reading this...just the facts as you presented them...I can't help but believe your wife has some serious issues with ya'lls relationship. I see that you've tried to clarify several different points, but maybe you need to clarify some others so I can make sense of this. I'm like naughty A...this may be the beginning of the end. - EBF

[alabamafuntonig]

um what ebf said ....get the doors greatest hits album ........"this is the end my friend the end"

It would apear to me that wife wants sex but is limeted on giving to you! if you ask me swinging should be put on hold and a bigger isue like your relationship should be worked on first!

something smells rotten its time to air it out!

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Bah! 4th time I have timed out on a big response, at least Igot smart enough to copy my text before I hit the reply button..

Elusive you are correct on the timeline and the events to date.

Wife would not have (well once over two years ago) sex being totally naked, do the swing thing and she is totally naked there, yes wife and I are still on baby steps afterwards. The first year of our relationship it was normal, after the pregnancy/surgery things went this way.

What do I want out of this relationship? I dunno, a wife, love affection. The swing thing is fun, It can go on or stop - doesn't matter much to me - at least today. I want to rekindle what we used to have, lots of playing, foreplay etc. Prolly wont be to the same exitement level as when we were first dating, but on that same track. Wife wants to know how often I want sex, everyday? in amazement. I say, well yes. I am not getting what I want, things are better than before and things take time, maybe I am not patient thinking that our life would keep the pace of the swing thing.

This could be the beginning from the end as you say. We have been in limbo for close to 6 years now, I am curious what will happen next and how to proceed. If it is over, then thank god this helps speed that up, if I am wrong - I hope I am..

alabamafuntonig - yes things need to be aired out, If I ask I will get a bunch of excuses for this and that, all real & true things, wife is good about being able to change the subject like that.