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  1. #1
    Here to Stay muffinkm's Avatar
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    Default Does being or feeling left out happen often?

    Hi guys. We just had our first experience. Overall it was an electrifying evening. But it seemed to wife and I that I was almost incidental to evening. The other couple was on wife like duck on june bug. Now I'm not shy. I'm the extrovert in this couple and don't usually have trouble meeting people. Still if wife hadn't been so considerate of me would have probably gone home with a frown. Now I think this couple were nice people. They talk friendly but.... I was really felt left out. I'm thinking maybe this was just a first time thing. My wife is really very spectacular despite being a little shy. I could see why they wanted her. Question is, does this happen a lot? and how is the best way to deal with it?
    in the end the love you take is equal to the love you send

  2. #2
    Founder JustAskJulie's Avatar
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    Sounds like maybe this couple was more interested in an extra female for a threesome than in another couple.

    Had you talked much beforehand about what you each expected/ wanted out of the evening?
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  3. #3
    Here to Stay muffinkm's Avatar
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    We really didn't talk about it much. We went without preconceived expectations. I don't mean to sound like my feelings were hurt. I was more stunned than any thing else. My wife brought it up immediately during drive back home. Wondered same thing about them really wanting another female, but they gave no outward indication of this and I'm prepared to give them the benefit of doubt. Just wandering if this sort of thing happened very frequently.
    in the end the love you take is equal to the love you send

  4. #4
    Swingers Board Addict windsor4fun2's Avatar
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    This sounds very similar to our first encounter. My wife was the recipiant of almost all the attention (it was great for her) but I definitely felt like a third wheel. We never played with them again.

    I tend to agree with Julie but if you enjoy the other couple it is worth pursuing things. It may have just been an oversite on their part. We all have off days.

    Jesse

  5. #5
    Here to Stay Dionysis's Avatar
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    Originally posted by windsor4fun2
    This sounds very similar to our first encounter. My wife was the recipiant of almost all the attention (it was great for her) but I definitely felt like a third wheel. We never played with them again.
    Wow, so this feeling isn't just for single males. Guess I don't have anything to look forward to if I do find that special someone and we want to swing.

    Huh, maybe couples just don't like guys period. Thats a troublesome thought.
    Dionysis

  6. #6
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    Cool C'mon now, be rational .....

    Originally posted by Dionysis Wow, so this feeling isn't just for single males. Guess I don't have anything to look forward to if I do find that special someone and we want to swing. Huh, maybe couples just don't like guys period. Thats a troublesome thought.
    I would be the first to agree with you that single guys get a bad deal from many, because of ill-behavior by some. The unkind devaluation conveyed by some would understandably cause anger from you. It is demeaning to be treated as less than others for reasons whose only tie to you is your marital status. It is dehumanizing not to be viewed as a being whose individual characteristics may be equal to those who sit in judgement.

    That said, there are jerks in any category of the lifestyle - single, married, male, and female. The same is true in any "straight" club, or employing company, or movie theater. Lifestyle folks are no better, no worse, and no different than any other grouping you might examine for behavior equitability.

    One of the above situations could quite possibly have been avoided if more conversation had taken place prior to activity transpiring. There is not enough information about the other situation to know if the same might be true there as well.

    While your attitude might be understandable, it will not serve you well to be negatively vocal in that manner. The anger is too clearly expressed to result in your desired goal. No one wants to spend time with one whose demeanor seems to say: " So are you jerks gonna let me get some, or not?"

    Nothing "mean" is meant by these remarks. The majority of what has been expressed is of an understanding, agreeing and supportive nature. And a compassionate sympathy for the affect poor treatment has had on many single males. The last is meant to 'yank' your attention to the attitude you are conveying - and the negative impact of it on others. If you are feeling this strongly, perhaps it is time for a break - a little time away from your lifestyle pursuits, until you can return with a more positive nature. I know "rolling with it" can get tiresome for anyone, thus the suggested and earned temporary vacation status might be just what's needed for you.

  7. #7
    Swingers Board Addict Michcouple's Avatar
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    Default Your not alone

    I beleive that this is a problem that many couples have encountered.

    What has worked out best for me and my girlfriend is form of slient communication between us. Either one of us places the other party in sitution where they feel uncomfortable. If that happens we are able to tell each other without the other couple knowing.

    On a recent meeting I felt the same as you. It was understood that the female half the other couple was new to swinging and wasn't sure if she was interested in being with another man. However, she was more than interested in being with another women. The night was great sharing drinking and converastion. That all seemed to change when thing began to heat up. Like yourself I felt as if was in the way. As they were both interested in my girlfriend. Without the other couple know, I expressed my feeling to my girlfriend and she stop everything.

    Good Luck to you

  8. #8
    Registered PAULnCarmen's Avatar
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    Well you did say overall it was electrifying, so I would figure for your first experience that would be excellent. Things get better as you get more experience. But what confuses me. How come you were feeling left out. Learn to take the initiative, I am saying this because I assume you must of discussed everybodys boundaries before play. Highly recommended. It avoids many problems by doing so. Remember you're in this lifestyle for fun and pleasure, try to keep the drama out of it. On another note, I hope you guys keep the communication between the two of you open and work on getting it right. Even over the years you will find yourselves still learning and changing. Thats the fun part. Keep an open mind and enjoy the ride.

  9. #9
    Swingers Board Addict hotcpl4unfla's Avatar
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    I agree with the others; this can happen. When playing with the other couple we have been with, there was one time I felt left out. The gals were licking away, and the other hubby was pounding his wife. My wife was so into it, I guess she forgot about me for a while. I made sure she was aware of my dilemma afterward, and since then, it has never happened. It is easy to let the moment take you away from reality, but sometimes a simple guide of your partner's hand or kiss can divert their attention.

  10. #10
    Swingers Board Addict Vjklander's Avatar
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    We generally arrange it so we will have all evening to play. It is a good idea to guide things such that everyone gets their time as the center of attention. It also gives the guys a much needed recuperation break if they get to sit one out. As long as they get their turn, everyone is happy. We've always been invited back, so we must be doing something right.
    J

  11. #11
    Swingers Board Addict Brit_Pair's Avatar
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    I've never felt left out. I'm a consumate voyeur (a fact I've mentioned before) but I crave active involvement too, so the fact that I've never felt left out is not entirely down to my desire to watch.

    I'm fortunate, because Mrs B always wants me involved with her at some level when we meet with our playmates. It might be in a direct physical sense (me assisting the other woman to pleasure her) or in a more ethereal fashion. If I'm watching her pleasuring/being pleasured by the other woman, Mrs B will often look to hold long, lingering eye contact with me. It's an incredibly powerful and intimate moment, when your wife's eyes lock with yours while she's having her pussy eaten by another woman.

    Ultimately (and this reinforces points made in some of the posts above), I guess one of the key reasons that neither of us ever feels left out is because we both know exactly why we're there, what we want, and we're constantly communicating, even when we're not saying a word.

    I'd agree with PAULnCarmen that you have to be prepared to take the initiative at times. But - IMHO - it's important to learn to read the mood so you get your timing right. For me, it feels like an intuitive ability, and mine has definitely sharpened up with experience. This was just your first meeting (and a pretty successful one from the sound of it), so try and relax, and give yourselves time. Things will only get better.

  12. #12
    Swingers Board Addict bear_n_bunny's Avatar
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    It sounds like perhaps you all did not lay out the ground rules sufficiently before playing. Of course, being newbies, you are still on a steep learning curve.

    It's very important to make sure that ALL concerned are aware of what EVERYONE is expecting to get out of the situation. If you are expecting to have sex with the other woman, then say so, and well before the action starts. If she is more interested in having sex with your wife than you, or in some other permutation that doesn't give you the attention you feel you are entitled to, then seek your fun elsewhere.

    Now, we all know that it's the women who call the shots in these situations, but the fact remains that you are there to have fun as well as everyone else. Bunny and I have a hard and fast rule about this sort of thing; if she plays, I play. If I don't get to play, for whatever reason, then she does not play, period. And the couples we play with understand this, too. This "fifth wheel" crap is one dog that does not hunt (unless, of course, you are like some people who are into being just a voyeur, in which case, whatever floats your boat, ol' son...

    The main thing is to make sure everyone understands all the ground rules ahead of time; that everyone knows what everyone else's expectations are. This will go a long way towards keeping this from happening in the future.

    As for Dionysis, I've got a news flash for you. The simple fact is that anywhere from 2/3 to 3/4 of the couples that swing, ARE NOT INTERESTED IN PLAYING WITH SINGLE MALES. As a rule, the women (who, again, call the shots in this), already have all the cock they need in the usual swinger's arena to start with, between their husband/boyfriend and the male half of the other couple or couples they are playing with. They don't NEED any other guys hanging around hitting on them.

    Yes, there is that other 1/4 to 1/3 of swinger couples who do have an interest in single males. BUT, these are in a decided minority of swinger couples, and it is most definitely a buyer's market. In other words, most of these couples can and do pick and choose the single males they want to play with. So if you want to be chosen by one of these couples, you had better bring something special to the table, mainly be very good looking and/or be packing the Dick of Death, be able to touch your tongue to your forehead or whatever, if you want to be seriously considered.

    The sad fact is (and I have seen nothing in my years of swinging to disabuse me of this notion) that most single men try to inject themselves into the swinging lifestyle because they think that there are a lot of easy lays out here among the womenfolk (and what a crock that is), and/or they have some personality or character flaw that makes finding a single female to play with difficult for them.

    I figure it has to be something like this, because I just finished seven years as a single male out here (the swinging I did was always as a couple, with a lady friend of mine), and I can assure you that when it comes to single women, it is raining soup, grab yourself a fucking bucket!

    And if a mean, nasty bastard like me can get laid as much as I did these past several years, then by God the rest of you pudknockers can, too. And without trying to impose yourselves into a lifestyle where your chances of scoring are even poorer than in the singles scene, which is where you should be concentrating your energy in the first place.

    Sorry for getting off topic, but if I hear one more single guy whining about how tough it is to get with a swinger female(s), blah, blah, ad nauseam...

    -- Bear

  13. #13
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    Default It's A Toss-Up...

    Originally posted by bear_n_bunny
    [BAnd if a mean, nasty bastard like me can get laid as much as I did these past several years, then by God the rest of you pudknockers can, too.
    -- Bear [/B]
    ...as to who makes me laugh the hardest! Wrnakedru or Bear.

    Exactly what is a pudknocker?

    And Bunny...ohhh, pore Bunny. I bet she's constantly walking around with sore ribs and jaws from laughing all the time at some of these expressions. -EBF

  14. #14
    Only slightly cracked... BradAndJanet's Avatar
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    Hey Bear, good post! You must discuss what everyone is expecting, or somebody will surely be unsatisfied in some way.

    I do disagree with one statement, at least where it concerns us:
    Originally posted by bear_n_bunny
    ... So if you want to be chosen by one of these couples, you had better bring something special to the table, mainly be very good looking and/or be packing the Dick of Death, be able to touch your tongue to your forehead or whatever, if you want to be seriously considered.
    ...
    If we ever swing with a single guy again (and we're not going out looking) none of what you mention would matter. 'Special' to us would be a single man who knows how to be a gentleman, is open and honest, and understands our desire to be friends as well as sexual partners. He would also be concerned that everyone has a good time and leaves satisfied, including himself. Hmmm...this doesn't sound too far from our criteria for selecting couples, now that I think about it

    -B
    "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." - Mark Twain
    All about us...

  15. #15
    Swingers Board Addict naughty A's Avatar
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    Default Re: Feeling left out

    Originally posted by muffinkm
    Hi guys. We just had our first experience. Overall it was an electrifying evening. But it seemed to wife and I that I was almost incidental to evening.

    Question is, does this happen a lot? and how is the best way to deal with it?
    no one wants to go into an evening of fun with a set schedule or script ... a basic discussion of the expectations it good but only going to take it so far...

    I, personally, would let it pass this one evening but probably mention it discreetly to the other woman of the couple... you know... hubby left here feeling a little left out last time... I'm sure it was unintentional but we were both hoping to participate as a couple...

    well something like that...

    I am always VERY aware of MY hubby's feelings during an encounter and if I feel he is being neglected I switch my attention to him as it sounds like your wife did as well. Sounds like you two are doing pretty well in that silent communication area... hopefully the next time goes better...
    The proper response to "Good morning" is not "Prove it!"

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