What should I have done instead of taking one for the team?

[Ashley]

I had my first swinging experience this past weekend. It was not a positive experience. My partner and I met this couple and he was attracted to the woman but I was not attracted to the man. I wanted to please my partner so I went along with it anyway and now I am thinking that was not the thing to do. I imagine this sort of thing happens all the time so please advise me. We were at a club which might have made it easier for me to say something like "I'd prefer to just watch". Would that have been proper etiquette? I'm sure I'll encounter this situation again as he is attracted to a much wider range of women than I am to men so I want to be prepared when it does happen. I know one of the tenets of swinging is you should never do something you don't really want to do.

[bimrdcpl]

It sounds like you took one for the team......not to make light of the situation at all but as you will read that most of us have done that...and no you should not do anything that you dont want to. The only thing that I can advise it that you talk to your partner and come up with your own set of rules. My husband and I are to the point now that if either of us are uncomfortable or just not attracted neither of us play. It works for us and trust me there has been quite a bit of pouting but we are doing this for us. And that is the important thing for us in this whole thing is that it has to be good for both or it just doesnt happen.

Hope I helped a little.

[Michcouple]

I think that problem is more common than you think. My girlfriend and I tend to have the same problem from time to time. In order to prevent this we make it a habit to know each other’s feeling about other couples before being in questionable situations.

Good luck in the future and be honest with your partner.

[J & K]

We have the same problem which keeps us from having a full swap let along play time with anybody.

We find attractive ladies of the cpl who want to play with me or both of us. Then we see the men and my wife goes, "No"--not attractive. So we agree not to full/soft swap unless we both are attractive to them which means we have a long wait from what we see out there, but it is mostly the men that don't attract my wife. My wife "K" is a very pretty lady and I know she wants an attractive man to play with. It seems the majority of the women take care of their looks and body, but most of the men seem to let it all lose with body weight or gromming habits. Ah---did I open a can of worms on this part I bet. Sorry.

At this rate we aren't going to have any luck, but we already made an commitment to one other cpl (friends for 7 months) for soft swing now, but they are attractive to us in personality and not so much in looks (male half). So we have talked together and agreed for the team to keep our friendship---we never know---we might like it at the time.

[Ashley]

no one has spoken to my question about is it acceptable to opt out for one partner but not the other in a club situation. If I had said "no thanks" could my partner have still enjoyed the woman or would I have pre-empted the experience? Would the other man automatically have objected? As you can see I don't know much about the etiquette of swinging.

[ciscosv]

Your situation is much like ours. I am attracted to a wide variety of ladies. I hate to describe my wife a being picky because I know her not to be as such. It is just easier for anybody to judge upon looks on a first encounter basis. My now wife would not have picked me out of the crowd if first appearance was not in the equation. Until you really get to know the personality apect, it is tough to make those decisions. I get wrapped up in the personality over looks.

We are together. Therefore, we play together. That is final and one of our rules. If she says no, I respect it.

The cool thing about swinging is all the variety of couples we have met to this date. If we don't swing or get the opportunity to do so with a couple or a couple of couples, atleast we had met someone new and had great conversations.

[DragonsLair]

Personally, I think it's up to you and your partner to decide if it's alright for you to opt out and just watch if you're not attracted. If it doesn't bother him to play while you watch, and you're comfortable with that, then go for it.

As long as you have good communication between you and he knows why you don't want to participate, I don't see a problem.

DragonsLair

He is T. I am A.

[Vjklander]

Originally posted by Ashley
no one has spoken to my question about is it acceptable to opt out for one partner but not the other in a club situation. If I had said "no thanks" could my partner have still enjoyed the woman or would I have pre-empted the experience? Would the other man automatically have objected? As you can see I don't know much about the etiquette of swinging.

It would have been quite alright for you to decline, as it would have been ok for the others to also decline. Whether your partner would still have been able to share pleasures with the other woman would depend on the dynamic of her relationship with her partner.
Jamie

[BradAndJanet]

Originally posted by DragonsLair
Personally, I think it's up to you and your partner to decide if it's alright for you to opt out and just watch if you're not attracted. If it doesn't bother him to play while you watch, and you're comfortable with that, then go for it.

As long as you have good communication between you and he knows why you don't want to participate, I don't see a problem.

DragonsLair

He is T. I am A.

I think this advice is right on. If everybody is informed and consents, I don't think that it poses an issue at all. Be sure that it is what you want though, and also be sure to discuss it beforehand.

-B

[fun_pairTX]

What you are really asking is, what are the chances of your husband playing while you sit one out with the other husband. I'd say about 1% or less.

[Handyman69]

We have been there too. Only it was my husband that wasn't attracted to the female part. We have talked and have decided that would have to be upfront with a couple next time.

Guess what I'm saying is communication is the key. Make sure all parties are in agreement. Really not sure how we will handle it next time, but as long we are honest with each other and the other couple, we will come to an answer.

Know this isn't a cut and dry answer but each experience is different.

Rhonda

[BiloxiCouple]

Communication between you and your partner. If something does come up that you haven't discussed, politely excuse both of yourselves from the other couple so you can talk in private and make a decision. If something doesn't feel right it probably isn't.

[Ashley]

Originally posted by fun_pairTX
What you are really asking is, what are the chances of your husband playing while you sit one out with the other husband. I'd say about 1% or less.

Exactly, thank you for putting it so succinctly. I really did/do want him to have an enjoyable time so I think I'll just chalk it up to experience and speak up next time. The next time we go to a play party, I'm going to head off that little problem by pointing out to him who I'm attracted to and making it clear that otherwise he's in the 1% territory

[JustAskJulie]

Whether or not it's ok for you to sit back and watch while he plays or vice-versa is really up to the two of you. It's something you both need to sit down and talk out to make sure there won't be any hurt feelings on either side. If you allow him to have fun while you sit and watch is going to allow the same for you or will he be jealous? That's just one of the questions to consider.

As far as how others will react, that will depend on the couple. Some won't have a problem with it, others may feel that if you don't both want to play then neither of you should.

[ATAK]

Originally posted by BiloxiCouple
Communication between you and your partner. If something does come up that you haven't discussed, politely excuse both of yourselves from the other couple so you can talk in private and make a decision. If something doesn't feel right it probably isn't.

I believe this advice is right on. If it doesn't feel right, it isn't. While I understand decisions can be made in the heat of the moment, you need to discuss this in detail with your partner. Let them know you don't feel right about it. And why. If he is in it for you both, he'll understand. If he's in it for himself, you have problems and shouldn't be swinging.