A desire for mutual desire and connection

[couplewanting50]

Had an interesting experience at a club recently. The male of a couple really fancied my wife and she him; over several events they got more cozy. At a recent event we all got into the group room. It was a tangle of a good part of the group, but he and my wife were separately playing on another bed

I don’t think the woman was very interested in me, and did not really engage with me; for several weeks I had thought that he wanted my wife and she was just playing along to fulfill his fantasy.

I thought the group thing was fun, but I realize I need to really, directly, engage with a woman, not just be next to her as she is getting stimulated by multiple others. She never really did engage with me. In one frenzied moment she wanted me to fuck her, but I was not hard, as that kind of situation just did not work for me, even though it was certainly fun to be in the middle of it.

It was cause for thought as to how separate room play would have its virtues, and allow connection without distraction. I did very much like my wife playing, sucking and fucking, however, and would not have wanted to miss that, it was wonderful to watch. I have no objection to the two of them playing, and don’t need to play with his woman. There were others there for me to play with, as far as that goes.

Has anyone had similar experiences? Do you feel a need to connect with a partner, and do you find that a clear, powerful, mutual desire and connection are necessary for good arousal?

[DBL D]

You had the best way to deal with taking one for the team as anyone ever has. You will get your chances to be with a woman one-on-one, don't worry.

I sorta think that people place way to much emphasis on all 4 people connecting. It just so happens that it is easier if you can just allow that the other person has different tastes and let them act on that. A party scene is the best way to deal with that, I think.

Clearly the 2 on 2 has it's place and I'm all over that one, but there has to be another way for couples who are picky, or otherwise inclined, and this may be it.

Male D

[oncewere]

Another example of why I wouldn't be comfortable in today's swinger scene. Back when we were swinging we individually sought out someone at a party who we wanted to play with regardless of who that person's partner was. We kept track of each other but didn't expect direct reciprocity. I was never good for as many encounters as Barb was in an evening so that made it easier for her to have fun with the single guys too. It certainly was a lot simpler when one just had to find a compatible partner rather than finding four people who clicked. I'm not at all saying that was better that way, just different. I suppose not fitting in is a symptom of getting older but not wiser.

[The Fuse]

I am a little confused about the OP's question. When you say mutual desire and attraction, do you mean between you and the woman, or between both halves of a playmate couple and you/your SO? And then the question about separate rooms seems to be mostly a distinct question, except the aspect of having a more focused connection.

If the former, then the answer is obvious... of course the desire has to be mutual. So maybe that's not what you meant. For the latter... well, we're still the kind of couple that has to be attracted to both halves of the other couple, and they to both of us, for anything to happen. This is because swinging, for us, is something we do together as a couple. There are exceptions when one of us plays alone, but that's always been with people we already play with.

I suppose it's the difference between swinging being purely about sex with others... and being about sex with others, together. Personally, I could see moving a little further along the continuum, but Mr. Fuse may never see it that way.

About separate rooms, we definitely facelick dig that once we have a level of trust with a couple. Even though we're in separate rooms, we're still in the same house and it still feels like a shared experience. Going into a separate room is a great way to really focus on a playmate with no distractions. I think the sex is better that way, much more intense, just... it's much easier to feel, really experience, the sensations of sex through all five senses when there aren't other people around.

[socolais]

I have no experience to add to this thread and I like the level of conversation here.

I'm thinking small to medium houseparties would be something that would closely match my preferences. Safety and security would be easier to manage and matching up with someone we each find attractive would be more likely.

I'm looking forward to the time when my wife and I are ready to take the first swing.

[The Fuse]

socolais,

As you noticed, this thread is about a different subject. What you've done, sort of taking over the thread with a subject of your own, is called a "thread hijack" and is considered bad manners.

If you have something to add to the subject of the thread, or if you want to start your own thread, your posts will be welcomed. But please stick to the subject of a thread that is already underway.

Thanks.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by couplewanting50

I don’t think the woman was very interested in me, and did not really engage with me; for several weeks I had thought that he wanted my wife and she was just playing along to fulfill his fantasy.

I thought the group thing was fun, but I realize I need to really, directly, engage with a woman, not just be next to her as she is getting stimulated by multiple others.

Hi couplewanting,

Do you think that a lot of what you were feeling was a result of the woman not being very engaged with what you were doing or connected with you? It sounds like a very common situation of half of the couple being interested, and the other half not. If I were in your shoes, I'd have felt the same way.

Originally Posted by couplewanting50

Has anyone had similar experiences?

Yes. There have been lots of times that we've met couples where there was only borderline attraction on one side, if that. It makes a big difference in the quality of the experience.

There have been times at clubs/parties where 1/2 of a couple approaches us, we're interested also, and then out of the blue the other 1/2 shows up at the last minute (a man I'm not attracted to and haven't had the chance to even talk with), and "wants in", like it's expected. We then have to decline.

Originally Posted by couplewanting50

Do you feel a need to connect with a partner, and do you find that a clear, powerful, mutual desire and connection are necessary for good arousal?

Yes, very much. I can't get aroused if I don't have a personality connection with and attraction to the person. I also need to feel that the play partner is feeling the attraction for me, too. Otherwise, it would just feel icky for me.

Originally Posted by couplewanting50

It was cause for thought as to how separate room play would have its virtues, and allow connection without distraction.

Was distraction really the issue, though?

[DBL D]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

...I can't get aroused if I don't have a personality connection with and attraction to the person. I also need to feel that the play partner is feeling the attraction for me, too. Otherwise, it would just feel icky for me....

Let just make a law and ban Icky-ness forever...

Male D

[couplewanting50]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

I am a little confused about the OP's question. When you say mutual desire and attraction, do you mean between you and the woman, or between both halves of a playmate couple and you/your SO? And then the question about separate rooms seems to be mostly a distinct question, except the aspect of having a more focused connection.

If the former, then the answer is obvious... of course the desire has to be mutual. So maybe that's not what you meant. For the latter... well, we're still the kind of couple that has to be attracted to both halves of the other couple, and they to both of us, for anything to happen. This is because swinging, for us, is something we do together as a couple. There are exceptions when one of us plays alone, but that's always been with people we already play with.

I suppose it's the difference between swinging being purely about sex with others... and being about sex with others, together. Personally, I could see moving a little further along the continuum, but Mr. Fuse may never see it that way.

About separate rooms, we definitely facelick dig that once we have a level of trust with a couple. Even though we're in separate rooms, we're still in the same house and it still feels like a shared experience. Going into a separate room is a great way to really focus on a playmate with no distractions. I think the sex is better that way, much more intense, just... it's much easier to feel, really experience, the sensations of sex through all five senses when there aren't other people around.

I meant mutual attraction between me and the woman. There certainly was mutual attraction between my wife and the other man.

[couplewanting50]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

Hi couplewanting,

Was distraction really the issue, though?

A good and insightful question. Thank you for seeing that.

Speaking directly, I have to say no, distraction was not the real issue. I need to feel that the woman wants me as I want her. That was not there.

[socolais]

just a quick apology for the unintended hijack. I'll watch that closer, Thanks

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by couplewanting50

I meant mutual attraction between me and the woman. There certainly was mutual attraction between my wife and the other man.

Sorry for misunderstanding you. I thought you were talking about four-way attraction.

Yes, there has to be mutual attraction between me and a playmate. Otherwise, we're just going through the motions, and that's "icky", to quote a pretty cool woman .

For me, a big part of the excitement of swinging is the rush that comes from being desired. Mr. Fuse is the same way. Without that validation, sex with someone other than him would not be worth the effort and risk.

For socolais, thanks for understanding.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by DBL D

Let just make a law and ban Icky-ness forever...

Male D

I'll vote for that.