I want the wife, but my wife isn't ready to do the husband

[Darkblue]

Rules are good when you start swinging, had them and some we still do! but rules are there to be broken/bent, we have met a couple where the Chemistry between myself and the female is huge never have i felt chemistry so strong, and we both want to do full swop, now considering this i told my wife weeks ago i was interested in this and she was more of a NO but never really said anything against it st the time, now we/i am this far she has said she wont do Full swop with him and i can with her but she doesnt like the idea, in the same sentence she also says she does like the idea of Full swop as it gets her going as well!! but she cant get over the boundry she has set herself??she fancys a 3some or 4some as well.. I know women cant make up their mind but this is doing my head in!!! she tells the other guy that she wont do full swop with him, then tells him she needs more time,She also tells me that she might when she is in the Club?

The idea of someone else screwing the wife is appealing to me...
The wife has a BI side of her as well and would like to take it further, i am far from against this,i think its great, Now if she has sex with another women isnt that more or less the same as a Full swop as i wont be taking part in their fun...I am not BI so i wont be playing with him..
I feel that i am moving forward and she is standing still but i also believe she wants to do a full swop but cant jump over her own shadow!!

We trust each other 100% and talk about everything and i mean everything!! we have no secrets we never have had.

I am also her first man and she hasnt been with another man..

So what do i do??

Any idea´s!

Steve

[ShellyM]

Okay Steve,
I don't think you guys are ready to take on full swap at all. Your wife has numerous conflicting feelings going on in her head that need to be addressed before any full play is initiated. I would hate to be a couple that was playing, and the wife was yes, no, maybe, maybe in the lounge, maybe not, yes.....that would drive me to frustration. So, I would suggest that you and your wife sit down and have a serious heart to heart discussion about what she is and isn't okay with. Be very careful in how you talk to her. If you go telling her how you have this INTENSE connection with this other woman like never before she is probably going to be very threatened. So talk things over, and go from there.

[flkeyscouple]

I'd say 'keep talking'! I know you are in a hurry to get to the full swap, but don't hurry her. She'll probably come around - in the long run - but don't pressure her. And keep talking - you say you don't have any secrets and you talk all the time - just keep that up.

We started out soft swap too - and at that time I didn't think we'd ever do a full swap - but the fantasies took over and after discussing it FOREVER, we went for it. We both knew that if either of us were uncomfortable we'd stop and walk way - but we both truly enjoyed the full swap! We knew before we started that we would! We'd discussed it (like I said) FOREVER.

So... keep discussing. Keep talking. Keep fantasizing.

Sarah

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by ShellyM

If you go telling her how you have this INTENSE connection with this other woman like never before she is probably going to be very threatened. So talk things over, and go from there.

Hey, I want to clarify something from my post. Now, when I say this I don't mean lie to her or mis-lead her....after I read it I thought there may be mis-understandings with my meaning.......what I mean is be very tactful in how you say things to your wife.
We women are very sensitive creatures by nature, and we can get threatened when our husbands have connections with other women. So just be sensitive to her feelings. If Jay were to tell me "I met this lady, and we have SUCH an amazing connection, and she is hot and beautiful and I'm so into her, and she is into me" I would probably become at least concerned lol.....and I'm not the jealous type at all.
So, just be wary of her feelings in talking with her.

[Darkblue]

Thanks for your replys but i dont keep secrets and my wife saw that the connection was intense and i wont lie to her about it but she also knows that its sex, not love, not a relationship nothing else!! we do talk for hours and hours and more hours, day in day out!! i wont keep anything from the wife i have no reason to hide anything just because this other women an i have made a big connection doesnt mean anything to me i love my wife more than anything in the world!!
We said when we started swinging no secrets!!anyway i couldnt of as she saw the connection herself!!..
She has said i can but also makes it clear she isnt happy about it!! now i have always looked after my wife and put her before myself!!this is the first person who is interested in me the others just wanted her and i was sat on the sidelines,i have never had the chance to play as such,she has and she enjoyed it!!

Steve

[friskymonkey]

Steve,

It sounds like you and your wife have really good communication. It also sounds like (and I could be totally off base here) that you're so amped up to full swap because you're so hot for this other woman that you're pushing. Like I said, maybe I'm completely wrong.

Also this worries me because it sounds a little like you're suggesting that she owes you...

Originally Posted by Darkblue

now i have always looked after my wife and put her before myself!!this is the first person who is interested in me the others just wanted her and i was sat on the sidelines,i have never had the chance to play as such,she has and she enjoyed it!!

I can certainly understand how hard it is to really want to be with this other woman with whom you have the strong chemistry. But even though your wife (maybe sort of) has said you could go ahead, she has told you that she's not OK with it, at least not presently. If I were you, honestly, I would back off the idea for now. Let it rest for a while and focus on the two of you and your relationship (like you sound like you have been) and like Sarah and Shelly said, keep talking. My guess is that if she were ever to consider bending the rules or extending the boundries, it'd be when she's feeling really secure and loved and supported.

Pressure to do things you're not comfortable with is one of the least sexy things in the world.

Best to you both!

[JTcamp05]

Everyones advise here is right on the money! Keep comunicating and thing will progress.


I do find it funny though that here is a new couple that sets rules with the understanding they will be broken.....then why set them? Mabye the problem is the rules in and of themselves...why noty start with a hey I trust you you trust me lest have fun! It seam to me an easier solution to having complex rules that as you say "will be broken"

[Darkblue]

friskymonkey

We do communicate very well always have done so that has never been an issue!! i do have the hots for the other women but i only want to satisfy my own lust, i also stated that i told my wife i wanted to have full swop long before she came onto the scene!!so its not just because it her!!

I have alweay put her before myself in all aspects and it would be nice if she would just once put me first!! but hey i shouldnt really complain i have a great wife who loves me and i love her.
She owes me nothing,i would just like her to open a bit more and trust herself and to stop being so pessimistic all the time!! and to make up her mind instead of saying one thing then in the very same sentence saying something totaly different!!..
Maybe i am asking too much but i have been honest with her.

@JTcamp05
I went into swinging for her, i wasnt into it as such but now i have licked blood i want more!! i have done a lot of research into swinging and i want to progress and not stay treading on the same spot!! I want to her to have fun and she has been having fun!!
The rules were there so we both knew where we stood and the rules were fine then but now they no longer fit our situation and they as in all rules can be broken/Bent(if both partys agree)
I trust my wife 110% and she says she trust´s me!! she has also said if i go and have my fun then only with a condom which is a must anyway, she even likes the idea of watching and doing 3/4 some... dont ask i dont know either what she wants!!

Many thanks again peeps your helping me get my head around this situation!!
At the moment i am thinking of jacking in swinging as i feel its all one sided she can, i cant, but i like swinging!!so i would be cutting my nose off to spite my face!! (an English saying)

Steve

[Amanda69]

The rules were there so we both knew where we stood and the rules were fine then but now they no longer fit our situation and they as in all rules can be broken/Bent(if both partys agree)

The thing is here that both parties don't agree. Yes at times in certain situations you can get her to agree it might happen but she always goes back to NO in the light of day. My advice, stop the pressure, it is not helping the situation. She isn't ready, that is clear. If you truly put her first and won't do anything without agreement, then that is the end of the discussion for the time being.

[Darkblue]

Amanda69

Your proberly right!!

Steve

[lookingfornow]

I would never do full where we both weren't doing full swap. One of our hard and fast rules is that we play equally or not at all. I wouldn't do it even if other wife was OK with it and so was my hubby.

This is a path to disaster (in my opinion). She will be angry and then will feel like she can't trust you. Soon she will lose all interest in any sexual play with others (claiming that it is because it reminds her that she cannot trust you). Next thing you know, no more play at all and you will be wondering what happened.

If she is going to come around, it will be with a couple that she feels the same interest in going full with that you do. Look for that couple and get over the fact that you have this "chemistry" with this woman.

[getnit2gethr]

Hi Steve. I didn't understand if your wife was against it because she is afraid that you like the woman too much or if it's because she doesn't like the woman's SO.

[Tybee Swing]

Hi Steve, I'm confused about some of this. Can you clarify?

Originally Posted by Darkblue

Rules are good when you start swinging, had them and some we still do! but rules are there to be broken/bent, we have met a couple where the Chemistry between myself and the female is huge never have i felt chemistry so strong

Stonger than anything you ever felt, even more than for your wife? As a wife, I would hate to hear this from my husband. Honest or not, this would hurt to hear. I think a lot of wives may feel that way.

Originally Posted by Darkblue

Rules are good when you start swinging, had them and some we still do! but rules are there to be broken/bent, we have met a couple where the Chemistry between myself and the female is huge never have i felt chemistry so strong, and we both want to do full swop,

Who's we? You and the other wife?

Originally Posted by Darkblue

now considering this i told my wife weeks ago i was interested in this and she was more of a NO but never really said anything against it st the time, now we/i am this far she has said she wont do Full swop with him and i can with her but she doesnt like the idea,

in the same sentence she also says she does like the idea of Full swop as it gets her going as well!!

she tells the other guy that she wont do full swop with him, then tells him she needs more time,She also tells me that she might when she is in the Club?

It sounds like she's probably not ready for full swap. It sounds like she wants to please you and rush along at your schedule of readiness, but she's not there. It's also possible she's not all that turned-on to this other man, the way you are turned-on to that man's wife. Has she told you WHY she doesn't want to do full swap with this man? When she's waffling on whether she'll play with that man or not, it might be her trying to talk herself into going along with all of this to please you, knowing how much you want that other woman.

Originally Posted by Darkblue

Now if she has sex with another women isnt that more or less the same as a Full swop as i wont be taking part in their fun...I am not BI so i wont be playing with him..

Many couples consider girl/girl play to be a part of soft swing. Would you be there watching? What a lot of couples do at that point is the girls play while the guys watch and get turned-on, and then they have same-room sex, each with their own partner. It can be very exciting as an exhibitionist/voyeur experience of having sex in the same room as another couple. One of the standard definitions of soft swing is "anything except intercourse with others". Could be making out with others, girl/girl play, oral, etc.

Originally Posted by Darkblue

I am also her first man and she hasnt been with another man..

You also mentioned that she might want to play with a woman, but it sounded like she hasn't done that either - right? So, she's a woman that's never been with a man besides you, and hasn't been with a woman, so all of this is very new to her. It's going to be a huge step with her to do all sorts of sexual things with other people.

What is your history with swinging, so far? Any activity at all? Just playing around or making out a little?? I don't understand where you two are in swinging right now.

Originally Posted by Darkblue

I went into swinging for her, i wasnt into it as such but now i have licked blood i want more!! i have done a lot of research into swinging and i want to progress and not stay treading on the same spot!! I want to her to have fun and she has been having fun!!

What have you been doing so far? I got the impression that to date she has not been with another man aside from you, and she hasn't been with a woman, either...is that right? The swinging was her idea to start with? What did she state her goals were with swinging?

Originally Posted by Darkblue

The rules were there so we both knew where we stood and the rules were fine then but now they no longer fit our situation and they as in all rules can be broken/Bent(if both partys agree)

What rules were changed, exactly? It's typical for a couple to change rules as they go along with swinging, and after both of them have experienced things in a way that tells them both, "we don't need that rule, we've proven that to ourselves with our experiences". Have you two even really tested the waters yet, to know what rules work and what don't?

I think I'm missing something.

Originally Posted by Darkblue

I trust my wife 110% and she says she trust´s me!! she has also said if i go and have my fun then only with a condom which is a must anyway, she even likes the idea of watching and doing 3/4 some... dont ask i dont know either what she wants!!

So, you two are talking about going separately, pursuing sexual activities not as a couple but individually? This is considered pretty hardcore by many couples. It's more like an open marriage, rather than swinging. Many of us don't and won't ever go separately like that, for many reasons. We consider this something we're in together, as a couple only. There are couples that play in separate rooms, etc....but generally speaking it's considered more "advanced", for lack of a better word.

I think there needs to be a LOT more communicating and figuring out just where you're going with this, and what kind of swingers you plan to be. Virtually every couple has limits and some sort of comfort zone to work in. Yours sounds very undefined. Together? Separate conquests? I'm not following.

Best wishes!

[Darkblue]

Originally Posted by getnit2gethr

Hi Steve. I didn't understand if your wife was against it because she is afraid that you like the woman too much or if it's because she doesn't like the woman's SO.

She likes the other women quite a lot and isnt against the both of them getting it together themselves(bi)

As for the other woman and I well she knows its lust and nothing more..

@Tybee
Many thanks for your thoughts and here are some of answers

Stonger than anything you ever felt, even more than for your wife? As a wife, I would hate to hear this from my husband. Honest or not, this would hurt to hear. I think a lot of wives may feel that way.

1, the feeling of Chemistry or attraction is strong but my the love to my wife cant be touched she is and always will be my number one.. for me this is about lust not love, i like her but i love my wife more than life itself.
I have been honest with my wife and i wont hide anything from her and i would hope she would do the same(she does as far as i know )

Who's we? You and the other wife?

2,yes! we the other wife and I.

It sounds like she's probably not ready for full swap. It sounds like she wants to please you and rush along at your schedule of readiness, but she's not there. It's also possible she's not all that turned-on to this other man, the way you are turned-on to that man's wife. Has she told you WHY she doesn't want to do full swap with this man? When she's waffling on whether she'll play with that man or not, it might be her trying to talk herself into going along with all of this to please you, knowing how much you want that other woman.


3,This may well be and i wont force or even try to tell her what to do or what not to do,its has to her decision and not mine, the funny thing about this, is that she does have fantasy´s about doing swops and 3/4somes ect, she is a Pessimistic where she finds an excuse not to do something because of this or that!!I am serious people she is really bad at times,she also has to plan everything down to the last detail,and we all know you cant plan everything.

She isnt spontanious in anyway whatsoever not on bit.

As for liking the other guy!! yes she does he is just the kind of guy she likes! tall dark handsome and very considerate towards her and she even says she is attracted to him, so for me i dont see the problem being there,if i thought it was then that would change matters instantly,they have kissed and she liked it(she told me so) she chats with him and likes the way he is ect...He knows that she wont do full swop and hes fine with that as well so it wont be a question of your screwing my wife i want to screw yours situation.. we were honest with them from the start..

Many couples consider girl/girl play to be a part of soft swing.

4, i dont think this is soft swop after all lets look at it this way, i am not Bi so other than watching i wont play with the other partner would I?so to me this is full swop!! not that i am against this,far from it... i love the idea..



What have you been doing so far? I got the impression that to date she has not been with another man aside from you, and she hasn't been with a woman, either...is that right? The swinging was her idea to start with? What did she state her goals were with swinging?

What is your history with swinging, so far? Any activity at all? Just playing around or making out a little?? I don't understand where you two are in swinging right now. [/b]

5, Simple we have been to Clubs and have had swops soft swops she has gone further than i have,she has been with another girl and has had some good fun , the look on her face afterwards was a look of "god that was good i am in heaven" and i loved that look on her face!!(i wish i had taken a pic) she is very open towards Sex but always looks at the negative side of things STD,the condom might split, you name the excuse and she has said it!! never looks on the good side of things..

What rules were changed, exactly? It's typical for a couple to change rules as they go along with swinging, and after both of them have experienced things in a way that tells them both, "we don't need that rule, we've proven that to ourselves with our experiences". Have you two even really tested the waters yet, to know what rules work and what don't?

6,Our rules were simple Softswop no seperate rooms(protection for the wife if the guy got too horny for her to handle)
We also said the rules would change the further we went...

The rules have changed to
Seperate rooms,more her choice,I am fine with that as long as i know she´s safe,thats my main concern!.
I also stated from the start(before we had our first Swing experience) that i was interested in Full swop when the time came.
The wife knows that i love women and even though i love women i have never been unfaithfull to her even though the chances have been there it just isnt my thing....I could never do that to her or myself even if it waas just for the Sex...

So, you two are talking about going separately, pursuing sexual activities not as a couple but individually? This is considered pretty hardcore by many couples. It's more like an open marriage, rather than swinging. Many of us don't and won't ever go separately like that, for many reasons. We consider this something we're in together, as a couple only. There are couples that play in separate rooms, etc....but generally speaking it's considered more "advanced", for lack of a better word.

I think there needs to be a LOT more communicating and figuring out just where you're going with this, and what kind of swingers you plan to be. Virtually every couple has limits and some sort of comfort zone to work in. Yours sounds very undefined. Together? Separate conquests? I'm not following.

7,I know this does sound like an open marriage but it is far from that!! the only time we play is when were both together,ie same Club or same house and that we know where the other person is at all times, i also firmly believe that my wife can let her hair down without me watching her,( i proberly would as well as i wont do anything that she might not like)she tends to look at me and ask if its ok to give a BJ and i find that cute but its her choice not mine,if she happy to do that then thats fine by me!! we wont have a housefriend,(male or female)its someone who comes and does house visits without the other partner being present,its a common practice here in Germany but not with us..

Over the last few days she has read the forum and is getting a better idea of my thoughts and feeling maybe more so because talking is fine but she cant take it all in far too much to discuss, Like i say she likes the idea of getting laid by someone else but cant jump over her own shadow to get there i know when she does she will be kicking herself for not doing it earlier,i am serious i know her well,after 24 years together it would be a shame if i didnt!..

Many thanks guys your really helping us on this!

Steve and Susanne

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by Darkblue

Many couples consider girl/girl play to be a part of soft swing.

4, i dont think this is soft swop after all lets look at it this way, i am not Bi so other than watching i wont play with the other partner would I?so to me this is full swop!! not that i am against this,far from it... i love the idea..

Hi Steve, one of the things that's been bugging you is that you feel your wife has gone further along in swinging than you have been able to so far. You're chomping at the bit to get to that other woman, and this idea that your wife has gone further is annoying you.

I just wanted to explain more about soft swap. With two women, there's kissing, touching, and oral (all soft) - that's it. If you're soft swapping with the opposite sex, it's the same thing - you'd be kissing, touching, and using your mouth on a woman (and her with you). Right? This is why girl/girl is considered soft play. And like you said, most men love to watch it, so that's what the men get out of it.

So in my mind (for what it's worth), your wife has just been doing soft play so far, just as you have. When you cross over to swapping partners for intercourse, that's when you'll both be all the way there to full swap.

Personally, I think your wife's concerns we've heard are all valid ones. We all worry about STD's at some point, worry if the condom will break, etc. We especially worry if our relationship will change and never be able to go back, or if some damage will be done. We are all different in how quickly or slowly we jump into these things. So, please don't compare your wife to other women who may have said they dove right in. Since you've known your wife for 24 years, you know it's her nature to need to feel thinggs along gradually, it's her way. You love her more than anything, so for her comfort and happiness, you know she needs your patience through this. It's a BIG step for you as a couple, right? And remember, she's never been with another man other than you in her life; that's a big step for a woman. It will happen, because she wants to go in this direction, but you can't push her. Trust me, the whole experience will be much better for all parties if it only happens when she's ready.

Good luck.