I want the wife, but my wife isn't ready to do the husband

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by Darkblue

Talk talk talk that all we do at the moment!!
She say´s one thing then something else the next!! thats what doing my head in

I´m sure we will get there in the end! one way or the other!


Steve

And once again many many thanks to you all!!you have helped us a lot more than you think!!

I can tell you that Jay can relate. You have to understand that we women are by nature very vocal, much more so than men seem to be. We will vocalize our thoughts, and I know sometimes Jay can interpret that as a plan of action when actually it was just in my thought process and I was talking to him about it. Men tend to want to "fix" the situation, or do something about it. Women are the same, we just like to think things through and talk more. So men get frustrated, because we seem like we don't know what we want to do. I know you feel like you have talked the subject to death, and you are not alone. If you could talk to Jay he would probably roll his eyes and say something along the lines of "I know what you mean" lol. Try and be patient with her. You just cannot make her move before she is ready, and I know that as a loving man you would not want to do that either. I can understand your frustration though.

[richdon03]

I have one suggestion that hasn't been considered yet. Why not just put swinging on the back burner for a while and take the pressure off of both you and your wife. Don't talk about it until she brings it up. Intuition is correct when she talks about the mental and emotional leaps that many (probably most) couples in this lifestyle must overcome to be "successful." Maybe a break from the lifestyle will allow our wife time to process her thoughts and come to terms with her fears.
Take some time to focus on just her for a while and she may come around. Sometimes, we men are quite pushy when this is new. She may have the impression (even though she knows you love her) that the swinging is more important than she is.

[Darkblue]

Shell
Thanks for the input and we are getting there slowly but surely and we will in the end!! there has been improvement and lots of talking and time to reflect on things and how we feel!!

And Jay i agree with oyu women dont know what they want and when the want it

richdon03
Thank you for your input and we have been taking time out, not talking about swinging but its become a large part of our life and we enjoy meeting the people and just going out and enjoying ourselves... we dont want to take a backseat but we have decided that we will take things as they come and if we swop then we swop if not then not,just going to play things as they come with no pressure on either of us!!....

WE WILL GET THERE PEEPS!! and we are getting there...


Thanks

Steve and Susanne

[freekynme]

Good luck with it. No pressure no stress just enjoy the people you meet & each other. Like you said if it happens it does & if it doesnt dont beat each other about it. Just keep up your communication. If your wife is against sex with another man, maybe let her try a female with a strap on. That maybe more her speed. Just dont focus so much on full swap & in her own time she may just come around to it. Or she may find she likes females more & just doesnt have an interest in other men. Who knows? Shes a woman & has the right to change her mind at any ole time she feels like it & you just have to respect her wishes no matter how frustrating they may be. :smile:

J & S

[Darkblue]

I always respect the wishes of my wife and i would never push her too hard any everything is on hold at the moment, i wont be playing with the other wife at all,they have problems because of me and i am trying to sort that out as well now.

The guy thinks because the Chemistry is so strong between his wife and I that i am going to take her away from him,so now we (his wife and I ) have decided that it not a wise idea to play.

However saying that, his wife and I have decided that we will put our bond into a friendship which to be honest is the better of the two for all of us and yes it will be a friendship nothing more.

Yes it will work because i am prepared to make it work and so is she..

I wont come between them for a night of passion and lust.

So now all i need to do is to convince the guy that i wont be playing with is Mrs and why.

but how do you do that without him knowing that I know whats going on between him and his Mrs??

Steve

[Mr. Truelove]

Originally Posted by Darkblue

but how do you do that without him knowing that I know whats going on between him and his Mrs??

Steve

This line stands out to me. Why do you need to hide this information?

Mr. Truelove

[Darkblue]

She doesnt want him to know that the 3 of us have been talking about his problem, if he finds out he will wont like it!! he likes to keep things at home and she needs a friend who she can talk to about swinging and the problems that come with it,the German forums are nothing like this one so you wont get any help from there..no one wants to see anyone else hurt..

Steve

[Mr. Truelove]

So let me get this straight...

The other male of this couple is starting to have a little bit of jealousy about you and his wife. So, as part of his wife's dealing with this she secretly talks to you about it instead of talking to him, and hides it from him....

This just looks like it is going to go downhill from here. In my opinion you should be backing off from both of them so they can work out their issues between themselves. They need to build trust, not tear it apart.

But this is just a humble opinion from a noob.

Mr. Truelove

[friskymonkey]

Steve,

I *know* you don't want to hear this but red lights and sirens are going off in my head.

The road to heartbreaking, homewrecking affairs is paved with well meaning people who were going to deny their physical attraction and just be "really good friends". And now she's sneaking behind her husband's back to talk to you about their relationship issues? Oy, this is going no where good.

Just another noob with a humble opinion.

Rooting for you,
friskymonkey

edited to add: a possesive instead of implying she has multiple husbands

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by Darkblue

She doesnt want him to know that the 3 of us have been talking about his problem, if he finds out he will wont like it!!

I suppose he won't...

Personally, I would more than "not like it" - I'd be downright pissed. First that my wife talked to someone else about our problems, but then those issues were discussed on a public message board... I would be absolutely livid.

And what is worse, my trust with my wife would be compromised because she has been discussing our issues with the male half of a swinging couple...

Wow...

You said that she needs someone to talk to. I can appreciate that, but she also needs to respect her husband. And if he likes to keep things at home, she has failed to respect him and has pretty much handing out the playbill for the next major helping of swing-world drama. This is a couple that does not belong in swinging - and they are exactly the type of couple that, if you are going to swing, you'd do well to avoid. Where there is no respect, there is no stability.

So - for those keeping score: jealousy, a lack of respect, cover stories, loss of trust and three pages about how to massage everybody into the same powder keg... errr... bed - I mean bed

Is this something you really want to be a part of?

Spoomonkey

[Darkblue]

I can see where your all coming from and your proberly right!! i have backed off a lot and the only reason she has told us of their probelms as they dont talk enough and when they do they end up arguing all the time.
As for putting up problems on an open forum!! well i wouldnt of done this unless i knew they would never find and read this forum!! they are German and cant read wirte or speak English!! how many of you would go to a German forum if you were in the same boat as they are?

She doesnt have anywhere to turn to at the moment as swinging here is still a very off limits subject and it outed you will be the scurge of the town!! this is a very Catholic area and i would guarantee a visit from the vicar would be certain!!

at the moment all i would to do is to make sure that he knows that i am not a threat to them in anyway whatsoever and yes i mean it!!
I like both of them far too much to get in between them,i think theres been enough damage as it is,i dont want to leave them alone to try and work things out for themselves because it wont happen.

He will never find out that she has spoken to me at least not from our side, i havent hidden any of this from my wife she knows whats going on and why and is keen to try and help them as well.

I think their problem is they dont talk and dont share the emotions with each other they love each other to death and you can see that but they do things to each other that hurts them and the worst thing is they know it and still dont do anything about it worst even they still carry on hurting each other.
I dont think that their relationship will last much longer unless someone tell them to wake up and to talk to each other properly...

I want to help but i also do not to get the blame if they go wrong...

at leat in a way it takes our minds off our own minor problem!!

Steve

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by Darkblue

As for putting up problems on an open forum!! well i wouldnt of done this unless i knew they would never find and read this forum!! they are German and cant read wirte or speak English!! how many of you would go to a German forum if you were in the same boat as they are?

Yes - but we were talking about how he would feel if he found out... So - how would he feel, even if this site is in a language he can't read, that his wife has talked to you (not him) and their issues were talked about more here than they have been at home (where he likes to keep his issues).

Hey - you are right - I don't know him from Adam... In fact, you could actually be talking about Adam for all I know... And I know no one in Germany, so I'll never accidentally bump into this guy. But the question was - how would he feel?

Now - I have to say it - you are really posting some great stuff for showing what a couple looks like who should not be involved in swinging at all:

Originally Posted by Darkblue

I think their problem is they dont talk and dont share the emotions with each other they love each other to death and you can see that but they do things to each other that hurts them and the worst thing is they know it and still dont do anything about it worst even they still carry on hurting each other.

This happens every where... There are a lot of couples just like this on our side of the ocean. But would we swing with them? Not even if it was a stunt on TV...

Spoomonkey

[getnit2gethr]

It sounds as if you are the only two swinging couples in your town. It's amazing that you have any experience at all.

Let's say your true intention is to be a swinger, and you do not want to steal this guys wife, and you really want to help them. Then what you need to do is convince this woman to be completely honest with her husband.

What if it is her intention is to steal you away from your wife? It's a definite possibility. She may not be right to swing with at all.

[Darkblue]

If i could go and talk to someone else about this then i proberly would do so and not post on an open forum and no i doubt that he would like it if he knew or found out about it but its unlikely that ADAM will..and if hes does sh+t happens and i will deal with that when/if i come to it..



Now - I have to say it - you are really posting some great stuff for showing what a couple looks like who should not be involved in swinging at all:

Not sure if you mean us or them?

We have our problem with swinging but we are getting there and we will get there in the end..

As for them well i just dont know!! I personaly dont think they should swing as they are only hurting each other but they dont seem to realise that..


Steve

[Darkblue]

Originally Posted by getnit2gethr

It sounds as if you are the only two swinging couples in your town. It's amazing that you have any experience at all.

Let's say your true intention is to be a swinger, and you do not want to steal this guys wife, and you really want to help them. Then what you need to do is convince this woman to be completely honest with her husband.

What if it is her intention is to steal you away from your wife? It's a definite possibility. She may not be right to swing with at all.

There are not a lot of swinger here where we live and we do travel to meet people some are 200 miles away the club we visit is also 140 miles away we travel because we have to!! as for experience we have a little.

This what we have been trying to do but everytime she ties to speak with him he explodes and start an arguement

If she wants to steal me away from my wife she will have a hard time as i have no intention of going anywhere without my wife..not now, not ever..