Ok for her to see other guys but not for him to be with other women

[zidanemonkeyboy]

Hey, I'm new here and new to this lifestyle, and I have a few questions about my situation.
A few months ago I told my girlfriend that I was interested in the swinging lifestyle. She didn't seem to have any interest at the time, and told me that she would never do something like that. But that was that, and I dropped the subject, after joking around and setting a basic rule system. Like, always use protection and ask my permission before hand, that sort of thing. But she still wasn't interested, which was fine by me.
Just last week we went to a party at a hotel and got drunk with a bunch of friends. Both of us were very intoxicated and having alot of fun, eventually every one went back to their rooms and my girlfriend and I had a little "after party" in our hotel room, a quiet way to end the night. A little while later, and a few drinks deeper, I couldn't stay awake any longer, and passed out.
In the morning I was awoken with a start and a sad looking girlfriend with a long face saying "I've done something bad hun" I immediatly knew what she had done, and said it was okay, but asked if she had used protection. And to my surprise she hadn't. I was quite upset. And even though I told her it was okay, I felt as if I had been cheated on. Later, after my hangover subsided, I got curious and started asking her questions and all that. Eventually she told me that basically it was okay for her to see other guys, but not okay for me to see other girls.
Why do I feel hurt?
Why does she think it's okay for her to see other guys and not okay for me to see other women?
Does it sound to any of you that we are ready for this type of thing?

I'd greatly appreciate responses.

- dk

[ohash01]

That's not swinging. That's cheating. If you didn't know about it, weren't asked about, weren't participating, had nothing to do with it. Cheating. (Before I get flamed...I will add the 3 magic words...IN MY OPINION). So, you have a right to feel as if you were cheated on. Granted...alcohol is a dangerous thing. I have done MANY stupid things in my time while intoxicated.

You two are NOT ready for swinging. Not if she's gonna be sneaky like that. Communication is key. You two aren't communicating well.

[sexyshelby]

Are you ready? No. But, maybe you could be after some more talking...
She said she didn't want to do it, then got drunk and cheated on you...and without protection. You two need to have a serious talk about why this happened.

You feel hurt because she cheated on you, and you should feel hurt. Did you ask her why it is ok for her to see other guys, but not for you to see other women??? This is a big red flag and, to me, shows that she is not mature enough to handle a swinging relationship, or any relationship for that matter...

~SS

[Mr.T]

Forgive my 2 tarnished pennies here,but I would have been LIVID!!Not at the action itself.I'm pretty forgiving.But the"I can have other guys but you can't have other girls"line.That's not a relationship of any type in my eyes.

[MoonLightKiss]

Are you two ready for this lifestyle? In a word NO...A big fat NO.

She said she would never swing. Okay not a problem. It's not for everyone. But then she goes and cheats? And make no mistake, this was cheating. She did not have permission, you were not in this together, and to me IMO it sounds as if she took advantage of the fact that you brought this up and hopes you won't be mad. But it's cheating no two ways out of that.

THEN she says she could live with being with other men, but she couldn't live with you being with other women. This smacks of hypocrisy if you ask me. You wanted to swing...she wanted to cheat. Now she wants your permission to do it in the future.

But I agree with Sexyshelby, it doesn't sound like she is mature enough to handle any relationship at this time.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by zidanemonkeyboy

Hey, I'm new here and new to this lifestyle, and I have a few questions about my situation.
A few months ago I told my girlfriend that I was interested in the swinging lifestyle. She didn't seem to have any interest at the time, and told me that she would never do something like that. But that was that, and I dropped the subject, after joking around and setting a basic rule system. Like, always use protection and ask my permission before hand, that sort of thing. But she still wasn't interested, which was fine by me.
Just last week we went to a party at a hotel and got drunk with a bunch of friends. Both of us were very intoxicated and having alot of fun, eventually every one went back to their rooms and my girlfriend and I had a little "after party" in our hotel room, a quiet way to end the night. A little while later, and a few drinks deeper, I couldn't stay awake any longer, and passed out.
In the morning I was awoken with a start and a sad looking girlfriend with a long face saying "I've done something bad hun" I immediatly knew what she had done, and said it was okay, but asked if she had used protection. And to my surprise she hadn't. I was quite upset. And even though I told her it was okay, I felt as if I had been cheated on. Later, after my hangover subsided, I got curious and started asking her questions and all that. Eventually she told me that basically it was okay for her to see other guys, but not okay for me to see other girls.
Why do I feel hurt?
Why does she think it's okay for her to see other guys and not okay for me to see other women?
Does it sound to any of you that we are ready for this type of thing?

I'd greatly appreciate responses.

- dk

Sorry, dk, but she's definitely not ready for the rigors of swinging, and if you can't see why, then neither are you. My guess? She doesn't understand the lifestyle, doesn't understand how people can do it and still live with themselves. So she likely resents you for asking her to "sully" herself in this way. What she needs to come to understand is that you're not asking her to dirty herself for your sake. You're not taking something away from her. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Although thoroughly understanding WHY she did what she did may dull the sting of it somewhat, you have every right to feel hurt and angry. YES, it was cheating...and blaming the alcohol is a poor excuse. NO, it's NOT fair to be asked to live with her double standard. Sometimes it's okay to offer your partner a little breathing room by temporarily reining one's self in while allowing her complete freedom. This is just lovingkindness. But it is NOT okay for someone to demand that you restrict yourself simply because she values her own comfort over the fair treatment of another human being. The giving and receiving of a gift loses its meaning when that gift becomes an expectation.

This seems disastrous right now, but it can be healed. First things first: go get yourselves a barrage of STD testing and rule that out right away. Then start talking and don't stop until you're so sick of talking that you want to just puke. Dig deep, and aim for the painful stuff. That's where your trouble lies. This ls like having to jack up the foundation of a house; it's a painful, messy, tiring job, but once it's done all the doors swing smoothly and the windows open and shut with ease. You'll wonder why you lived so many years with the creaks and groans of a malfunctioning relationship when the solution was staring you in the face every morning when you woke up.

You should both read as much as you can here on SwingersBoard. Try getting started and the FAQ for starters. Then use the search feature (drop-down menu above) to search for relevant keywords, like "jealous(y)" or "cheating" or "guilt(y)". Use what you find as a springboard for discussion.

Good luck!

[EvilMJ]

I can't really add much more to that. For swinging to be successful you need a firm foundation of trust, respect, love and of course communication. If you can lay done that frame work in advance then swinging can be a wonderful adventure that you can share as a couple, but when you disregard that foundation then what you have built is quickly going to fall apart around you.

Follow what the others have said, it is very good.

[Dooode]

Originally Posted by EvilMJ

For swinging to be successful you need a firm foundation of trust, respect, love and of course communication. If you can lay done that frame work in advance then swinging can be a wonderful adventure that you can share as a couple, but when you disregard that foundation then what you have built is quickly going to fall apart around you.

Yup. Gotta go with that.

I once was in a situation similar to what Zidanemonkeyboy speaks of. My girlfriend and I were both bi and what she wanted was that she can see couples, while I was only "allowed" to be with other biguys but no women.

Guess how long that relationship lasted.

[Miss_Piggy]

You can look at this as cheating and no one would blame you for that. However, getting worked up and angry is not going to help you resolve your problems with your girlfriend. She may deserve to be treated badly and receive a bunch of anger feelings but in the end, life isn't fair and it's not your job to dole out the fairness anyway.
At this point you have to decide if you can forgive this unfairness or not. Do you want to save your relationship or not? If you do then it's all about communication. You need to find out why this happened. Are you ready for swinging? Of course no. You must already know that. It's not entirely a lost cause. A lot of people stumble into this lifestyle though less than optimal means but you've got your relationship to deal with first.
Why does she need to be drunk to feel like she can be with someone else?
Why does she think it's okay for her but not okay for you?
Again, you need to talk about why this happened, where you both are, and why either of you might even want a part of this lifestyle. Understanding these things might bring you closer to being reaty.

[wifes_sex_slave]

In 3 words, "You got robbed".

This is NOT swinging. Swinging is for both partners, period!

[plazmikgurl]

I agree entirely with what everyone else said. Communication and honesty are THE most important things in any relationship, and it doesn't seem like she really understands what your asking.

[robel12550]

With all due respect to the folks who have posted before, IMO you need to determine whether you want to maintain a double standard relationship with a "girlfriend". Everything else will fall into place.

For starters, alcohol breaks down inhibitions, but doesn't make people do what they really don't want to do (unless they are unconscious. Then it's "rape".) She wanted to have sex with that other man. And by saying that she can continue to do so, she has established what she wants to do in the future (have sex with other men). Since she has determined that she doesn't want YOU to have the same freedom, you have to make the big decision on whether you want to have a future devoted to having sex with only this one woman (or maybe not even that if she decides one day that you will be relegated to just hearing about her other exploits and become cuckold). I'll make a leap here that your initial presentation of the idea of entering the lifestyle didn't have that in mind.

From what you have written, my take is that this relationship is drawing to a close and you should look elsewhere for what you really want in Life. (It's too short.) With that said, I am open to the aspect that people do change (like her not wanting to have sex with other men and deciding after eating the forbidden fruit that she does). So she might swing back to where you want to be. If she is "young" (like in the twenties), then she very well might be going through a "phase" of new found freedom and might make a swing back, but you never know.

If it was me, I'd see the writing on the wall and plan an exit strategy from the relationship AND definitely refrain from further sex with her. With her stated interest in having sex with other men, she very well might "cheat" on you and you wouldn't know it. You may no longer have control of how she does or doesn't apply protection and therefore no control over what she might contract.

Absolutely get that STD screening. NOW!