Husband Feeling Left out - other couple seems to only want FMF with wife

[sillynickname]

We recently started getting involved with the swing lifestyle. Well I should say I did, my wife was in the lifestyle before we were married. Some FFM and FF.. Anyway we post our profile on Swing Lifestyle and get a response I start talking to the female half of the couple and thing seem to be going along just fine. Well we exchange pictures and the next thing I know the female is talking and e-mailing my wife, talking up what her and the hubby is going /wanting to do with her. Not with us as a couple and what seem to make matters worse is my wife is acting like there is nothing wrong here.
I said she could play with other women on here own. I have no problem with that, but I voice concern that I think they would like a FMF with me out of the picture. So last night she receives another e-mail describing how the Misses is going to get my wife so wet and the hubby is going to do her with his 9 inches . I was asking her don’t you see anything wrong here as I’m not comfortable with this. Seem like I’m out of the picture. She says well the other couples wife mentioned you in the last e mail … something to the effect we could put a show on for the husbands. I reacted inappropriately something like O lucky me.
Well my wife proceeds to go into a tirade saying this is not worth it, we should forget the whole thing, I’m over reacting , what do I expect ect…. I would like her to have a friend and all, just if there is a male involved I think it should be as a couple. I was taken by surprise by my wife, I don’t see anything wrong here attitude. With the comment of you’re just not ready for this yet. Now the whole subject is taboo and seems that we are both left with hard feeling.
I was wondering if I did overreact, maybe we should just give it up. I still want to make friends with benefits just I want to be one of the friends.

[catslaughing]

With the exception of those who choose dom/sub roles (and within their limits) we personally feel that extramarital fun is only permissable when both parties are in 100% agreement. Lack of 100% agreement is not swinging, is is soloing.

[do_lei_me]

I dont think you overreacted. There definately needs to be some more communication between you guys. Let her know exactly what you expect and what you arent willing to do. Its totally understandable for you not to want to sit back and watch your wife play in a FMF. The other couple should have voiced that this is what they want and made sure that it was ok. If you guys can't agree on what you both are comfortable doing, than i agree that you need to wait.
Hope everything works out for you,
Lei

[MoonLightKiss]

First things first. I have always felt that people have a right to their feelings, no matter who has an opinion on them. Whether its anger, love, happiness, sadness, it doesn't matter. When it comes to emotions we feel what we feel, and the reasons why is what is discussed. That being said, if you felt left out, you have a right to feel that way, just like your wife has the right to feel upset.

But based on your post, I would say, there are some communication issues at play. Had my husband told me he felt that he was being left out, I would sit down with him and calmly discuss the why's. We would also discuss the what's to fix it. Based on your post, this is clearly not what happened.

My advice would be to sit down with your wife and calmly explain you feeling left out and they why's of the matter. Clearly state your comfort zones and boundaries. If you can both have a reasonable conversation about it, discussing it, and coming to a resolution, then I say you might be ready for this. If it turns into an argument where one or both of you are screaming and fighting, I would say you aren't ready, cut off communication with these other people and work on your communication. Too many times here I have heard communication is the key to swinging successfully. Best wishes to you both.

[cuzzeyesaidso]

She did this solo before you and only you're the newbie. It seems like you're being left out because you are from what you say. Maybe she doesn't want to share you. Could be that's something new for her, and hard to swallow.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by sillynickname

we post our profile on Swing Lifestyle and get a response I start talking to the female half of the couple and thing seem to be going along just fine. Well we exchange pictures and the next thing I know the female is talking and e-mailing my wife, talking up what her and the hubby is going /wanting to do with her. Not with us as a couple and what seem to make matters worse is my wife is acting like there is nothing wrong here. .

Well, as everyone knows I can relate to this situation. First of all, your wife has experience in swinging, and so is more comfortable with situations that arise. I think that is only natural. We experience this alot, the couple talking to one person more than the other. I'll be honest with you. Some people are just more comfortable talking with either men or women. Myself, it does not matter because I am a talkative person. But I know that there is a thing called respect. They should not make it sound like you don't exist, that they are only trying to screw your wife. If this is what they want than they should really voice that so you know from jump.

Originally Posted by sillynickname

I said she could play with other women on here own. I have no problem with that, but I voice concern that I think they would like a FMF with me out of the picture. So last night she receives another e-mail describing how the Misses is going to get my wife so wet and the hubby is going to do her with his 9 inches . I was asking her don’t you see anything wrong here as I’m not comfortable with this. Seem like I’m out of the picture. She says well the other couples wife mentioned you in the last e mail … something to the effect we could put a show on for the husbands. I reacted inappropriately something like O lucky me..

Again, I can relate. Jay is very sensitive about people (usually single men with us) acting like he is not even there, and they are doing him a "favor" by allowing him to "tag along" (we actually had a man tell me that, that if Jay wanted to "tag along" he was welcome)....talk about get ticked off! To Jay it is about respect more than anything.

Originally Posted by sillynickname

Well my wife proceeds to go into a tirade saying this is not worth it, we should forget the whole thing, I’m over reacting , what do I expect ect…. I would like her to have a friend and all, just if there is a male involved I think it should be as a couple. I was taken by surprise by my wife, I don’t see anything wrong here attitude. With the comment of you’re just not ready for this yet. Now the whole subject is taboo and seems that we are both left with hard feeling...

As most people who follow the threads know, on this last week he was quite upset because of a single man (he says he is married but Jay is convinced he is single saying he is married) said that he wanted to play with me, and he would let jay tag along. Now, this is SO disrespectful. And Jay asked me about it. And yes, I frickin over reacted BIG TIME. With me, its about 2 things. Now, I don't know if this is what your wife was feeling, but this is what I was feeling in a very similar situation.
1. I felt like he did not trust me. If you don't trust me we don't have a relationship in the first place.
2. I felt like he was dictating to me what I can and cannot do. If you knew me and my personality thats not a good idea lol. To me, had Jay sat down and said "Michelle, I don't like this guy." That would have been it. As a matter of fact, I immediately told Jay that he does NOT have to explain to me anything. If he does not like the guy or couple than that is it, we don't play with him/them. He has as much say as I do. Just don't DICTATE to me what I can or cannot do, because then I get juvenile lol.

As far as over reacting, I think you could have gone about it better, yes. I think you should have sat down with your wife and told her how you felt. Listen babe, I feel disrespected by them and I don't think they want me involved. I am asking that you please not talk with them. But by going off you put her on the defensive....all of a sudden you were a "Father" figure, dictating to her. And for most grown women this is a bad approach to take lol.

I would suggest doing what Jay and I did. Sit down together and talk about it in a cool manner. Once Jay and I understood each other things were fine.
Best of luck to you.

[Additude]

Your not over reacting.

Your wife blew up as a measure to put you on the defensive and make you feel guilty that the problem lies with you.

If you feel guilty you are more likely to do what she wants.

It's a classic and common game. Guilt is a very powerful tool.

If your wife doesn't want to recognize the situation, acknowledge your concerns and on top of that she play's the guilt trip on you, then I suggest you focus your concerns on her intentions.

She is being very selfish and has complete disregard for you. She can't be wanting to play as a "couple" even if your not there.

[ShellyM]

I agree with the last post, but I still say there is alot to say in people's delivery and how they say things. You can say things in manner that puts people in the defensive.

[Lawguy]

Originally Posted by Additude

Your not over reacting.

Your wife blew up as a measure to put you on the defensive and make you feel guilty that the problem lies with you.

If you feel guilty you are more likely to do what she wants.

It's a classic and common game. Guilt is a very powerful tool.

If your wife doesn't want to recognize the situation, acknowledge your concerns and on top of that she play's the guilt trip on you, then I suggest you focus your concerns on her intentions.

She is being very selfish and has complete disregard for you. She can't be wanting to play as a "couple" even if your not there.

Additude has it as exactly perfectly right as can be. There's simply nothing to add here. I guess that's the end of this thread, lol

Lawguy

[Elric563]

Originally Posted by sillynickname

I said she could play with other women on here own. I have no problem with that, but I voice concern that I think they would like a FMF with me out of the picture. So last night she receives another e-mail describing how the Misses is going to get my wife so wet and the hubby is going to do her with his 9 inches . I was asking her don’t you see anything wrong here as I’m not comfortable with this. Seem like I’m out of the picture. She says well the other couples wife mentioned you in the last e mail … something to the effect we could put a show on for the husbands. I reacted inappropriately something like O lucky me.
Well my wife proceeds to go into a tirade saying this is not worth it, we should forget the whole thing, I’m over reacting , what do I expect ect…. I would like her to have a friend and all, just if there is a male involved I think it should be as a couple. I was taken by surprise by my wife, I don’t see anything wrong here attitude. With the comment of you’re just not ready for this yet. Now the whole subject is taboo and seems that we are both left with hard feeling.
I was wondering if I did overreact, maybe we should just give it up. I still want to make friends with benefits just I want to be one of the friends.

We have had this exact situation happen about a dozen times, but let me preface that by saying that C and I are in the BDSM lifestyle as well as swinging. They are 2 different animals; involve 2 completely different sets of rules, different Trust level et. cet. We have had couples contact us who want BDSM play w/just C or just me and every time we take a pass. If they keep perusing us, C has to take a little firmer stand to get them to knock it off.

You did not overreact in the slightest. You are knowingly being cut out of a relationship and that should be a red flag. Are you swinging for the enjoyment as a couple or do you have an open marriage? It doesn't sound like you have an open marriage so one has to wonder what is your wife's attraction to this type of encounter. It appears that she has an immense attraction to the BDSM lifestyle option, which is normal. But since you are a couple she should keep that in mind when talking to other couples.

If I were in your shoes, I would reexamine what we do/don't want as a couple in the swinging lifestyle and establish a firm set of ground rules that both of you agree on. C and I have a "Lowest common denominator" rule meaning if one of us is not attracted to another couple or is not invited to play, we take a pass.

K

[ohash01]

Like Shelly, and like you, we have had this problem as well. J. has NOO issues with me meeting with a female alone. One girl. That's it. Her hubby/boyfriend doesn't tag along or show up randomly. If there is another M involved, J. WILL be there and he WILL have a say. We've also had the problem of "I just don't like this guy...I think he just wants to get into your pants." And I just replied "Sweetie...that's the POINT of swinging...but if he really bothers you, I have no choice but to cross the couple "off our list" cause they don't play alone" I digress...

Sit down and talk to your wife about how you're feeling. If she's reasonable about it, I think you both can come to the conclusion that swinging is possible - just not with this particular couple. If your communication issues are handled and your both comfortable after that, keep looking. It's hard to date one person...trying to having 4 people involved and someone doesn't like something one other person did and it gets complicated. I agree with Shelly though - don't dictate. I, also get a WHOLE lot bitchy when I get told "no you absolutely may NOT" without getting a reason. I'm sure your wife wants to hear about your feelings and about why you feel how you do. Women are emotional creatures...more so than men...so tell her your emotions...dont' just tell her no. She'll relate.

[havefuninsun]

No one wants to feel left out. It's a terrible feeling.

I think a lot has to do with how hard it is to find another couple. Talk about number of relationships to manage! Just managing your relationship with your wife is enough; then add another woman, another man, how the other woman relates with you, relates with your wife; the other man relating to you, your wife ... lawd have mercy! It's a wonder any of us ever find playmates!

If I were in her situation and Mr. Fun said "I'm not comfortable," I'd cut it off. No questions (well, maybe one or two -- but you know what I mean). So, in a LOVING way, say "babe -- this is making me feel bad, not good. The point of swinging is FUN for all. Let's keep talking to other couples and see if we can find one who better fits both of our desires."

Keep talking and good luck!

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by havefuninsun

No one wants to feel left out. It's a terrible feeling.

I think a lot has to do with how hard it is to find another couple. Talk about number of relationships to manage! Just managing your relationship with your wife is enough; then add another woman, another man, how the other woman relates with you, relates with your wife; the other man relating to you, your wife ... lawd have mercy! It's a wonder any of us ever find playmates!

Who are you telling? We just found a couple we click with really well, and it took 4 months!

[LostDusty]

Originally Posted by Additude

Your not over reacting.

Your wife blew up as a measure to put you on the defensive and make you feel guilty that the problem lies with you.

If you feel guilty you are more likely to do what she wants.

It's a classic and common game. Guilt is a very powerful tool.

If your wife doesn't want to recognize the situation, acknowledge your concerns and on top of that she play's the guilt trip on you, then I suggest you focus your concerns on her intentions.

She is being very selfish and has complete disregard for you. She can't be wanting to play as a "couple" even if your not there.

This is to "Attitude".......this is the wife you're referring to in the above quote. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but perhaps you should have been there to hear everything that was said before you say I was being selfish. First of all, my husband had joined several swinger's sites months before I even knew about it. He had had several ongoing conversations with couples that I was not aware of, he'd sent emails and received emails from couples before I even knew he was doing this.......so who was being "left out" then? I did not feel that I was being "singled" out as a single female for a FMF with the other couple, nor did I feel that her emailing me was out of place.......especially since my husband had been emailing her privately from his account before I knew he even had an account. As to whether either of us over reacted......there was a lot more said and done that what appeared in the post.

We have since been to a swinger party and had a fantastic time. We also have met a nice couple and had our first swinger encounter and it was GREAT. We've met with the couple since then for dinner and a show and intend to have another play session with them next weekend.

[MoonLightKiss]

This is a classic example of there are always two sides to every story. However...

LostDusty, what one must understand is that we are not here to judge people, but give advice. We do this based on the posts. We have no way of knowing if anyone here is telling the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, or if they are leaving parts out to fit their defense, or if its a complete lie. Attitude gave the husband advice based on what the husband said. In all honesty, according to the husbands post it did appear as if he was being left out and disregarded. Attitude based his advice on that.

Should you be upset if the whole story was not told? Maybe. But its not Attitudes fault. That would lie with your husband. It is to him you should tell about how you felt left out first.

Please, feel free for you and your husband to continue posting here. I believe we can all learn from everyone here. And Welcome to the board.