We both enjoy MFM, he wants a FMF but it just doesn't interest me

[SableOnBlond]

Hi there :-)

Well, my boyfriend really wants to have a FMF. We've had several MFM's, so this seems like the next logical step. But I feel a little bad, because when it came to the MFM's, everyone was excited and so into it. My SO said he loved seeing me with another man, and he was a little bi-curious himself. So it was a great experience for everybody.

When it comes to a FMF however...I just can't seem to drum up any kind of excitement. My boyfriend wants to see me and another girl mess around, but that has about as much appeal to me as washing dishes. I tried to explain this to him, that I'm not bi and have not the slightest desire to be intimate with a woman. I tried, for my boyfriend's sake, to have a girl/girl fantasy, but there is just zero appeal.

Another thing is that, while so many on here talk about the thrill of seeing their partner with another person, the idea of that just...does nothing for me. I'd like him to have the experience of being with another woman because I know he'd love it, but the idea doesn't really send me into orbit. I'd be willing to just sit in a chair or something and watch him and another girl for his sake, but he wants me to be part of the action as well, and the whole idea just seems...boring. Really boring. However, I do love watching him with another man, though. Which doesn't help him too much here.

So what should I do? I know that I got to have my cake and eat it too, and now it looks like I'm trying to stop him from having his fun. He wants to see me with another girl so badly, which I understand...but it is starting to piss me off that he won't let go of his wishful thinking and keeps on insisting that I am bi and just don't want to admit it I wouldn't want to get into something with another girl and become totally bored and make the whole thing completely half-ass - not to mention how unfair it would be to the other woman, who'd be expecting a genuinely bi lady.

Is it possible that once I get into it, I might like? I can see where it would turn me on to see my boyfriend getting turned on, but isn't the point of a threesome that every participant is equally excited? I feel like I'm robbing him because I'm not into girls or into seeing him with girls. Is this my fault? I don't think it is, but I feel really guilty nonetheless. Any advice?

[Chip_n_Muffy]

Wait a minute here. You can have a FMF threesome without the women playing with each other. We do it regularly. Muffy is straight, her friend is straight, and I am straight. We still play as a threesome. Not hard to do at all, nothing limits you but your imagination. How bout you take turns licking his cock, or one licks one side and one licks the other. How bout he lies on his back and you ride his cock while the friend rides his face or vice versa. Or, my all time favorite, you two ladies lie side by side, he lies on his side below you, and he licks one of you and fucks the other. I have achieved simultanious orgasms for the ladies several times that way. They love it, I love it. And no bi play necessary.

As far as not being turned on by watching him, if you are a particapant instead of an observer, that problem is off the table.

That's my two cents worth anyway,
Chip

[prettylady]

I am with you on this one. I have no desire to be with another women. I know Dog has mentioned it, but he doesn't push. I have in my mind agreed that I will have light touching in a 4some. I can not imagine myself going south on another women. I have tried, like you to have a fantasy, but as soon as that part comes my mind wonders elsewhere. Sometimes I feel completely alone in this lifestyle because all the couples who email us are either bi or bi-curious.
I guess I am no help for you other then, stand your ground. If you are not comfortable with GOG sex. Don't do it. But a threesome for your mans pleasure like chip and muffy suggested does sound interesting. I would love for Dog to be spoiled like that.
But I don't think that is what your man is getting at. He wants to see you with another women. right?
Just stand your ground. or try light play and see what happens. Like you said you never know.
Your friend,
Prettylady

[good times]

If you aren't bi then you just aren't. You will just have to make your boyfriend understand that. Even though their has been an explosion in the amount of bi women in swinging in the last few years, the majority are still straight. One thing you will hear from the bi girls often when you get into swinging is that they universally hate women who try to do the bi thing because their boyfriend wants them to. It would be no fun for you, no fun for the other woman, and in the end, no fun for your boyfriend. Have you guys considered a couple? that way you both get some action. The other option is for both of you to play with your boyfriend, their is no rule that says the girls have to play with each other, just like the guys rarely play with each other in an MFM.

[sexyshelby]

I agree with the others. Stand your ground. If you're not into the bi thing, then don't do it. Just tell your boyfriend to get over it.
Like Chip said, you can still have a threesome, which sounds like a lot of fun. If you are ok with him playing separate, try going to a club where he can play with another woman while you hang out, dance and socialize. Better yet, find a couple and swap. There are lots of options for you, just talk about them with your boyfriend.

Good luck.

~SS

[ohcpl43952]

Here's a thought. Invite a woman to be with him and you explain that you'll just sit and watch. After a while, you might just find yourself a bit horny and wanting to join in somehow. It is a bit hard to watch two people writhing about in pleasure and not get a bit interested.

Make no promises about anything except that you'll be there to watch. After that, see how you felt and if you want to proceed or not. At least he'll know that you gave it somewhat of a try and he got a little bit of strange.

[WesternSwing]

SableOnBlond, you are overanalyzing this, and I think from what you've said your boyfriend is pushing you to be something you are not... bi.

First, there doesn't have to be any more FF action in a FMF then there does MM action in a MFM situation. I've been in MFM's and there hasn't been an bi action going on. Just because it's two women doesn't mean they have to play with each other. Just make it clear up front the other woman that you are not bi and that this is all about him.

Second, you should never be coerced into something you don't want to do. Your boyfriend has to accept that. There is no discussion about it. No means no. Continuted prodding will just cause you to develop resentment toward him for it and really take all the fun out of it if it does happen.

Third, for the record, I've had FMF's and I really prefer MFM's. To me, they are a bigger turn-on. The FMF is good, but for me MFM's are better. Maybe I'm just more of a giver then taker. :rollseyes

Fourth, finding a partner for a FMF is not as easy as finding a single male for a MFM. It may be awhile before it happens unless you already have a candidate lined-up.

Mr. WS

[bill&sabrina]

You might be the biggest source of your frustration and not realize it. In the majority of your post you discuss not being able to get into being with a woman. Then there is one sentence at the end of the post where you say that seeing something turn your boyfriend on turns you on. It sounds as if everyone would be turned on and having fun, so where is the problem?

[2jersey]

Originally Posted by good times

... Even though their has been an explosion in the amount of bi women in swinging in the last few years, the majority are still straight. ...

Judging from Swing Lifestyle profiles, the majority of women are either bisexual or bi-curious. If you count the bi-curious as straight, about half are bisexual. And less than 20% of the women describe themselves as straight.

One could contend, however, that a large portion of women on Swing Lifestyle are being deceptive - or that Swing Lifestyle is not representative of the general swinging population.

Personally, I think every women should try 'it' at least once. Doing it for your husband is not a bad reason - just let your female partner know that it is an experiment for you, and that you might not enjoy it as much as you hope. As in all sexual matters, you can stop at any time.

[good times]

Originally Posted by 2jersey

Judging from Swing Lifestyle profiles, the majority of women are either bisexual or bi-curious. If you count the bi-curious as straight, about half are bisexual. And less than 20% of the women describe themselves as straight.

One could contend, however, that a large portion of women on Swing Lifestyle are being deceptive - or that Swing Lifestyle is not representative of the general swinging population.

I think a lot of the profiles on Swing Lifestyle are written by wishfull thinking husbands. I will say that at the clubs it is probably getting close to 50% if you include the bi-curious and bi-friendly.

Originally Posted by 2jersey

Personally, I think every women should try 'it' at least once. Doing it for your husband is not a bad reason - just let your female partner know that it is an experiment for you, and that you might not enjoy it as much as you hope. As in all sexual matters, you can stop at any time.

Why do you think everyone should try it? If you know your not bi and find the idea of playing with someone of the same sex repulsive, why would you do it? I cannot imagine that any bi woman would have a good time with someone who is not Bi but is playing with her anyway to please her husband. What you seem to be saying is that women that say they are not Bi are not really sure about it, or that if they tried it they might somehow "see the light" and change their mind. I can assure you that is not the case, my wife has absolutely no interest playing with women, and their is nothing anyone can do that is going to convert her. I just do not believe that anyone should pressure their spouse into doing something they are not comfortable with.

[mrs good times]

Originally Posted by 2jersey

Personally, I think every women should try 'it' at least once. Doing it for your husband is not a bad reason

Following is a quote by EvilMJ (hope you don't mind MJ) from the thread "What are your hangups?" that I think gives a very good reason why girls that know they are straight shouldn't pretend to be bi. This is good example from the other womans point of view.

"I am sure I have said this one 100 times before. But women who pretend they are bi sexual for what ever reason (hubby is pressuring them, they have convinced themselves they are bi) but after spending all your time getting to know them and making plans, you find out they are not even the least bit bi."

[2jersey]

Originally Posted by good times

I think a lot of the profiles on Swing Lifestyle are written by wishfull thinking husbands. I will say that at the clubs it is probably getting close to 50% if you include the bi-curious and bi-friendly.


Why do you think everyone should try it? If you know your not bi and find the idea of playing with someone of the same sex repulsive, why would you do it? I cannot imagine that any bi woman would have a good time with someone who is not Bi but is playing with her anyway to please her husband. What you seem to be saying is that women that say they are not Bi are not really sure about it, or that if they tried it they might somehow "see the light" and change their mind. I can assure you that is not the case, my wife has absolutely no interest playing with women, and their is nothing anyone can do that is going to convert her. I just do not believe that anyone should pressure their spouse into doing something they are not comfortable with.

My recommendation (that swinging women should try same gender sex at some point in their life) applies to women who do NOT find the idea repulsive to the point of risking any real psychological harm. For women (such as OP) who are merely bored (as opposed to 'repulsed') by the idea I think it is worth trying. If nothing else, women who are willing to experiment will learn some valuable lessons about their own sexuality. Most will not be repulsed by some slow paced activity (they can enforce whatever limits they choose). And if their mate enjoys watching, BRAVO! - sex will probably be better when they get home.

[2jersey]

Originally Posted by mrs good times

Following is a quote by EvilMJ (hope you don't mind MJ) from the thread "What are your hangups?" that I think gives a very good reason why girls that know they are straight shouldn't pretend to be bi. This is good example from the other womans point of view.

"I am sure I have said this one 100 times before. But women who pretend they are bi sexual for what ever reason (hubby is pressuring them, they have convinced themselves they are bi) but after spending all your time getting to know them and making plans, you find out they are not even the least bit bi."

I'm against all forms of deception - including pretending to be Bi (or pretending to be straight).

[oldrrob]

I don't think you should try it if you don't want to, and he shouldn't be asking when he knows how you feel. I'd suggest you just straight out tell him that his insistence on it is beginning to turn you off on the whole thing. I would have loved to see her with another woman but she had, as you said, zero interest and I never asked her to. If you ever do try it, it should be when you feel a genuine interest yourself.

Rob

[SableOnBlond]

Wow - thanks everyone for your advice, I didn't expect so much!

Yes, I wouldn't say I am repulsed at the thought of sex with another woman, it just doesn't "do" it for me. I have kissed and done a tiny bit of fooling around with one of my good female friends a few years ago, but there's just nothing there. And yeah, I don't want to lead on any truly bi-sexual gals and disappoint anyone.

I liked the idea that it is possible to have a FMF without the two women necessarily interacting. But is it really easy to find a girl who is interested in that? My SO wants me to be responsible for finding one, which I'm not exactly motivated to do anyway.

Then there is one sentence at the end of the post where you say that seeing something turn your boyfriend on turns you on. It sounds as if everyone would be turned on and having fun, so where is the problem?

Well, I guess it would be more accurate to say that seeing my boyfriend turned on would make me happy for him...although I'm not sure about turned on myself. I don't think it would make me want to jump in there and join the action. Argghh. I hate this because I feel like I owe him another woman now, almost like it's on my to-do list of chores. And that makes me feel SO selfish. It sounds incredibly naive, but when we started doing MFM's, I thought that was going to be the extent of it. He never said anything at first about eventually wanting to play with another woman. Arrrgggh. Maybe he figured from the start that if he let me play with other men, then I'd turn around and let him do the same with women. I don't know. I don't want to stop him, but I'm just not jumping up and down.