We both enjoy MFM, he wants a FMF but it just doesn't interest me

[good times]

Finding a female for your guy is pretty hard, they are rare, as most single females that we have met are primarily into the women.

Have you guys considered a couple, then you can both play but avoid the same sex interaction, and couples are a lot easier to find?

[bill&sabrina]

Originally Posted by SableOnBlond

Wow - thanks everyone for your advice, I didn't expect so much!

Yes, I wouldn't say I am repulsed at the thought of sex with another woman, it just doesn't "do" it for me. I have kissed and done a tiny bit of fooling around with one of my good female friends a few years ago, but there's just nothing there. And yeah, I don't want to lead on any truly bi-sexual gals and disappoint anyone.

I liked the idea that it is possible to have a FMF without the two women necessarily interacting. But is it really easy to find a girl who is interested in that? My SO wants me to be responsible for finding one, which I'm not exactly motivated to do anyway.




Well, I guess it would be more accurate to say that seeing my boyfriend turned on would make me happy for him...although I'm not sure about turned on myself. I don't think it would make me want to jump in there and join the action. Argghh. I hate this because I feel like I owe him another woman now, almost like it's on my to-do list of chores. And that makes me feel SO selfish. It sounds incredibly naive, but when we started doing MFM's, I thought that was going to be the extent of it. He never said anything at first about eventually wanting to play with another woman. Arrrgggh. Maybe he figured from the start that if he let me play with other men, then I'd turn around and let him do the same with women. I don't know. I don't want to stop him, but I'm just not jumping up and down.

You really need to start being honest. It may be your first post, not sure and it isn't the point. The point is on 10-30-05 you tell us your boyfriend wants a MFF, go check Threesome Trouble to refresh your memory. After refreshing your memory with that post why don't you come back and tell us the real problem. I think you called it making "Loose Promises", whatever you call it it is dishonest.

[SableOnBlond]

Hi Bill&Sabrina, I don't know what you're getting at but I'm not being dishonest...?

Yes, my boyfriend first brought up the idea of a FMF sometime last year, which was an insane, spaced-out year, and I was pretty much like, "Yeah, okay, sure." He dropped the idea, and for the longest time I thought it was just a lark.

It has only been fairly recently that he's brought up the topic again - but this time is more persistent about it. And originally, I did make the mistake of being non-commital. I've always wanted to think of myself as this crazysexy kind of girl who'd be up for anything. But it wasn't until after I started giving it a lot of thought that I realized I am just not into other women, nor really into the idea of having another girl in bed. And I've tried explaining this to him, and apologizing for getting his hopes up.

But the thing is, he didn't make any mention of wanting to have a FMF until after we'd had several MFM's, and I had assumed that was all he was interested in...

The funniest part of all of this is that I spent the past several months almost convinced that my boyfriend is gay. But now his interest in women seems to have resurged from out of nowhere, so he always keeps me guessing. I mean, we haven't had a threesome in nearly a year, right? But ever since our last one he still would talk all the time about having another MFM. Mostly what he talked about was wanting to have sex with his male friend, really it was all he could seem to talk about for the longest time, he was totally obsessed. No talk at all about any other women, hell I practically wasn't even in the picture. Not only that, but he wasn't even able to have sex with me for a spell there. I was really getting worried

It wasn't until after he had set up and then apparently forgot (?) about a threesome in June that he all of a sudden switched gears. He isn't talking about having sex with his friend anymore, only mentioned another MFM once in the past couple of months, and now seems to be preoccupied with only women now, the more the merrier. Which has really thrown me off. He goes from talking non-stop about wanting to sleep with his guy friend to wanting two women. I guess it is possible that he is just turned on by EVERYthing. I've never seen anyone like this before

I'm wondering if maybe he did do something with his friend, and satisfied that urge, so now he's swung back to the other sex as far as interest goes. Who knows? But I want to stay true to myself and find a way to make him happy at the same time.

[Tantra]

Communication is key and it strikes me that you guys are simply not communicating enough - not just you, the female, but also your boyfriend. He is not letting you know what he wants clearly, without ambiguity. He is perfectly within his rights to desire an FMF - but it is up to both of you as a couple to determine whether it's appropriate. If you don't really care if he has sex with another female and your biggest worry is that you might have to participate with her and that would bore you - then you have little to worry about - just state that as a condition of play - that girl/girl play is not welcome, that you are not interested in that. It will be more difficult to find a straight girl who will swing with him - but it's not impossible.

That said, are you sure there are no other problems with regards to his new request? Are you sure that you don't mind him having sex with another girl? He should have communicated from before that he was interested in more than just MFM - but like you said this was just a recent thing for him.

Also, how do you feel about a straight couple - where you would play with another man, and he would play with the other woman? Doesn't this solve the issue?

[Tantra]

Actually I just read the other thread where more details were expressed - my conclusion, these guys do not need to be swinging .. there's way too much emotional drama going on. Most swingers I know including us would stay far far away from this kind of drama.

[bill&sabrina]

You give me the feeling that you are dishonest, because you admit to making "loose promises". How would you feel about someone who admits to telling someone one thing when they mean the total opposite? You also mention feeling guilty about what you have done. What reason do you have to feel guilty? Is it that you haven't done something you told him you would? As I have read your posts I get the impression you aren't laying everything out to your boyfriend, or us. If I am wrong just chalk me up as another ass on a message board and ignore me.

Bill

[SableOnBlond]

Hey, thanks guys.

Actually I just read the other thread where more details were expressed - my conclusion, these guys do not need to be swinging .. there's way too much emotional drama going on.

Yes, but my old post was from nearly a year ago. The issues I had then aren't relevant now, and I am not the same person at all. I did a lot of partying back then, but ever since January have stopped, so I've got my head screwed on a little tighter, and have taken more control over my life.

Also, how do you feel about a straight couple - where you would play with another man, and he would play with the other woman? Doesn't this solve the issue?

Well, here is the trouble with that. Both my boyfriend and I are the type of people who take a looong time to open up and let others in. We aren't social or flirty, nor do we particulary enjoy meeting new people. I suspect that going out to clubs/parties or attempting to meet a couple online would result in a lot of uncomfortableness. That is why I prefer to swing with people we know. (I know that is usually strongly discouraged). I don't really like the idea of going out and looking expressly for people to swing with. I'd rather it be something that just "happens" with those I am already close to.

You give me the feeling that you are dishonest, because you admit to making "loose promises".

When did I do this? Was this in my post from last year? I admit that I initially tried to wave off my boyfriend's ideas about a FMF by saying "Yeah, okay, sure." Mostly because I knew it wasn't going to happen. He is even worse than I am when it comes to meeting new people. And then it was recently, when he brought it up again, that I realized it just wasn't my cup of tea. So I did tell him, straight out, that I wasn't interested.

What I feel guilty about is that I got to have the experience of two men, but I sometimes feel like I'm cheating him by not being bi and not being excited about sharing him with another woman. He wants me to be just like those girls on the Girls Gone Wild infomercials and I'm not. I really think that when he got me to do a MFM he was excited and thought I would be open to absolutely anything. And now I'm not panning out to be quite the wild child he imagined. And I feel a little guilty as well because he is so good to me, does everything in the world for me, and sometimes I wonder if I should be able to find it within myself to just DO this for him, since it the idea makes him so excited.

It is true that I am probably not as in to swinging as most of you here, but my problems fall a little in that area, and it is definetly easier to ask for advice here rather than a vanilla relationship board! And if I had to classify myself, I'd probably lean more toward being a poly than a swinger. But I always appreciate everyone for taking the time to help out and share wisdom.

[oldrrob]

I think some of the responses to your delimna, (sp), see it as a black and white issue, one way or the other, and you've expressed every feeling, idea, reservation, etc and etc, and if you say one little thing that doesn't fit a perfect narrative, you become indicted. It took me a while to find out that my wife enjoyed the attention of another male, but she didn't so much enjoy seeing me with another woman. And she felt guilty about that. I was able to convince her, because I truly felt, that I was fine with that. I was just so fulfilled with her afterward, and watching her, and enjoying her enjoyment. It wasn't selfishness on her part, it was just the way she felt about it.

If something isn't right for you, it won't get right because someone else wants it to. I derived my pleasure from her.

Rob

[SableOnBlond]

Awwww, that is really sweet Rob. Thanks for your response!

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by prettylady

I am with you on this one. I have no desire to be with another women. I know Dog has mentioned it, but he doesn't push. I have in my mind agreed that I will have light touching in a 4some. I can not imagine myself going south on another women. I have tried, like you to have a fantasy, but as soon as that part comes my mind wonders elsewhere. Sometimes I feel completely alone in this lifestyle because all the couples who email us are either bi or bi-curious.

Wow, when I read this I said how much I relate. I was just saying the other day that being a straight female seems to be more of a liability than an asset in this lifestyle. I just can't be someone I'm not, but it does pose difficult since so many women are bi curious or bisexual.

[Tybee Swing]

Hi SableOnBlond, it seems to me that you two could resolve a lot of this just by being really open with each other. Tell him everything that's on your mind, and how you feel. Ask him to tell you everything that's on his mind, too.

Sometimes when it comes to fantasy/taboo/kinky things, some men have all kinds of things going on in their heads that they want to try, but they don't tell their partner all of it. They decide in kind of a calculated way that they'll spring Step #1 on her, see how that goes, groom her in that thing, and then when that flies, he'll ask her to do Step #2 for him. He can spend years doing this, before she finally learns his real agenda, which is Step #7. From reading many message boards and men's posts, this is the way some men operate. It often starts with the classic question, "How can I get my wife to ____?", but he'll never ask her directly for that - he wants to groom her for it with smaller steps, first. The men aren't being straight with their entire agenda. The women suspect there's a lot more, but don't dig for the answers. Maybe they're afraid to know - so, they give mixed messages and they waffle back and forth.

It's best to just open the topic WIDE open with each other and learn it all.

It sounds like you don't really know the degree of your boyfriend's bi interest. You were even worried when he showed so much interest in his male friend. Then, he boomeranged and is now showing tons of interest in being with other women. You seem confused by this. Have you really talked about this with him? Asked him more about his sexuality and desires? You need to know what makes him tick and what's going on with him.

Originally Posted by SableOnBlond

Both my boyfriend and I are the type of people who take a looong time to open up and let others in. We aren't social or flirty, nor do we particulary enjoy meeting new people. I suspect that going out to clubs/parties or attempting to meet a couple online would result in a lot of uncomfortableness. That is why I prefer to swing with people we know. (I know that is usually strongly discouraged). I don't really like the idea of going out and looking expressly for people to swing with. I'd rather it be something that just "happens" with those I am already close to.

Does your boyfriend really know that you don't want to go to clubs/socials or online to meet people?

Does he know that you want to be with people you already know? Even people you want to feel close with?

Does he know that you want to leave it to chance (it "just happens"), and that you don't want to LOOK for people to swing with?

Originally Posted by SableOnBlond

What I feel guilty about is that I got to have the experience of two men, but I sometimes feel like I'm cheating him by not being bi and not being excited about sharing him with another woman.

No two people are exactly alike. We are ALL individuals. Even the closest couple here have their own unique desires and don't see eye-to-eye on everything. If you were bi and he were totally straight, would you imagine him feeling guilty for not wanting to have a MM experience just for your sake? You're not cheating him.

Originally Posted by SableOnBlond

He wants me to be just like those girls on the Girls Gone Wild infomercials and I'm not. I really think that when he got me to do a MFM he was excited and thought I would be open to absolutely anything. And now I'm not panning out to be quite the wild child he imagined.

It's immature for a man to want you to be somebody you're not. Girls in infomercials aren't "real". That's as lame as a man seeing a certain porno flick, and being disappointed that his woman isn't the nympho do-anything porn star. If he thought the MFM was a bargaining chip to get you to do other things that he didn't even mention at the time, that's a manipulation. So, you're not "panning out" to be what he imagined that he wanted to turn you into....too bad for him. You do not owe him that. Be yourself, know what YOU want and don't want. You're not his puppet on a string.

Originally Posted by SableOnBlond

And I feel a little guilty as well because he is so good to me, does everything in the world for me, and sometimes I wonder if I should be able to find it within myself to just DO this for him, since it the idea makes him so excited.

No matter what he does for you, compromising yourself just to please him is never a good choice. If you do something for him that you have no desire to do only to please him, in the end it will only cause you to feel resentment toward him for expecting this of you. If he can't love and accept you just the way you are, that's his problem. So, the idea makes him excited. A man who truly loves you won't expect you to do anything that doesn't make you excited, too.

Originally Posted by SableOnBlond

And if I had to classify myself, I'd probably lean more toward being a poly than a swinger.

Earlier in this post you were using the term swinger, and swinger terminology - but here is a new truth about you. You're not really a swinger. Have you told your boyfriend this fact really clearly? You want to be with someone you feel close to. You see yourself as poly. (This is a good start, discovering yourself and knowing what you want.) I think this is something else you need to talk a lot more about with him.

You need to learn to be a confident enough person to:

(1) know who you are and are not, and don't compromise who you are for anybody. (For example, you're not a Girl Gone Wild video and you never will be.)
(2) know what your sexual and emotional desires are, and if you don't like something, or don't think you want to do something, state it clearly and plainly.
(3) ask your partner everything about what they like. Ask for detail & clarification about what they ask you for. Learn what makes him tick. Don't spend even one night just worrying about what he's thinking or desiring...ask him.

Best wishes!

[2jersey]

Originally Posted by SableOnBlond

I'm wondering if maybe he did do something with his friend, and satisfied that urge, so now he's swung back to the other sex as far as interest goes. Who knows? But I want to stay true to myself and find a way to make him happy at the same time.

You suspect him of cheating on you with another guy - it seems that you should deal with this issue before you continue any discussion regarding swinging.

[SableOnBlond]

Tybee Swing, thank you for taking the time to make such a long response! You know, I think the truth is that I am afraid to know just what is going on in my SO's head, and what his desires are. I suspect that what we want are two different things. I think ideally I'd like to have an open relationship. And not so I can get out there and be shagging a different guy every night, either. But he isn't very receptive to this idea, as he seems to think that if given the opprotunity, then I would be out there prowling around every night I guess he is just afraid of losing me, and wants our swinging to be something that he can keep an eye on, and have some control over. Which I can understand.

2jersey - Well actually, it wouldn't be cheating. He asked me straight out a couple of months ago if it was okay for him to have sex with his friend, and I told him I didn't mind. Because truthfully, I don't. Like I said above, the idea of an open relationship is cool with me. I told him several times that I don't care what he does when I'm not around. Although, I really find it hard to believe that he actually DID do anything. He's so reserved, I can't imagine him actually coming onto his friend by himself, without me there to intiate things. And I'm really not about to ask him anyway, since if he wanted to talk about it with me than he would.

Don't get me wrong though, if he had sex with a stranger then I would want to know about it. But with his friend, it is dramatically different. They share their own type of bond, and have been friends for much longer than I've been around, so to me whatever goes on between them is their business.

I guess as Tybee Swing said I'm not technically a swinger, so I apologize for clogging up the place with my posts. But I really appreciate everyone's words and it certainly DID help. I'll refrain from posting anymore, but I'll definetly still hang around to read and comment

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by SableOnBlond

Tybee Swing, thank you for taking the time to make such a long response! You know, I think the truth is that I am afraid to know just what is going on in my SO's head, and what his desires are. I suspect that what we want are two different things.

You're welcome! I hope you can break through feeling afraid to know what's really in his head, and open up the talking. Even if you discover that you are on totally different paths, knowing this truth is so much better than averting your eyes and pretending you're in sync. Some women are afraid to face things and lie to themselves for years, wasting a lot of time. Trust me, I've learned that from past experience. It takes courage to face facts and seek truth head-on, but life is so much richer when you do.

By the way, about him and his male friend - you have every right to know what is going on in his head about him, what they do or have done together sexually, etc. How can you ever really know your boyfriend, if you don't talk about all of these intimate things? You thought for awhile he might be gay because of his fascination with the guy, but no sex or lack of sex with you. It does concern you. If you want to get close to your bf and really understand him, don't you want to know where his heart & mind is? Just my humble opinion, but the fact that he's known his friend longer than you doesn't matter. You're still his girlfriend.

Originally Posted by SableOnBlond

I guess as Tybee Swing said I'm not technically a swinger, so I apologize for clogging up the place with my posts. But I really appreciate everyone's words and it certainly DID help. I'll refrain from posting anymore, but I'll definetly still hang around to read and comment

Please don't think that, this board isn't only for technical swingers. There are all kinds of people here, including poly, and people who feel they're some combination of swing and poly. There's room for everybody here.

[SableOnBlond]

Hello again, sorry it took me so long to get back to this thread. I've been busy pouring through a lot of the older threads, very interesting.

By the way, about him and his male friend - you have every right to know what is going on in his head about him, what they do or have done together sexually, etc. How can you ever really know your boyfriend, if you don't talk about all of these intimate things?

Well, my feeling is that what my SO does when I'm not around isn't any of my business. I don't worry or care about what he is doing out there. I go about my day, doing my thing. Then when we get together that is the only time that matters to me. Maybe that sounds strange? I don't know. I don't look at my relationship as two people getting together and becoming one. I need my freedom and free time too much. I look at it more as two separate people doing their separate things, and coming together when it's mutually beneficial for them. We do share a deeper bond and friendship than I've ever had with anybody else. But I don't like to be tied down in any way, or necessarily tied to anyone. I love knowing that we are always going to meet up at the end of the day. He's my rock. But I don't want to know everything there is to know about him. I guess I prefer some mystery

Life is really funny. No longer am I feeling at all guilty about our MFM's. Last night the three of us were together and I was kind of blown away when I realized my boyfriend wanted something to happen! I was being kind of playful with his friend, but then I stopped because I thought that might upset my boyfriend. Little did I know! It was driving him crazy, and for the first time he was the one who came right out and said he wanted to play. I guess he was hanging back and waiting to see if *I* was interested. It ended up being the greatest night ever, for everyone. Then later he told me how much he loved sharing me with someone else. So now I don't have to feel bad anymore Communication is definetly key, as you all preach. But I realized you can also communicate through body language just as much as with words...I prefer to do it that way, anyway.

Well, I don't know if the FMF thing is resolved or not. But at least now I can stop feeling like I'm being selfish. Thanks folks