Wife can't handle seeing/hearing husband being pleasured

[Just Curious]

Me and my wife of 11 years tried our first swing (full swing). We talked about it for about 5 or 6 months before it happened. The first time we meet this other couple we just went out for dinner, drinks and talked. We all deiced to meet again the next weekend for my birthday at a club.
The other couple stayed in a hotel. After we hooked up at the club, we stayed for about 3hrs and then took a walk on the beach, after about 30min on the beach we all deiced to go back to the hotel. My wife and this other man deiced to take a shower together, while me and his wife was getting cozy on the bed. When they got out of the shower, we did the same thing. After about 30min of me and this other woman in the shower, we deiced to go into the bedroom where my wife and her husband was at. When we got into the bedroom me and the other guy went soft(why). Me and the other girl was trying to make the best of an embarrassing moment, but as soon as my wife heard me moan she got jealous. She got up, got dressed and left the room.
We came home and talked all night. She said that "she was A-OK when me and the other girl was in the shower but when she heard me moan she flip out"(is this normal). After about 2 weeks of talking she deiced to try it again, but this time she wanted to try a 3-some with another guy, so we did. We had the best night of sex ever. After we had our 3-some we came home and had sex for 5hrs it was great. Now she wants to try the 4-some again but when we swap she wants it to be in separate rooms (is this normal). We would appreciate your help on this one.


Thank You,
Just wondering

[This message has been edited by Just Curious (edited 08-21-2000).]

[JustAskJulie]

The situation you encountered is actually pretty common. There are two things you are dealing with here. First the "soft" issue.. which is basically stage fright. I've written an article on that in the "JustAskJulie" area of the site that you can read. What it comes down to is a new situation with new people where you aren't comfortable. This rolls into the issue of being in the same room with your wife and the guy she's playing with.

Basically, as long as you were seperated you could easily focus on what you were doing, turning on the person you playing with and allowing them to turn you on. You weren't worried about what else might be going on next to you, or what your wife might see or think (same goes for her) because you couldn't see each other. Then you brought everyone into the same room, and things got difficult. Hearing you enjoying yourself a) brought your wife back to the real world that someone else was in (besides her and the guy she was playing with) and b)showed her that you were having more fun that she was cuz she was still dealing with Mr. Softie.

A lot of guys have a really hard time being in a room naked with another guy, even tho there is no chance of any interaction, it's just a phobia. There are really a lot of issues that cause this. The main thing to remember is that this isn't uncommon and you shouldn't be embarrased by it.

If swinging is something that you and your wife want to continue with but being in the same room is causing problems, don't be in the same room. This is the reason why many couples engage in "closed swinging" or "closed door swinging" as it is referred to. This way they can each have their fun then when it is over come back together talk about what happened, and have great sex together. Each couple has to find what is right and works best for them.

I hope this helps a little.

Ok, I know this is not going to be a popular answer, but....

I feel that if you are having problems with Jealousy issues, then there is something in your relationship that is not right. You need to find out what it is and fix it. A truly stable, loving relationship will allow you to overcome the jealousy. It's really just that simple. Many people are fine with seperate rooms, but I just don't see it. Not in a healthy relationship.

As for the other problem, It happens to all of us sooner or later. It's usually called: Stimulation Overload. No big deal.

Husband of CyberMWCouple

[This message has been edited by CyberMWCouple (edited 08-22-2000).]

[JustAskJulie]

I can see both sides of the same room/seperate room issue. There are actually more reasons that simple jealousy to drive that decision. For us, my husband really enjoys watching me with other guys.. which when you put us in a room with a couple has often caused problems. The other female ends up feeling like she isn't getting enough attention because he is watching me. So often the best way around that for us is seperate rooms.. either that or take turns.

As for the jealousy issue.. that is fairly common with first timers too and either you work it out with communication or you decide that swinging isn't for you.

[Amy]

After some months of consideration my husband and I finally took "the plunge" and swapped with a couple that we have been friends with all of our married life. (12 years.) After weeks of teasing and flirting we spent an evening at their home. They are childless and that made it easier. We played in a soft swing way. Each husband explored and gave the other wife an orgasm manually and then each wife did the same for the other husband. It was truly weird at first! But I would not have even considered it if my husband had not been in the room. Our second meeting was 2 weeks later and we reserved a hotel room. At that time we had a full swap. If anything our downfall was that we planned it out almost too much. We orchastrated everything. We took turns making love, one couple at a time. When it was one wifes turn her husband leaned against the headboard and she leaned back into him while having intercourse with the other man. We got a little more independent with the others spouse after that initial swap. But the point is that having my husband there and participating was the best part. That was the fantasy fulfillment. I think without him there in the same room it would have just been more like cheating. I suppose different things work for different people though.

[woody]

Originally posted by Amy:
But I would not have even considered it if my husband had not been in the room. Our second meeting was 2 weeks later and we reserved a hotel room. At that time we had a full swap. If anything our downfall was that we planned it out almost too much. We orchastrated everything. We took turns making love, one couple at a time. When it was one wifes turn her husband leaned against the headboard and she leaned back into him while having intercourse with the other man. We got a little more independent with the others spouse after that initial swap. But the point is that having my husband there and participating was the best part. That was the fantasy fulfillment. I think without him there in the same room it would have just been more like cheating. I suppose different things work for different people though.

My wife felt just the oposite on our first adventure. She insisted on seperate bedrooms while I would have prefered the one room for all. As a result from the onset the sex was so good it ended up on a weekly basis for two years never all being together in the same room. Have to say your last comment is true ifferent strokes for different folks :> )



[This message has been edited by JustAskJulie (edited 08-24-2000).]

[Amy]

I suppose it depends upon your motivation for sharing sex with another couple. My husband and I had discussed it at length before we did it. We found it highly erotic just to think about swapping while we watched each other. Our desire was not to develop sexual relationships on the side but to add a new thrill to the relationship (with each other) that we already have. I think it is thrilling to make love to a different man while my husband shares my experience with gentle touches and kisses. And I do the same for him while he is with Kristen. But, for me, to make love to somebody without him there defeats the purpose. But if your relationship lasted 2 years it must have worked for you.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally posted by Amy:
I suppose it depends upon your motivation for sharing sex with another couple. My husband and I had discussed it at length before we did it. We found it highly erotic just to think about swapping while we watched each other. Our desire was not to develop sexual relationships on the side but to add a new thrill to the relationship (with each other) that we already have.

Closed room swinging really doesn't neccesarily have anything to do with developing relationships on the side. There are a lot of reasons that people develop their preference for the type of swinging they choose. We do it all, open and closed, however usually when it comes to other couples we have found that FOR US, even tho we would prefer to be able to watch each other, that it often works better to do closed swinging. Simply because when we are in the same room, he can tend to get too into watching me and the other female may end up feeling ignored while that is going on.

I think that when it comes down to it every couple has a different set up when it comes to swinging and how they choose to do it and what rules they choose to apply. It's all about finding what works for you and what makes your sex life better. Some couples have totally open relationships where they can have sex with anyone at any time without any prior knowledge from their spouse, others only have sex with couples in the same room. Others never do complete swap. The point is to sit down and talk with your partner about what will and won't work for the two of you and draw your lines at a place that you both agree on.

Julie http://www.swingersboard.com

[Amy]

Closed room swinging really doesn't neccesarily have anything to do with developing relationships on the side. There are a lot of reasons that people develop their preference for the type of swinging they choose.

I am sure that is true. My husband and I don't think we will include others in our bed beyond the close friend couple we have sex with. This kind of took us by surprise as we didn't really think we would ever do it. But if we do continue making love with them, over time, I would imagine it would evolve into having sex with the others spouse at will, regardless of whether or not the other 2 are present. It only makes sense to me that eventually it will become that common place. I am new at this. Do you think I am wrong?

[JustAskJulie]

Originally posted by Amy:
But if we do continue making love with them, over time, I would imagine it would evolve into having sex with the others spouse at will, regardless of whether or not the other 2 are present. It only makes sense to me that eventually it will become that common place. I am new at this. Do you think I am wrong?

That really depends on you and what you want. If you don't want to evolve past that and aren't comfortable with it doing so, then it won't. Your relationship goes where you take it. You set your own boundaries. It may come to a time where you consider trying something seperately, and you might even. You may decided that playing seperately just isn't for you. Or you may never play seperately, some couples don't. It all depends on you and what YOU are comfortable with and what works for you.

HHhhmmm....

"Different strokes for different folks" is a good thing! *lol* If we all did the same things the same ways, we'd all be bored with each other! Where's the adventures in that?! *lol*

As for the same & separate room thing...We prefer same room only! We don't swing without each other being in site. That's part of what turns us on, seeing each other pleasured and give pleasure. I also feel much more secured when hubby is there in "see/touch/& feel" range, I can go on in this area too, but I won't right now. *lol* Again, this is our decision, as other's make their own decisions too.

As for the comment about "making love" with someone else or other couples...Again, this is us...We don't "make love" to anyone else, but each other, hubby & I, visa-versa! We have "sex" with others, but never love. There's a difference...*VBG* The day (or night *lol*) we find ourselves "making love" to someone else besides each other, we're evaluating our relationship and the lifestyle! Nothing is worth what we have in our relationship, Each Other!

Anyway...HAPPY LABOR DAY WEEKEND to everyone and happy searching! ;-)

Wife of CyberMWCouple

[This message has been edited by CyberMWCouple (edited 08-31-2000).]

[This message has been edited by CyberMWCouple (edited 08-31-2000).]

[JustAskJulie]

As for the comment about "making love" with someone else or other couples...Again, this is us...We don't "make love" to anyone else, but each other, hubby & I, visa-versa! We have "sex" with others, but never love. There's a difference...*VBG* The day (or night *lol*) we find ourselves "making love" to someone else besides each other, we're evaluating our relationship and the lifestyle! Nothing is worth what we have in our relationship, Each Other!
[/b]

I think that is a problem people run into in general.. and one reason a lot of couples can't handle the concept of swinging. It's hard for them to seperate LOVE from SEX. You can have one without the other, and they are two very different things. You can have sex without an emotional attachment.

But then others (as I think the case was here) just use the term "making love" interchangably with "sex" and don't really attach that emotional connection with the term. I think it's a term we hear so often anymore in the media (tv) that it's really lost it's real meaning.

[Amy]

[quote]Originally posted by JustAskJulie:
[b] I think that is a problem people run into in general.. and one reason a lot of couples can't handle the concept of swinging. It's hard for them to seperate LOVE from SEX. You can have one without the other, and they are two very different things. You can have sex without an emotional attachment.


In our case we are emotionally attached to the couple we share with. They have been our best friends for over a decade. That is precisely why we chose to take this step in the first place. I do not "love" the other guy in the classical "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" sense, but he is very special to me and very important in my life. If I am going to have intercourse with another man I want it to be him. And I know that my husband feels that way about the other wife. I think, in order to have a successful sexual relationship with another couple you would need to be either comparitive strangers or best friends. We chose our best friends. Communication has been very important to us. We talk about what we are doing in between episodes. I particularly talk to Kristen and my husband makes it a point to communicate with Kristen's husband. This is an effort to keep anything from taking us by surprise in the way of jealousy. In addition to that we see this couple several times each week and we have only traded partners 3 times (once for just exploring physically to see if we wanted to go further, and twice for intercourse), all over the past 10 weeks. Most often, when we are together there is teasing but no actual sexual activity. It's more important to us that they remain our friends that our sex partners.

Amy, that's cool that both you & hubby have this kind of bond in your relationship with your close friends! *VBS*

[Amy]

Thank you. All 4 of us had never had sex with anyone except our own mates and we are having a ball!