Interested in Her but not Him - What to do???

[CoupleinCanada]

Hello there everyone!

We are a couple in Canada who is new to the swinging scene. We've been to a few parties at off-premises clubs and enjoyed ourselves immensely. We've found a club here that we really like, and have started to make some friendships with some really nice couples there.

At a recent party we were at, we were "hit on" by another couple. We socialized, shared a few dances, and chatted for a while, and they asked us out to dinner sometime next week. We exchanged phone numbers, and they called us a few days ago to set up a time to meet. So far, so good! :-)

Here's the problem: we are attracted to the woman and would like to be with her, but we aren't attracted to the man. Being new to the club, we don't want to offend anyone by telling them we aren't interested. We also don't want to go ahead with them as a couple as anything more than friends.

What is the etiquette for a situation like this? Any advice you would be willing to share with us will be most appreciated.

Cheers,

(Newbie) Couple in Canada

[Flori_DAMAN]

Ok,
Lets start from the beginning. Swinging is for MUTUAL pleasure. If you both agree on a person to swing with then swing with that person. That normally involves a threesome. When it comes to couples then the odds change. If you both agree that you like one of them then what? Just try to get that one and to hell with the other? The other person has feelings too. To even contemplate trying to figure out a way to have just that one half of the pair is outrageous. If you are not FOUR WAY compatable then its not right. That is a tuff combo sometimes. But if you want to have fun and not strain relationships then it is the only way to go. Nuff said.

[Stratecpl]

CoupleinCanada,

In our case, we let it be known right up front that we only swing together as a team. If anyone wants only one or the other of us, then they need to look elsewhere. Just being friends is great, and friendships are hard to find these days anyhow. We have also met couples where we just don't "jive" with both people.... we just don't encourage anything more than friendly chat, no matter how much we'd like to get together with the other one who we like. There's a lot more out there to choose from, and you'll find the right couple soon. Like michigancouple
said, swinging is for mutual pleasure. Good luck!!

Ron, Husband of Stratecpl

[JustAskJulie]

You need to be honest with them... and then you never know where it might lead.

Some couples do swing seperately and you might get lucky and find that this is one of them. However, yes since it seems that they are both into you guys you will hurt his feelings.

Your best bet is already past. That would have been to let them know before you made a date that you weren't interested and move on. In the future the two of you might want to work out a signal to communicate to each other at club outings so that you know if you are interested or not without having to go off in a corner and discuss it (or you could just go off in a corner and discuss it). Either way, you need to get that message to each other before you end up in a predicament like the one you are in.

Based on your post, I gather that you realize your chance at even getting with this woman (if they do swing seperately) is pretty much past because you waited too late (ie. until the guy was also interested and thinking there was a chance for a 4-some). So that in mind and knowing that they go to the same club you do and you will have to see them again socially. Your best bet is to go ahead and have dinner with them, get to know them better and hopefully make some friends. Just be honest with them and let them know you aren't interested in swinging with them at this point before they continue to think something more will come out of this. If at that point THEY choose to break off contact, it's on them and not on you.

Julie http://www.swingersboard.com

It's very simple. If BOTH of you do not agree on BOTH of them, then you just don't do anything sexual with them. That's it. To do anything else opens the door for problems later on.

CyberHusband

Meantime, to avoid anymore confusion in the future...This is what works for "us"...

Up front, we let others know that we're looking for "Friendship" 1ST! This way, no one feels "obligated" when we finally meet in person. The atmosphere between everyone is usually a lot more calmer, then having to think of each other as "sexual playmates"....Well, that cums later. *LOL*

Before departing from our meeting, we let them know, that we'll go home and both discuss how we felt about them, and we'll get back to them one way or another. This has always worked for all involved, so far! This way, everyone feels much more comfortable discussing the "date" in the privacy of their own home.

Meantime, friendly get togethers are fine too. And this way, you get to know each other better, and as "Friends" 1ST (if that's what you're both into too).

As for what Hubby said, that is one of our UNchangable rules...We play TOGETHER! We come as ONE package, you take one, you're taking BOTH! *LOL*

We BOTH have to agree on BOTH partners of the other couple, if we even consider having any "sexual" relationship with them. Other than that, "just friends" is fine too. It's a Win-WIN situation for all of us!


CyberWife

[CoupleinCanada]

Thanks for the advice, everyone.

Re-reading our original post, I didn't make it clear that we had not already made a dinner date with this other couple. They asked, and we happened to be busy, so it was left that we'd just see each other at the next club party.

That being said, everyone's advice was pretty much in line with what we thought. Some of the reading that we'd done prior to getting involved led us to think that most (though certainly not all) couples swing together and that it's not OK to try to split one partner away when approached by two partners. We both agree wholeheartedly with this concept, by the way - we'd want the same courtesy applied to us. We're just trying very hard to fit in and not make any blatant newbie mistakes, so we wanted to be sure we were on the right track.

Thanks again for the advice!

[CuteCouple]

ooops too late but anyway...

I always say that honesty is the best policy and there is no way that you can avoid the inevitable. Go out for the dinner, have fun, and see what happens. Don't lead the couple on. Find out what they are interested in and tell them what's on your mind. If what they want doesn't go with your desires you're gonna have to fess up. Whether or not you are just new to the club an honest, sincere "sorry, we're not interested" will be better than an avoidant brush off or a lengthy lead on.

I know that being honest, especially when attraction is concerned, is very difficult but if you are going to keep attending the club you need to tell the truth.

As the others mentioned, I don't think it would be wise to attempt to be with only the woman as this may create bad blood and hurt feelings. Nobody needs that.

I'm sure there are many other couples out there that you both can agree on so that the experience is pleasurefull for everyone. In addition, don't give out your number unless you are certain that you are both attracted to the other couple or that you have discussed alternative arangements. This way, you can avoid a similar future situation.

Practice makes perfect

[This message has been edited by CuteCouple (edited 07-31-2001).]

[LIZA]

Oh, just take one for the team!

If the husband isn't repulsive, just not handsome, but he's clean and reasonable together..........why not? Sometimes the less than gorgeous people make up for it in other skill!
Do you only have to be with people who are physically appealing right off? Sometimes people who start off seeming less than cute end up being REALLY attractive, once you get to know them

[CoupleinCanada]

Liza, you make an excellent point - one that is not lost on us.

We don't judge books by their covers, but in this case, the couple in question was moving things forward rather quickly, given that we'd known them less than a week and that we'd only talked for 2 or 3 hours total. We did not have a chance to find out this fellow's good points!

A brief update: We chatted with them yesterday and explained how we felt - happy to be friends but not interested in anything more. Hopefully we can continue to enjoy each other's company at parties in the future.

[Mike and Jan]

I remember someone posting on one of the boards in the past something like "there are a lot of mis-matched couples". Seems to fit here as well. That's probably one of the real attractions to a threesome. One couple had an ad that said they were looking for two singles. Hey, not a bad idea and if the two singles met, and eventually married, they'd be a perfect couple for the first couple. And..., I've noticed that more than one of the really happy couples on this board met in some swinger's environment too. Julie..., new column in the ads section perhaps? Single swingers looking for swinging spouse! LOL! But maybe not a bad idea. Mike

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[JustAskJulie]

Originally posted by Mike and Jan:
Julie..., new column in the ads section perhaps? Single swingers looking for swinging spouse! LOL! But maybe not a bad idea. Mike

Actually it's probably not, hell if you look at the ads for singles in the personal ads area a good chunk of them are just that (mostly from guys) looking for swinger partners or LTR's with someone who will swing.

Julie http://www.swingersboard.com