One Sided Swinging...

[incommunicado]

I've seena lot of posts recently from couples who's rules allow one member to have sex with others, while precluding the other member from doing the same. The common reason stated, was acknowledged jealousy/insecurity on the part of the wife/girlfriend (though it could easily go the other way).

What is the groups take on this? Is this a healthy approach to swinging? Is it fair?

Me, I don't buy it. I think we all have an inate need for fairness and balance and I think drawing a line in the sand and saying "I can do this because it doesn't bother you, but you can't because it bothers me," goes against that inate human need for equal exchange. With the exception of "girl-girl only", encounters (because they seem to be an accepted norm), I think couples who swing should be prepared for some kind of even exchange. If she gets hers, he should be allowed to get his and vice-vera.

Does this make sense? Am I being politically incorrect by raising the subject?

[JustAskJulie]

Haha, there's no such thing as political correctness on this board. I think it's a great topic to be raised and I agree with you.

It's one thing when both partners have the option to be with others but perhaps one partner chooses not to or has no desire to. There are many couples that I know of where the guy is really into seeing his wife with other guys and/or girls and rarely if ever gets involved in the fun himself. He's just more into watching. And that's cool, he still has the option to join if he wants to.

But when it's a matter of insecurities or jealousy that is keeping him (or her) from being able to be involved it's another story. Swinging is no place for insecurities.

[BachMk]

I agree with Julie, I could understand just liking your partner to enjoy themselves without your participation or your passive participation, but any jealousy will hurt the relationship greatly

[incommunicado]

Glad I'm not the only one who sees this. I certainly understand and sympathize with jealousy/insecurity. But, swinging, to me, is about sharing and trust, which is not exhibited in one sided arrangements. And, to form one of these doomed arrangements and then write in that he/she cheated because they broke "the rules" is just silly.

[Peter & Tanya]

one example of this sort might be me. i allow my girlfriend to have sex with others if she wants and we don't really have many boundaries. the first point is that i wish my girlfriend to enjoy sex the best it could be. second, it really turns me on to watch and hear about her having sex with others. i may feel left out sometime, but that's another topic.

[incommunicado]

"one example of this sort might be me. i allow my girlfriend to have sex with others if she wants and we don't really have many boundaries. the first point is that i wish my girlfriend to enjoy sex the best it could be. second, it really turns me on to watch and hear about her having sex with others. i may feel left out sometime, but that's another topic. "

And that's exactly what I'm talking about Peter. It's NOT another topic. It's THIS topic. It's NOT about the pleasure you get watching her... I like to watch my wife have sex too. Pretty much all full-swingers do. It's that YOU are NOT allowed to have a similar experience.

I am going to go out on a limb and suggest that this type of situation is common among MEN who WANT to swing, BUT will settle for watching, and WOMEN who DON'T want to swing, BUT like having permission to have sex with other men, free and clear.

Even if this is technically swinging because of the non-monogomous sex, it is not in the spirit of the lifestyle as we have come to understand it.

[Peter & Tanya]

that's quite true indeed. specifically, i doubt if what we do fits well into the catogory of swining. open relationship may be a better term.

my gf were into multiple partners well before she became my gf. her ex-bf couldn't really bear to see her have sex with others. but that turns out to be a pleasure for me. she truly loves me and she's equally into promuscuity. our relationship can go on provided i allow for her freedom. i set few boundaries: only safe sex and no pregnancy. and she's thankful for that.

the only thing i may be jealous about is the penis size. it may be a shame for me to watch her have sex with someone with a gigantic size. she tries to talk me through it but i'm still concisous. besides, everything is fine.

provided both of us are happy, there's nothing to worry about. whether its called swinging or not, isn't it?

[incommunicado]

It's really less the term "swinging" than the core meaning.

This is a learning experience for me, so your indulgence please...

Your GF came to your relationship, maintaining a practice of multiple partners with one primary BF. As I understand what you wrote, other BFs tried but couldn't handle her lifestyle but you, can/have learned to, with understandable insecurities about penis size (we all have those). Am I up to speed so far?

At some point in her life, she decided this was right for her and others would have to accept it if they wanted to be with her.

What if you told her that you love her, that you have enjoyed sharing her experiences with her, that you have come to understand why she does what she does, and now share her need for more openness, on YOUR side. Tell her you hope she understands that you would like to involve other women in your play.

What do you think she would say?

Just curious.

[incommunicado]

I re-read your original post where you said you really don't have any boundaries. I think that answers my previous, long winded question. Sorry.

[sccple29073]

quote:

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Originally posted by incommunicado:
[QB]
Me, I don't buy it. I think we all have an inate need for fairness and balance and I think drawing a line in the sand and saying "I can do this because it doesn't bother you, but you can't because it bothers me," goes against that inate human need for equal exchange. With the exception of "girl-girl only", encounters (because they seem to be an accepted norm), I think couples who swing should be prepared for some kind of even exchange. If she gets hers, he should be allowed to get his and vice-vera.
QB]

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I have to agree with you on this one. My first few bi experiances were just f/f, but gradually my hubby joined.(which is a turn on for me) However, he was uncomfortable with me being with another man. Now keep in mind that I am not interested in swinging to get to sleep with other men, but to add to our sex life. (the experiences we have had so far has made our sex life better and has improved our communication with each other)
However, I did eventually start to feel like it was a little one sided and yes i'll admit I felt he was being "unfair". We talked about it and decided for the time being, it would strictly be girl/girl.
Now 6 months later we are going to our first swing party, this saturday (His idea)

[incommunicado]

"I have to agree with you on this one. My first few bi experiances were just f/f, but gradually my hubby joined.(which is a turn on for me) However, he was uncomfortable with me being with another man. Now keep in mind that I am not interested in swinging to get to sleep with other men, but to add to our sex life. (the experiences we have had so far has made our sex life better and has improved our communication with each other)"

First... thanks. I reallize I have stepped into a dangerous area. It's good to know that someone else agrees with me. BUT, you also raised a VERY interesting parallel topic...

[incommunicado]

Now 6 months later we are going to our first swing party, this saturday (His idea) [/QUOTE]

Good luck, by the way. Let us know how it works out!

When we first started out swinging I had a feeling of being "Left Out" but it wasnt because Mrs naughty would not let me participate but because I liked to watch her get pleasured by another man.


Before our first "experience " all of our bedroom sex talk was about her with another man, never me with another woman. But after a couple of experiences I talked to her about how I felt kind of left out. But I enjoyed the shit out of watching.

So I asked her if she could handle me being with another woman and she siad she would not mind.

So we decided to start doing the couples thing. I do not feel left out anymore. But even though I am with another woman while she is with another man I spend a lot of my time still watching her while I am with the other woman because that is the part I like best.

Sound weird?

[SexhoundDog]

Doesn't sound weird at all to me. Although you are certainly allowed to have pleasure for yourself, I think your attitude about enjoying the hell out of watching Mrs. Naughty is right on the mark, and that's why you're true swinger material! I've gotta believe that's also one of Mrs. Naughty's big kicks as well, to see how much fun you're having.

It would be fun to be able to videocam all 4 participants at the same time, just to see how much time they're spending watching their own mates. I'd bet that if you've got 2 true swinger couples with the right attitude, you'd see 4 sets of eyes constantly sneaking a peek at their own lovers.

That brings to mind an interesting question. Do any of you ladies feel left out if you're with another guy and he keeps checking out his wife's being pleasured? Or is it something you do as well and therefore totally expect?

[good times]

For us, we either both play or neither one of us does. We have run across people that only one of them plays but that seems weird to us so we don't go there. Mrs. occasionally gets aproached by single males at the club but she just politely declines. This is a great thread because I was beginning to think that I was the only one that didn't get this.