He thinks I'm being selfish, I'm just not sure what I want.

[jennandjamesinm]

Hi ya'll - I have a situation that I have and I know that if anyone you guys will be honest with me. We haven't swung yet with anyone - we just can't find a couple that we BOTH click with. But that's not the problem - we got to talking about fulfilling each of our fantasies, MFM and FMF. WE thought that we could keep looking for a couple, but look for singles to help us out with the other fantasy. James thought that we could each look for the single and the other would have final approval (i.e. I look for James' chick and he looks for my guy). James jumped on in and started to look for a male, and I was a little slow on the uptake. I was ok with that, but feel like I am really not ready for the FMF. I guess because I don't know whether to look for a bi-fem or a straight one - I don't know what I am yet LOL and feel like I need time to figure that out - maybe by possibly playing with another couple and seeing what happens. James feels like I am being selfish and that I will never want the FMF and only want my fantasy satisified. I never said that - never got a chance to say anything. Surrender I know that I will fulfill his fantasy, but just not now. Am I being selfish for wanting to continue on the course for my fantasy, but putting his on hold? I just don't feel that I should have to pay him back for having my fantasy fulfilled. I feel like its well I'm giving you yours, so you should give me mine, and in a way I can see where that is fair, but I also feel like I am being backed into a corner. I know that the key to any situation is communication, and we are doing that....but we are at a point where we thought we'[d bring it to ya'll for your point of view. Kind of a new set of ears (eyes) to give us some more ideas on what to do. All thoughts are appreciated, ya'll know me, I'd rather have it straight. Thanks Guys!!!

Jenn

[jennandjamesinm]

Hey guys, I dont post very often but Jenn was wanting me to tell my side of the situation. We are happy with the speed at which we are moving in the lifestyle, we are very open and have a lot of communication about what we do. We started discussing our fantasies of having a threesome. Jenn with an additional male and me with an additional female. Jenn was all excited and we said that we would look at different ads and pick canidates for each others final approval. We have discussed this before and I thought we were both all for the idea. I took the initiative and found a few choices and with Jenn's approval sent some intrductory e mails. She was very much excited about the responses. I asked her if she had made any progress and she said that she had not even looked and did not feel that she would. This is what bothered me. I still want to find the other man for her, to fulfill her fantasy. I guess my problem was that I felt she was being selfish and uncaring about mine. We discussed the situation some more and I know she is unsure about being bi or bi curious and she know that decision is up to her completely. I feel I have not applied any pressure but feel that if I put forth the effort she should also as we had discussed before. I told her maybe it would be best if we just looked for couples first and when I said that she seemed to get angry with me for not following through with her fantasy... so we are just wanting advice on how to handle the situation. Has anyone else been through the same thing? Just write this one up in the " newbies needing advice" column.
James

[Alura]

Well, we think y'all would do well to find a couple and take turns for the MFM and FMF. (Just think of the combinations! ) It's worked well for us and, believe me, the realization of the fantasy was great! Plus, we knew we could trust the people involved. We'd been playing with them for years.

Alura

[HotMoCpl]

No, you are not wrong. I talked to my wife a number of times over the years about swinging and she is adament about not having sexual contact of any sort with another woman. What can I say? There goes MY fantasy of having her and another woman both DOING me. LMAO! Still working with her on the idea about me and one or two other guys DOING her. Still LMAO!!!

[FlaPlaya561]

Atleast you both are communicating about it. When me and debbie first were interested in swinging with others she bundled it all up inside and i couldnt get her to spit it out. Well after it all worked out she started swallowing it LOL. No rush no pressure is my motto. Even tho im single now thats the way i am....

[playmatesinpgh]

As all of have said many, many times, it is all about communication, communication, and more communication. Everything thing else will follow as it should. And it sounds like the two of you are communicating just fine. Just keep talking and this problem will take care of itself.

Now, in so far as the threesome fantasy goes, like you guys, Mrs. Playmate and I had issues also. We decided that, if it was going to happen, we would let it happen naturally with another couple or group. And that is exactly how our first MFM and FMF came about. It was at a club and we were with five other couples and one single female. That evening both of our fantisies were fullfilled and Mrs. Playmate found out she is socially bi. It was a great evening and now we have no problems with MFMs or FMFs.

[txduo2000]

I don't necessarily think you are "wrong", per se ... but I am one of those that believes turnabout is fair play. If you had initially agreed to finding singles, then have not made any initiative, then there are reasons for your hesitation and you do need to discuss these with your hubby, like you say you are, so he doesn't feel as though his fantasies/needs are being brushed casually aside.

I am not bi ... and I *LOVE* the MFM threesomes!!!! LOVE THEM!!! I am inherently a kind of selfish person, and I would be perfectly happy doing MFMs all the time! :rollseyes I KNOW how hard it is to find a couple that you both click with. I had all but given up on the success factor of that particular endeavor, and was just going to try to "build" my own couple (lol) - a single male and a single female who we both liked and could play with together. Problem - my husband and I do not have the same taste in women and he doesn't like the ones I pick for him. Another problem is that since I am not bi, and since he wants me to be, when I do a FMF I want it to be all about HIM ... he wants it to be all about ME (just like the MFM) ... I say, if it's going to be all about ME, let me have it MY way and give me the man!!!! lol

Anyway, I digress .... If you aren't sure if you are bi, but you are wanting to explore that side of your sexuality, I believe a single bi-CURIOUS female would be the best option at this point. If you are still very unsure if you even want to try bi activity, a single bi-CURIOUS female is STILL the best option ... because you can communicate with the girl and let her know that you want to take it slow ... if she is just curious, and if you get the right one, she will probably be very understanding and will be happy to do the FMF in a way that centers around your hubby to start out and you can each determine your comfort levels. And take it from me, it is a lot harder to find a straight girl than a bi/bi-curious girl!

I think by enjoining only a third in your experimental stage, rather than a couple, there is one less person to worry about and the three of you can go at your own pace. Then you can fulfill your husband's fantasy AND determine your comfort level and go from there.

[couple_ps]

Hi there,

I would personally look for a couple instead of just a single guy or a single girl. It's very easy to find a single guy whereas finding a single lady is tougher.

If you both decided you want to try FMF and MFM, then "this can be done with a couple." like someone pointed out. I have always look for couples mainly because my way of thinking is "You can have all the combinations a 3some can offer when you play with a couple." My dad always says, "you can put everything from a small container into a big one but not the other way around."

Besides, if you go ahead with MFM and are not able to do the FMF, one of you will not be completely happy.

[graygo98]

No, you are not wrong. But neither is James. I am not sure that as a couple, though, you are really ready to move forward with anything right now.

Men can be pretty linear and task oriented.... at least until it comes to tasks like taking out the garbage or making the bed, I suppose. This isn't another weekend project, though, with checklists and timelines. Its about human emotions, feelings and couple dynamics. Way more complicated than building a garage, or even a space shuttle. And it doesn't matter what one or the other agreed to weeks, days or even moments ago. As you move from pure fantasy toward "this is really happening" your perspective will change. Its completely fair ball to say "Whoa.... l'm not sure I am ready for this."

Why don't you go to an off premisese club? Meet some people, dance a bit, have some fun? The dance floor can be pretty unthreatening place for you to take the first step toward finding out if you have any bi interest. But in any case, slow down and just do what you are comfortable with. That's what is important, not who said what when.

[EvilMJ]

Hey Jenn,

Let me give you the bi-female perspective on this . You are scared about taking a step into something that you are completely unsure of. Hey, who wouldn't be! It's completely okay to be.

I think your best route is to find a couple with a bi-curious female (or bi-sexual) and go from there. That way if you are finding that this is just not for you, you can always switch to one of the men and there are no hard feelings. Just be upfront with everyone about what you want or think you want.

Baby steps guys. If you are with a single woman ,you are committed and it could end badly, it's like ordering a keg without ever knowing you like beer.


James - you are justified in your feelings, but this is not one of those clear cut situations where one person is right and one person is wrong. Just remember that this is a very hard thing that your wife is trying to work through. Don't get impatient with her, because remember, no one is asking you to participate in sex with another man.

Good luck to you both. I already know you are great at communicating and love each other very much so I have no doubt you are going to work through this fine.

[ItTakes3]

Our first experience was a FMF. My wife arranged it and it was great for all concerned. However, I quickly learned that it's extremely difficult for one man to perform adequately for two women and if the bi aspect isn't there, things can end rather quickly. Been there, done that and while we would do it again, we are not actively seeking such a situation.

Our next experience was MFM and it was fantastic. Nature constructed our bodies to easily adapt to this combination, even without any interaction between the men. We were able to continue play for several hours to the complete satisfaction of all involved. Since then, we have done several more MFM and agree that it's the most enjoyable way to play.

We have not done a couples thing yet, mostly because it's so difficult to find mutual attraction when 4 people are involved. However, she has expressed an interest in adding another man to the mix. If we can find 2 guys that are compatible and interested, we will try that combination. She believes she is up to the task...she says, with a smile.

[FlaPlaya561]

Great posts everyone, I love to read what turns people on and off

[RNDNV]

First of all Jenn, you are not wrong. Second of all James, in our humble opinion, you need to reevaluate and course correct. You are not wrong, and how you feel is perfectly understandable (for the man, that is), but there is a pending lession you need to get about the Lifestyle, and we will lay it out for you here, but frankly it is something you are going to best learn "experientially." Jenn, listen up as well because you need to understand this too.

IT'S ALL ABOUT HER, AND WHAT SHE WANTS.

Listen guys, at the end of the day the Lifestyle is a "woman driven" environment, and Jenn needs to honor her feelings, and you (James) need to go with that and follow her lead. If she's not up for an FMF (at least at this time), then don't push it. If she wants an MFM first (or formost, or only, etc.) then that's what she gets. This game is NOT about quid pro quo, or fair trades, or if she gets this then I get that, so you might as well save yourselves some grief and arguments in the future and get that now. As long as neither of you "take one for the team" you guys won't have resentments build that need communication to the endth degree. Trust us James, just by the fact that you are a man you are way ahead in the game called "sexual non-monagamy" emotionally that is, than Jenn is. She needs to find her place in that game, and when she does, if she embraces it with the enthusiam and joy that most women do once they get into for awhile, you will then just need to hang on for the ride boy, cause then she'll take you places you never thought you would go. BE PATIENT, with her and yourself.

We agree with graygo and playmates above, in that what you guys are going to experience needs to come about NATURALLY. Be patient with yourselves. This is a game, BEST PLAYED, when it comes about naturally and spontaneously when the feelings and vibes are right. It is okay to put yourself in the space for play (ie: on and off premises clubs, house parties, conventions or what not), but try to resist (ESPECIALLY YOU JAMES) any "attachments" that anything is going to happen OR, any "agendas" to make something happen. It is all about vibes and energy and good feelings and ultimately getting horny (that is, her getting horny... ).

Best wishes,
Love RND

[Vespertine]

Right on, RNDNV.

[jennandjamesinm]

Thank you everyone for your responses - This is what we were looking for, different prespectives on our situation. We have both read the responses and talked about them. It seems like once you get to a place where you are ready to jump into the pool, you look up and see that oops, the pool needs to be filtered again - in other words, just when you think is all huncky dory, something else comes up that needs to be addressed. I think what helped us also was each of us writing "our side" so to speak, when we read what the other wrote, we were like "oh thats what you meant" or "I didn't mean what I said in that way." It wasnt meant to be he said she said, but we had come to a crossroads in our talking and needed fresh prespectives - which we got from ya'll. Thank you.

Having said that - we've decided to continue on our course of looking for couples. Be more spontaneous too - having to methodically plan everything takes the fun out of it. We go to an off-premises club here, and have been to a couple socials also, and have talked to plenty of couples. We have shelved the looking for singles - I think Mr. Alura put it best when he said

Well, we think y'all would do well to find a couple and take turns for the MFM and FMF. (Just think of the combinations! )

I think that this way I can safely explore my sexuality, whether it be bi, situtationally bi or just straight as an arrow lol. And both can have a HECK of a good time at that!!!
That way I can avoid EvilMJ's description - love the way you put it girl!!!

Baby steps guys. If you are with a single woman ,you are committed and it could end badly, it's like ordering a keg without ever knowing you like beer.

Like RNDNV said

you will then just need to hang on for the ride boy, cause then she'll take you places you never thought you would go. BE PATIENT, with her and yourself.

Oh yeah - and we can't wait for that to happen - and it will too, now that we are back on the same page.

We just needed to step back and re-group. WE are good at communicating - but there is always room for improvement.

As long as neither of you "take one for the team" you guys won't have resentments build that need communication to the endth degree.

All I can sat to that is AMEN!!! LIke playmatesinpgh said

Just keep talking and this problem will take care of itself.

You guys were right - it does take care of itself. And we're rarin' to go!!!

Thanks again ya'll!!!!

Jenn