I want to have sex with others but can't handle watching him do it

I'm not sure if this is the right place, but I'd like some advice. Hubby and I are new to the whole swinging thing. It has been mostly his idea but I've tried it because I know how important it is to him. So far we've just been in situations where he has watched me because I'm not comfortable with him being with other women. It seems now that he wants to be a little more "involved".

The problem is that I think seeing other women doing things to him would be a major turnoff but I'd like him to be a part of things too....

Any ideas?

Thanks

Newbies trying to make the rules

[jeff n nikki]

sounds kinda selfish. YOU ARE AFRAID THAT SHE WILL BE BETTER THAN YOU.
so what if she is?(probably wont be, as good sex comes from comfortability. and are you not the most comfy with your spouse?). it is a brief moment in time were 2 people shared a amazing experiance(we hope!!). will it affect his love for you? or you for him? men seperate sex and love better than women do.....so i wouldnt worry about that. ive been in love many times........none came from a good f$@k. relax,figure out why it would turn you off. look at it from a diff. point of view. what negative result could come from him being with another female? ask your self that...see if you can find a rational conclusion to your opposition. you might change your mind.

[DBL D]

Hey...You are still new to the swinging thing.

1st of all, you are unregistered so it's hard to take you seriously. But hey, I'm the gullible type.

I never have understood this "I'm not comfortable with him being with other women" thing. What is your point exactly? Swinging is about couple(s) being with another couple(s). I might allow for the stretch of and FMF or MFM within the confines of the couple/couple combination. But this! "You have to sit there, Hubby, and watch me" crap. Get over it. Don't you WANT him to be as free as YOU are? Surrender

If you are jealous of another womans attention towards him, you'll never make it as swingers. (IMHO)

What up wid dat? (or dis?) (Or da udder?)

Male D

[Spoomonkey]

Whoa...

Come on guys - let's give this lady the benefit of the doubt. It isn't totally uncommon for one spouse or the other to be uncomfortable with their SO getting jiggy with it... When we started playing, I was very turned on by the idea of Mrs Spoomonkey playing with others - but she was not so comfortable with the idea of me playing. It was a hurdle we had to jump over. A lot of conversation and patience on both of our parts was neccessary for us to get over it.

Or - it could be that the husband really gets off on just watching. This whole set up may be exactly what they are looking for. The lifestyle is exactly what the individual couple wants it to be. Heck, I see "we are only looking for single women" all over the internet.

As an unregistered user, it is hard to know if you are going to come back and read these responses - or even if you are serious - but for the sake of those who are in your situation - talk to your husband; find out what he is wanting from the lifestyle. If he wants to play with a woman, then you need to decide if you can handle it. If you can't, tell him. The lifestyle isn't for everyone.

But - then you will need to discuss whether or not it is really right for you guys to continue playing with single men. We play across the whole spectrum, but single guys can be a great experience. I get a real charge out of Mrs Spoo being the center of attention. I could survive just fine in the lifestyle if this was all that she could handle - because I still get to play with my dream girl

Decide what the two of you want - if it is something obtainable, go for it. If it isn't, back slowly away... But, you may just surprise yourself - as my wife did - and actually enjoy watching your husband with another woman...

Spoomonkey

[20ishCouple]

I think I'd have to agree with Spoo on this one.....There are all different types of comfort levels.....I can relate to the uncomfortableness. I have been there, however, my hubby is very satisfied watching, sharing me, and with only a single guy involved. I have said it before on here, and I'll say it again....RIGHT NOW.....I'm not completely 100% comfortable sharing my guy with just anyone...but if the right couple came along, then sure why not....but for now, just taking it one step at a time. Although it may sound selfish to say that you don't want your other half messing around with another girl, it's not always the case. Sometimes you need to look within yourself, How do you feel about YOU? Sometimes being insecure about how you see yourself is the reason some women are uncomfortable with sharing. Which is the problem that I am facing. I am overcoming that obstacle, because I really like the swinging lifestyle...But its a slow process. Your Hubby obviously loves you....why else would he be with you? Try not to be afraid, free your mind, and be open. Maybe you should just give it a try, maybe not let him join in completely, but just a lil at first, until you become more comfortable. You should come up with a signal, that way if you start to feel uncomfortable with it, you can give your hubby the signal, and he'll no to back off a lil bit without being rude or disrespectful. Anyway. I hope this helps a lil bit. If you come back to read it and have any questions, feel free to message me. And if you don't. well then maybe this will help someone else out in the future. ~ Always ~ 20ishCouple

[Vespertine]

Great post, 20ishCouple!

Everyone has their own level of comfort, and when you're just starting out it is very common to have doubts and a little insecurity. I'm sure as you become more exposed to the lifestyle, you'll become more comfortable with letting your husband explore different options. I think what 20ishCouple suggested is an excellent idea.

[dave110256]

Let's get this straight. You enjoy swinging with other men but don't want your husband to be with other women? Doesn't sound like swinging to me. Sounds like one person setting all the ground rules and has her cake and eats it too. I hope that isn't too harsh but I wouldn't want my wife to watch me with another woman while I wouldn't let her enjoy herself also. Most of what turns me on about swinging is having my wife receive enjoyment and pleasure while I watch.

[Dr Jekyll]

I agree... Take it slowly... Only do what you are comfortable with, but you have to push the limits a little each time. Else you'll never progress to that place where you may feel comfortable with him and another woman...

As long as your husband is comfortable with sharing you while he's not getting any, there is nothing wrong with it. Others will not understand your position as well as you do, and can be very negative about it. The only people who knows if it's wrong or right are you two...

Good luck

[ALilOEverything]

I ran across a similiar scenario at a club. The woman came to me and asked me what we were into. Well she explained that I could be with her and her husband but my husband could only watch or only touch me. Her husband doesn't want her with other men and they just seek out those who will respect that. They must make it work well for them because they are frequenly at the club and haven't given up. For us we want the experience to be more equal. I would feel guilty if my husband could only watch and be left out if he didn't want to. I agree with Spoomonkey, you're still new swingers and through comminication you can either work through what bothers you about it or find what works for you.

[20ishCouple]

Well, we have been with another couple, and they were very close to me, a lot of trust between the four of us. She wanted to see her husband have sex with me, and my guy was all for it, but my guy didn't want to have sex with her....And of course....I was just fine with that too. She touched him a couple times, which at first made me a lil uncomfortable, and he touched her a couple times, but I just went with the flow of things....and everything worked out well. Sometimes, what one person may consider "swinging" another person doesn't, and thats just fine. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and I think this topic, will bring a lot of opinions out. My guy is more of a watcher, he thinks it awesome watching me be pleasured by another man, he says he gets to watch my facial expressions, and all the lil things I do, things that he sometimes doesn't notice when he is involved. But I often do feel guilty because I WANT him to experience another woman, but am not completely comfortable with it. I think that if you aren't completely comfortable with something and do it anyway, it will only make things worse. So we just take it slow, inch our way into things. It's just what works for us. Hopefully, someday we will meet the right couple, that want to be friends outside the bedroom, who aren't pushy, so that we can enjoy a full swing....but right now, we are having a hard time finding that. So right now we are just doing what we know we are 100% comfortable with.

[SexhoundDog]

I totally agree with Spoo, who thinks his points out well and is also a very eloquent monkey, as well as 20ish couple. Others are offering their opinions, which is what this board is all about , but the first question here is "who initiated the swing experience?" If it was hubby who wanted to have you play, then he shouldn't necessarily feel it will be reciprocal on your part to let him play. It would have probably been good if you'd have had this conversation first, letting him know that you'd be OK having a man but not so keen on the idea of him having a woman. If that stopped it dead in its track, so be it.
As I've also noticed, there are many more ads looking for a single female and it doesn't mention the wife being bi. I have to wonder if these women are just tagging along for husband's wishes, but it does seem a bit of a double standard in those cases to me. I read and hear more instances where the guy thinks he can play, but doesn't want the little lady too. So I'm a little surprised to see a few of you calling Unregistered a bit selfish. None of us were there, so none of us know what discussions they've had.
However, my advice is definitely to step back and thoroughly discuss this with hubby. As it could become an issue, you may have to be prepared to step back and give up having guys or he probably will toss it right back at you on the fairness issue of him not having women. But, if he was using you as bait and letting you have other guys so he could have other women, he didn't do it right either. But either way, you'd best stop until you've got it cleared up.

[confunktion]

Funny how a vast majority of these threads come down to communication. Good points have been made by all so far. It all comes down to this: Talk to each other. Each of you have a hand in making the rules and stick with them. Then, after the experience, if the bar moves in one direction or another, great. Then reassess and make a new set of guidelines based on your comfort level. And so on, and so on...

Believe it, if both of you have a good time within the guidelines, the experience will be well worth it.

Mr. Funk

[jcbicouple]

We agree with Spoo! My goodness, if people reacted this way when a couple said they only play with single women: The cost would probably go up for single women at the swing clubs, wouldn't it?
You need to do whatever you're comfortable with! There are many couples who only play with women, or only play with men, or only couples, only bi, only straight, only oral, only female/female play, etc........we could go on and on! Swinging is what is right for you and your hubby, not what is right for anyone else (other than the people you are having sex with, of course). Jealousy, and insecurities are normal human emotions that most of us have at some point in time whether you swing or not. Just read through the board some more, and you'll find that even long term swingers run into those issues from time to time. Move at you and your husbands pace, with the slowest one in the lead. Someday, you may be comfortable with more, but let it come naturally through lots of discussion between the two of you.

[akamgaxoxo]

And this is the reason why I love this board sooo much. If you look around you see such diversity in the posts here, it is amazing. But that is what I love about being in this lifestyle.....some people are only for couples, others single males, and some single females.

My hubby and I started out just adding a single male friend to the mix, and we still do to this day. We love that arrangement, it works best for us, and I have not pressured him to decide to be with another woman. Because for him, I am also his "dream girl" and in the end he gets to be with me, and that is all he really wants.

My suggestion is to talk and talk to your SO and decide what is best for you....I see nothing wrong with taking things slowly...maybe even taking one baby step at a time so you can get used to the idea of him being with another woman. It might help you if this other woman is a friend or a swinger "girlfriend" for you....it may eliminate some of the fear that she would take him away from you. (IF that is an issue at all).

Best of luck to you and keep talking, this IS the key to your success!

ok, thank GOD for Spoomonkey.

I was all set to GO OFF on the first couple of replies until he set it all straight.

Good for you to be willing enough to even TRY swinging. How many husbands get on this board & gripe that their wives won't even think of it, so they are on their own(cheating) or trying to figure out how to 'convince' them?

Take it at your pace. I will admit when this all came about for us, I was less than thrilled at the thought of Mr Naughty going at it with some other chick. It had NOTHING to do with "SHE MIGHT BE BETTER THAN ME". It had to do with many other emotional issues that are pounded into women their whole lives.


As we got a little experience & met some compatible people(finally) it really is no big deal anymore.

I'd say that you are the slowest person so everyone should be at your comfort level.