"Taking one for the Team"?

[ophelia]

Thank you all in advance as I have been trying to deal with these issues alone and now I know where to go.

My husband is absolutely the most perfect mate for me on this planet. We think alike, finish sentences, and even understand a look from across the room. If two pople were ever soul-mates, it would be us.

Only one issue keeps us from complete, mutual understanding: Swinging.

He had a former girlfriend who introduced him to the lifestyle and his girlfriends since have joined the lifestyle with him. I have known about his attraction to swinging since the beginning and I honestly thought it would be something I could handle.

He discusses the subject in spurts; there are times he wants to play and times he is happy to just be home. He has finally told me he is ready to play. He knows I will do anything he asks, so we had made plans for a party this coming Saturday. I can't stop crying. I do not even begin to want anyone else and I am hurt that he does. Since he has experience here, he cacnelled our plans to attend since it is not a good idea to take one for the team. It hurts feelings all the way around.

So, here I am, wanting to make my husband happy (he was like a kid on Christmas Eve when he thought we were going) and I can't because the idea of anyone else touching me just doesn't turn me on and the thought of seeing him with another womn cuts the heart.

He already has me going to a therapist to work on jealousy issues so that won't be a problem, but what else can I do? Can I do anything to hurry this process along? He deserves my very best effort; I just don't know how to start.

[good times]

Swinging is defenitely not for everybody Ophelia. It sounds to me like you have a bunch of issues to get through before you should even think about swinging. Swinging only works when everybody involved is of like minds and on the same page, so to speak. If one person is not into it then it would be obvious to anyone you hook up with. Remember, a couple should always progress at the speed of the slowest person. In your case I don't think it would be possible for you to "take one for the team" without causing serious damage to your relationship.

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally Posted by ophelia

He already has me going to a therapist to work on jealousy issues so that won't be a problem, but what else can I do? Can I do anything to hurry this process along? He deserves my very best effort; I just don't know how to start.

Whoa! Now what is this about, ophelia? He has you going to a therapist to work on jealousy issues so that won't be a problem? A problem with what? With swinging? Other than this thing with swinging, are you unreasonably jealous?

Good Times is right - swinging isn't for everyone. Beyond that, tho', it is really concerning to me that this is something you feel you can't do yet you are the one going to a therapist. What about him? Is he going to therapy with you? If you are going to therapy to deal with jealousy issues related to swinging, it would be my suggestion he go with you to deal with his issues of trying to make you do things you are not comfortable with. Most any couple on this board will tell you the thing about moving as fast as the slowest partner and that's all well and fine. But this therapy thing has me shaking my head.

Please come back with more details. Hopefully, I've got this totally wrong.

- EBF

[fun_pairTX]

Ophelia,

Don't ever consider taking one for the team. It is a MAJOR mistake. Swinging isn't for everyone, it may not be for you. Getting rid of jealousy issues may not be a bad idea, but that doesn't mean you are ready to share either. Follow your head and your gut.

[ophelia]

Wow, some answers already?

Thank you.

He is understanding of the lowest partner theory; the pressure to hurry is more self-induced than not. I feel like he is missing something important to him and I am standing in the way.

The therapy is his idea. He says I need to work on jealousy anyway. Of course, I don't see myself as a raging jealous lunatic, but he is not the first to notice a jealous streak in me, so something must be there. He says it would be a good issue to work on anyway.

He also suggest I work on my own self-esteem as my jealousy may spring from a fear of losing him. He has a point. I certainly see my husband as a 10 with myself as a solid 6 1/2. He tells me ll the time I could never lose him and he loves me to pieces, but I still have a small voice in my head wondering why????? I have bout 15-20 more baby pounds to lose, but otherwise, I am pretty darn cute...I just don't remember that all the time when compared to him.

Yep, I know, I have him on a pedestal.......

[biblonde]

He already has me going to a therapist to work on jealousy issues so that won't be a problem, but what else can I do?

This statement really bothers me. First off therapy wont work unless you are doing it for YOU not him.
I agree with the others swining isnt for everyone. You should never ever do it unless you are doing it for you! Not to please him. If you arent sure then dont do it. We have meet the women who are dragged into this lifestyle...believe me you can tell in no time that they dont really want to be there. It totally isnt fair to you and not fair to put another couple in that possition. It always really pisses me off that a woman would do this just to please her man! It is time to stand up for yourself! If you dont want to play...say NO if he doesnt like it tuff sh....I hate to say it but no amount of therapy is going to make you comfy with swinging if it is truly something that you dont want to do. If you do it to make him happy, all you are doing is making yourself miserable. If he loves you and you are soul mates, then does he really want to make you so unhappy??? I am not trying to bash either one of you but ive seen this happen more than once and i really dont understand why someone would put themselves in that possition. I love my husband and i feel we are soul mates but believe me...if I didnt enjoy this lifestyle we wouldnt be doing it and he would drop the subject and that would be that. It is called respect for each other!
my 2 cents for the day

[Vespertine]

Dito to all the excellent advice given!

Some people just can't swing. Period. There is nothing wrong with monogomy.
This type of lifestyle obviously isn't for you, ophelia. Don't beat yourself up because of it. Why force yourself into something you'll probably regret?
If you let him persuade you into doing this it might potentially cause your marriage serious irreparable harm.

Your wants and desires are just as important as his! Stand firm!

If your husband can't understand that then maybe he's the one that needs therapy. He married you. He didn't marry a swinger. He already made his choice.

[Elusive BiFem]

Thanks, ophelia, for coming back with a little more info. First off, that's great that you see him as a 10. I bet I wouldn't. Point being, when we love someone, we do tend to see them as 10's. He married you...I'm betting he see's you as a 10, also -- 20 pounds of left over baby fat or not. Give yourself some credit here, OK?
If you are going to counseling because you think you need to go, again, that's great. It never hurts to work on self-esteem issues - we could all use a dose of that every now and then. But going to counseling just to get you geared up for swinging...it won't work. I don't care how high your self-esteem gets -- if you aren't happy with the idea of sharing your husband, it will only get deflated in short measure and all that work will be for naught. As for the jealousy, if you are the jealous type that might all wash out in the self-esteem building part of counseling. Then...after all that is done and said, you may want to start talking about swinging. But clear up all these other issues first. Otherwise, I'm afraid you'll find yourself feeling miserable.

As far as what he is wanting you to do...Vespertine really made an excellent point...worth repeating here....

He married you. He didn't marry a swinger. He already made his choice.

- EBF

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by ophelia

I feel like he is missing something important to him and I am standing in the way.

Oh, sweetie...

*shaking my head*

This is an incredibly noble reason to look into the lifestyle and I applaude your open mind. But the only thing he seems to be missing - from what I have read - is the joys of having a confident, self-assured wife. Swinging is not some inalienable right that all men are born with - it is something that grows naturally (at best) from a marriage of two like minded people. It isn't something that he can want and you have to "go along with".

My wife WANTS to swing... That's what makes it so hot... But I could never force her to - or guilt her into it. Because the bottom line is that if you go through with this, you are going to have to deal with the reality of some other woman touching your "perfect 10" while entertaining a man with whom you wish you weren't playing... Is there any amount of therapy that can really help you "deal with that"? Really, really search yourself for that answer...

As for jealousy - it is a valid emotion. It happens in all relationships when something we love is in danger of being taken away. Some in the lifestyle deal with that emotion to lesser degrees, but it is still there. That emotion is telling you that you can't handle sharing your mate with someone else - AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!!!

Listen to that emotion - it is your own soul's fair and unbiased opinion about the whole topic of swinging.

Spoomonkey

[TexasBlondie]

Never, ever, ever, take one for the team!!!

We are mostly soft swap and let me tell you I would never do anything that I felt uncomfortable with just to make my spouse happy and I would never expect my spouse to ever do anything for me that they were not only willing to do but excited to do.

Out of curiosity, did you know about your hubby's desire to swing before you were married? We were dating for a year before swinging and were in the lifestyle for a year before we got married.

Hugs,
Texas Blondie

[curiousagain]

Whew!! A lot of good advice in the previous post. At the risk of sounding crude/straight forward, whatever. Does your man value swinging more than he values you and your marriage? If so I think therapy would be good for him. Swinging is something I do sometimes. It is not my life. I d*** sure wouldn't place it higher on the rungs of life's ladder than a good and stable marriage.

Maybe you do have jealously issues but I don't think that is the only reason you don't want to swing. I think y'all are going about this totally wrong for y'all. Maybe he figures once you "get started" you will enjoy it as much as him. But he risks losing everything and crushing you emotionally in the process if it doesn't work out that way, doesn't he? Life is full of risk and obviously he feels it is a risk he is willing to take.

But follow all the prior good advice. Don't, I repeat DON'T swing until you are ready and then do it only on terms and conditions you are comfortable with. No one is worth your self esteem, self worth, and self image. NO ONE

I hope everything works out for you both.

[ophelia]

Originally Posted by curiousagain

Maybe he figures once you "get started" you will enjoy it as much as him.

THAT'S IT! He says that all the time!

Yes, I knew about his interest in the lifestyle before we were married, which is part of my guilt because I thought I would be able to do this one day and I haven't been able to follow through yet. Maybe I still consider us newlyweds as we have only been married 3 1/2 years. This is my second marriage but his first. We are 41 and 36.

He doesn't understand my aversion as I am a recovering sex-addict. This lifestyle should be a freakin' buffet for me, but now that I have found him, nobody else really measures up. Antonio Bandaras could come to me in nothing but a damp white towel, fresh from the shower, and although I might enjoy the view, I wouldn't feel a need to rip off the towel and ride like the Kentucky Derby. When I was nearing rock bottom, I would have jumped Jabba the Hut just to say I had done it. I have been in remission since meeting my husband. He is the ONLY man I have ever been faithful to.

This just gets more convoluted as we go. Thank all of you again...you are being so helpful.

[curiousagain]

Well, that opens a whole new light on things. Tell me, if you were a recovering alcoholic would he think therapy would allow you to drink socially again? Does he realize what a can of worms this could open? Has he ever tried to put toothpaste back in the tube?

I am now at a loss for words. People with more insight into all this will step in I am sure. There are a lot of experienced, wise people on this board that are eager to help. Listen to them.

Curiousagain

[ophelia]

Originally Posted by ophelia

The therapy is his idea.

Let me clarify here before my sweetie is over-vilified. I was being sent to the shrink for depression anyhoo (Yes, part of my depression stems from not being able to do this for my husband after having years to rap my brain around the idea); my husband simply suggested a "while you are there, how about working on some jealousy and self-esteem issues as well?"

As for why he just doesn't abandon the whole idea, he thinks it would be dishonest to tell me he would never think about it again. He is going to hold hope that one day I can enter the lifestyle. He says if I don't, then he will be content to remain monogamous; he doesn't NEED the lifestyle like he needs to keep his family. We do come first.

I just want to do this for him as he does so much for me. Does that make any sense?

As for the addiction, if I could find a way to change the addiction from an ON/Off switch to a dimmer switch, I wouldn't be so afraid of reverting to old, bad behaviors either.

[curiousagain]

I am sure more of the story will come out in parts. I certainly didn't mean to vilifie anyone.

I won't go into my profession or such but yes, you're right it would be good if you had a dimmer switch but addictions are either on or off.

I am most certainly glad to hear he would be glad to live monogamous but maybe while he's at it, he could quit asking about it???

I have said too much now and had already said I was at a loss for words.

So be it.

Good luck to you both