"Taking one for the Team"?

[anna3630]

I know how you're feeling and if you just are not ready don't beat yourself up over it. I was with another man for my husband because he wanted it and actually it took me a while to agree with it. I still can't take the fact of him being with someone else so that hasn't happened yet. He likes watching me with someone else and so for now that is a mutual agreement between us. I don't know if I will ever be able to let him be with someone else. That sounds pretty selfish but he respects the way I feel and understands. You have to look within yourself and figure out what you can respect yourself for after the fact. It takes time and you either agree or not. Just think of it has a new experience.

[sensuality]

Hi Anna,
I love what you wrote about looking inside yourself...that is real solid excellent advice.In the end, we all have to be okay inside...within ourselves.

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by MScouple04

I think everyone missunderstood what i said about our friend and his wife .. They are swingers and they play seperately .. I think my problem is I just dove right in .. didn't do much research on it or anything and instead of starting off as playing together we just jumped in head first

Going to quickly can become a big problem. Once again, you only go as fast as the slowest person. Maybe you and your wife needs to slow down a bit. When I first read you were playing seperately (or at least she is) and you are new at this whole thing, I wondered about it.

Originally Posted by MScouple04

.. It may be my fault but I love my wife very much and I am 99 % sure of our relationship and the reason it's only 99 is because the other 1 % isn't because i don't trust her it's because i feel like eventually especially the type of person i am will wind up pushing her away if i don't get my emotions under control .. I can't live with that .. I want to die by her side .. I never want to be 1 second without her .. I will do anything to make this work because my wife likes it and i love seeing the smiles on her face .. I have fun also so it's not completely terrible .. My whole life from the time i married her is and always will be keep her happy, make her feel the greatest love that I can give and doing anything to keep her in my life .. Without her i know i would be nothing .. On that note i am completely sure about our relationship.. She hasn't done a single thing wrong since we've been married and that's what scares me .. I've done alot wrong and the thought of her being hurt makes me want to kill myself , and if she asked i would do it in a heartbeat.. I know she wouldn't though cause i see it in her eyes that she loves me just as much if not more than i love her ..

This screams of codependence, which is neither healthy for you or her. I know this because I was very codependent in my first marriage, and even now, almost 10 years later, I still need to be aware of when I am slipping into codependent spells. I need to recognize when I'm giving up too much of myself for my wife.

Originally Posted by MScouple04

I just need to get over my insecurities .. I know she loves me she tells me and shows me everyday .. I feel like she deserves better than me and that's my problem .. I know she deserves better and now that it's a reality that she may actually find someone better I don't think she would leave me but you never truly know i don't want her to leave but if she found someone that could make her truly happy and feel more loved than i do then i wish her the greatest of luck ( not saying i wouldn't stalk her for awhile though )

This screams of low self esteem. You feel your wife deserves better than you. Well she picked you, so you are exactly what she wants.

IMO, you need some counseling to get over 1) your codependence issues, and 2) your low self-esteem issues. Until then, you will not be in a healthy state of mind for your wife and family.

One of my favorite quotes for when I'm feeling not so self-assured:

"A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity." R.A. Heinlein

Originally Posted by MScouple04

Before we started playing we made the rule that we would always use protection .. The first time we played on the trip to our friends house i kept reminding her to use a condom and she assured me she would .. I asked her if she did and she said no ..

This can be a big trust issue, and you have a right to feel suspicious about this. If you agreed on protection there should be no doubt in your mind that she is using it, when you swing together or solo. This kind of behavior obviously leads you to not trust other things she says or does. Does she realize this?

Originally Posted by MScouple04

Our friends are swingers and his wife knew about them being together yesterday .. We are going to play together and only with them for awhile until i get more comfortable with it or start taking illegal drugs .. lol .. i'm kidding .. They are great people and they are great friends and even if we did get out of the lifestyle i know they would still be our friends ... Most of the problems i am having right now are MY problems , nothing that my wife or our friends have done.. I appreciate all of your advice and would like to get more from all of you .. Thanks ..

This sounds like a good idea since it seems your friends are more experienced and have a handle on their relationship. However, I would suggest you stop swinging solo until you are more comfortable with the whole scenario in general.

Originally Posted by MScouple04

I'm not mad at anyone for this and for the way i feel because it was my idea and i had an idea on what was going to happen .. I just wasn't ready for it as i thought i was .. I'm continuing with the lifestyle cause i want her to have fun but it is tearing away at my self respect and the image i have of myself but to me it's all worth it to see her smile.

From your whole post your life sounds like "The Mrs. Show" to me. Either you've made it this way, or she has and you let her. Either way your relationship is way off balance.

It sounds to me like you need to build some self-confidence and draw a line in the sand where your limits are. You are doing everything to accomodate her at the expense of your own feelings and self-esteem, and it is eating you up inside. Does she know this? Have you told her? Or is she inadvertently hurting you because you haven't spoken up?

Once again, you need to slow down or stop until you are comfortable. Doing more of what is hurting you will not make it hurt any less. All your doing is picking at an open wound.

Your feelings are not wrong. They are real and valid. Sometimes the other person takes to it more than you thought they would, and it shocks your senses hard. Things you thought would never be an issue all of a sudden are. Your wife needs to respect this and slow down. It sounds like she loves you, so this should not be an issue to accomodate you regarding this matter.

I now return you to the original thread.
Mr. WS

[MScouple04]

My wife loves me deeply and we have talked and we are going to stop for a little while and talk to a counselor and get myself back on my anxiety medication .. My wife has done nothing wrong .. We talk everyday about what is in our minds no matter what it is .. She knows how i am feeling because i tell her .. We are 100 % honest with each other and that was another aggrement we had before doing this that no matter what we would be honest with each other.. She knows what i'm going through and she is helping me through it and she was the one that mentioned us stopping until i get straightened out .. I love my wife with all of my heart and soul and know that she is my soulmate, lover,best friend and my entire life wouldn't be worth crap if she wasn't in it .. I thank everyone again for the advice that has been givin and the advice that i will seek in the future .. Thanks everyone ..