Why does she like the fantasy but won't consider actually swinging?

[Nufutz]

Me and my wife are extremely sexual and pretty much do everything in bed. we watch porn ect. Now my situation is this, my wife loves to watch threesomes and orgies and pretty much doesnt want to see anything else. She loves to play with toys while she gives me oral sex and she loves to fantasize about being with other people. Now Ive brought up swinging and she says shes dead set against it. I just want some opinions because a lot of it doesnt make sense to me. thanks.

[NightGoddess]

Welcome Nufutz
Would she consider reading this forum with you? Perhaps if she gets some information it might defuse her fear.
Now, I'm going to take a giant step back and say: Swinging isn't for everyone.
If your wife is dead set against it, the worst thing you can do is PUSH.
Try putting yourself in her place for a minute: many spouses find the idea of swinging scary and threatening. You're suggesting sharing something you two have never shared with anyone. It also challenges our ideas of fidelity in marriage, and it's vital you two are on the same page.
I suggest you read the posts about 'getting the wife to swing' and take what the 'elder' members have to say to heart.
I'm a relative newbie here, but I hope what I have to say is helpful.
Your marriage is the most important consideration.

[BodyScape02]

She may just enjoy the fantasy of it all but not really want the reality. If she is that dead set against it, then you really can’t do anything but respect her wishes. I agree with the “not pushing” advice, she can come read these forums and see what it’s all about if she wants but in the end, it should be her choice to participate or not.

[GirlieZ]

Dito Everything that Nightgoddess has said. Ask her to read this board with you. Remember that communication is the key and sometimes you gotta take some rocky roads to get to the good stuff!

Zgirl

[wrnakedru]

Nufutz-
I believe your confusion is a quite normal result that many fellas experience with their wives [and on occasion, vice-versa].

The problem comes about when one fails to realize the comfort level of something being a "fantasy". The ability to let loose and engage in the pillow talk of "IF" while having sex does NOT indicate a desire to bring the fantasy to reality. It can be simply a portion of the stimuli in the mind that enables one to experience mind blowing orgasms.

Often, the partner viewing how his mate is transported by such fantasy play - thinks it is a natural progression to desire bringing it into reality. But once you have indicated your willingness to go to that step, and been rebuffed for the suggestion, it should be dropped.

The danger in continuing to urge the reality is that your partner may quit voicing the fantasies to you, fearful you will than push her where she has no desire to go. So my suggestion is to drop the topic. You have conveyed your thoughts, and planted a seed in her mind. If she changes her mind, she will let you know. But only if you back off, and allow her freedom of expression to continue will she do so.

Keeping the doors of communication open is necessary to maintain the excellent fantasies you now share - and crucial if you are ever destined to move beyond that.

WR

[Spoomonkey]

So far...

All women...

And as usual - they are right. The fact that you have helped your wife feel free enough to express her fantasies is so much farther than many marriages get. You need to be patted on the back for that!

But, the bottom line is, if it isn't for her, then it isn't for her. A suggestion you "might" try is to ask her to go with you to a strip club or discuss "soft swing" with her. That is how we "broke the ice". I am not saying it works with everyone because it really isn't the right thing for every marriage. If it doesn't, let it go. There will be opportunities down the road to talk about it, but in the mean time, just sit back and enjoy the marvelously liberated woman you already have! Lots of men don't have wives that get as wild as yours does - lots of wives don't have husbands who make them feel comfortable enough to express themselves.

You have a good thing. Don't monkey with it...



Spoomonkey

[BradAndJanet]

Nufutz, what these fine ladies - and men (you beat me to this Spoo!) have said is some wise advice and I would only offer up a presumptuous question: what does your wife understand swinging to be?

Many people have misconceptions about swinging. Read a bit here, bookmark some threads you like and if you still want to pursue it, ask her to keep an open mind, then show her what you've found.

To me it's one thing to understand a thing and reject it, but quite another to reject it without awareness.

Welcome to the board!

-B

[PLZUREZONE]

When we first decided to enter this lifestyle, I had spent MANY months just fantasizing about it..Although I seriously did have some interest, I wasn't remotely ready to admit it to hubby. I loved the idea and it made for some hot orgasms, but I became very insecure about the whole thing, (for various reasons). For many of us it's simply not something we ever dreamed of taking past fantasy.
The one thing I still appreciate today, is that he (hubby) NEVER pressured me into anything...as time went on and I began to talk to "swingers" and saw that they were as normal as he and I, it soon became my idea to explore more and more.
Today, I have a unique relationship ,I am VERY content and happy in, but [I]ONLY because I was never pressured in the beginning.
"If" she is interested she will talk to you about it.... As it looks now, you have a really open, honest and sentual sex life. That's a blessing.

[pairbond]

Nufutz, there are several very good reasons why women especially are sometimes conflicted about swinging and reluctant to give it a have on their marriage. But we've learned that many women simply have awful self images. We know a beautiful, sexy woman who told us she really thought she was just "unfuckable" and nobody would want to be with her. She will be 50 years old at the end of this month, and is now trying hard to reach "50 by 50!"

Mrs. Pairbond is a pretty lady with delicious curves and beautiful skin and looks incredible naked. But she constantly bemoans the fact that she's only 5'3" tall and curvaceous instead of one of those tall, willowy types.

One of my all-time favorite cartoons showed a husband and wife naked in front of the bathroom mirror. The woman is a "10" in every sense, and the hubby is a bald, beer-bellied slob. In the mirror, she sees an ugly old hag, and he sees Tarzan! There is so much truth in that! Most men think they are studly and most women are keenly aware of what they are NOT instead of appreciating what they ARE.

Poor body image is also one of the reasons why lots of women don't want to go to one of those parties where everybody's clothes come off at a certain time, and would rather not get naked until just before they slide into bed.

We have seen lots of women past 40 years old who have raised children, have stretch marks, some with scars from C-sections, whose breasts aren't as high and firm as they once were, and who can "pinch an inch" or just have soft abs. You know what? They really get their eyes opened when they finally get up the nerve to swing, and especially when they go to their first swing party and find out MOST men think they are so hot and want them. What a turn-on it is to these women to discover that they are still attractive and sexy! Wives tend to dismiss their husbands' compliments about their looks because "He's SUPPOSED to say that." But when they start swinging or attend their first party, they are forced to admit that they really ARE still beautiful, attractive, and sexy to most men. And they often get a tremendous self-esteem boost out of it which affects their whole life. That's one reason why even women who were "coaxed" into trying swinging by their husbands often end up loving it even more than their husbands do! What a wonderful thing to feel GOOD about yourself, especially after years of being conditioned by Madison Avenue advertising that if you're past 16 you're "over the hill."

So be patient and understanding, and like you were already advised, don't push. If she is really interested, it may take her some time to get up the courage. And if she just doesn't want to, that is also her right to determine that swinging just isn't for her. - - pairbond

[BodyScape02]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

So far...

All women...

And as usual - they are right.

Ummm...that was the Mr that posted above...LOL

[Nufutz]

Wow a lot of info here. I really appreciate all of the insight and help. It definately helped me understand possibly where she is at this point. And as far as pushing, I actually brought it up once seriously, she told me how she felt and that was the end of it. Im sure shes pretty positive that if she decided she wants to explore it, she know Im more than willing to talk with her about it. Whats funny is now she makes jokes about the whole swinging thing which kind of freaked m out at first because I didnt epect it at all. We were in bed watching a porno and of course it was a threesome and she jokingly asked me if that was what i wanted for my birthday. Needless to say I was at a loss for words but we laughed it off and that was it. But anyways we'll see what happens. Im in no rush. If she decides she wants to explore it thats cool and if she decides she doesnt, thats cool too. Again thanks for all your help.

[Miss_Piggy]

Sounds like you have the right attitude. Put it on the back burner. The ball is in her court... Curiosity kiled the cat. If the shoe fits wear it...

Okay ignore those last two I got a little excited.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by BodyScape02

Ummm...that was the Mr that posted above...LOL

Sorry - I was fooled by the legs on the avatar...



Spoomonkey

[WesternSwing]

What I'm getting here is that she likes the fantasy, but the reality is not for her. BUT, are you suggesting swinging as a way to fulfill her fantasy of mutliple men (very noble of you)? Or are you suggesting it because it is your fantasy, also? Either way, let her take it at her own pace, if she wants to take it at all. If it is your fantasy maybe you can live it out in play together in other ways, like the toys.

WS

[IndyGirl2004]

Hi and welcome.

I'm in kind of the reverse situation from you. I'm interested in checking things out, but my husband isn't sold on the idea, nor will I do anything to push him. As the others have said, it's not a good idea or the right thing to do. I love him to pieces and he's a wonderful man. We met when we were very young (in our early forties now) and never had others, so now I'm wondering about what it would be like with others. I'm bi-curious and he is aware of this, but isn't terribly interested in us doing anything about it at this time. We talk about things, even visiting a club just to see what it's like, knowing we will not do anything.

From all of my reading here on the SB, I do not see that very many of the ladies have been in this situation. Although, I understand that some have.

We have a wonderful sex life, like you, and he's always been great about trying new things, so I am counting myself as very lucky. He was patient when I went through a rough period where my sex drive was very low, and now that it's really taken off (age I think *S*), he's more than willing to oblige.

Not sure if we'll go further, but perhaps we aren't meant to. Only time will tell. For now, I know I have a wonderful man, a very good marriage, so I'm way ahead of the game. Sounds like you are, too.

Best of luck to you two. You both sound like good folks!

Indy