How to get a husband who wants to swinging to stop trying to convince the wife?

[ricndi032903]

ok I see all over the place how men are asking, How do I get my wife "into" this, or how to "talk" her into this, Or how anyway you want to slice it, otherwise get her to do something she apparently doesn't want to begin with......

So here is my question

How do you get a husband who is obsessed with this lifestyle to give it up, to drop the crap and live a normal life?

How do you "talk" him into accepting that his wife wants only him? And that it's normal to want only your wife? That in some marriages or relationships, one person has a right to a faithful marriage, cause I am sorry and don't want to offend anyone,
but the moment you touch another person you ARE taking something away from your mate, time and touches otherwise that could and should be spent with your mate, and it doesn't much matter whether your mate is in the room, any touch that is spent on another is taking away from the one that has the right to be the one being touched.

If some of these men would consider the fall out before sugjesting and then pushing it with double talk, exp; I don't want another woman, but the thought of someone different is exciting, then to me, he's really saying that I don't excite him and that he does want the other woman,

So why don't some of the wifes that have been forced , manulipated or whatever stand up and say hell no, I would really like to know how many swinging wives are doing this to keep their husbands happy at their own expence. and why can't the men accept the wife's decision to have a normal marriage, why do they have to push and behave so badly when told no? cause to me the moment you step away from your SO you step away period.

[fun_pairTX]

As soon as we suspect that the couple we have met belongs in the catagory you describe WE LEAVE. We refuse to be part of any situation that isn't entered into freely by all parties.

[jcbicouple]

We agree with the previous post. If both don't agree: We're out of there. We also won't play with a couple that doesn't appear to really like each other. If they seem to be into this just to be with someone other than their SO, we leave. You can tell fairly easily when they are the type you are speaking of. As for us: We just enjoy sex, and have a great sex life even when others aren't involved. We enjoy each other more than others though, and if either one of us isn't interested in both people, or either of us says "no" to something, for ANY reason....then that's it. There's no debate and no disappointment that we didn't get to do something with another person. Don't know how else to explain it except that it's still an "us" thing even when others are there.

[Vjklander]

Actually, we consider ourselves to be 'normal'. Generally we find the women to be as avid as the men or moreso. In the interest of not saying less than tactfull, I'll leave it at that.
J

[bccpl77]

Swinging is something both partners should be content with. If one doesn't feel it's right for them then there should be no debate. How can one enjoy it if the other doesn't.
My husband and I enjoy it because it helps fullfill each others fantasies. It's an "extension" of our already healthy lust for each other. I know my husband wants to be with other women, but not because he wants someone better but because he wants more. It turns me on to fullfill this for him as it turns him on that he'd do the same for me. I don't feel that anything is being taken away from me but rather given to me. On the otherhand if one feels that something is being taken away then it is and you shouldn't be doing it.
Maybe you should sit down and discuss why he may be so pesistant on the subject and won't take no for an answer. Have you shared your true feelings with him? Were you firm with your answers? Perhaps ask for sexy alternatives. He needs to get the idea that enough is enough on that subject and it might affect the direction in which your marriage may go.
Swinging or no swinging marriage has to be a partnership all the way and one partner shouldn't have to do something they feel so strongly about just to make the other happy. The other should respect feelings and know where to draw the line.

[yawanna]

think about it.. we have food, sex, intellect. Otherwise we work and live up to our responsibilities. The only other options we have, really, are food, sex, our brains...to expand and/or indulge ourselves.

I remember talking with a long time swinger couple we know, but have never played with, because we've become more 'family' than friends. I told them of one afternoon of sex with my husband and how mind blowing it was. And the husband told me 'so you've had the kind of sex my wife and I have'. They have been married for 14 years and have 4 children.

The emotional bonds that create an intimacy that is special only to the 2 in a good couple can never be equalled by recreational sex.

That's why, as someone else so articulately posted, there are rules.
To protect our relationships and alert us to perhaps not so stable couples.

When we've met couples that we had doubts about their solidity... we walk...away... and fast.

We have one bottom line never to be crossed rule in swinging.. that we are doing no harm to anyone else by participating...this means no cheaters, no troubled couples, no people just dating to get laid or swing as a single. Dating to swing (perhaps this is already on another thread and I apologize if it is....) is not swinging IMHO. I know people do it... I know _I_ did it but I didn't call myself a 'swinger'.. other people did.

A couple's primary relationship is of pre eminent importance and always to be respected. Normal is a morality imposed by I don't know who? But we all make choices always taking care for our significant others first and foremost and secondly those we bring into our social life.. sexual or otherwise.

Those are swingers

[Elusive BiFem]

I understand, I think, what you are saying, but first, please remember that what you consider to be "crap" and wanting to "live a normal life" is different for different folks. You may enjoy eating liver and I think it is repulsive and "not normal." But somehow, lots of places sell liver and onions. Those of us that enjoy multiple partners and swinging are living our "normal life."
That choice of words...demeaning my choice of lifestyle...immediately conjures up a defensive mode.

I really don't mean to be rude in tone - sincerely - and I know I don't know all the conversations that may have taken place between the two of you, but if you have approached him with the type attitude you came across with in this post, implying or stating that his ideas and/or fantasies are "abnormal," that might be one of the major problems in trying to get him to see things the way you would like for him to see them...your way. Your values. Your standards.

You feel that touching, time spent with others, etc., is taking something away from you. You are certainly entitled to think and feel that way, but many of us don't. Do you feel that way when he goes to a ballgame with other guys? Plays golf with other guys? Maybe dances with the female half of the couple you've gone to dinner with as you dance with the male half? But you see, that is the way some of us think of swinging. It is physical pleasure only...feeling good. It doesn't involve the same emotional bonds and commitments of the relationship with ones spouse or SO.

There may be wives and SO's that have stood up and said hell no. Most likely, they don't post here.

Now that being said, one of the primary gains from swinging, or even considering the idea of swinging, is a great sense of trust and communication that can come from the discussions leading up to (and following in some cases) the suggestion of swinging. There are some people on this board that would be quick to tell you there wife is against it, but still, their ability to communicate and trust each other was enhanced by the discussions.

You seem to be having significant problems, maybe feeling that the idea is being forced on you, and I can certainly appreciate that feeling. I would think that the first step for the two of you would be to recognize some possible communication deficits and work on that. If you learn to appreciate and respect each others opinions, you will have gained immensely whether you ever swing or not. And that is what swinging is really about.

- EBF

[R&C]

I hate to disappoint you, but I doubt that you will ever convince him to give up the desire. If it hasn't already happend, then he probably never will. I have always had a rule, the person with the most restrictive rules is in charge. If my wife didn't want to swing we wouldn't. She tells me I can go by myself, and I won't do it. It is either us together or we stay home. Now we will occasionally "play" seperatly, but that is never the intention it just happens, with mutual consent.

People rarely change. If your goal is to change someone you are going to beat your head against a stone wall with more sucess. Not all people are compatable and you have to accept that and make a decision of what you can live with.

[ricndi032903]

Well Hello......
I never meant to offend anyone and sorry if my moral standards are just a bit high, but they are and personally I'm so sick and tired of defending the way I CHOOSE to live to a man that has no compassion for my feelings of what is right or wrong, he keeps telling me there is NO HARM, where I see the harm, he wants it, I DO NOT. I offer him what I think and believe I feel is safe and he gladly takes what I can offer, but it's the knowing that he wants more and would at any given chance if I said ok, he's throw me to another man just to GET HIS WIFE.
The talks that turn in days of arguing is killing this marriage cause he will not see my side and that for our marriage I just may know what will hurt or enhance it. AND fucking someone else for the FUN and THRILL of it is disgusting to me and makes me want to vomit, he knows how I feel and continually tells me with double talk that he is ok with my level but still see's no harm in the other stuff where I do.

thanks for llistening.

[2SHARE]

Originally posted by ricndi032903
........personally I'm so sick and tired of defending the way I CHOOSE to live to a man that has no compassion for my feelings

This is the crux of the matter........

If you have to DEFEND yourself inside your marriage and to a man who has NO COMPASSION for your feelings then your marriage is in serious trouble and in need of counceling.

I wish you the best of luck.

Deb

[fun_pairTX]

ricndi032903,

There is no need to apologise for your moral stance, that is a personal choice that everyone is entitled to make. Swinging isn't for everyone and knowing how you feel it is not something that we would recommend to you. One caveat that we have between us is that either of us can stop either a situation or stop both of us from swinging permanently by just saying so, with NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

Explain your stance to your husband one more time. If he doesn't accept it on face value see either a counselor or an attorney. Sorry to be so blunt, but to train a mule you first have to get his attention.

We wish you all the best.

[ricndi032903]

Hello and I do say thank you for the replies, very sincerely,

but calmly speaking, I'd like to explain just a bit as to why I am so very defensive (but not with you all), the way you choose to live and who you have sex with is your own personal choice, with no judgement from me....if it's good and works for you, then wonderful.

When Ric and I first met, we disgused our past, we confided in each other, our fears, our dreams, our wants out of life, I told him of things in my past, things that hurt me, almost drove me to the brink of killing myself, he too told me of his past, how he hurt for many years, his thoughts of ending it all....then as time went by and we began building a future together, he told me about these "fantacies" (wanting to take me to a strip club, because guys are so impressed when a man has his woman there, his couriousness over what goes on at a Swing Club, voyeurism, and of course having a 3sum,) at first thought I laughed and thought to myself, he's just saying this to appear open minded, this isn't really something he wants for us or for our relationship, especially after the lives he and I both had. So basicly I disregarded what he was saying (big mistake on my part)

Soon after we moved in together, he began hinting for that 3sum, knowing that was a painful part of my past, that I had done it for an old b/f years ago with catistroftic results, I was humilated, embarassed, my self esteem was lower then shit.

He pushed and pushed, he yelled at me cause I didn't want to do that again in my life and that it wasn't something I wanted to do years ago, that I only did it to make my b/f happy, and how he hurt me with it, all Ric could say was how he must be the better man cause I gave him something that I wont do for him, how he felt cheated out of something that was "rightfully" his, how he's paying for some other ass holes mistake, and that if I wasn't made to be humilated and etc, if it was handled better then I might be more ok with it now, needless to say, he yelled his views as I cried and attempted to explain that I didn't want it back then and don't want it now , that the thought of loosing his respect would kill me, kill us.

Nothing I could say or do would make him understand that I ONLY wanted HIM, and that if he truely loved me, that in my mind & heart that he should only want me, that did nothing, after an argument that carried over to the outside and he yelled at me that he was going to have his fantacies even if it meant leaving me and going back where he's from to find someone else that "thought like him" and that would want "what he wanted", I knew I had NO CHOICE but to give him what he wanted, even though he knew it was hurting me, so eventually I gave in after 10 months of on and off again yelling and fighting over him wanting a 3sum so he could be the better man, I finally gave in and did it, I came away with the same feelings of years ago, he however had not one thought as to what it was doing to me, he enjoyed what he got, I enjoyed knowing that he finally got what he wanted so badly, so in my "crazy" state of mind, I set up another 3sum but this time on my terms, I wanted him to sit and watch as I gave the man what I only give him, (less the kissing) let me tell you he didn't like it at all, he saw for the first time what he had done to me, what he was giving away, well his change of heart at not wanting to share me and have a normal marriage only lasted 2 or 3 days, and then he was back on the swinging kick, he learned no lasting heart lessons.

I wanted him to get a real good look at what he has now and that after his 22 years of begging his x wife for meaningless unsatisfing sex was not what he really wanted for us. But like I said, his change of heart didn't last for long, he still see's no harm in fucking other people for fun as harmful to us, that touching someone else is not wrong to him, well he can't see or comprehand that for US as a unit when I want nothing to do with touching or haveing sex with someone other then the man I promised myself to, that for us it is wrong and harmful.

You can take and make any opinion from what I've tried to explain and come to your own conclusion, but remember the posting "Sad Sight" in this forum and think how many women out there are doing this for their husbands or SO's, when talking and communicating does no good to open their eyes that this may not be the lifestyle for them, that this fantacy may not be what they really want, that it's not healthy to live this way when one person can't.

thanks, Di

[Elusive BiFem]

Hello again, Di.

I will admit that your other post...calling the lifestyle crap and inferring that those of us that enjoy swinging and open sexualitiy are not "living a normal life" kind of set me off in a defensive mode. After all, this is a swingers board and most of us here enjoy our choice of lifestyle. If you go back and read through the various posts, I think it will be readily apparent that we do not try to hoist our lifestyle choices upon others and most of us are real quick to say that if the choice is not that of both partners, then don't go there.

Now for you...and your issues...everyone thus far has said something to the effect that the relationship between the couple - their relationship - is of primary importance. Swinging, involving couples and/or singles, should be a mutually agreed upon activity. It should be mutually pleasurable.

Quite frankly, I would never stay in any relationship with any person that tried to FORCE or coerce me into doing anything, up to and including the sharing of my sexuality. That is something that I really can't comprehend happening to me. Therefore, I guess I can't comprehend how others would allow it to happen to them. Right, wrong, or indifferent...I can't equate this type of attitude with love. All relationships are built on mutual respect, compromise, finding value in the others opinions and feelings, finding value in the ability to disagree but maintain respect for each other, sometimes putting aside ones own feelings and values out of respect for the other person. All relationships...including love relationships.

Where is that in the scenarios you present? Where is the respect for your feelings? Others have said you may want to exit the relationship...get counseling...I have to agree. It sounds like the issues of swinging are symptoms of bigger issues in the relationship.

I sincerely wish you the best and hope you can resolve this.

- EBF

[JustAskJulie]

Put your foot down with him one last time. If you are swinging at all to make him happy (or doing anything, for that matter, JUST to make him happy) - STOP! And let him know that it will not continue. That you will not be pushed or connived into doing anything you are not comfortable with. I would also reccomend that you find a good marriage counselor. If he refuses to go, find a good lawyer. From the sounds of it, he's been pushing you head first since you got together. Having been through that once I can't imagine how you can stand to go through it again.

[Corwyn13]

Di,

I usually lurk here because as a sociology minor, human interaction fascinates me.
Along with this group I visit several other "lifestyle" groups, ranging from ultra right to ultra left, to see reactions and get a different perspective. Often my involvement stems from my curiousity. If I don't understand something I become obsessed by it until I either incorporate it into my life or leave it by.

What I don't understand here is WHY are you HERE?
Based on your experience, your feelings and the overt and covert hostility you've expressed, what exactly were you trying to accomplish on this newsgroup?
You took the time to create a user name ( and I notice that it included him) and post. Though your second post was more informative your 1st one came off pretty hostile towards the people in this lifestyle. This is like marinating yourself in A-1 sauce before standing in front of a hord of lions. It isn't going to make things worse, but it sure won't help!

So what are you you looking for from these people?

The way I see it is you made 3 HUGE mistakes!
1) You told your SO about previous expriences you did not want to repeat.

2) You repeated them with your SO

3) you are blaming HIM for your behavior and more importantly your feelings!

No one, and I mean NO ONE can MAKE you DO anything against your will! People can force themselves on you i.e. a man can hold you down and rape you, but that is NOT you having sex with him.

YOU decided to "give in" as you call it and do something he wanted, then you tried using it as a weapon against him ( the bit about "see what he is giving away")
Your plan back fired on you and now you blame him.
Your relationship, and I use that term loosely, problems are not about swinging or even sex. It is about power and control.
From what you have written this is as much your fualt as it is his, but you can not change or control him. You can only take responsibility for YOU.

Other people have commented here that you should put your foot down one more time talk to him one more time etc.

I say YOU need to talk to YOU! You know one of those look yourself in the mirror and stop lying kind of talks.
If doing these things (swinging) are so repulsive to you, why did you come here for advise? Why did you try using it as a weapon?
Why exactly are you so willing to do things that you say are against your beliefs and then blame others for YOUR behavior?

Contrary to popular belief ANY long lasting relationship is based on compromise. No one lives in a purely 50/50 relationship where both parties get equally what they want.
I have friends who are currently going through a devorce because
he loves saltwater aquariums and she hates the mess his activites around the aquarium make in the house. He says that their sex lives is out of this world, yet he is unwilling to give up his hobby and she is unwilling to make any compromises on this issue. Does this make sense to you? It doesn't to me, but this is reality!
You've made a compromise. Now you have to figure out whether YOU can live within the scope of compromise you've created! The only person responsible for this is YOU.

You have 2 choices;
1) you accept the compromise you've made - balance the things you gain from the relationship, ( which frankly sounds like NILL) accept this as part of the bargain and quit whining.

or

2) You leave! And I don't mean tomorrow or after you had that talk or when the moon is full. I mean RIGHT NOW!

As for him? He has to make the same choice. Either he wants you and accepts the bargain or he doesn't, but that is HIS responsibility!

Corwyn