How to get a husband who wants to swinging to stop trying to convince the wife? - Page 4

ricndi032903 · 10-31-2003, 03:28 PM

Just wanted to say Thanks for all the replies, and I do mean ALL.

Bear & Bi I think were the most help, and of course everyone, While it's very difficult to be in my postion, mother, 2nd wife, having always been on the shitty end of life and felt that I was about to have my fairy tale come true. In many ways it has, although I never dreamed that my new life would ever consist of my new husband asking for something like this.

Always searching in my heart for the one man that would be faithful and want to be faithful to just me, ya know, to love me enough to want me and only me.

Even though I know Ric loves me beyond words, none the less, it hurt me deaply to know that he and I are not on the same page in wanting a more traditional marriage, meaning when it comes to sex, that it just be him and I. That's been my fantacy all my life.

To Bear I will say this, Yes dear you are correct, Over the "swing thing"; He is a ass hole and I am a idiot, He pushed and pushed and I crumbled due to my fear of loosing him to someone that would want this lifestyle, my heart and mouth said NO, but yet I gave in. And you would be very correct in assuming that it will never happen to me again.

I am only comfortable with the very bear bones acpects of this lifestyle, I require a huge degree of safety, respect and security as a woman, wife and mother. And in him understanding this, it shows me respect and makes me feel secure, and safe in my relationship with him as his wife.

And as of currently, I am happy to report that he is doing and showing me these things that I need and require to mantain a healthy marriage, while I still research the lifestyle and gain more understanding, as to better comprehend his wants and needs.

Sincerely,
Di

tmyis · 10-31-2003, 04:17 PM

I have actually given your situation a little more thought and hope you don't mind me sharing something I ran across the other day.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to a communication seminar. It suggested that in many situations where communication is tough and discussions are whipping up a bunch of unproductive emotions, communication can often be improved by focusing on two things: feelings and the needs/desires which produce those feelings. For example, let me illustrate by using your situation as an example.

You might tell your husband that you feel hurt and sad and that what you need is to feel loved to the exclusion of others and his desire to swing doesn't meet your need.

He might respond that he feels frustrated and what he needs is more sexual excitement in his life and he thinks that swinging would satisfy that need.

From here one of 3 things might happen.

Compromise: Once you each understand each other's feelings and needs, you two might compromise. You might meet some of his needs by agreeing to find some other ways to make your sex more exciting that does not involve other people and that might meet his need.

Give in: One of the unique things about being human is that we can actually derive pleasure out of meeting someone else's needs. You might agree to swing and find some satisfaction that you have made your husband happy or he might agree to no change and know that his decision has made you happy and thus derive some satisfaction.

Nothing: Finally you may both learn that your needs totally conflict and each of your needs is so important that compromise and giving in don't work. This isn't the outcome we want, but at least we understand where each other is coming from. Sometimes there is an interesting story behind our needs. (I hate to admit that I actually saw an interesting episode on Oprah which dealt with this subject - don't tell anyone I watched Oprah.)

I have obviously made my own guess at what each of you feels and needs, but most likely things are far more complicated. If nothing else, this kind of discussion would be enlightening.

Good luck.

DBL D · 10-31-2003, 04:52 PM

Well guys. I am speechless at the amount of infomation given here and the myriad different ways to look at stuff.

I do believe that we all have to know how to use language and learn to listen, really listen to each other.

ricndi032903, Man I wish you luck. I'm sure you deserve better than you have had recently. Remember that most great things are usually produced with heat used in the process somewhere.
Just make sure that you are happy in your decisions but don't go overboard with the compromising, OK?

Male D

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10-31-2003, 03:28 PM	#46 (permalink)
ricndi032903 Active Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 30 Location: PA Status: Couple	thank you Just wanted to say Thanks for all the replies, and I do mean ALL. Bear & Bi I think were the most help, and of course everyone, While it's very difficult to be in my postion, mother, 2nd wife, having always been on the shitty end of life and felt that I was about to have my fairy tale come true. In many ways it has, although I never dreamed that my new life would ever consist of my new husband asking for something like this. Always searching in my heart for the one man that would be faithful and want to be faithful to just me, ya know, to love me enough to want me and only me. Even though I know Ric loves me beyond words, none the less, it hurt me deaply to know that he and I are not on the same page in wanting a more traditional marriage, meaning when it comes to sex, that it just be him and I. That's been my fantacy all my life. To Bear I will say this, Yes dear you are correct, Over the "swing thing"; He is a ass hole and I am a idiot, He pushed and pushed and I crumbled due to my fear of loosing him to someone that would want this lifestyle, my heart and mouth said NO, but yet I gave in. And you would be very correct in assuming that it will never happen to me again. I am only comfortable with the very bear bones acpects of this lifestyle, I require a huge degree of safety, respect and security as a woman, wife and mother. And in him understanding this, it shows me respect and makes me feel secure, and safe in my relationship with him as his wife. And as of currently, I am happy to report that he is doing and showing me these things that I need and require to mantain a healthy marriage, while I still research the lifestyle and gain more understanding, as to better comprehend his wants and needs. Sincerely, Di

10-31-2003, 04:17 PM	#47 (permalink)
tmyis Registered Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 5 Location: CO, N. Denver area Status: M.Male	One final thought I have actually given your situation a little more thought and hope you don't mind me sharing something I ran across the other day. A couple of weeks ago, I went to a communication seminar. It suggested that in many situations where communication is tough and discussions are whipping up a bunch of unproductive emotions, communication can often be improved by focusing on two things: feelings and the needs/desires which produce those feelings. For example, let me illustrate by using your situation as an example. You might tell your husband that you feel hurt and sad and that what you need is to feel loved to the exclusion of others and his desire to swing doesn't meet your need. He might respond that he feels frustrated and what he needs is more sexual excitement in his life and he thinks that swinging would satisfy that need. From here one of 3 things might happen. Compromise: Once you each understand each other's feelings and needs, you two might compromise. You might meet some of his needs by agreeing to find some other ways to make your sex more exciting that does not involve other people and that might meet his need. Give in: One of the unique things about being human is that we can actually derive pleasure out of meeting someone else's needs. You might agree to swing and find some satisfaction that you have made your husband happy or he might agree to no change and know that his decision has made you happy and thus derive some satisfaction. Nothing: Finally you may both learn that your needs totally conflict and each of your needs is so important that compromise and giving in don't work. This isn't the outcome we want, but at least we understand where each other is coming from. Sometimes there is an interesting story behind our needs. (I hate to admit that I actually saw an interesting episode on Oprah which dealt with this subject - don't tell anyone I watched Oprah.) I have obviously made my own guess at what each of you feels and needs, but most likely things are far more complicated. If nothing else, this kind of discussion would be enlightening. Good luck.

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10-31-2003, 04:52 PM	#48 (permalink)
DBL D Oh...Why not?... Join Date: Sep 2003 Posts: 2,312 Location: Northern Call-ee-forn-ee-ah Status: Married Couple	Well guys. I am speechless at the amount of infomation given here and the myriad different ways to look at stuff. I do believe that we all have to know how to use language and learn to listen, really listen to each other. ricndi032903, Man I wish you luck. I'm sure you deserve better than you have had recently. Remember that most great things are usually produced with heat used in the process somewhere. Just make sure that you are happy in your decisions but don't go overboard with the compromising, OK? Male D