How to get a husband who wants to swinging to stop trying to convince the wife? - Page 2

mrbandsatl · 10-14-2003, 11:56 AM

Damn.

What Corwyn said.

**good times** · 10-14-2003, 04:14 PM

When I read this post my thoughts were similar to corwyns but he stated those ideas much better than I could. Well said Corwyn.

R

Buck · 10-14-2003, 04:27 PM

Nuff said!

WildFlower · 10-16-2003, 04:04 AM

I totally agree with Corwyn. Well said..
Should have never started swinging if you did not want to do it in the first place. Never let people bully you into doing things you are not comfortable with.

ricndi032903 · 10-19-2003, 08:37 PM

well it's obvious that the last few repiles didn't bother to read the other posts by me and why I was here, to gain a better understanding of this lifestyle and the why's that some people can't live without it, regardless of how I got here, it's pretty obvious that I am here, but what some of the last posters fail to understand is that I am not here by my own choice, for if it were by MY choice I've have nothing to do with this lifestyle, my husband is the one that brought it up and then wouldn't let it go when I begged, pleaded, cried, etc...... He is the one that wants to have sex with other people, NOT ME, and yes I may have failed at my worthless attempt to SHOW him what he was giving away, and yes again that failure is on me, and sorry to report but I have not used it as a weapon on him, it was a mistake to try and show an andict what he wants, cause it only made him want more without the cost of lossing what he says he's waited all his life for. ME. So who are you and why do you thoughtlessly pass your poor judgement on me and try to blame me for HIS wants and HIS pushyness???? If the situation was reversed and it was me that was wanting something that he didn't and if I knew how he felt, it would have never been brought up or pushed down this throat..... But it's ok to blame me, why not, right, what he wants is ok, what I want isn't. I have no rights according to the last few posters, that much is obvious and then blame me for his adiction.
I'm perfectly satisfied with the man I married, I have no need to look elsewhere for sex or anything else. But ya know what , I do, and his manulipative games on praying on my past and my pain is over.

Elusive BiFem · 10-19-2003, 09:03 PM

Bottom line, ricndi032903, you've gotta choice. Hold tight to your stance and go, or give up your way of thinking about swinging and stay. Regardless of what he may have told you in the early stages of your relationship, he's apparently telling you something different now. Either way, you have the choice.

This board, while a discussion board for swinging, is not a place for solving serious marital issues and it sounds like ya'll have really serious issues. You may want to consider counseling - couples counseling. If he won't go, go alone. Again...a choice you need to make for yourself. Kind of sounds to me like you aren't doing much to help yourself. Maybe that's what you need to do first. Help yourself. Once you do that, the rest will fall into place.

As for your other posts...those that responded, responded to THIS post and these comments, among others:

So why don't some of the wifes that have been forced , manulipated or whatever stand up and say hell no, I would really like to know how many swinging wives are doing this to keep their husbands happy at their own expence. and why can't the men accept the wife's decision to have a normal marriage, why do they have to push and behave so badly when told no? cause to me the moment you step away from your SO you step away period.

The above comments are your opinions, but obviously not the opinions of the many wives that post here and enjoy swinging. Read the many posts from the many females on this board. I don't think you will find many women here that feel they are being "forced." In fact, many women were the "instigators" of swinging. Simple as that. -EBF

OhioCouple · 10-19-2003, 09:31 PM

WOW, this is the first opportunity that I have had to read this thread. Hmmmph.

First off, ricndi032903, I am somewhat offended by your not so subtle critizing of those of us that choose to live an alternative lifestyle. You came her asking for advice and you have had numerous posters, both male, female, couples and singles alike who have given you some excellent advice, all of which I agree with.

I am the female half of OhioCouple, and I choose to be in this lifestyle. I enjoy it, my husband enjoys it and there are thousands of other people that do to, just in our tri-state area.

Swinging is not for everyone, no question about it. There is nothing wrong with saying "Hey this just isn't for me"... your problems lie with the relationship of your husband. Because ya'll can't do what is best for EACH OTHER.

Hands down, you need to get to a marriage counsler and if he won't go, then it's time to head for the attorney. I know that I for sure wouldn't live in this miserable state of affairs.

That is reality and you aren't seeing it.

There is an old favorite saying that my Grandaddy used to say...

"If people keep telling you that you have a tail, you had better turn around and look". Right now you are having all these folks telling you that you have a serious marital problem, but you can't turn around to find it. It is quite obvious that we can't help you.

Best of luck to you,

Mrs. O

**Alura** · 10-19-2003, 09:31 PM

When my wife and I first met, Di, we discovered an ability to communicate neither of us had ever known with another person. Twenty-three years later it's still there.

We both had a lot of, yes, fun, with sex before we met each other and are both fully aquainted with the difference between "Making Love" and "sex for fun." Perhaps you never did that when you were single, but both of us did and both of us enjoyed it. Swinging, though not a central facet of our life, allows us to "have sex for fun" without the strong emotions involved in "making love." Although "Making Love" is the most important to both of us, we have learned we can have both without risking our relationship.

We've found, also, that the ability to talk about sex with others removes any fear in communication. We are never afraid to bring up any subject because of a fear for how the other might react.

I enjoy working on cars, getting my hands greasy. Mrs. Alura likes knitting, quilting, scrapbooking, things she keeps clean hands doing. She rides in my cars and I wear the sweaters she has knitted for me. I tried knitting once but found it very frustrating, couldn't keep the rows even or remember when I needed to knit or purl. I don't think she's ever worked on a car with me, something I'd really love, but I've never encouraged her to develop an interest. She does, however, help me clean the garage to get it ready to work on a car and helps me push the non-running cars around as needed. I guess that's our compromise.

If your husband won't give up his interest in swinging, he needs a new wife; if you won't give the lifestyle any consideration at all, you need a new husband. If both of you refuse to compromise, that makes the problem unsolvable.

Our best of luck to both of you.

Mr. & Mrs. Alura

windsor4fun2 · 10-19-2003, 11:18 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by ricndi032903
I am not here by my own choice, for if it were by MY choice I've have nothing to do with this lifestyle, my husband is the one that brought it up and then wouldn't let it go when I begged, pleaded, cried, etc...... He is the one that wants to have sex with other people, NOT ME

You do have a choice! No one can force you into swinging unless you let then. You have expressed your revulsion for the idea of swinging and say that you have told your husband the same. If that is the case the problem is not with swinging it is with your husband for not CARING about your feelings and with you for letting him get away with it.
You have a serious problem with your marriage and need to deal with it. That can range from counseling to divorce. If you are not willing to accept that, stop complaining.

Jesse

angihay · 10-20-2003, 11:15 AM

I agree with most of the others who have posted, both partners have to be into it or it's no-way or us either. I also feel each person or cpl should make their own choices in their own lifestyles and many of us here choose to participate in this "crap" as you described it. If you are not into then your not so tell him if he doesn't listen keep telling him. I never agree to anything I don't want to agree to and have never given up my own free will in this life just to make him happy. If there are women out there who have I am very sorry for them. In this lifestyle if both partners are not into it they shouldn't be doing it but then again just my opinion I never criticize anyone else choices.

ricndi032903 · 10-20-2003, 07:24 PM

Well I can only guess I've offended a bunch of you and there's really nothing I can say or do, but say I'm sorry for bothering,

But I'll say this much, NO, I've never had sex for the fun or thrill of it, I never had those thoughts, if it wasn't with someone that I loved or cared about, it just didn't happen, I never lived a sexually promisquisious lifestyle either. Also I'm not a natrual born cheater and if he wants another woman for his sexual satisfaction then he might as well move on, cause I am not about to give him my permission to have sex with someone, with or without my being there. (to me; it's still cheating)

It's hard for you all to understand that other then the swinging issue, we get along fine, we don't argue or fight, but when he tells me how much he wants it and why, and I try to express my opinion and what I feel it would do to us and our marriage, he makes lite of my views. He can't express why he wants this lifestlye in a way I can understand, to me, he either wants me or he dosen't.

but I wish someone would just tell me...

why does anyone has the right to keep forcing the issue and their views (why it's ok and not damanging) when the other person has said no?

why when a man knows the hurtful past of the woman he loves does he have the right to inflict that same pain (a 3sum) for the sheer fact that it proves he's the better man???

why does he or anyone else want this for the sheer fact (that he's told me) that having sex with someone other then your SO is fun, different, or strange???

If there is no emotional attachment, then what's the purpose of doing it???

What pleasure can anyone really possibly have watching the one you love having sex with someone else???

Isn't the sex you have susposed to be special, or be with someone that is special or at least feel something for them???

fun_pairTX · 10-20-2003, 07:59 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by ricndi032903
Well I can only guess I've offended a bunch of you and there's really nothing I can say or do, but say I'm sorry for bothering,

You aren't bothering anyone. You either don't listen or you don't want to hear the answers.

He can't express why he wants this lifestlye in a way I can understand, to me, he either wants me or he dosen't.

Your mind is already made up, William Jennings Bryan would see that debate on the issue is fruitless.

why does anyone has the right to keep forcing the issue and their views (why it's ok and not damanging) when the other person has said no?

He does this because he is an ASSHOLE, you are the one that can't see that.

why when a man knows the hurtful past of the woman he loves does he have the right to inflict that same pain (a 3sum) for the sheer fact that it proves he's the better man???

He does this because he is an ASSHOLE you are the one that can't see that.

If there is no emotional attachment, then what's the purpose of doing it???

BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD

What pleasure can anyone really possibly have watching the one you love having sex with someone else???

It is very erotic, either you can see it or you can't. If you can't then don't do it.

The problem that exists in your relationship over this issue is glaring. Your hubby won't be quiet and you ask for a discourse of debate that you have no intention of listening to anyway. Why do either of you bother to stay together if this is such a core issue to you?

Elusive BiFem · 10-20-2003, 08:35 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by ricndi032903

but I wish someone would just tell me...

And then you listed a litany of questions...all of which have been answered numerous times in this thread and others. To quote Fun_Pair...your husband is "an asshole." And you are looking to us to make it not so. You came here with preconceived ideas, closed to anything other than what you want to believe. No where on this board will you ever read that swinging is for everyone. Neither are hot dogs, pets, choices of partners...nothing is for everyone. Even those that enjoy swinging...it may be only at certain times in their lives...it may be an interest never acted on...it may be a frequent occurence.

Maybe the reason he is acting like such an "asshole" is because of your closed mind...your absolute refusal to see, hear, or consider anything other than what you want. But essentially, I see two people that are refusing to listen to each other on some real basic issues. Not a happy future, I'm afraid. Ya'll have more problems that can ever be addressed here.

- EBF

**Alura** · 10-20-2003, 09:45 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by ricndi032903
Well I can only guess I've offended a bunch of you and there's really nothing I can say or do, but say I'm sorry for bothering,

I'm not offended, Di. One of the things you asked is why we swing and many of us have tried to explain. Perhaps that's the mistake we've made. There's an adage among bikers about why people ride Harley-Davidsons. "If you understand, no explanation is necessary; if you don't understand, no explanation is possible."

But I'll say this much, NO, I've never had sex for the fun or thrill of it, I never had those thoughts, if it wasn't with someone that I loved or cared about, it just didn't happen, I never lived a sexually promisquisious lifestyle either. Also I'm not a natrual born cheater and if he wants another woman for his sexual satisfaction then he might as well move on, cause I am not about to give him my permission to have sex with someone, with or without my being there. (to me; it's still cheating)

Swinging is definitely not for you. There is a great deal of difference between having sex for fun and making love. If you consider all sex only for making love, that immediately rules you out. Tell your husband that in no uncertain terms.

It's hard for you all to understand that other then the swinging issue, we get along fine, we don't argue or fight, but when he tells me how much he wants it and why, and I try to express my opinion and what I feel it would do to us and our marriage, he makes lite of my views. He can't express why he wants this lifestlye in a way I can understand, to me, he either wants me or he dosen't.

He probably makes light of your views because he doesn't agree with them. I think most of the people who have answered your questions understand precisely what you mean. We just don't agree. He may also not fully understand why he wants to play. How much research into the lifestyle has he done?

but I wish someone would just tell me...

why does anyone has the right to keep forcing the issue and their views (why it's ok and not damanging) when the other person has said no?

No one has the right to nag when someone says, "No!" But you should be glad he doesn't just shut up. This way he makes you aware that the issue is not settled, at least not in his mind. There is a saying I heard in Germany; I was told it was said to Charlemagne by one of his lieutenants. "It is a deadly error to believe you have won your opponent over when all you have accomplished is to have silenced him."

why when a man knows the hurtful past of the woman he loves does he have the right to inflict that same pain (a 3sum) for the sheer fact that it proves he's the better man???

Well, it certainly does not "prove he's the better man." It's great for the ego and there are a lot of thrills involved but it doesn't prove jack shit. If he thinks it does, he has more problems than you and he know. He has no right at all to inflict pain.

why does he or anyone else want this for the sheer fact (that he's told me) that having sex with someone other then your SO is fun, different, or strange???

It's fun. But the "funnest" part is that we do it together. I refer you back to the Harley-Davidson question.

If there is no emotional attachment, then what's the purpose of doing it???

It's very different from making love. When we make love we're very emotional, deeply into each other, we seldom say more than "I love you." When we play with another couple, we laugh, we joke, we talk, we play, we have fun.

What pleasure can anyone really possibly have watching the one you love having sex with someone else???

I think pride has something to do with it. Mrs. Alura is a beautiful woman and a dynamite sex partner. I love her so much and I'm so proud of her!!! It's a similar feeling when my son makes a touchdown or brings home straight "A's". She's a great cook, too, and I'm proud of her when we have people over for dinner.

Isn't the sex you have susposed to be special, or be with someone that is special or at least feel something for them???

Believe me, the sex we have together is, indeed, special. It is nothing like what we do with others, although we need to be friends with them, too, so I guess you could say we "feel something special" for them. We've turned down a lot more people than we've played with, which, in my mind makes our playmates "special."

There is a book available called The Lifestyle. If you and he were to read it together, it might help you to understand what swinging is all about, if nothing else.

Again, our best to you and your husband. I sincerely hope you can work this out.

Mr. Alura

yawanna · 10-20-2003, 10:45 PM

Quote:

but I wish someone would just tell me...

Quote:

why does anyone has the right to keep forcing the issue and their views (why it's ok and not damanging) when the other person has said no?

They don't.

Quote:

why when a man knows the hurtful past of the woman he loves does he have the right to inflict that same pain (a 3sum) for the sheer fact that it proves he's the better man???

They don't.

Quote:

If there is no emotional attachment, then what's the purpose of doing it???

People do what works for them. Healthy people in healthy relationships don't participate in anything that puts their relationship at risk, unless they understand the risks, are in it together, and can weather, together, if it goes wrong. Because they will lean on each other and take it as a participatory adventure.

You, my dear, are none of those things. If your goal is to bash swinging, there are many sites out there you can access and this I fear isn't one of them. We wish you well but my personal feeling is you won't find what you need, crave, or are flummoxed about, on this site.

Always strikes me strange that anti swingers sometimes head STRAIGHT for a swinger site....

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10-14-2003, 04:27 PM	#18 (permalink)
Buck Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 173 Location: Austin Status: Couple	Right on Corwyn! Nuff said!

10-16-2003, 04:04 AM	#19 (permalink)
WildFlower Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 106 Location: Indiana Status: Couple	I totally agree with Corwyn. Well said.. Should have never started swinging if you did not want to do it in the first place. Never let people bully you into doing things you are not comfortable with.
	__________________ Living Life to the Fullest

10-19-2003, 09:31 PM	#22 (permalink)
OhioCouple Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Dec 2001 Posts: 6,619 Location: Ohio Status: Married Female	WOW, this is the first opportunity that I have had to read this thread. Hmmmph. First off, ricndi032903, I am somewhat offended by your not so subtle critizing of those of us that *choose* to live an alternative lifestyle. You came her asking for advice and you have had numerous posters, both male, female, couples and singles alike who have given you some excellent advice, all of which I agree with. I am the female half of OhioCouple, and I choose to be in this lifestyle. I enjoy it, my husband enjoys it and there are thousands of other people that do to, just in our tri-state area. Swinging is not for everyone, no question about it. There is nothing wrong with saying "Hey this just isn't for me"... your problems lie with the relationship of your husband. Because ya'll can't do what is best for *EACH OTHER*. Hands down, you need to get to a marriage counsler and if he won't go, then it's time to head for the attorney. I know that I for sure wouldn't live in this miserable state of affairs. That is reality and you aren't seeing it. There is an old favorite saying that my Grandaddy used to say... "If people keep telling you that you have a tail, you had better turn around and look". Right now you are having all these folks telling you that you have a serious marital problem, but you can't turn around to find it. It is quite obvious that we can't help you. Best of luck to you, Mrs. O
	__________________ Remember that human beings are complicated creatures. We like our bedtime routines but dislike routine in our bed times. - Sallie Foley, M.S.W.

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10-14-2003, 11:56 AM	#16 (permalink)
mrbandsatl For fun and each other... Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 248 Location: USA Status: Couple	Damn. What Corwyn said.

10-14-2003, 04:14 PM	#17 (permalink)
good times Mod Squad Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Posts: 6,919 Location: Reno, Nevada Status: Married to Mrs Good Times Swing Lifestyle Name:randp	When I read this post my thoughts were similar to corwyns but he stated those ideas much better than I could. Well said Corwyn. R

10-19-2003, 08:37 PM	#20 (permalink)
ricndi032903 Active Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 30 Location: PA Status: Couple	well it's obvious that the last few repiles didn't bother to read the other posts by me and why I was here, to gain a better understanding of this lifestyle and the why's that some people can't live without it, regardless of how I got here, it's pretty obvious that I am here, but what some of the last posters fail to understand is that I am not here by my own choice, for if it were by MY choice I've have nothing to do with this lifestyle, my husband is the one that brought it up and then wouldn't let it go when I begged, pleaded, cried, etc...... He is the one that wants to have sex with other people, NOT ME, and yes I may have failed at my worthless attempt to SHOW him what he was giving away, and yes again that failure is on me, and sorry to report but I have not used it as a weapon on him, it was a mistake to try and show an andict what he wants, cause it only made him want more without the cost of lossing what he says he's waited all his life for. ME. So who are you and why do you thoughtlessly pass your poor judgement on me and try to blame me for HIS wants and HIS pushyness???? If the situation was reversed and it was me that was wanting something that he didn't and if I knew how he felt, it would have never been brought up or pushed down this throat..... But it's ok to blame me, why not, right, what he wants is ok, what I want isn't. I have no rights according to the last few posters, that much is obvious and then blame me for his adiction. I'm perfectly satisfied with the man I married, I have no need to look elsewhere for sex or anything else. But ya know what , I do, and his manulipative games on praying on my past and my pain is over.

10-19-2003, 09:03 PM	#21 (permalink)
Elusive BiFem Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Dec 2002 Posts: 3,398 Location: Texas Status: Single Female	Bottom line, ricndi032903, you've gotta choice. Hold tight to your stance and go, or give up your way of thinking about swinging and stay. Regardless of what he may have told you in the early stages of your relationship, he's apparently telling you something different now. Either way, you have the choice. This board, while a discussion board for swinging, is not a place for solving serious marital issues and it sounds like ya'll have really serious issues. You may want to consider counseling - couples counseling. If he won't go, go alone. Again...a choice you need to make for yourself. Kind of sounds to me like you aren't doing much to help yourself. Maybe that's what you need to do first. Help yourself. Once you do that, the rest will fall into place. As for your other posts...those that responded, responded to THIS post and these comments, among others: So why don't some of the wifes that have been forced , manulipated or whatever stand up and say hell no, I would really like to know how many swinging wives are doing this to keep their husbands happy at their own expence. and why can't the men accept the wife's decision to have a normal marriage, why do they have to push and behave so badly when told no? cause to me the moment you step away from your SO you step away period. The above comments are your opinions, but obviously not the opinions of the many wives that post here and enjoy swinging. Read the many posts from the many females on this board. I don't think you will find many women here that feel they are being "forced." In fact, many women were the "instigators" of swinging. Simple as that. -EBF

10-19-2003, 09:31 PM	#23 (permalink)
Alura Just a hick Okie Join Date: May 2001 Posts: 8,144 Location: Tulsa, Oklahoma Status: Widower	When my wife and I first met, Di, we discovered an ability to communicate neither of us had ever known with another person. Twenty-three years later it's still there. We both had a lot of, yes, fun, with sex before we met each other and are both fully aquainted with the difference between "Making Love" and "sex for fun." Perhaps you never did that when you were single, but both of us did and both of us enjoyed it. Swinging, though not a central facet of our life, allows us to "have sex for fun" without the strong emotions involved in "making love." Although "Making Love" is the most important to both of us, we have learned we can have both without risking our relationship. We've found, also, that the ability to talk about sex with others removes any fear in communication. We are never afraid to bring up any subject because of a fear for how the other might react. I enjoy working on cars, getting my hands greasy. Mrs. Alura likes knitting, quilting, scrapbooking, things she keeps clean hands doing. She rides in my cars and I wear the sweaters she has knitted for me. I tried knitting once but found it very frustrating, couldn't keep the rows even or remember when I needed to knit or purl. I don't think she's ever worked on a car with me, something I'd really love, but I've never encouraged her to develop an interest. She does, however, help me clean the garage to get it ready to work on a car and helps me push the non-running cars around as needed. I guess that's our compromise. If your husband won't give up his interest in swinging, he needs a new wife; if you won't give the lifestyle any consideration at all, you need a new husband. If both of you refuse to compromise, that makes the problem unsolvable. Our best of luck to both of you. Mr. & Mrs. Alura

10-20-2003, 11:15 AM	#25 (permalink)
angihay Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Sep 2003 Posts: 124 Location: michigan Status: couple	I agree with most of the others who have posted, both partners have to be into it or it's no-way or us either. I also feel each person or cpl should make their own choices in their own lifestyles and many of us here choose to participate in this "crap" as you described it. If you are not into then your not so tell him if he doesn't listen keep telling him. I never agree to anything I don't want to agree to and have never given up my own free will in this life just to make him happy. If there are women out there who have I am very sorry for them. In this lifestyle if both partners are not into it they shouldn't be doing it but then again just my opinion I never criticize anyone else choices.

10-20-2003, 07:24 PM	#26 (permalink)
ricndi032903 Active Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 30 Location: PA Status: Couple	Well I can only guess I've offended a bunch of you and there's really nothing I can say or do, but say I'm sorry for bothering, But I'll say this much, NO, I've never had sex for the fun or thrill of it, I never had those thoughts, if it wasn't with someone that I loved or cared about, it just didn't happen, I never lived a sexually promisquisious lifestyle either. Also I'm not a natrual born cheater and if he wants another woman for his sexual satisfaction then he might as well move on, cause I am not about to give him my permission to have sex with someone, with or without my being there. (to me; it's still cheating) It's hard for you all to understand that other then the swinging issue, we get along fine, we don't argue or fight, but when he tells me how much he wants it and why, and I try to express my opinion and what I feel it would do to us and our marriage, he makes lite of my views. He can't express why he wants this lifestlye in a way I can understand, to me, he either wants me or he dosen't. but I wish someone would just tell me... why does anyone has the right to keep forcing the issue and their views (why it's ok and not damanging) when the other person has said no? why when a man knows the hurtful past of the woman he loves does he have the right to inflict that same pain (a 3sum) for the sheer fact that it proves he's the better man??? why does he or anyone else want this for the sheer fact (that he's told me) that having sex with someone other then your SO is fun, different, or strange??? If there is no emotional attachment, then what's the purpose of doing it??? What pleasure can anyone really possibly have watching the one you love having sex with someone else??? Isn't the sex you have susposed to be special, or be with someone that is special or at least feel something for them???