Husband wants to swing but I have doubts

Recently my husband has expressed the desire to swap with a couple that are friends of ours. We went out one night and apparently everyone was in on this except me and when I finally figured out was going on it too late and time to go home. We didn't swing that night, although my husband did do some heavy petting with his buddies wife. After that my husband and I discussed it. He would really like to do this and I feel that he is basically telling me that I don't satisfy him and he wants to be with someone else. I feel that if I don't do this with him he will go find someone else somewhere and then I won't know what he's doing, who he's doing, or where he's doing it. We have been together for 9 years and he has never brought up any desire to do anything like this before. I agreed to it, but I feel very unsure and insecure about it. What happens if we do this and after one party or the other gets jealous, or one person wants to do it again and the other one doesn't. What if he likes her better then he likes me. What happens if doing this wrecks our friendship with these people that we have become quite close to over the last year or so? I have several doubts and I don't know wether or not this is a good idea, but I know that I couldn't handle it if my husband was out screwing around on me behind my back, either. What should I do?

[BiloxiCouple]

Ya'll have alot of talking to do.

.

We went out one night and apparently everyone was in on this except me

Needed to talk here.

I feel that he is basically telling me that I don't satisfy him and he wants to be with someone else

Really need to talk here.

I agreed to it, but I feel very unsure and insecure about it

Need to talk about this also.

Probably getting close to needing professional counselling.

By what you have said here, swinging isn't going to fix your problems. Swinging will probably only intensify them.

I could give you LARGE paragraph after paragraph of help but you need to use your common sense and go from there.

[bear_n_bunny]

I'm new to all of this but I wouldn't even have considered swinging without a whole lot of trust and a whole lot of talk first. We spent hours discussing our feelings on every situation we could conceive of encountering. And then we thought about it some more and talked about it some more before ever placing our first add.

Must admit that I'm also bothered by your husbands approach to this. If it were me, my sense of trust would be a be touchy.

Mainly, if you are not sure of yourself, your feelings, your reactions, your desires or those of your husbands, I wouldn't go near an encounter. As Biloxi couple said, talk.

-- Bunny

[sepacouple]

Unregistered-

That does not sound like the start of a swinging lifestyle but more like someone who is giving you an ultimatum. Maybe could even be considered slightly abusive. Swinging for a couple can't work unless it is done as a couple. If he is out doing it on his own without you then that is usually called cheating.

[OhioCouple]

Unregistered,

Your post spells T-R-O-U-B-L-E, not anything remotely close to swinging is, or why swingers swing.

If you can get your hubby to do so, I suggest counseling as one other already posted. It seems there is a whole lot more going on here than just the hubby wanting to play with the buddies wife. Ya'll obviously haven't been able to communicate with each other, which is paramount in order to swing.

I wish you the best.

Mrs. O

[naughty A]

Hmmm I think things like this should be discussed AHEAD OF TIME not after... but too late for that now...

He would really like to do this and I feel that he is basically telling me that I don't satisfy him and he wants to be with someone else.

that's a pretty harsh view of yourself and your relationship ... you FEEL this but you don't KNOW this... this is something that needs to be discussed. Ask him what his motivations are... ask him lots and lots of questions... make sure he knows your feelings on these subjects too.

What happens if doing this wrecks our friendship with these people

Well that happens... a lot of people, myself included learn that the hard way... and from that point choose to make friends among swingers rather than swinging partners of friends. Sometimes it works out... but you can't know that in advance.

good luck...

[Elusive BiFem]

Originally posted by Unregistered
We went out one night and apparently everyone was in on this except me and when I finally figured out was going on it too late and time to go home. We didn't swing that night, although my husband did do some heavy petting with his buddies wife.

While in agreement with all other comments, I see double trouble in terms of the close friendship. This other couple was in on this, too? I would wonder how close this "close" friendship really is if I had been duped in this manner. So now you are left with some trust issues with your husband as well as your friends....

Like others have said, lots of talk and communication needs to be taking place before any more steps are taken towards swinging. And I really like what Naughty A said - your FEELINGS vs. his MOTIVATIONS. Sometimes feelings and realities are miles apart. -EBF

[CenTex 2]

I hate to tell you this but your husband was cheating with you in the room. If you were not in agreement before it happened then it is cheating and not even close to swinging.

[Alura]

If you can convince your husband to sit down with you and read the "New Swingers Forum," (and discuss what you read thoroughly) you may have a chance of working this out without counseling, especially if you, too, develop an interest and the two of you learn to communicate.

If not, I would suggest counseling. If he won't go, go alone. Communication is key to marriage, not just swinging. Without it, your marriage may be in serious trouble.

Ultimatums are rarely successful and never acceptable.

Best wishes and good luck!

Mr. Alura

[Tarnished Halo]

I feel a need to somewhat defend the author. I live in a small town. There are no services here. I would have to travel to a much larger city. It is quite time consuming, I have no guarantee of someone who might be able to help, or is open to counseling a couple considering swinging. It is expensive. If they don't both go, then I doubt if it is going to help them both. MAYBE her, but not as a couple. Ok then...what to do. If I had the answer, I'd be rich, but talking is certainly a good suggestion. This should have been discussed, but closing the barn door after the horse is out doesn't help the situation either. I am in "somewhat" of the same situation, although not nearly as desperate for some answers. The best I can offer is.....try to stay calm. That is really tough. Talk to as many people (like here) as you can. Really make the decision if this is something you might want to do. If this is a decision that you would like to do. And something that you CAN do. I don't know what your situation is, but I think that you wouldn't be reaching out if it were that easy. I know I am going to get a LOT of flak for this, but sorry guys, it's true. There are some situations where in order to give the guy what he needs, she may have to make some comprimze. By that I mean. Perhaps she would do the selection. Make sure that the agreements they reach are for HER comfort level. Do everything and anything that is going to make it workable for her! It's all well and good for us to say that she shouldn't be forced into choseing something that she doesn't want, but we don't know this lady's situation. Maybe there are very good valid reasons for her to consider doing something she might not want to do. We can't say. All we can do is support her if she is going to try something that we all know is iffy. Perhaps we could offer her something other than the very limited choices she has facing her. Personally, I really dislike seeing this, it tells me that there are guys out there who really are trying to force this on their spouse. No they shouldn't but they are. This doesn't make swinging "FUN", but a survival tactic. Let's not be too quick to give her a solution that she might not feel that she can take. Sometimes just being able to talk to someone who isn't going to get angry, is such a relief! She has to have people available to her that aren't going to judge her, or to give her advice she might not be able to take. With that, I hope that I haven't offended anyone on the board. I have been made quite welcome here, and wish to continue to get to know everyone, and throw my 2 cents in where I think it might help.

[wrnakedru]

The described situation is almost a replay of how first husband and I got into the lifestyle. He also decided we should be starting "fresh", so suggested we swap stories about anything each had done prior (in the sneak around and lie pattern). It didn't take long to cover my "close call" stories, but I think he would still be sitting there telling me stories. I could only listen to a bit at a time (actually caused me some physical pain). Soon he was busy taking us into the present, so I didn't have to listen to the stories from the past anymore. (Which made me feel naive, duped, and a degree of the pain never left)
I think my entry into the lifestyle was based on the knowledge he was going to continue doing as he pleased regardless. This was a chance to make it "shared" activity. I didn't particularly care for either choice, but thought perhaps the sharing part of it might make it work.
There was still an awful lot of it that went on for him that wasn't shared, and since the decision wasn't really a shared one either, it never was what I think it might have been.
Don't let yourself get painted into a corner, or forced into participation in something you don't feel good about. If the communication isn't top notch between you and hubby, and consideration of each other a primary building block, I think you are not going to find it to be very good for you either.
Back off from activity until the communication is GOOD and open and complete. As long as you are holding back telling him everything about how you feel, you cannot move forward.
Lifestyle activity doesn't kill a marriage - but unless you take care of the problems you have prior to entering it - it damned sure won't help make the marriage any better either.

[JustAskJulie]

Have you talked to him about your concerns. If not then you can't really expect him to listen. It sounds to me like you are just going along without even voicing your real feelings to him.

You also might want to ask him where these new feelings of wanting to swing have come from since he has never mentioned them before.

Basically, there needs to be a LOT of talking going on here. Losing/hurting your friendship with this other couple is really the least of your worries.

[WildFlower]

I think the friendship would survive if you all decided to play together since they already knew and your husband was petting heavily with the other woman and her husband showed no signs of jealously. But don't feel forced to do this if you are not comfortable. Do lots of talking and communication until you get things resolved. Should always take swinging at the slower persons pace. So again don't feel forced to do what you are not comfortable and if your husband loves you he will respect and understand that. Good luck.