We were swinging while dating, now married and she has changed her mind

[wereinheat]

We are in our 50's and have been married for 8 months. We knew each other and were together most of a year before marriage. Among many other topics we discussed the many facets of swinging many many times and we were in total agreement. We were involved in the life style most of the year we dated and activately participated in full swap swinging. Shortly after the wedding and for various reasons she decided she wanted us out of the life style. All of her reasons were discussed at lenght before and now she seems to have changed her position on each. I totally enjoy swinging and she was well aware of that before and said she felt the same. How much importance should I place on this situation? And if it were you, what would your position be?

Well, there wasnt anything about swinging in your wedding vows, was there? People have a right to changed their minds. If swinging isnt comfortable for BOTH of you, then it doesnt work. If it were me, I'd do a lot of talking with her to find out WHY she's become uncomfortable with the way your sex life is going. It seems that with my wife and I, often there are misunderstandings that are easily cleared up with enough discussion. That doesnt mean she'll change her mind, but it's still important to communicate.

[CanadianCouple]

Originally posted by wereinheat
We are in our 50's and have been married for 8 months. We knew each other and were together most of a year before marriage. Among many other topics we discussed the many facets of swinging many many times and we were in total agreement. We were involved in the life style most of the year we dated and activately participated in full swap swinging. Shortly after the wedding and for various reasons she decided she wanted us out of the life style. All of her reasons were discussed at lenght before and now she seems to have changed her position on each. I totally enjoy swinging and she was well aware of that before and said she felt the same. How much importance should I place on this situation? And if it were you, what would your position be?

I think a more important question should be, was your wife truly interested in this lifestyle, or was she going along with it until after you two were married? Tough question to ask and even tougher to face in your position, but something seems out of whack here. People who do a sudden about face on anything do so for a reason, and unless there's a pertinent factor in her change of heart you haven't disclosed in your post, I'd be dubious about her having been genuinely into this at all. Sorry, but from this vantage point that's the way it looks to me.

Dan

[DragonsLair]

I agree with CanadianCouple on this one. I don't think she was really into it either. Or does she feel it's a violation of your wedding vows?

I think the best thing you can do is talk about it. But don't pressure her. It may take a while before she can articulate her reasons to you. She might not even understand them now herself. Be patient and very supportive and loving.

Swinging may not be something she wants to do again. Are you willing to give it up for your relationship?

Best of luck with this. Please let us know how things work out for you both.

DragonsLair

He is T. I am A.

[BradAndJanet]

Well, you need to talk, that's for sure. I'm with Dan as well here and I wonder if she was just doing it for you. Only she can tell you though, we can't.

If it were me, I would hear her out and if she really didn't want to swing, I wouldn't, simple as that. To me swinging isn't worth losing a marriage over, if that was what you were asking.

-B

[JustAskJulie]

What Canadian Couple said basically mirrors the thoughts taht went through my head when I read your post.

I remember a few years back I had a friend who told me that prior to getting married he and his wife had a great sexual relationship (no swinging involved), but as soon as they got married the sex ended. She even told him after the fact that basically she knew she had to have sex with him to "get him" but now that she had him... it was done.

I guess I have to wonder if that's not what happened here. She knew how important swinging was to you so she agreed to it to keep you.

Did the two of you swing separately prior to getting together or was it something you started after the fact?

[Alura]

Well, I have to say I agree with Dan, DragonsLair and Brad. This situation seems to not be very unusual in marriage. Someone once said that a woman marries a man thinking he will change and he doesn't; a man marries a woman thinking she won't change and she does.

Good Luck and please keep us informed.

Mr. Alura

[OhioCouple]

I have to agree with CanadianCouple. What they posted mirrored my thoughts upon first reading your posting. I too question as Julie did, "Were you swinging prior to meeting each other?" I am also curious as to how your personal sex life with each other is. Do you make love as often as you have since you met each other? Has anything changed in that respect?

Something that comes to mind (I'll have to look for it) was another couple who had a turn about on swinging and sex in general. What it turned out to be after several years of a reluctance to participate in sex was that the female was having discomfort when it came to sex and was afraid to let him know it. Instead what she did was show a complete lack of interest. Eventually the problem was found and their sexual lives returned to normal, (I can't remember if they resumed swinging or not.) This couple was in the 40 plus age group and apparently the problems were not uncommon for older women.

Just something else to think about.

Lori

[THTS]

I call BULLSHIT on this one. Wedding vows are NOT the entire premise of your marrigae but TRUST is and it sounds like she broke it.

Sounds like you were lied to and sold a bill of goods.

I have been through a similar situation and moved in with a girl who led me to beleive she was MUCH more sexually open than she actually is... now that Im stuck there I find out how insecure and sexually repressed she actually is.

Good luck to you... hopefully you can work it out

[joseph3d]

Did anything happen to her while you were swinging as a couple that could have made her feel insecure or jealous?

The puzzle pieces don't fit. I don't think we have the complete picture. Or perhaps, I am just not seeing it.

[ciscosv]

Have the conversation for an explanation first.

The bottom line is what is more important?

Your marriage or swinging. Good luck.

[Nymph an' Satyr]

Hmmm.....

You
"Your honor, we wish to divorce because of irreconcilable differences."
Judge
Well Mr. Wereinheat, just what are those differences?
You
"I'm partial to MFMFMFMF orgies, and my wife isn't."

I'm not trying to be too flip here, but consider a VERY good lawyer.....

[wereinheat]

Thanks for the imput guys..Well at least thanks for most of it. There was a little sarcasm here and there.
There is no doubt she misled me but that is not really the problem. We were in swinging together and I had some experience earlier in life but it was new to her. While we were swinging she was really into it and look forward to each encounter. She was an eager partitipant in open, same room full swap. I love her and will stay with this regardless of the swinging issue but if we dont ever get back into the life style I think I will always feel cheated. I enjoyed it a lot and I dont think we would have ever reached the marriage stage had she not also been into it. I thought I had found my soul mate after a very long search and found swinging brought a closness I had never before experienced. That closeness has demished. Again thanks for the words of wisdom.

[`Aro]

And think of what you said about feeling "cheated".

As a participant in a previous 22 yr marriage ( i prefer victim to participant ) I can say..that any feelings you have about her changes after marriage will only grow on you. Thats just a fact of life. If you resent that cheated feeling now..do you think it will get better or worse over time??

If you cant live with yourself..you cant live with anyone else.

[ciscosv]

All you can do is have a chat with the Mrs. I can't help feeling that you married your wife because she grooved swinging.

I will say that that this lifestyle is great, but my wife is alot more important. I'd feel cheated if she said no to marrying me.

Good luck.