a selfish husband contemplating divorce

[texmo]

I joined this community today because I am looking for some anonymous advice, and I'm sure you will be able to help me.

My wife and I have been married for 6 years, and knew each other for 8 months before we got married. We used to be religious Christian conservatives, and we met and married each other while attending a private faith-based university that we were both attending. Life was innocent back then. We followed the expectations of our religious community, one that stresses the importance of family values. She was 8 months pregnant with our first child on our first anniversary. We had a second child about a year ago. Since that child was born, we have both had an "awakening" of sorts, and we have abandoned our faith.

This was exhilirating, because it opened a new world of possibilities for us. Among those possibilities was the idea that we could have sex with other people, and there was no God or church to judge us for it. I understand that many people in the lifestyle remain religious and God-fearing people, but our circumstances and thought processes are different now. We have now been swinging for about 7 months, and have thoroughly enjoyed it. I thought we would continue in the lifestyle indefinitely, but now my wife wants to quit.

I've read most of the threads on this board dealing with a spouse that wants to quit (usually the wife) and have read the advice given. I understand that swinging is a partnership, and that if one person in the partnership wants to quit, then that's the end of the discussion. Marriage means devoting yourself to your spouse.

The problem that I am facing is that I no longer embrace monogamous relationships like I did when I still maintained my religious faith. I now feel like I am a man of the world, and I want to experience everything that the world has to offer. I have realized that my wife does not wish to join me on such a journey. I want to experience a variety of women and get to know a variety of people. I don't think that I can be happy if I remain with my wife. I don't understand her. I am contemplating divorce.

What advice can you folks give me on this? I can understand if your first reaction is, "Hey, this guy is abandoning his wife and family just so he can get his rocks off!" but its a lot more complicated than that. It's more about wanting to experience life, and realizing that I can't do that with my spouse.

[Alura]

Texmo wrote:

I don't understand her.

In my opinion, Texmo, your first goal should be to understand your wife. Whether that would require a series of deep conversations or counseling is a choice y'all must make.

Has your wife reverted to religion? What, exactly, is the reason she wants to stop playing?

Yes, to divorce your wife and traumatize your kids just because she wants to quit playing seems to be pretty selfish to me. Are there, perhaps, other reasons that make you believe you can no longer be happy with her?

There is a lot more to learn here, by you in order to choose the right course of action and by the members of this board before we can give sage advice.

Alura

[2chase3]

Just to give you a piece of advice from experience, once you feel you have exhausted every avenue of reconcilation. Step back and seek another angle.

Giving your religious background I know the exact same feeling, you feel like life is wasting away and you are missing out, What crazy stories are you going to tell your grand childern right? But honestly Fate, Religous belief or Charma, which ever you believe has a twisted way of turning around and Biting you square on the ass.

I got so tired of hearing that one liner "The grass isnt always greener" one. But guess what, there is some serious truth in that catch phrase. Take a step back and look at the things you enjoy in your life at the moment. How many will no longer be there or the ones you might have taken for granted. You dont truly miss them till they are gone.

Now I dont know your whole situation, as there could be other issues which might come into play ,where your former partner is not a equal balance and the best alternative is divorce. But if you are basically baseing your divorce on the idea your wife is no longer interested in swinging. Yes sir, you are selfish and you better grab on to the decent things in your life before they are taken from you.

[sigh35]

I smell pre-mature mid-life crisis Starting today, take one year of your life (not that long in the grand scheme of things) and focus on what you do have and not on what you think you are missing out on. I have lived in the same small town for all my 35 years, I have never lived anywhere else and have only traveled to two neighboring states. I hate that! But I would not throw away my family to embark on a more adventurous life. If you were diagnosed with cancer tomorrow, and given one year to live, would you want to spend that year having meaningless recreational sex or with those that truly love you? Think about it. Swinger sex is an activity not a purpose.

[texmo]

Originally Posted by Alura

Has your wife reverted to religion? What, exactly, is the reason she wants to stop playing?
Alura

No, she hasn't. Her reasons are still unclear to me. From what I can gather, it's that she doesn't feel close to me anymore, and she doesn't want to "take one for the team." I don't expect her to.

Originally Posted by Alura

Yes, to divorce your wife and traumatize your kids just because she wants to quit playing seems to be pretty selfish to me. Are there, perhaps, other reasons that make you believe you can no longer be happy with her?

This is more of an early mid-life crisis, as sigh35 said. That's absolutely what it is, and I could have said that in the first place. This means that it has less to do with swinging than a desire to experience more.

[texmo]

Originally Posted by 2chase3

Giving your religious background I know the exact same feeling, you feel like life is wasting away and you are missing out, What crazy stories are you going to tell your grand childern right? But honestly Fate, Religous belief or Charma, which ever you believe has a twisted way of turning around and Biting you square on the ass

I am a bitter anti-religious person now because of this. It will take some time to heal.

Originally Posted by 2chase3

I got so tired of hearing that one liner "The grass isnt always greener" one. But guess what, there is some serious truth in that catch phrase. Take a step back and look at the things you enjoy in your life at the moment. How many will no longer be there or the ones you might have taken for granted. You dont truly miss them till they are gone.

That sounds like a classic Cinderella rock song from the 80's. I suspect that you're right.

Originally Posted by 2chase3

Now I dont know your whole situation, as there could be other issues which might come into play ,where your former partner is not a equal balance and the best alternative is divorce.

She was unequal from the beginning. I married her for the wrong reasons, reasons that were dictated by my religious upbringing. I couldn't have sex before marriage, and I was horny. As I was considering marrying her, red flags were going off in my head, but I ignored those red flags and took the plunge.

We approached swinging because both of us wanted to experience more. I think one thing that could have happened is that once she experienced it, and realized for herself that there wasn't much to it, she decided that she no longer wanted to do it. She is done playing around, but I have only just begun.

[BiloxiCouple]

Marriage counselling.

[Genie]

Been there, done that !! Your sexual urges won't go away just because you try to ignore them. Sex is not everything in life, but it's always a part of life....you can't ignore it.
I'm sorry I don't have the answer for you. Marrying for the wrong reason is a bitch!
It's so much more complicated when you have kids. It takes years for other people to understand our reasons for doing what we do. Wish I could have been of some help...
Genie

[Alura]

Texmo wrote:

I am a bitter anti-religious person now because of this. It will take some time to heal.

It could be worse. You could be a dedicated student at Oral Roberts University right now. Talk about having the rug pulled from under you...

Seriously, I still believe you need to explore your problems with your wife before breaking your family. I spent fifteen years single after my divorce (no children) before I learned to communicate and met my wife. The disappointments were many and varied during that time of my life. Sex was not regular by any means!

Is there any chance you could get your wife to join us in this discussion? How does she feel about being a single mother? How do you feel about another man raising your children using your money?

Mr. Alura

[texmo]

Originally Posted by Genie

I'm sorry I don't have the answer for you. Marrying for the wrong reason is a bitch!
It's so much more complicated when you have kids. It takes years for other people to understand our reasons for doing what we do. Wish I could have been of some help...

It helps to know that I'm not the only one. Thanks Genie.

Originally Posted by Alura

Is there any chance you could get your wife to join us in this discussion? How does she feel about being a single mother? How do you feel about another man raising your children using your money?

She claims that she won't under any circumstances marry another person for as long as she lives. I tend to believe her, although she could definitely change her tone when she feels lonely. As for myself, I am not interested in completely abandoning my children. I would probably share the child-rearing responsibility with her, as she does not ever wish to be a single mother. I am more concerned about my love life (and sex life) than the situation with my kids.

[sigh35]

I'm sorry

[texmo]

Originally Posted by sigh35

I'm sorry

Let me clarify. I didn't mean that my love life is more important than my kids. What I meant was that I am having trouble coping with my love life situation, and that my troubles have nothing to do with my kids. I love my kids.

[celtic239]

texmo - I can only give you the following advice. Life is NOT always about being content and happy. When people get married and have children you sacrifice many if not all of your"wants" in life. What I like about people that I have met in the lifestyle is that they are the most down to earth and honest people I have ever met. The lifestyle is about 'recreational' sex, not love nor committment. You may have friends in the lifestyle but that relationship will never be able to replace that between a father who is always home to help the kids with the homework or take the trash out for the spouse.

[texmo]

Originally Posted by celtic239

You may have friends in the lifestyle but that relationship will never be able to replace that between a father who is always home to help the kids with the homework or take the trash out for the spouse.

celtic, I am with you here. I understand what is at stake. I have thought about my situation and analyzed it from every angle. I have thought about the consequences of leaving my spouse and the impact it would have on my two children. My wife and I have had lots of recreational sex over the last 7 months, and it was never intended to replace the relationship between my wife and me. It's just that the lifestyle had some unintended consequences. It has awakened in me a desire for more.

I spoke with my wife tonight. She told me a lot of things that were painful for me to hear. She feels like her efforts to create a family life--supporting me when I was in school, ravaging her body by having two children, cooking, cleaning, ironing my shirts, etc., she feels like it was all a waste. She is regretting the life she has had with me. And who could blame her? I am not trying to make excuses for myself.. I am just being real. This is a shitty situation.

Anyway, I appreciate the responses that I have gotten so far on this thread. All great reminders and important things to consider.

[TheDeal]

I think first off; you need to take a moment and look inside and ask yourself if you are in love and really wanting to make things work. Have you already decided (in your heart) that you no longer wish to be with your wife? Are you longing to be free and feel nothing other than feelings for your kids? My point is, if you have made this choice in your heart; then no advice from anyone will change that. EVERYONE deserves to have the absolute BEST from there spouse or SO! I know I love my wife stronger than I ever thought I could. Everything I do is for her. She is my best friend. We all need and deserve that. Your wife does and so do you. If you are really still in love with her and the feelings are mutual, then you will find away to understand her, and she you.

I will say that open sex is pretty freaking scary to the person who doesn't not want that. I do believe it to be a relationship milestone. I also believe that when one wants to and the other does not, somebody obviously has to let go of what they want. That is a death nail or rather can be. People are people, and one thing that's hard to do is shut off your wants or dreams.

I did NOT want to do this when my wife suggested it. I was scared as shit! She said we did not have to do it and that she would let it go. I knew however, from that moment I would always feel I was holding her back. I made the choice to find a way to let go of my fears and go through this with her. It worked, for me. We are stronger and have a fantastic set of playmates. It ended up being a compromise as we are playing with our best friends, but we did find away through it. AND, I would never have done this if I had not loved my wife sooooo much.

ooops, sorry for the rant.