Husband of the other couple is dragging his feet...

[ts4]

Hello all. Feel a bit depressed this morning.

My wife and i got involved with some friends of are's and everything seemed to be fine. My wife, the other woman and myself are all still on board but for some reason the husband of the other couple is dragging his feet. His wife is all gung ho and still very much interested in playing but for the life of us we all cannot figure him out. He won't be honest with any of us concerning why he's now seems to be uninterested. In the begining i thought i would be the one dragging my feet but instead it comes from the one person we all never thought would.

I understand that it's hard when emotions get involved in this but for us there has to be a connection or it's not going to be fun at all. We are not ones that can just go out and find a couple, do them and continue on. We wanted so desperately to find like minded, clean healthy people to play with and we thought we had found them. So much for that.

What i'd like to hear is thoughts on other's that have had similiar experiences and how they fought through it. Whether you just got the heck out or found a way to fix it. Like i said he won't express enough to have us help him through this time. He keeps telling us that he want's to take it slowly and all of us are willing to take it as slow as him. The frustrating part is he won't say yes or no to continueing playing.

Thanks for looking.

[subtoMistressT]

I think you have to respect the other guys desires. Slow it down. He may come around. He may not. By all means you have to keep the discussion open. He may just need to work through some of his own emotions, everyone else seems to have had a grand time. Everyone is different. We have found this to happen on more than one occasion for first timers. Either he or she had a good time but found out that their emotions, whatever they are struggling with, respect his need for space.

[iapr]

Welcome to the wonderfull world of swinging. Getting 4 people to all click enough is the hardest thing to accomplish and in your case this isn't happening. There could be 1001 reasons he is dragging his feet and it doesn't really matter to you which one or 100 reasons it is because there probably isn't a thing you can do to fix it.

You give the impression that these are traditional friends of some sort and not swingers you have met at the club or off a website. If that is true you need to cut your losses and try to preserve the friendship as best you can and look for swinging buddies elsewhere.

This is going to be a sexist statement but it is still the reality. It is usually the female half that is the slower one of a pair and often with patience and communication and finding the right connections and combinations you can get her into a comfort zone and things can progress. If it is the male half that is foot dragging it is because there is something preventing him from going forward and whatever it is you do NOT want to be a part of it. If a male has a willing partner but isn't wanting to swing with a couple there is only a couple reasons for that. one is he is not interested in or attracted to the other female half at all or there is some kind of problem and that problem is probably within the dynamics of that couple (MAJOR RED FLAG!!!) and has nothing to do with you and isn't something that you can fix.

Either way you are dead in the water so just get out and move on before something bad happens.

[graygo98]

Originally Posted by ts4

Hello all. Feel a bit depressed this morning.

What i'd like to hear is thoughts on other's that have had similiar experiences and how they fought through it. Whether you just got the heck out or found a way to fix it.

And good morning to you, too.

Early on we met a couple and without getting into a lot of details the situation developed much like you describe. At some point we came to feel that it just wasn't going to happen. It seemed like the moment had passed. We met other people and just moved on. It wasn't like a really conscious decision: "That's it, we're cutting this off." More like so much baggage had built up that it just got too complicated.

While we sometimes chat with them, we now have no real desire to hook up. Don't know why. Maybe because it would never be as exciting with them now as it was in those early days of intense anticipation.

So, don't be depressed. Don't worry about "fixing it." Enjoy it for the wonderful and exciting experience it was and move on.

[confunktion]

Agreed with those above. It's now a learning experience - something you can build off of for the future. No need for you to wait any longer here - cordially make your way to the next exciting experiences that await you. Best of luck.

Mr. Funk
Always looking forward to what's around the bend.

[ts4]

Well it's pretty much over and as far as i'm concerned it's pretty much my first and only time. I cannot understand what the hell happened. The couple in question, for whatever reason, has a very difficult time in communicating. They *want* it but something in there relationship must have come to the surface. The male part of this whole situation, for what we can get out of him, is concerned somewhat about his ego? He will not expand on it at all.

Realistically it's been over for nearly a month now. Yesterday i basically said for my wife to just tell the guy it's over so he can relax. The real sad sad thing is it was going so well and for whatever reason it just turned. Like i said there's 3 people as far as i can tell that are ready to roll and one that isn't. But i won't roll with just 3. It has to be all 4 or nothing.

In the end whether it's right or wrong emotions to mix into all this. For people that are new to this how the heck do some of you jump out and try again after something like this? I think my wife is severly turned off by the whole thing right now. She is so disappointed right now it's like i'm taking care of 3 children!

iapr, you hit it right on the head with your post. Run like hell!

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by ts4

For people that are new to this how the heck do some of you jump out and try again after something like this? I think my wife is severly turned off by the whole thing right now. She is so disappointed right now it's like i'm taking care of 3 children!

First, don't worry about the other two - that's water under the bridge now. As for your wife and her feelings over the disappointment and being turned-off by this thing, she's the one you should care about. She has a right to feel this way. Try to be understanding. Be on her team.

That other couple was just two people on the planet. There are so many others. You don't have to jump out and try again right now. When you and your wife are both ready, just agree to what you're both comfortable with in the way of meeting new people and go from there. When you're ready to just get out and mingle (no expectations), I'd suggest trying local clubs or meet-and-greets if possible. There, you can meet lots of people all at once in various stages of the lifestyle and see who you might connect with. Also, try one or more of the better online personals sites like SwingLifestyle or Swappernet.

It's an entirely different experience when you meet real swingers, vs. trying to create a situation with friends who aren't in the lifestyle.

Remember not to pressure your wife. Feeling upset about how wrong things went doesn't make her a "child". If she needs a break from all this and needs time to think, let her. Does she read this board, too? Maybe reading here will help her get out of her turned-off state when she sees what swinging can be, with the right people and the right situations.

Good luck to you both.

[VegasLee]

First thing to remember is that this Lifestyle is NOT for everyone and from reading what you have stated you might want to think real hard about that.

You have expressed that you are depressed and that you feel you are taking care of three children just because some guy does not want to have sex with your wife. That you have let way to many emotions get involved in something that is supposed to be fun. So far I don't see where the fun comes in here for you.

You are going to find that there is more people out there that don't want to have sex with you and your wife then do want to. If you are going to go down the same road that you have this time you are going to have a very unhappy life in this Lifestyle.

Finding four people that like each other enough to want to have sex together is a very tough thing and even harder if you are wanting some emotional attachment to go along with it. One turn down and you are already feeling that you can not go on in this lifestyle? You may be right. It may be time to sit back and figure out if this is really for you at all.

This is supposed to be something that adds excitement and pleasure to your main relationship and it appears to be adding a great deal of stress and disappointment.

Good luck to you and yours but I would stop and reexamine why you are looking into this Lifestyle at all at this point in your life.

[spectraschain]

Originally Posted by the voice of reason

Remember when swinging was about having sex?

May be a sig. line, but could very well be a sticky...

Where have you been all my life???

[cataryna]

Do you remember how hard it was when you were single and dating and finding that ONE person to click with? Now double that! it's hard enough finding one person you click with...much less finding 4 that all click.

This is the first time you have faced this situation...it will not be your last. As someone else said, not everyone you will meet will want to have sex with you and your wife. Try not to let it discourage you. If you go into this lifestyle thinking you're going to have sex with every person you meet you are destined to fail. Take your time with your potential playmates and don't expect that a one time experience will always lead to a second or permanent play partners.

You said the guy had "problems with his ego", which to me would mean his confidence level isn't at the level that it needs to be at in order to succeed in the lifestyle. Or he could simply be the kind of man that can't emotionally handle the thought that another man could possibly please his wife as much or more than he can. In my opinion, a lot of men are like that...it's that whole macho thing. I think it's much easier for women to get over their ego issues than it is for a man. (please don't slam me guys lol).

Take this as a learning experience, not as a rejection. Some couples just can't handle it...obviously this is one of those couples.

Renee

[OnHArry]

Originally Posted by ts4

Hello all. Feel a bit depressed this morning.

but for the life of us we all cannot figure him out. He won't be honest with any of us concerning why he's now seems to be uninterested. In the begining i thought i would be the one dragging my feet but instead it comes from the one person we all never thought would.


Like i said he won't express enough to have us help him through this time. He keeps telling us that he want's to take it slowly and all of us are willing to take it as slow as him. The frustrating part is he won't say yes or no to continueing playing.

Thanks for looking.

There are times when I am frustrated ,(male half here) and not wanting to go forward and for the life of me, I was unable to articulate why. I don't think he is being dishonest simply he does not know, it happens.

I right now for example am wanting to get out of this altogether, for a munber of reasons, the unanswered IM's from people who contacted us in the first place, the assorted mixed nuts that turn up occaasionally and the odd bit of drama. Sometimes you feel waht is the point, it is supposed to be fun.

It doesn't help of course that I havwe been working six days a week since last summer on rotating shifts and am just plain tired.

Take care of your wife, she is the one who needs and deserves your attention. Maybe swinging isn't for you, be prepared to accept that.