Do you think your biggest fear is jealousy?
Ok, so yes I'm back. I can't recall if I've ever revealed much about my current circumstances so here goes, and I'll try to be brief and clear.
I've been involved with my boyfriend for about 2 1/2 yrs. We are both early 40's. He knows me and knows me WELL! HE has an interest in swinging, ( he has experienced the lifestyle in the past, the very distant past). I on the other hand have never swung. He approached me about this for the first time about 9 months ago, ( when I first registered here, lol). My INITIAL reaction? DEVASTATION! I was practically comatose for well over a week! Now, don't get me wrong, I am VERY openminded sexually, but this suggestion was just a little over the top for me. I came here to this site trying to learn, trying to understand, DESPERATE for both!
I don't judge, and I CAN understand many aspects of this lifestyle, there are many positives, but there ARE negative aspects as well. He KNOWS my feelings towards the 2 of us becoming involved in the lifestyle, ( knowing me like he does I'm actually very surprised that he even approached me about it, but I'm glad that he shared his thoughts with me). I love this man TO DEATH, we're very connected on many different levels.
WHY AM I SO OPPOSED TO GIVING THIS A TRY?? In a nutshell I'll TRY to express my thoughts and feelings. I AM WAAAAAAAAAY TOO EMOTIONAL, too much of a "romantic", so to speak. When he makes love to me, I get soooo HOT, as in "temperature" hot, in my pussy, ( sorry to be vulgar, but I'm just saying it like it is), and soooo WET! I can't feel the significant "change in temperature", but HE CAN, he says it feels like somebody has spilled a hot hot cup of coffee in his lap. My body responds to his actions this way because of what's going on in my head, and also what I'm feeling in my HEART for him. Put me in a situation where a DIFFERENT man is doing the VERY same things to me.......and my body WOULD NOT respond in the same way. Because there just wouldn't be the same things going on for me in my head and heart. ( God, I hope that made sense!?) And don't get me wrong, I DO understand the difference between "fucking" and "making love". There's a time and place for both.
This is getting a little wordy, but please persist with me, this is helping me a little, just making this post . Now I KNOW how much he loves me, and theres no doubt in my mind how much he enjoys our activities in bed, ( well, maybe that's not quite true, I guess in fact I've come to question JUST how much he enjoys me in bed, because of this swinging issue). Like I said before, I'm VERY open minded, I'll try just about anything, as long as it's with HIM, I trust him, and I know that he's only interested in seeing MY enjoyment! I can't believe that he could stomach seeing me do the things that I do with HIM, with another man. And as for me, IF we were ever to do this, ( swing ), I'd have to SERIOUSLY squash down alot of feelings and emotion, to see him play with another woman, even though in my head I'd know it was just a "fuck".
I can't wrap my mind around the "relationship" aspect of swinging. That's relationship as in the one that 2 couples have together. I'D FEEL LIKE JUST ANOTHER PUSSY, yaaaa, a piece of meat, to be USED.
He makes references to it, ( swinging), occasionally, not often. The last time he did, we were in bed, I was SERIOUSLY wrapped up in what he was doing to me, he had his hand on my pussy, ( sorry again, lol), and he made some sort of reference to possibly "SHARING", I can't remember the exact sentence, or context, but there was no doubt as to what he was implying. I SHOULD HAVE stopped things right there, approached him about it, in my head I was thinking......"Is he out of his f**king mind, bringing THAT up, at a time like this!?!!!!????) But like I said, I was seriously enjoying myself at that moment, and chose to let it go, (yaaa, no self discipline here! lol).
Ok, wrapping this up now! IT IS KILLING ME THAT HE HAS THIS WANT/NEED THAT I CAN'T HELP HIM FULFILL! I'M DYING INSIDE. I want soooo badly to open my mind to the potential pleasure involved, the new experience, ( I'm very curious by nature, and usually WELCOME new experiences). He has made me question a large part of myself, my sexuallity. He has made me feel very SEXUALLY SQUARE.....and BELIEVE ME, I'M FAR FAR FROM THAT!! I'm actually very close to saying, "Ok, I want to try it, I'm all over it, I HAVE TO DO THIS!".....just so I could say, been there. done that, didn't like it, so can we now please put this behind us?? OR, I could say, "I can't, but if you ever have the opportunity, go for it!"
I could keep going, I have more, ( if ya can believe that!), this can be a very difficult issue to discuss with others, your all I have, so let me hear your thoughts!
Do you think your biggest fear is jealousy?
Sure, I suppose that's probably a part of it, but definately NOT my biggest fear, this is a multi facceted issue for me, it can't be summed up with just that 1 word.Originally Posted by havefuninsun
Sounds to me like you're definitely not ready to try it out, and that's OK!
You need to tell HIM all this stuff you've just typed out. What guy wouldn't be flattered to know that you get literally feverish at his touch, and worry no other man could do that for you? If it "devastates" you to think about sharing him or yourself with anyone but each other, you're nowhere near taking the leap. Because if you do it anyway, while you're still feeling so torn about it, you're going to experience all sorts of negative emotions. Rejection, jealousy, loss, etc. And no orgasm - his or yours - is going to be worth that.
Take your time, talk to him, and try to feel at peace with your thoughts and decisions on the subject. It's your body and your heart - you gotta do what YOU gotta do.
I have to say that your post sounds EXACTLY like me about 8 months ago! LOL Now we are happy swingers. I think the fact that you are already sexually adventurous, and are even here in this forum, suggests you might want to give this a try but are worried about your reaction.
First, take a deep breath. You don't have to decide today. I had every anxiety you describe and then some. We have been taught to be offended if our significant other notices another woman, but that's perfectly natural. (WE notice too don't we! LOL) We are created to be sexually attracted to each other!
Also, I finally realized that there is a big difference between chemistry and love. This took some experience to grasp. I have had playmates where the chemistry was off the charts but it STILL isn't as good as it is with my husband. We know each other inside and out. He is a part of my soul. We connect in a way that makes sex together on an entirely different level than it could ever be with a playmate. I think that alone was the biggest suprise to me. I could have sex with a guy that was completely my type, and be incredibly turned on by it, but it STILL wasn't the same. It was fantastic, just not the same. Figuring out that it is the same way for my husband was an "aha" moment. Playmates are fun, but playing has made us even MORE aware of how special we are to each other.
I know that may not make much sense. And others, far more experienced than I, can give their view as well. Take your time and don't rush into anything. When you're ready to give it a whirl wait until you find the right couple. The best to you!
If it wasn't for the "girlfriend" reference, I'd have thought (wished?) my wife typed this.
Definately don't go flying into this just because you want to be able to say "see? I hated it!". That could seriously damage your relationship.
Sit down and talk to him. I promise it doesn't have anything to do with you not satisfying him enough. Swinging is another aspect of your relationship TOGETHER. He isn't going to go and find someone else just for him. He brought it up because he wants to be honest and open and tell you what he's been feeling and thinking.
You should do the same. Sit down. Tell him exactly WHY this is so disturbing to you. Ask him what his previous experiences were like...maybe him giving you some insider info will help. Please talk to him. I think you'll feel better that you did.
Sounds like swinging is not for you.........yet
Don't do it if you're not ready
I haven't read any of the other posts yet, because I want to keep thing clear in my head and not forget to mention everything I'm thinking.
First of all, welcome back to the board. Glad to see you! You really don't need to convince us that you're open-minded. Being open-minded does NOT mean being permissive or necessarily agreeing with what we do. It just means that you are giving an idea its day in court. If you can't agree with it, you just can't, and belittling yourself for not doing a cannonball into a pool you have no interest swimming in just doesn't make sense. I'll mention more about that in a minute...
Hoo boy, does THIS sound familiar! You sound like me. I was pretty hurt and very confused that he would ask this of me, but then I discovered that he wasn't actually asking anything of me; he was offering me a pretty unique and selfless gift.Originally Posted by Babysteps
It might help us to better understand where you're coming from if you can tell us what you feel the negative aspects are. Most of us you're hearing from think swinging rocks. For example, my idea of swinging's biggest drawback is that no one out there understands it, and it's really difficult to find friends who don't get pissed off at you when you can't sympathize over their husband's wandering eye. We just don't 'get' jealousy anymore, why people make such a big deal of it. Now to me, that's a drawback. I'm on here as much as I am because I've found a little pool of like-minded people, and it's too bad we all live so far apart.Originally Posted by Babysteps
It's probably because he thinks so much of you that he mentioned it. He wants an honest relationship with you, and this is an expression of his love and trust in you. Seems backwards, but it's true. Men who are successful in the lifestyle are lacking something alright: a big ego. It's a bit like they're saying, "My wife/girlfriend is too much woman than any one man has a right to keep all to himself. She's too awesome to be kept caged up. I'd rather see her in her natural habitat than keep in captivity." Your man is a purist. He sees you in a way you don't yet see yourself: as a woman who commands sexual attention and respect, who leaves a trail of spent men in her wake. He sees you as a goddess and he just doesn't feel that he has a right to manage your sexuality for you. He doesn't even want to. He wants you to take it back and use it. If you really are unhappy to be given back the freedom to do as you please, you just need to explain to him exactly why.Originally Posted by Babysteps
It sounds a bit like you know how to separate love and sex, but you just don't want to. And that's cool. When we were actively swinging, we noticed the same thing. It just isn't possible for us to "make love" to our swing partner like we do with one another because there's just nothing there! It's just fun friction. But the fun of non-emotional sex with other partners isn't enough for me to want to get into the lifestyle. I love knowing that Mr. intuition is out there being his sexually voracious self. He's just too good to keep all to myself! So I get the satisfaction of knowing he's an awesome lover, is able to please other women and leaves them asking me "Does he have a brother?" One of the things I love about the lifestyle is knowing that any other woman can "do her worst" in an attempt to steal Mr. intuition from me. Her most potent weapon (so she thinks) is her sexuality. But instead of ensnaring Mr. intuition's heart, he just says "Thank ye ma'am."...and so do I. There's just no way for sex to screw up our marriage anymore, and that's a pretty good feeling.Originally Posted by Babysteps
This isn't boredom or dissatisfaction with you. It's a bit like playing with a Lego set. You guys have played with the Lego set you've got for a while now, and you're running out of new things to build. But the creative juices are flowing and he's got a few ideas about new configurations...if only he had an add-on set to add to the Lego set you've got already...Or more hands, mouths, etc. Wow, can you imagine that? Just think of all the possibilities! It's like taking something that 2D and making it 3D! It's not that he doesn't have fun with just you (after all, you two have the coolest Lego set going). He's just thinking that this amplifies the fun you two have together. But if it's just not fun for you, then that defeats the purpose.Originally Posted by Babysteps
Okay, do NOT do move forward if you feel this way. His whole point is to see you enjoying yourself and feeling more liberated. He doesn't want you to martyr yourself for his sake. Trust me, the sex-with-other-women thing is just not as important to him as you're imagining it is. If he's anything like Mr. intuition, it's just a nice plus. If he knew that you would be hurt by seeing him with another woman, I would sincerely hope he would never do that. He can stomach seeing you with another man because what he sees is you...not the other man. I love to see my husband doing the same things to another woman that he does with me, because it almost seems like an out-of-body experience. I'm standing back watching, knowing the sensations this other woman is feeling because he's made me feel them too. But it's fascinating because she reacts completely differently than the way I do. And she looks different than me. It puts his sexuality into context so to speak. Apply person A to person B you get one reaction. Apply person A to person C and you get another reaction. Same action, different reaction. See what I mean? Probably not. Anyway, the bottom line is, it's a turn-on for me. Afterward, the other woman is all out of breath and saying, "My God, how do you keep up with him??" And I just get to elbow her in the ribs and say, "Told ya he was good!"Originally Posted by Babysteps
I don't mind it. Not at all. I guess the difference is that I don't expect anyone to wine and dine me. You don't have to butter me up; I want sex too, so why don't we all just cut to the chase? I realize that my involvement, personally, between a couple has nothing to do with me and everything to do with enhancing their own relationship. It's not that they don't care about me, or respect my feelings or needs. It just means that they expect that I'm not going to rely on them to validate me as a person. The fact that they open their bedroom door to other people does not reflect at all on the other people. It just means that they find you attractive...and you fit their fantasy very nicely. Actually it kinda gives me a warm fuzzy feeling knowing that I can help another couple out this way. They've only got so many hands, mouths, pussies and dicks. Sure, I'll lend them a hand! Literally!Originally Posted by Babysteps
Here's a shocker: to other happy swingers, you already ARE just another pussy! They just haven't had sex with you yet. And by that, I mean that you are part of the rest of the world outside of their relationship with one another. There's inside, and then there's outside. You're on the outside of their relationship and always will be. That guy's not being cold. He's just giving you all that he has to offer you, which is respect, courtesy, kindness...and honesty. He has no love to give you, so if you need to feel loved to enjoy sex, swinging may not be much fun for you. You're better off recognizing that now and saving yourself from making a big mistake.
No big deal. Just let him know that right now you're not quite "getting" the lifestyle and you just can't get turned on by that. You appreciate that he's trying to share with you and be honest with you about his fantasies, but this is one that you just can't get turned on by right now. Maybe not ever.Originally Posted by Babysteps
Although it might be tempting to do that cannonball/bellyflop thing I was talking about earlier, you'll regret it. If you value you relationship, if you value your sanity, do not force this. It's supposed to be fun. If it's not, you're doing it wrong. I personally believe that this is something that is within reach for just about anyone, and it's just a matter of clearly understanding it. I'd let your boyfriend know that you're having a really difficult time understanding how this is supposed to be a turn-on. Ask him to explain it to you, exactly how and what turns him on. Talk your faces off. Ask him to start off with very tame fantasies. Don't jump right into swinging! Try flirting with the waiter or the sales associate at the electronics store. Try dressing up sexy and go to the mall or something. Have him let you know when he notices someone eyeing you up. It's just fun! It's just play! Don't assume the worst; just trust him and...play!Originally Posted by Babysteps
Fear is a symptom of ignorance. Knowledge is the cure.
Sandy, you just said it all! That's it exactly!Originally Posted by Bad Sandy
Fear is a symptom of ignorance. Knowledge is the cure.
GOD! Thanks for ALL......and I mean ALL of your responses, I have so much more that I want to say, but its almost 3AM, and I need sleep! So I'll get back to you all, very soon I hope!
Your helping me alot!
Ok, I have a little bit of time so I'm going to take these one at a time,( no pun intended, lol).Originally Posted by 2TexasTornados
I KNOW that I need to talk to him, I KNOW he'll be receptive to my thoughts, and the feelings behind them. IT'S JUST SUCH A HUGE ISSUE! An issue where a compromise that makes BOTH happy seems almost impossible. And to be quite honest with you, ( I might as well!), prior to this issue arising, I could talk to him about ANYTHING, and now, there seems to be a "distance" there, some sort of a "separation or barrier" that previously wasn't there, ( this is for me, I don't believe this holds true for him). This barrier BY NO MEANS affects my love for him, or how much I love him, but it HAS added a new dimension to our relationship, and how I relate to him.
Tex, your advice was to, "try to feel at peace with my thoughts and decisions".......IT'S TOUGH! Tough knowing that one way or another, SOMEBODY isn't going to be happy, and the truth is, I DON'T WANT THAT SOMEBODY TO BE HIM. There are a few different angles to this for me. #1, I'm trying to understand the basic appeal and allure of the lifestyle, and #2, ( possibly the larger ), I'm very annoyed and frustrated with myself for having such a difficult time relating and understanding the concepts involved in the lifestyle. I don't run from problems, face them head on, AND I'M HAVING SUCH A HARD TIME WITH THIS ONE! YOU COULD PROBABLY EVEN SAY I'VE ALMOST BECOME CONSUMED BY IT! And the truth is, the emotional turmoil that I'm experiencing is EXHAUSTING. Exhausting on many levels. I OVERTHINK things, latch on and won't let go until I've found an acceptable solution. I need to SOMEHOW put things a bit into perspective.
I need to make one other thing clear. I know HIM well also. I know that if I tell him that after MUCH research, thought, and soulsearching that this is a "no go" for me, he'll accept it and understand, but it will still tear me up inside knowing that he had a want/need that I kept him from.
Thank you also Sandy, I appreciate your input, but in reference to you post, ( and I don't exactly know how to put this ), BUT, there's part of me saying, "I don't want to waste my time OR energy having yes, fantastic sex, but its not going to be the mind blowing, EXTRAORDINARY, out of this world sex that I have with my Honey", JUST for the sake of having a NEW experience with a DIFFERENT partner. Why settle for something that is "close", when you can have he WHOLE ENCHILLADA!??I could have sex with a guy that was completely my type, and be incredibly turned on by it, but it STILL wasn't the same. It was fantastic, just not the same.
Last one for today.Originally Posted by Fringeswinger
Fringe? Can you expand on what you just said? Are you saying that your in a similar situation? YOU have the desire, and SHE is trying to understand/accept it?
What are HER reservations? As far as MY reservations go, I have only scratched the surface......more to come though, thanks for responding!
Swinging is definately not for everyone and I don't know if it's for you or not, but I will say that the two reasons you have given so far for trying it are two of the worst reasons.
1. To say that you've done it.
2. To make him happy.
The only upside to either of these would be IF (and that's a big IF) you found on your first try that you actually really enjoyed it. If you try swinging for either of the above reasons you are more likely to damage your relationship more than it sounds like it already has been.
You said you feel like there is a rift between you since this has been brought up, that you don't feel you can talk to him about everything as you once could. Is this because you feel that he is so dead set on the idea of swinging that nothing you say will change his mind? Have you ever expressed to him your concerns regarding swinging or have you just given him a "I'll think about it" type answer and not really reasponded other time? Until you really sit him down and talk to him openly about how you feel you can not expect his reactions or thoughts to change. If swinging is not for you then you do not need to even attempt it.
Yes, relationships are about comprimise and that does have to come from both parties, that does not mean that one party just gives in and does what the other party wants solely because they don't want to see the other party unhappy. Sometimes we have to be unhappy. But if you put your happiness aside just to make him happy and do something you do not want / are not ready to do, you will end up resenting him. Yes, the same could go for him and he could resent you for not wanting to partake in this, but at the same time you said that he has had experience in the past (long ago), if he's gone this long without it then I'd say the chances are he can live without it.