Wife wants to stop swinging but I don't.

[JustFun]

Hello, my wife has made it clear she doesnt want to try swinging anymore. We did have a short time that she was interested in it too and it seemed like she was really enjoying herself. But the couple we are with was too pushy and that scared her away from the entire thing. Since then I've tried to convince her to try again but it failed miserably and I know now it's not a good idea to try again anytime soon. But, what now? I constantly have feelings of wanting to do this and I don't know what to do about them. I don't want to stop wanting to do this. What do I do now?

[MoonLightKiss]

You need to talk to your wife. Communication in anything is key. Explain to her that you understand her need to quit, but you still want to. DO NOT try to talk her back into it. Simply explain that you have feelings that leave you wanting to continue, but you respect her and her decision. Ask her to understand your feelings and that it might take a small amount of time for you to just not think about it anymore.

If she is quitting only because of the other couple being pushy, then you can talk to her about how not all couples are like that. But do not approach her in such a way that you are trying to talk her into swinging again. Simply explain to her that you wanted her to know, regardless of her decision, not everyone is like that. Maybe over time she will rethink her position.

But the bottom line is when one says NO it means NO. So if she is adamant about stopping, then thats what you do. You love your wife and only want her happy. So stopping is gonna have to be the thing to do if this is what she wants.

[JustFun]

Well we've definately already stopped. If I even mention this to her at all it starts a fight. The last time I brought it up I simply shared a fantasy idea with her and she got upset and asked me "We're not going to go through this again are we?". I really do think it was this couple that scared her away, but she doesnt use them as a reason against it. To her it's more like it's just not proper to do this. To the point that anyone who chooses to do it is a nutcase, in her opinion. She had allowed herself to enjoy it for a little while and then clammed up right after the other guy was being a total jerk.

The problem I have is everyone here seems to think it's just easy to give this up if the other person isnt interested. I don't understand how this is any different from being gay. If this is your sexual preference then so be it, good for you. Can you expect someone else to be like you if they're not? No, of course not. But why is it OK for someone else to expect you to not be this way and that be OK? Honestly, expecting a person to not be interested in swinging when they are is no different then a social conservative expecting gay people not to be gay, in my opinion. I have the right to feel this way and I dont want to stop. I know I can't expect my wife to join me but at the same time I feel like she doesn't love me the same way I love her because she can't accept me for who I am.

[havefuninsun]

How long ago did she put her foot down?

I know I've gone through spells where I just didn't feel like "pursing" couples or playing with anyone else but Mr. Fun. I've never been angry over it nor has any swinging topics ever caused a fight (although as I type this, I do recall a heated discussion once), but I have backed off.

It sounds like all of this is very fresh. Give her TIME (and I'm not talking a few days or weeks -- let several, maybe even six months pass) before you bring it up again. Time does heal wounds and makes the bad things in life not seem so bad.

Good luck! Don't mistake the comments here ... you just need a little patience

[JustFun]

It's been quite a few months. We never actually touched another couple. We played "Strip Go Fish" since that was the card game everyone knew. The truth is we were not very attracted to the other couple anyway. We opened up to them though because at first they seemed very friendly and personality made up for looks as we were seeming to become friends. But if we had the chance to do it over again I don't think we would have gotten to know this couple very well in the first place.

[MoonLightKiss]

Originally Posted by JustFun

Well we've definately already stopped. If I even mention this to her at all it starts a fight. The last time I brought it up I simply shared a fantasy idea with her and she got upset and asked me "We're not going to go through this again are we?".

Its possible that she feels pressured by you bringing it up. Not that you have pressured her intentionally, just that she might feel that way. Its difficult to have conversations like this without making the other person feel pressure. Make sure you choose your words carefully and explain to her that you are not trying to pressure her, but simply understand the why she wants to stop.
Hopefully you two can communicate about this until the reason for stopping comes out.

Originally Posted by JustFun

I really do think it was this couple that scared her away, but she doesnt use them as a reason against it. To her it's more like it's just not proper to do this. To the point that anyone who chooses to do it is a nutcase, in her opinion. She had allowed herself to enjoy it for a little while and then clammed up right after the other guy was being a total jerk.

It could be the other couple that put her off. It honestly could be that she did this for a while and come away from it feeling dirty and cheap. Its important that both of you are honest with each other. Have her come here and look over your posts. It might help her see your point of view easier. Sometimes we as humans are more open with others and give more details than we would with our spouse, whom we assume should just "know". If it is a matter of people in the lifestyle are jerks, she will get to know alot of people here that are not jerks. If its a matter of feeling dirty, then perhaps her posting here on this board about her feelings will generate responses from other women who have been through the same thing, which might help her out.

Originally Posted by JustFun

The problem I have is everyone here seems to think it's just easy to give this up if the other person isnt interested. I don't understand how this is any different from being gay. If this is your sexual preference then so be it, good for you. Can you expect someone else to be like you if they're not? No, of course not. But why is it OK for someone else to expect you to not be this way and that be OK? Honestly, expecting a person to not be interested in swinging when they are is no different then a social conservative expecting gay people not to be gay, in my opinion. I have the right to feel this way and I dont want to stop. I know I can't expect my wife to join me but at the same time I feel like she doesn't love me the same way I love her because she can't accept me for who I am.

For us if one of us wanted out, its very simply this case. If one wants out we get out. Its that easy. But those are the actions. That by no means refers to the feelings. Would the one who wanted out expect the one who didn't to just quit wanting to swing? For us, no this isn't the case. I would expect my husband to stop, but I would not expect him to stop wanting. That I feel would be unreasonable. Its just like separating sex from love when you enter the lifestyle. When you exit, you separate the participation from the want. Over time, perhaps wanting it does not take up too much thinking time.

[ANGEDKY(mr)]

My question for you is...What specifically does swinging provide for you ,so much, that you "Don't want to stop wanting this"? What do you get out of it OR (as I understand your history) what do you think you will get out of it?

[ohash01]

Wanting and doing are different things. If your wife called an end to it, and you've stopped pursuing, then you've done all you can at this exact moment. I know how exciting it is when getting started and how thrilling the whole "chase" can be. You don't want it to end, and you especially don't want it to end without fulfillment of some kind. You are more than entitled to those feelings.

Give your wife a good chunk of time. She may come to you one day and go "Oh honey - I had this crazy dream about swinging..." and your window opens up again. Don't stop thinking about it. It's a great fantasy...but for now, that's just what it has to be.

[JustFun]

You're right.. Bringing it up at all.. I think she thinks I am trying to argue for it again, which I admit I did really try hard to convince her. The problem is a day doesnt go by that I don't think about it, it's very hard for me.

Her reasons for not wanting to do it has been mainly "I don't wan't to, you can't force me to, I don't have to explain to you why I don't want to". Also at other times she has expressed concern about her being nervous of how she looks to other people, but I don't see why that has to be a show stopper. I find her very attractive, certainly my boner agrees with this! I cannot see why there isn't people out there who would find her as attractive as I do (infact she is Very beautiful), and who would be much more respectful to us and our relationship.

[JustFun]

ANGEDKY(mr):
I've always had fantasies of being with multiple people at a time. So does everyone else (mostly) I guess, but I just cant stop wanting a threesome or the like. It's not really about variety, as to me straight sex with one person is the same with another. I'm mainly interested in activities that are not possible with just one other person.

ohash01:
That's just it. I try to keep it a fantasy but while I am sitting there fantasizing my desire for it to be real kicks in and doesn't stop. It happens almost every time and then I have this depressing feeling of being alone (in my desires) and guilt (for still wanting something my wife doesn't want).

[Jalean73]

I can empathize with your wife. Hubby and I are very new to this "still looking for our first playmate/s". Anyways, some days I'm all for swinging, and then someone says something, and old insecurties arise, and I end up running away from it as fast as possible.
Could it be that she sees how much your into the whole swing idea and it leaves her feeling and wondering why she's not enough for you? To me it sounds like ya'll need to reconnect. I'm not saying you have to stop wanting, but for us our marriage is more important then wanting swinging.

[LetsParty]

Interesting thread. Interesting situation.

Let me get this straight:

- Husband would like to see a plethora of naked bodies and indulge in various acts of sexuality with others, and have some good clean fun before he's too old. He'd like to touch/see/taste other women - hopefully at the same time - while presumably his wife would do the same.

- Wife's position is, "over my dead body. You will see/touch/taste ONE naked body. EVER."

That's the gist of the story, right?

Where I come from, we have a word for that...

We call it MARRIAGE!

(Or, I guess a vanilla marriage, if you will)

Desire does us all in, doesn't it?

Great opening page from my favorite book:

==========
The Wrong Question
Lust brings out the liar in everyone. Every erection has Pinocchio written up and down its length—yes, everybody wants to be REAL, a real boy, an honest woman, unafraid and upright—but then desire, the ultimate honesty, does us in. Desire doesn’t give a whit about shame. Our secrets, our exaggerations and distractions, it’s all just a lot of twisting in the wind as far as sex is concerned—what we want WILL come out.

When we talk about sex to each other, one-on-one, we open a well-worn box of lovers’ lies – fake orgasms, promises of fidelity, boastful exploits. But on a social stage, lying about sex grows to such a grandiose level that instead of just answering with fibs and false hoods, our collective breath doesn’t even pose an honest question.
==========

I guess this boils down to one of my five courses of action:

1 - Cheat
2 - Get divorced
3 - Have an open marriage
4 - Grin and bear it. Welcome to monogamy.
5 - Get back into the lifestyle.

3 and 5 work for me.
1 and 2 would be a shame.
4 is not really that fair, in our opinion.

To all those vanilla spouses who think #4 is THE option... Well that explains why #1 and #2 are so prevelant in society, I guess.

Think of your top options of these five, and then ask your wife.

Good luck!

[telly2]

I know stopping can be heart breaking, your desire is so strong and her fighting you seems so unfair. I have been there in our beginnings in the BDSM lifestyle, i wanted it so bad it hurt, and i really did go crazy for a while, It caused so many problems for a while, then eventually he understood the reason i wanted it so bad. Eventually it came down to what he wanted. We took it very slow and let him make the first move. Sometimes letting the other take the lead. bring it up from time to time, Don't push it, but keep it on the back burner and let it simmer. She may come back to it when she sees how important it is to you. And gets over her own feelings, i can understand her feelings as well, when we firtst got into this it was tramatizing to me as well. but eventually it became less of a moral thing and more of a fun thing, and it did really improve our sexlife, and our marriage, Communication became easier as we were working for something for the 2 of us, not the kids or work etc. Just us
I hope that one day she will see that it isn't all bad, and it can be a good thing. Till then relaxe and get to know each other again.

Chantal

[JustFun]

I talked to her last night and showed her the thread. She said she doesn't want to talk about it here because it's no way to deal with problems. Also said that she just wished I would go find someone else to do with it (in otherwords leave her). I told her I didn't want that and I just wanted to talk about it. I asked her about why she didnt want to and she said she just didnt find it interesting and found it gross. Overall I just felt more guilty about talking about it again and although we didnt get into a fight I really got the impression she rather I had not brought it up again.

[flkeyscouple]

Congratulations for bringing her to this thread. I know it didn't work as you had hoped, but maybe time will tell. She may take the website information and some time when you aren't around she'll take some time to read through these threads. Once she does that, she'll find that true lifestyle couples are those that respect each other above all else, have very strong marriages, have a great sex life at home, love each other more than life, and have a great deal of communication.

You still need to be patient. I presume that your marriage is the most important part of this story. If so, your patience is needed. You need to continue your own relationship, love your wife, communicate with her - not necessarily about swinging, and let her know that she is the most important thing in your life.

And stay patient and loving. Things could come around to your way of thinking. COULD... no guarantee. You will need to decide what is the most important priority - swinging, or your marriage. I hope your answer will be your marriage. If it's not, then your marriage isn't strong enough to start swinging.

Sarah