Swinging, or marriage breaking point ?

[InNY]

I am a 51 year old male. Wife is 47. We both come from a fairly conservative backgrounds, more so for my wife. Our kids are grown so we are empty nesters. We are both fit, attractive and easy going. I have a desire to branch out beyond our conservative upbringing but my wife won't even consider it and the situation might even get ugly if I brought it up. We vacationed at Hedo II early this year and spent some time on the nude side but she would only take her bikini top off. She kept her bikinis bottoms on and I know she felt pretty uncomfortable the entire time with just being topless. What I need the opinion on is has any couples ever come to the marriage breaking point because one person wanted to get into siwinging and the other didn't? If this is something that I have decided I want to pursue I don't want to regret later in life that I didn't do it. But, on the other hand I feel I need to respect my wife's wishes as long as we are together. Sometimes I think I'm being selfish and maybe I should just accept things as they are and drop the issue all together. Then other times I think maybe my wife and I have developed different views on life and we both might be better compatable with someone else. I'm wondering if anyone else has run into this situation and what were some of the outcomes. Any insight or opinions would be appreciated.

[JustAskJulie]

Is swinging really so important to you that you would give up your wife, marriage and family over it? If it is then you really need to take another look at your priorities.

[Mr.T]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Is swinging really so important to you that you would give up your wife, marriage and family over it? If it is then you really need to take another look at your priorities.

Dito Couln't have said it better myself.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by InNY

I am a 51 year old male. Wife is 47. We both come from a fairly conservative backgrounds, more so for my wife. Our kids are grown so we are empty nesters. We are both fit, attractive and easy going. I have a desire to branch out beyond our conservative upbringing but my wife won't even consider it and the situation might even get ugly if I brought it up.

Hi InNY, does this mean that you have not brought up swinging, so far? You said "if" you brought it up, so it sounds like you haven't. What do you mean, "might even get ugly"? Do you mean she'd get upset, cry, ask questions, wonder what you're up to...or more along the lines of she'll think you're a freak and decide to leave you?

Originally Posted by InNY

We vacationed at Hedo II early this year and spent some time on the nude side but she would only take her bikini top off. She kept her bikinis bottoms on and I know she felt pretty uncomfortable the entire time with just being topless.

Personally, I'm seeing this as her stepping out of her boundaries and comfort level, just to try to raise up to your level and to please you. I think that going to Hedo II for a vacation and walking around topless publicly is a very brave and bold thing for most conservative middle-aged women to attempt to do. Instead of knocking her for not dropping her bottoms on this trip and not being wilder, maybe you should be appreciating and applauding her, complimenting and praising her, for stepping out of where she was comfortable. Think of it this way: she made herself uncomfortable just for you. Think of that as a gift. It was perhaps a first step for her.

I think you sound impatient, wanting her to change everything about herself overnight, on one vacation. If you try being patient, use lots of sincere PRAISE, consider her feelings all along the way and appreciate EVERY effort she makes, she may come along more than you think she might.

However, if you get all disappointed and whiny everytime she doesn't go as far as you wanted her to in that moment, she'll likely draw back from it.

Originally Posted by InNY

What I need the opinion on is has any couples ever come to the marriage breaking point because one person wanted to get into siwinging and the other didn't? If this is something that I have decided I want to pursue I don't want to regret later in life that I didn't do it. But, on the other hand I feel I need to respect my wife's wishes as long as we are together.

As a husband, whether you're swingers or not, your mate should ALWAYS come first, no matter what. You should respect your wife's wishes whether you're in swinging, or not. Ask any swinging husband on this board, and they'll all tell you that respecting your wife and never pushing her past her pace is the #1 rule in swinging. This is true of seasoned swingers, too.

In that last paragraph I sensed that what you mean is you're struggling with whether to "pursue" this on your own (as in, behind her back), or respect her wishes for the two of you to not swing. Just know that if you are pursuing it on your own and without her consent, you will NOT be swinging, you'll simply be cheating. That's right, nothing more than just plain old-fashioned cheating. Swingers aren't cheaters. Swingers are people who respect each other, communicate about everything all along the way, make up their own rules and boundaries on what swinging is to them, and then stick to their promises to each other about their boundaries and comfort zone. Yes, even in swinging, there are boundaries and there is respect of one another's wishes and feelings.

Originally Posted by InNY

Then other times I think maybe my wife and I have developed different views on life and we both might be better compatable with someone else.

It sounds like your wife's views on life aren't different from the girl you married. She was conservative when you married her and she was who you wanted, right? It sounds as if you're the one who's changed, and you might be resenting the fact that she's not changed as fast as you have, right along with you. However, does she even know how much you've changed? Does she know all that you really want of her at this time in your life? If you want someone in your life to grow and change WITH you, they have to know who you are and where you're going. You can't do all this inner changing in secret and expect her to know where you're at. Communication is everything. Right after respect and love, that is.

If you would learn to open up your heart to her and really share with her what swinging would mean to you, such as how you want to share it with her as a couple and rekindle your passion and flame for her (it's not about you getting off, not about all these other women), she will actually have the opportunity to find out who you really are. She might even meet you halfway, if you're patient and truly loving about it. Don't be a phony person with her. Doesn't she deserve better? You can't get truly close until you learn to open yourself up and be really honest.

Best wishes to you both.

[ShellyM]

In responding to the OP,
It sounds like you and your wife have been married for a long time, and have spent many great years together. I have to agree with Julie's post on this.....you have to weigh what it is worth. Imagine your life without your wife in it. Is swinging worth that? Is sex worth that? If she is dead set against it than that is her right to be that way. You cannot force her to do something she does not want to do...because even if she says yes she'll do it to save her marriage, she will end up resenting you for it. I would sit and think about what your life would be like if you sacrificed your marriage for any lifestyle or relationship. This is not for everyone, and that is fine. She is not bad for not wanting to do it, because that is her right to say yes or no. Anyways, best of luck to you.

[InNY]

I really appreciate all of your opinions, I truely do. It been mostly females who have responded so I would like to get some guys perspective on this too to see if its along the same lines. Thanks.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by InNY

It been mostly females who have responded so I would like to get some guys perspective on this too to see if its along the same lines.

Here is the perspective of a guy for you:

My marriage is far more exciting and sexual than swinging is. I have the perfect wife and would never jeopardize that for another piece of ass. Plain and simple. If she did not agree with this, I wouldn't do it.

There is going to be a point in my life where I am not going to be able to swing much - age, life changes, whatever - they are coming. And when they do, I like the thought that I will have this wonderful, giving, loving woman to spend the rest of a relatively quiet life with. I actually look forward to being that sweet old couple that still seems so in love.

Swinging is a great fantasy - and the reality is pretty good, too. But I can assure you - having done this for quite a while now - only a fool would trade a marriage for swinging. There are plenty of ways to "branch out" and to spice things up without inviting someone else to your bed. Quit obsessing over this one path and start exploring others - together.

Spoomonkey

[Sweet_Candy]

Dito Well put Spoo, you covered my thoughts well.

[CB_n_Red]

with what Spoo said.

My marriage is far more important to me than swinging, much as we both enjoy it.

CB
( half)

[dayhiker]

Hi InNY,
If you go about this in the wrong way you can do a whole lot of damage to your relationship with your wife. So you got to be careful.
1st, as we meantioned about, if once your in swinging, you have got to be able to 100% agree with your wife that every time she says "NO" that you will stop any activity. This is the only way to show respect to her and for her to keep her trust in you. So if you push now, your learning a pattern of not accepting no and so your underminding her trust in you not only now but also in the future when you want to be swinging with your wife. Hope you see the point.
If your like me, you have got to build your relationship with your wife to a new level before she will even feel that love is really your motive for wanting to swing. You may have already undermined this. You need to learn all about the religious / conservative / sexual woman / what every ideas that your wife has and show concern for who she is. Swinging has got to fit into this picture she has in her mind of who she see. Plus she has got to konw that you are in love with who she is, not who you want to make her.
You have likewise got to educate her as to who you are. If you have been hiding some of your sexuality from her ... you need to reveal that to her. Speak the truth in love as the Bible says. She needs to konw who you are ...
So you have got to do a whole lot of talking with no TV going. Why is this? Well, swinging makes everything very intense. If you don't have the comumication down really good swinging with not work even if tomorrow she says, "Oh I want to get some extra sex!"
Hope that helps you, I say you got 2 to 3 years of relationship work before you swing. That could be if she is a willing partner in all this.

dayhiker

Originally Posted by InNY

I really appreciate all of your opinions, I truely do. It been mostly females who have responded so I would like to get some guys perspective on this too to see if its along the same lines. Thanks.

[cuzzeyesaidso]

I have had a similar situation in my first marriage. I started swinging when I was 14. Didn't know it was swinging then, but I knew what I saw on those porn videos looked fun and I wanted in on some of the action. Me and my girlfriend hooked up a few 3somes and orgies and all that wonderful stuff.

Fast forward to 1994 and now I'm married (different girl), in the Navy stationed in Pearl Harbor. I brought up to my wife what I was into and what I had hoped we could do sexually and she was all for it.....at first. Her eye opener was seeing me with another woman for the first time. All hell broke loose and the marriage was basically drug out for 7 years. The last 6 of those years we didn't do any swinging at all. Hell if I stared at a Victoria's Secret commercial for too long then something must be up (I wish). She had it stuck in her head that I wasn't satisfied with her and wanted to be with every other woman I saw. I did confess my love for Halle Berry. She understood and let me have that one.

My biggest mistake was not telling her from the beginning what I was into and how I wanted things to be,which is what I did with my current wife a week after I met her. Our 1st Anniversary is in two weeks.

My gut tell me that you wanted to try this lifestyle for a long time. Alot longer than what you're telling us here. Suppressing your desires the way I did is finally getting to you and, for me at least, it wasn't a matter of having to do it, but would she agree to it and at least give it one good try.

Does that make sense?

[NandTfromCA]

Originally Posted by InNY

Then other times I think maybe my wife and I have developed different views on life and we both might be better compatable with someone else. I'm wondering if anyone else has run into this situation and what were some of the outcomes. Any insight or opinions would be appreciated.

Before you start thinking too much of leaving your wife for swinging, talk to some single guys who are in the swinging scene. Find out how difficult it is for a strapping, professional, 25 year old male to find people to play with. Also, find out how difficult it is to find single women who are swingers. It may make you rethink the value of your relationship.

Here’s the situation you are in:

1. You can leave your wife, and call yourself a swinger…only to find that you are getting laid much less than you did while you were married...and that you miss this person you invitested so much of your life with.

2. You can push your wife into doing something she isn’t comfortable with and fulfill the self-fulfilling prophecy of “maybe we have grown apart”. In which case, go to option 1.

3. You can accept her for who she is. Accentuate her positive rather than dwelling on the fact that she isn’t as slutty as you want her to be. Once you accept that swinging is not an option, you will be a much happier person.

Spoo said it best…

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

Quit obsessing over this one path and start exploring others - together.

Mr.

[cuzzeyesaidso]

Originally Posted by NandTfromCA

1. You can leave your wife, and call yourself a swinger…only to find that you are getting laid much less than you did while you were married...and that you miss this person you invitested so much of your life with.

I can tell you swinging as a single male is not easy. I wouldn't even call it swinging. Swinging is about sharing what you have (significant other) with someone else. If you're doing it alone it's just fucking around. The only guys I've seen that were successful at pulling it off were either wealthy, or hung like two horses. And even then most couples won't have much to do with you because they figure you fuck around so much, that you might be a health risk.

Your best bet is to just spill your guts and come up with some kind of solution. She already went to a nude beach topless so maybe there's something there she's not telling you.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by NandTfromCA

Before you start thinking too much of leaving your wife for swinging, talk to some single guys who are in the swinging scene. Find out how difficult it is for a strapping, professional, 25 year old male to find people to play with. Also, find out how difficult it is to find single women who are swingers. It may make you rethink the value of your relationship.

Why is that, I wonder? I know for Jay and I, I prefer men over 30 years of age. I don't know why, personal preference I suppose. I guess since they are closer to my own age of 34. But I think alot of people are like that. In my own personal experience I have found, and this is jmo, that it takes men time to acquire the wisdom and maturity needed to really satisfy a woman sexually. Young men are like bulls, and they last a long time from jump. An older man may not be able to "hang" (forgive the pun) with the younger men as far as erections go and such, but they surely are great when it comes to knowing what women like and how to please them. I have heard so many great things about men in their 40s! I think it fathoms people as to why a lot of women love men in their 40s and 50s, but its because they are so in tune to women's bodies and what they need and like.

[Cloud of Love]

Feel free to ignore my opinion since I am not an actual swinger but rather an interested bystander in a happy monogamous relationship, but it seems to me that if the concept of swinging is creating tension and disharmony between you and your wife, that you should drop the idea, at least in the short run, or risk harming your relationship.

I think the experienced swingers here would tell you that successful swinging is something that brings a couple together and increases closeness and happiness. If even the idea is having the opposite effect, perhaps that is telling you something.