My girlfriend's body doesn't turn me on and she won't swing

[akaab39]

I'm a 21 year old male that was an active swinger before I met my girlfriend that I am currently in a relationship with. This girl is a great person and I fell in love with her personality, but I miss swinging. I have brought it up to her semi-jokingly and she has completely shunned the idea. Another thing is... her body does not turn me on like my previous partners' have. I am in love with her but do not get turned on by her. Being a former swinger and a highly sexual person, it is tough for me to not be turned on by a girl that I could be with for a very long time. What are your thoughts? What should I do about it?

[fun4Ds]

how much experiance did you previously have

the fact that you are not turned on by her, could you have that conversation with her?

[akaab39]

i swung regularly for about a year, keep in mind that im only 21. i could NEVER have the conversation with her about her not turning me on... she's allready overly self consience.

[She_n_Jaybee]

Originally Posted by akaab39

I'm a 21 year old male that was an active swinger before I met my girlfriend that I am currently in a relationship with. This girl is a great person and I fell in love with her personality, but I miss swinging. I have brought it up to her semi-jokingly and she has completely shunned the idea. Another thing is... her body does not turn me on like my previous partners' have. I am in love with her but do not get turned on by her. Being a former swinger and a highly sexual person, it is tough for me to not be turned on by a girl that I could be with for a very long time. What are your thoughts? What should I do about it?

This has me stunned. A 21 year old male that loves a woman he isn't turned on by? This is one for Ripley's.

Seriously, there are several issues here you need to consider. What is it about her body you don't like and is it something she could do something about (lose weight, improve muscle tone, get a tan)? If so, you're not doing her or yourself any favors by not talking about it to her. If you only love her personality, why get in a relationship with her? If that's the depth of your love, you could be a great friend, but will never be able to be a good partner.

Over time the "not turned on" feeling will probably grow into "can't stand". Then you'll not only lose a partner, but a friend (possibly several friends), all because you don't want to hurt her feelings now.

[EvilMJ]

I agree with She_n_Jaybee on several issues.

If you care about someone and are not attracted to them I can see it going south in the long run. Physical attraction is very important in a relationship.

If she doesn't want to swing, there is nothing you are going to be able to say to make her, and it shouldn't be a replacement for things lacking in your relationship (I realize you didn't say that it was, but just a thought).

I don't think telling her that you don't turn her on is wise either, no sense in hurting her over something she can't control. Just becuase you are not attracted to her does not mean that there is anything wrong with her, there might be someone else out there who will think she is perfect the way she is.

You need to determine if this is the woman for you, and only you can answer that question and at 21 you have a lot of years ahead of you, so think carefully.

[JP51]

I have to agree with all the other posters. At 21 and if you do not have a physical attraction you are going down a path you might want to reconsider. If your not sparking now with sex, and your in your prime years...step back, do the list thing and spend some time really thinking about this relationship. My wife and I know each other since we were 13...we are now 51/50...and the sex has only got better over the years, and since we have been in the lifestyle the past 5 or so one can't complain.

Frankly, you have to be able to talk to her about your feelings and if you can't your better off as is she of walking away. Now others may slam me on that advice, but open and honest about it all has to happen. My wife went through the I need to cut here and tuck there stage...frankly I did not care if she did it or not. But we talked about it...her comments was, heck I am doing it for me, not you....and besides, I may want may a younger lover (she has one he's 37, lol I get the fringe benfit his wife is 37 too), have to give him some of the good stuff you got. And she told me to hit the gym too...that is open and I saw her point.

Bottom line from a old man, take your time, and decide what you want. I left the love of my life for a lot of years to go off and explore the world. We are both better off for it.

[sapphire68]

Originally Posted by EvilMJ

I agree with She_n_Jaybee on several issues.

If you care about someone and are not attracted to them I can see it going south in the long run. Physical attraction is very important in a relationship.

I agree. But looks aren't everything. If you have strong feelings for her in other areas then it could very well work out in the long run. But you are still very young and there are plenty of fish in the sea.

If she has already expressed she doesn't agree with swinging that could be the biggest problem down the road if you continue to want to do it and she does not.

[Estaque]

I can't believe the superficial responses. It is perfectly possible to be in love with someone you're not completely physically attracted to, especially if they are a caring person and they meet your emotional needs. And there's nothing wrong with that. If this guy is like most young men, he gets turned on by every skirt he sees prancing down the street.

Basically, my advice is to weigh the pros and cons of your situation, and figure out what is most important to you. Do you love your girlfriend more than you want to bang other women? Because that’s the bottom line, and if you can’t convince her to swing then eventually you’re likely going to cheat on her, and that pretty much sucks. There are a lot of screwed up people walking around because they have been hurt, and in my opinion there’s no need to add another one to the list if you can help it.

If it were me, I’d use a little subtlety and try to convince her to swing with you. If it isn’t going to happen and you know you’re going to cheat on her then break it off. If you love her enough you’re willing to lock your hormones down for a long, long time then more power to you.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by Estaque

I can't believe the superficial responses. It is perfectly possible to be in love with someone you're not completely physically attracted to, especially if they are a caring person and they meet your emotional needs. And there's nothing wrong with that. If this guy is like most young men, he gets turned on by every skirt he sees prancing down the street.

Every skirt but his gf's apparently.

I don't think not being turned on by your S.O. is a superfical problem, its a big problem in any sexual relationship and worse if you are only dating without a long history.

If a guy is 21, wants to be a swinger, and has a gf he is not attracted to and has no desire to swing, my advice would be to move on. She may be a great person as a friend, but obviously not what he is looking for in a lover. A good union should have both.

[Estaque]

Originally Posted by Chicup

She may be a great person as a friend, but obviously not what he is looking for in a lover.

He clearly stated that he is in fact in love with her.

And I didn't get the impression that he is not sexually attracted to her, just that he is more attracted to some other women. If he's in love with her and she fulfills his emotional needs then it is up to him to decide if it's worth it to hang in there or not.

Not everyone in the world is superficial.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by Estaque

He clearly stated that he is in fact in love with her.

And I didn't get the impression that he is not sexually attracted to her, just that he is more attracted to some other women. If he's in love with her and she fulfills his emotional needs then it is up to him to decide if it's worth it to hang in there or not.

Not everyone in the world is superficial.

Quote from OP

I am in love with her but do not get turned on by her. Being a former swinger and a highly sexual person, it is tough for me to not be turned on by a girl that I could be with for a very long time

I think he was pretty clear. I think any long term sexual relationship where there is no turn on is doomed to end in a cheating incident years down the road when he meets someone who turns him on again. Just my .02.

[Estaque]

Originally Posted by Chicup

I think any long term sexual relationship where there is no turn on is doomed to end in a cheating incident years down the road when he meets someone who turns him on again. Just my .02.

And as I have stated, I think that is a very superficial point of view.

Personally, I would be very hesitant to walk away from someone I was in love with just because I saw someone that I wanted to bang.

But then, I've never considered myself superficial.

[prettylady]

Originally Posted by Estaque

I can't believe the superficial responses. It is perfectly possible to be in love with someone you're not completely physically attracted to, especially if they are a caring person and they meet your emotional needs. And there's nothing wrong with that. If this guy is like most young men, he gets turned on by every skirt he sees prancing down the street.

I agree that it is possilbe to love someone you are not physically attracted to. But sex is a large part of who we are. I love sex, I can't and wont live without it.(unless there is a medical or emotional problem putting sex on hold).
Truley happy couples are that way because of healthy sex lives. There was a couple a few years back that celebrated their 100th birthdays and when asked about their long lives, they smiled and claimed sex as their key to happiness.
I have never been sexual with a person I did not find at least somewhat physically attractive. But to build on that, I love alot of people who I would never have sex with.
Yes it is possible, but realisticlly I can't see someone at 21 years old being happy for the rest of his life with someone who does not appeal to him sexually.
I say if it is a matter of a bit of fitness, or better foods that could change her from hohum to vavoom. ask her to join the gym with you. Or perhaps she likes to dance. Dog just asked if I wanted to try ballroom dancing with him.
Dog and I are busy people, but this is a great way for excersice and the best part of it is his arms are around me. Can't do that in the gym

Good luck my young friend
Your friend,
Prettylady

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by Estaque

And as I have stated, I think that is a very superficial point of view.

Personally, I would be very hesitant to walk away from someone I was in love with just because I saw someone that I wanted to bang.

But then, I've never considered myself superficial.

I love a lot of people I wouldn't have sex with. One of them I call mother. It is possible to love someone you don't have sex with, but its foolish at 21 to have a long term romantic/sexual relationship with someone who you don't really want to have sex with. Sounds like it would turn into a typical married at 23 divorced at 26 relationship.

I'd like everyone who is very happy in their marriage but not sexually attracted to their wife/husband to sound off here so we can get a feel if its really important.

[prettylady]

Me again. Chicup uses a perfect word. "Lover".
It is an all incupasing word. I love my father but he is not my lover, I love my neighbour but he is not my lover. Why?
Because I don't have the connection one has with another person whom you don't have a physical relationship with.
Dog is my lover because of many reasons, one being the intimacy shared while making love. you don't get that anywhere else. That is why he, and not my Dad, is my lover.
Sex is more the just "banging". There is the eye contact, the caresses, the special names, and many other aspects that you can not get at anyother time and place.
OK lets make a disclaimer here. Yes you can have empty sex, but even when you out right F*@K your SO there is a connection.
If our young friend can not get that connection then he is missing too much in life. Sorry akaab but if you cannot get that connection with your female friend, do both of yourselfs a favor and find someone who can so she can to.
Your freind,
Prettylady