Hubby's fantasies and where I stand?

[liv2]

Hi guys,

First time on this forum so excuse me for being a bit nervous...

My husband and I have just had a conversation regarding swinging! I have just read some threads and the conversation was tears and talking, although he was very hurt that I got upset.

To give you a little background... We are married, been together for six and half years and have two young children. We are currently living the expat life in Indonesia... We have been through rough times and great times (as has every married couple!).

My husband is concerned with the fact that he is going to get bored of our sex life if it continues the way it is (but assures me that he is happy! (?)).

About two years ago I ventured in the swinging life with him and we went to a swingers bar several times and had some fun (not with other couples, but watched and had sex together (being watched)... We have also had a very good swingers occasion, when we met a couple and took them back to our hotel room.

Ok, so here it comes... He wants to get back into it, and I am worried about all the normal things... The main problem I have is that I am very insecure about my looks. Please don't get me wrong, I am not ugly, but not perfect (is anyone?) Anyway, in order to take my clothes off in front of others I really need the help of alcohol... But when I think about it (probably thinking far too much), I just don't have the need to do it, like he does... then I think of how much I enjoyed it when we did do it, and it was great!

I guess I am just very insecure about myself and need huge reassurrance that everything will be fine. In some ways, by being told that my sex life with him is potentially boring, I am feeling even more insure and now pressured too.

I have recently made a huge effort to lose weight (which I have now done) and also step our sex life up (well, I thought I had!), now I just feel that everything I have tried has failed and I am going to have to start easing up on my insecurities...

ADVICE on how to get rid of these damn insecurities about my looks and (a little) on my relationship PLEASE? (please don't tell me that I shouldn't go there if I don't want to, I already realise this!)

[dayhiker]

hi,
As a guy addressing a woman's insecurities I'll surely fail! But I'll have a little fun with it. First you have done several good things for yourself. They are good, so don't 2nd guess yourself. I'm sure your husband sees that. Since you have made this progress he might be thinking we can make even more progress by swinging.

If you swing, you will find that you are in demand I'm guessing. If I were you I'd recomend getting past needing alcohal. That the secureity you have gained. Build from there! I think you will find its easier to swing without alcohal or with a limited about of it than it was to loss that weight!

talk to your husband and find out what he is thinking about your insecurities and how swinging will effect it.

dayhiker

[Darkblue]

Do you want to swing? or are you doing this for him?? i get the feeling your not into swinging and are only going to do this for him?? if so then dont swing theres two of you here and doing something that only one side really wants wont make you happy!! taking your clothes off in front of others isnt a big deal but if you need a bit of alcohol to do so then how much will you need to swing? i get the feeling that your being put under pressure to swing by your partner with comments like"My husband is concerned with the fact that he is going to get bored of our sex life if it continues the way it is (but assures me that he is happy! (?))." i cant believe he said that! after all it takes two to tango and both of you should make the effort to have great sex,

Sorry if i have misread your post but thats the way its reads to me..

If you dont want to swing then dont never do something like swinging unless you are 110%sure you want to it wont help your sex life,it might his but not yours..

You are who you are and i am sure you will be loved by a lot of guys and be in demand if your doing this for yourself then fine everyone is beautifull, if your 150 kgs or 50 kgs.
Steve

[Darkblue]

PS

I know some women who are just the most beautifull things on two legs but are just stuck up and in love with themsleves that i dislike them and i know women who are fat and are the greatest people to be with,full of humour and are as honest as you can get and guess who i prefer to be with!!

Love yourself for who you are and what you are and not for what other want or expect you to be,be yourself and love yourself for being yourself..


Steve

[robel12550]

Hi Liv2,

There are several areas of your post that is puzzling.

For starters, you said your husband described the sex life between the two of you as "boring" or getting to be that way. If you haven't already (and just haven't posted it here), you need to find out from him why he thinks it's boring and what he thinks will not make it boring. You need to LISTEN very carefully when he talks about this because he might not be saying exactly what he really means. Depending on what he says, he might not want to "hurt your feelings" (although stating anyway that he thinks sex with you is boring isn't exactly being gentle about it). It might very well be that the extra pounds you put on to safely deliver his two children are what he might be concerned about. Then again, it might be something very different. Maybe he'd like to explore some sexual technique that you haven't gotten around to. You need to clarify that first, because if you stray into swinging without knowing what he doesn't find boring, you'll probably run into bigger problems then you might have now. (For starters, what if what you're doing with him now might affect someone you'd have sex with in swinging? For example, there is a running problem with ED in the swinging community which women mistakenly attribute to their not being able to stimulate their swing partner. If you happen to be doing something that doesn't result in an erection, you might be back on this forum writing how your swing partner didn't get exciting and you feel it's your fault. You don't need that.)

The aspect of your "insecurities" seems to be a common thing with women. Men worry about how long their penis is and women worry about how attractive they are. If you ONLY read one thing in this whole message, please read this and read it over several times:

ATTITUDE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN PHYSICAL APPEARANCE.

Now read it again! There have been several women who I've run into in my life who would be considered knock down gorgeous that I wouldn't want to get into bed if they paid me because I didn't like their attitude. I went to a strip club once where this, in my opinion, outrageously overweight woman got up on stage and danced and she had the whole club hooting and hollering! Off stage she was greeted and hugged by the other strippers. It was like a big party! The point is that she definitely wasn't what you'd call a "looker", but she had an attitude which many folks appreciated more than her looks. (OK, truth be told, I wasn't one of her followers, but I could appreciate the fact that others were.) So stop already with this "I'm not pretty enough", "I got too many pounds", whatever other type of excuse you can come up with (and the rest of you ladies too)! Nothing turns me on more than a woman who has a healthy attitude and appetite for sensuality and sexuality. And I think there are quite a few men who would agree with that. Show your husband that there is NO other woman on this planet that enjoys sex more than YOU! This will either result in him not necessarily being interested in swinging anymore or at least will assure you that if you do swing he won't be spending the night someplace he shouldn't be.

Best of luck to you and keep us informed of what's going on.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by liv2

My husband and I have just had a conversation regarding swinging! I have just read some threads and the conversation was tears and talking, although he was very hurt that I got upset.

My husband is concerned with the fact that he is going to get bored of our sex life if it continues the way it is (but assures me that he is happy! (?)).

I guess I am just very insecure about myself and need huge reassurrance that everything will be fine. In some ways, by being told that my sex life with him is potentially boring, I am feeling even more insure and now pressured too.

Hi Liv2,

For all of these reasons, I'd say you have a whole lot more talking to do before you decide anything about getting back into swinging.

Why did your husband feel so "hurt" that you got upset when he introduced the idea that you should start swinging, due to his getting bored with your sex life the way it is? I believe that any woman would feel the way you did. If my husband was bored with our sex life the way it is between the two of us, I wouldn't be swinging. I'd be working on things between us, first. For us, swinging is only icing on the cake, and nothing more.

Some people think that if they get into swinging, it will fix problems in their marriage. That couldn't be more wrong. I wonder if your husband thinks that swinging will "fix" things. Swinging works for couples who are on solid ground in all areas of the relationship.

I would suggest that you have your husband read this. Help him to really know and understand your feelings about swinging, about sex, your relationship, and your feelings about your body. It's much more important that he understand and respect your feelings, and that the two of you work these things out.

"ADVICE on how to get rid of these damn insecurities about my looks"

I don't think this is the main issue for you right now. Almost all women have some insecurities about their looks/bodies. The best way to get beyond those is to lower perfectionistic standards (like thinking you aren't worthy if you don't look like a model), love yourself the way you are, and enjoy physical fitness and an active lifestyle on a regular basis. I think that the more positive, active things a person does with their body and the more fit they get, the more they love their body as it is, flaws and all. A woman seems to really get in tune and in touch with her body through physical fitness, including sexually in-tune. There is a whole lot more, like exploring your own sexuality (nothing to do with swinging), to gain confidence that way. Explore your body, your sexual thoughts and fantasies, and more. Learning to become more open with yourself and within your marriage can expand your passion and just the sheer joy of being in your body. This is the sort of thing you may need to work on first, before swinging can work out for you.

If you eventually swing, you want to do it freely and very willingly, not needing to drink alcohol just to get through it.

Best wishes to you.

[liv2]

Originally Posted by dayhiker

hi,
As a guy addressing a woman's insecurities I'll surely fail! But I'll have a little fun with it. First you have done several good things for yourself. They are good, so don't 2nd guess yourself. I'm sure your husband sees that. Since you have made this progress he might be thinking we can make even more progress by swinging.

If you swing, you will find that you are in demand I'm guessing. If I were you I'd recomend getting past needing alcohal. That the secureity you have gained. Build from there! I think you will find its easier to swing without alcohal or with a limited about of it than it was to loss that weight!

talk to your husband and find out what he is thinking about your insecurities and how swinging will effect it.

dayhiker

Well... I hope you're right about my husband noticing the effort.

I already know his opinion on my insecuritites and he gets annoyed that I feel that way about myself. He likes I am great looking etc etc and cannot understand why I think the way I do.

Thanks for you reply!

[liv2]

Originally Posted by Darkblue

Do you want to swing? or are you doing this for him?? i get the feeling your not into swinging and are only going to do this for him?? if so then dont swing theres two of you here and doing something that only one side really wants wont make you happy!! taking your clothes off in front of others isnt a big deal but if you need a bit of alcohol to do so then how much will you need to swing? i get the feeling that your being put under pressure to swing by your partner with comments like"My husband is concerned with the fact that he is going to get bored of our sex life if it continues the way it is (but assures me that he is happy! (?))." i cant believe he said that! after all it takes two to tango and both of you should make the effort to have great sex,

Sorry if i have misread your post but thats the way its reads to me..

If you dont want to swing then dont never do something like swinging unless you are 110%sure you want to it wont help your sex life,it might his but not yours..

You are who you are and i am sure you will be loved by a lot of guys and be in demand if your doing this for yourself then fine everyone is beautifull, if your 150 kgs or 50 kgs.
Steve

Hi,

Thanks for your reply, you have given me a few things to think about.

x

[liv2]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

Hi Liv2,

For all of these reasons, I'd say you have a whole lot more talking to do before you decide anything about getting back into swinging.

Why did your husband feel so "hurt" that you got upset when he introduced the idea that you should start swinging, due to his getting bored with your sex life the way it is? I believe that any woman would feel the way you did. If my husband was bored with our sex life the way it is between the two of us, I wouldn't be swinging. I'd be working on things between us, first. For us, swinging is only icing on the cake, and nothing more.

Some people think that if they get into swinging, it will fix problems in their marriage. That couldn't be more wrong. I wonder if your husband thinks that swinging will "fix" things. Swinging works for couples who are on solid ground in all areas of the relationship.

I would suggest that you have your husband read this. Help him to really know and understand your feelings about swinging, about sex, your relationship, and your feelings about your body. It's much more important that he understand and respect your feelings, and that the two of you work these things out.

"ADVICE on how to get rid of these damn insecurities about my looks"

I don't think this is the main issue for you right now. Almost all women have some insecurities about their looks/bodies. The best way to get beyond those is to lower perfectionistic standards (like thinking you aren't worthy if you don't look like a model), love yourself the way you are, and enjoy physical fitness and an active lifestyle on a regular basis. I think that the more positive, active things a person does with their body and the more fit they get, the more they love their body as it is, flaws and all. A woman seems to really get in tune and in touch with her body through physical fitness, including sexually in-tune. There is a whole lot more, like exploring your own sexuality (nothing to do with swinging), to gain confidence that way. Explore your body, your sexual thoughts and fantasies, and more. Learning to become more open with yourself and within your marriage can expand your passion and just the sheer joy of being in your body. This is the sort of thing you may need to work on first, before swinging can work out for you.

If you eventually swing, you want to do it freely and very willingly, not needing to drink alcohol just to get through it.

Best wishes to you.

Hi,

Wow... thank you!
Some of your advice I have already done... and I guess it has worked.

I don't think I am thinking about singing to fix things, maybe prevent things in the future.

I enjoy swinging (or did), with the right people... but (hope this doesn't sound silly), when the feeling is right! I have to feel comfortable, and I have no idea how to predict when that will be! Is that normal?

x

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by liv2

I enjoy swinging (or did), with the right people... but (hope this doesn't sound silly), when the feeling is right! I have to feel comfortable, and I have no idea how to predict when that will be! Is that normal?

x

Not only is it normal, it's actually optimal!

[liv2]

Originally Posted by intuition897

Not only is it normal, it's actually optimal!

I like that!!! Thanks! x

[Babysteps]

taking your clothes off in front of others isnt a big deal but if you need a bit of alcohol to do so then how much will you need to swing?

I got A " friendly" chuckle out of this statement. I am a lady who has a few insecurities about my body too, and to be quite honest, I'D NEED LESS ALCOHOL TO SWING, THAN I WOULD TO UNDRESS IN FRONT OF OTHERS!!

And I see nothing wrong with the use of alcohol ( in moderation of course ), just to take the edge off. True alcohol can sometimes lead one to behave in a manner that might not be them, but it can also help to lower those terrible inhabitions, and let your real you come out!

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by liv2

I don't think I am thinking about singing to fix things, maybe prevent things in the future.

Really? Interesting... What are you wanting to prevent?

Originally Posted by liv2

I enjoy swinging (or did), with the right people... but (hope this doesn't sound silly), when the feeling is right! I have to feel comfortable, and I have no idea how to predict when that will be! Is that normal?

Not at all silly, and very normal! We only swing with people that we are both comfortable with. Even if we haven't known them long at all, it has to feel right, the feeling has to be right. I know exactly what you mean. Good for you!

I can't comprehend doing something with someone I was uncomfortable with, not interested in, or didn't feel right to me. That could only end up feeling creepy. It's supposed to feel good and be fun.

[liv2]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

Really? Interesting... What are you wanting to prevent?



Not at all silly, and very normal! We only swing with people that we are both comfortable with. Even if we haven't known them long at all, it has to feel right, the feeling has to be right. I know exactly what you mean. Good for you!

I can't comprehend doing something with someone I was uncomfortable with, not interested in, or didn't feel right to me. That could only end up feeling creepy. It's supposed to feel good and be fun.

Answer to 1st question re: prevention... Well, let me say that I am a true believer that if a man is bored, he will stray (eventually) and I guess if he has told me, then I am a lucky one, as most men would not have the guts to admit that to their wife! (glass half full, not half empty), although it still hurt to hear!

The more responses I am getting to this post, the more I am now remembering how cool, open and non judgemental swingers are (remember it's been a while!).

Thank you for that, now I know I am not being 'silly', just normal!

[RANDJ4FUN]

Originally Posted by liv2

Answer to 1st question re: prevention... Well, let me say that I am a true believer that if a man is bored, he will stray (eventually) and I guess if he has told me, then I am a lucky one, as most men would not have the guts to admit that to their wife! (glass half full, not half empty), although it still hurt to hear!

The more responses I am getting to this post, the more I am now remembering how cool, open and non judgemental swingers are (remember it's been a while!).

Thank you for that, now I know I am not being 'silly', just normal!

This really hits home for me as this is what I told my then girlfriend (and now wife) the same thing. I hope you understand that knowing your husband told you the truth about himself was not easy because he had to know that it would hurt you and I don't beleive your husband wanted to hurt you anymore than I wanted to hurt the woman I love.
In this life it is impossible to not hurt the ones you love sometime. But I will always choose telling hurtful truths over self-serving lies that end-up being much more hurtful.
I love my wife and have too much respect for her to ever be a liar and a cheat.
And it is way too easy for any man to be a liar and a cheat.
You are lucky that your husband understands himself enough to try to communicate this to you. Your husband and I both understand HOW WE ARE
and how none of this is YOUR FAULT.
I also want to say that I see nothing silly about any of your concerns.