Giving up on wife

[LOL_OMG]

This thread saddens me. I have been in this situation from the wife's side, and the marriage ended in divorce. I didn't want sex either, it was boring and I got very little out of it besides sleeping on the wet spot. My husband at the time was not very creative and didn't do all the things you have tried. I shrugged it off because it wasn't enjoyable (he was also very quick to cum, but in retrospect maybe that's becase we did it so little).

I have since learned that sex is a huge part of a healthy relationship. It's physically and psychologically good for you. I've found out that trying new things can be very exciting, and I've also found that talking about sex and what I want with my hubby is sooooo helpful. I opened up to possibilities and it changed my life. Thankfully I found my soulmate who likes to have fun with me.

I think you have hit a brick wall here, and unless your wife can open her own views it may be a wall you can't tear down. If she can find the adventure and excitement you will both have entered a whole new world. The only idea I have for you is to be brutally honest with her where this might lead....

Mrs

[seeking69]

Do give up hope.Show her you love her.Find her interest and bring her there.Good mood always bring good sex.

[seeking69]

Sorry I meant "Don't give up hope"

[NandTfromCA]

Originally Posted by Chicup

I have been patient now for 13 yrs.

First mistake, you should have been patient the first 3 weeks. You have waited far too long.

My ex and I were into swinging and I have always wanted to get back into it. I knew that I could'nt push Deb my (my wife now ) into it and have never pushed or really even brought it up for fear of completely offending her.


Big BAD secret. I can understand not bringing up your sex life when you are first dating and the like, but sooner or later you should at least let her know who did some of these things if they still interested you. If she was the kind of person who would be offended perhaps you should have taken it as a hint and found someone else. Harsh I know.

She told me a long time ago that if I were going to fool around on her to please tell her first. Well I think that's what I going to do. I don't want a divorce because I love her and we have worked hard to build a life together. We are happy in just about every other way.

This tells me that she knows shes not what you want sexually. She also appears to not care about that aspect of your relationship. It sounds more like a good friendship than anything else. The fact that even talking about sex is offensive points to issues that really should have been worked out a decade ago.

I am not a big 'fan' of marrige counslers or counslers in general but I've never been one to beat around the bush. Some people may well open up better to a 3rd person than the one closest too them so perhaps that will help but it might also be a brick wall. The idea that talking about sex offends your wife of 14 years means you are going to HAVE to offend her. My method of handling it would be forcing her to talk about it and I wouldn't care how many tears or shouts it caused as this is something important to you. A marriage without sex is not a happy place to be as you well know. I have a female friend in your exact same position, almost a mirror image, but she has cheated on him and its not made her any happier. She is afraid of getting a divorce for a number of reasons and is resigned to being miserable for the rest of her life.

Massive Dito

Come clean, spill your guts, hash it out, and move on (maybe together…maybe not).

As long as your intent is to make things better and not just to take pot shots, hurting now is way better than dragging this out and hurting for another 13 years.

[corkwan]

boy.

i wonder how many people that suggest marriage counsellors have actually been to them? i would guess, NONE!... have you seen the statistics on marriage counselling, it is horrible.

yes, work on your marriage. be more honest, be patient, be kind, but be very careful if you enlist a marriage counsellor in it. we did, and it nearly destroyed our somewhat fragile marriage. (btw, we are doing great again in case anyone remembers me)

this is what i learned:

- taking time to be together, without anythign planned. for us, this is going for 30-60 minute walks in the evening.

- making sex a problem makes her lose her confidence. sex is confidence.

- masturbation threatened her. pull it if you need to, but don't rub that in her face.

- encouragement, gentle encouragment. too much pressure, and you loose confidence.

- be honest. she has needs, you have needs. tell it like it is. and tell it from YOUR point of view, not saying that SHE doesnt want sex. say it like it is, you want more sex. speak what you know, and that is *only* yourself!

- be patient

- be gentle

- be kind

[EvilMJ]

In reading your post I noticed something.

You asked her what could spice up your sex life, but you didn't ask her what was wrong with her, was it medical, emotional, is it you or something you are doing?

There are so many things that can cause someone to lose interest in sex, physcial/medical conditions, stress, kids, menopause.... the list goes on. or it just maybe that she doesn't have the same level of interest in sex that you do.

Have you told her what her lack of sex is doing to you and your marriage, perhaps she has no idea what you are feeling or the seriousness of the situation.

If you are going to cheat on her you may as well divorce her ....if you love someone you don't hurt them like that.

[jedi6942]

EvilMJ said: "If you are going to cheat on her you may as well divorce her ....if you love someone you don't hurt them like that. "

You got that right!!!

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by corkwan

boy.

i wonder how many people that suggest marriage counsellors have actually been to them? i would guess, NONE!... have you seen the statistics on marriage counselling, it is horrible.

yes, work on your marriage. be more honest, be patient, be kind, but be very careful if you enlist a marriage counsellor in it. we did, and it nearly destroyed our somewhat fragile marriage. (btw, we are doing great again in case anyone remembers me)

Yes, I was one of those on this thread who suggested a counselor. Yes, I went to one with my first marriage. Yes, there are some bad ones out there so just like picking your doctor, dentist, or lawyer you have to be just as careful picking your counselor. (which btw, my lawyer sucked but my counselor was awesome!!)

My counselor didn't destroy my marriage it was my ex who did because he didn't think he needed to fix anything.

Glad you hear you and your spouse are doing great. I am too ... actually happier then I have ever been. I am also very thankful for having a counselor who can't save something when one half doesn't want to save it, but stuck with me and helped me make it through a very tough time.

Mrs Spoomonkey

[Jamie&Kieth]

Just a thought ... change in environment ... could work, might not, if you love her try it.

13 years, you get stuck in a routine, and you become so self asorbed in the routine you can't think out of the box. "Think outside the box".

Try a trip to a "couples only resort" (not a swingers) that includes nude sunbathing or a camping trip where you are out of your normal environment, something different to get your wife to think out of the box ... most important of all be honest with each other.

Not much help, but I know when I am out of our normal environment and doing something that is totally different ... I get horny

[cqwest]

I have gotten more good advice here than I thought I would thank you all! It's hard to get some one to understand the complete problem when you need to do it in such few words, and your only hearing one side. It is nice to know that there are so many of you who care enough to try to understand and help.

I have gotten counseling a couple of times in my life and it helped a lot. once was after my first wife and I split up, and once because I felt like I needed it.

A new environment is always helpful but we usually need to bring our 6yr old with us. We have few people we are comfortable leaving him with and so don't get out alone often. Which is one of the things I would like to change.

more later...

[twoferfun69]

Ok......this is probably going to be lengthy as most of my posts are, so bear with me.
First to Corkwan- I too am one of those that would suggest counseling, and I HAVE been to same. To those that would say that it doesn't work, I would offer up a couple things.....yes, there are really crappy counselors, however, I believe that some of the problems with counselors arises from one or the other of the people IN counseling does not "buy" into it, and does not apply themselves 100% to the effort.
Second, I, like JnCC have been down this same road with my ex. As hard as I tried, things were not to be, sexually. To this day, even our children literally call her a "psycho bitch". There are issues within her mind that no one can fix. This is not to say she cannot be a wonderful person, but there are times when her warped sense of reality makes her an interesting person to deal with.
Having spent 5 long years on marriage counseling with her, only to have her simply walk out when the counseling sessions turned to dealing with HER issues, I decided that the counseling would not work for "us". I continued to go on my own, and learned how to deal with the issues I was encountering with her and in life in general.
After I went thru all of this, and trying and trying and trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, I finally had enough.
Bottom line is, only you can decide what is best for YOU. But, I implore you, do not cheat, it will only make for difficulties later on. Both externally (dealing with it in divorce can be a problem, plus, even tho she says to let her know, the female mind is thing of which we can only hazard a guess as to how to deal with it, and THAT little statement will be taken wrong, no matter how she presented it to you) and internally. If you have any moral fiber within you, it is something that you will have to reconcile on your own later on in life. Yes, this is the voice of experience talking.
If you would like we can talk more of this privately, cqwest, but I believe I have bored most of you enough.
Please take care, and be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.

[LOL_OMG]

The crux of the matter is that both people in a relationship hold the power to make things work. If one is unwilling, and you've made it pretty clear that she is unwilling....it's not going to work. I'm sorry, I wish I could give you better news...

[corkwan]

oh i totally agree that personal counselling is useful. it was far more useful to me than couples counselling. once each person is feeling more secure about themselves, it is far easier to work out problems.

but you're right, the quality of counselling does depend a lot on the person.

we found this book was useful: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...05797?v=glance