Wanting to move at a slower pace than my spouse

[dezaray]

we've been together for 5 months, fell in-love 2 months ago after we started exploring this together, since then, we fight A LOT! little fights that are forgotten about so that it doesnt blow up into something bigger, big fights: broke up for a day, stayed gone all night, different occasions

the good DEFINATELY outwieghs the bad.... but im just not sure alllll the conversation, trolling, chats, emails, meet/greets, and heated discussion over boundaries/who/when we will meet, and my nerves over all the drama is worth it, if its not gonna last.

95% of our fights revolve around swinging issues, because he's more impatient than i am, i want to move at a comfortable pace/he's in a hurry, AND im MUCH more selective than he is, and the MAIN THING IS I WANT MORE BALLANCE! between REAL life, and living out our sexual fantasies, he wants the oposite

sooooo, with this, do you think we should be doing this? ive read a million times, that couples need to be secure in their relationship before swinging... that if u have problems, swinging will only make it worse...

i CAN NOT handle ANY MORE PAIN, DRAMA, BULL SHIT! but....we love each other very deeply...

[JnCC]

Do you love HIM, or do you love the notion of BEING in love?

Just something to think about...

[TeamSoBe]

Originally Posted by dezaray

the good DEFINATELY outwieghs the bad.... but im just not sure alllll the conversation, trolling, chats, emails, meet/greets, and heated discussion over boundaries/who/when we will meet, and my nerves over all the drama is worth it, if its not gonna last.

Swinging has caused conflict for my wife and I at times but we also think the good outweighs the bad and it's just how we aspire to be in the long run. When we start to see friction from swinging we take a break for a while to show each other that we can. When we start up again after a break it's always more fun because we start on the same page and each time we go through a swinging phase we're a little better at getting the most out of it with the least amount of drama.

[dezaray]

Originally Posted by JnCC

Do you love HIM, or do you love the notion of BEING in love?

Just something to think about...

i have never had as many valid reasons for loving ANY man like I love him, and im 39, he would agree (on a good day that is)

not sure anyone is into astrology, but were im a Leo, he's an aries, quite a explosive match, 2 fires signs....

there could be more potential reasons for all this lately.... it verrrry well could be more me.... fuck i dono! but its killin me! i have 2 parts of my life, VERRRRY few peopl can i share both with, he is one of them, but when it involves him, i have no solid, unbiast feedback, i can be very emotional sometimes, NO poker face, and cant hide my feelings for shit! he gets them confused, shit even i do!

-i cant tell my family about swinging, they'd have me locked up in a psych ward!
-my 2 closest friends know both big things in my life, him:swinging and the death of my son 3 weeks shy of 3 yrs ago

both, well all 3 of these things consume most of my every day life, my son's death more recently because of the upcoming date

a part of me feels like putting on the breaks (which he will flip out over) bc mentaly, emotionaly, and physically, i just dont think i can deal with all of it at the same time right now... im confused and completely overwhelmed, and feel totaly vulnerable. I'd do ANYTHING for this man! HOWEVER not beyond putting myself FIRST! now a days tho, this line is sooooo blurry and he doesnt get it, i cant blame him, im used to ppl not understanding me.

maybe writing here will help, maybe it wont, there seems to be some WONDERFUL ppl here, AND some real jerks too, if they kick me when im down, i probably wont be back for a while

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by dezaray

95% of our fights revolve around swinging issues,.

Stop swinging.

You did this way to early in your relationship to the point it has become your relationship, at least the sex part of it. You need to have an 'US' before you include a 'THEM'.

If he refuses to stop, find someone else.

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by Chicup

You did this way to early in your relationship to the point it has become your relationship, at least the sex part of it. You need to have an 'US' before you include a 'THEM'.

Dito!

I don't know about you, but I think the words "love" and "peace" are somewhat synonamous. Being in love with someone really means you find great peace at being with them.

Frankly, I'm having a hard time finding any "peace" in your original post, which leads me to suspect that you're more in love with the idea of being in love, than you are with this person. Not knowing how to differentiate the two, and not knowing when to separate yourself from a potentially toxic relationship, is probably responsible for many of the dysfunctional "relationships" you see on this board and elsewhere.

How "sick" are you willing to allow yourself to be, in order to preserve this "relationship?"

[JustAskJulie]

You need time to really develop your relationship before you add swinging to it. You didn't take that time.

Were you both swinging before you got together? If not, I have to wonder why you would jump into something like this so quickly after getting together.

[LOL_OMG]

Once again, all great posts so far. I would just like to add:

I have some very dear friends that lost their daughter (age 17) on Valentine's Day. That was 8 years ago, and every year the entire month of February she is a wreck. Her husband is so good at letting her bounce off him, all of the mood swings she goes through he deals with. Your new fellah may have to find out more about how this effects someone to be supportive. There are several places that provide grief counseling, even if you just take a small piece away it will have been worth it.

Mrs

[dezaray]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

You need time to really develop your relationship before you add swinging to it. You didn't take that time.

we met on a swingers site, i had only met other single men (mainly for sex) however I was looking for a relationship, not one to *fall* into, but to find someone WORTH developing one with. speaking for him, i blew him away, he never expected or wanted anything this serious... but couldnt walk away from it either bc he knows what we have found in each other is rare, and not something to overlook.

before even meeting we were on the same page with SO many things. We connect on SOOO many levels, the following months up until this last one, we continued to develop an intensly deep bond, at 1st the speed in which we fell for each other it freaked us out equaly, but were adults, life is short, and we KNEW and discussed concrete reasons why *we* felt so right.

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Were you both swinging before you got together? If not, I have to wonder why you would jump into something like this so quickly after getting together.

he has had some experience in the past, mainly with an x gf/the love of his life, that did him wrong in the swinging thing, VERY VERY VERY bad ending! and yes i do believe it affects our relationship, i obviously have my issues as well that affect it too, IMHO we all do, unless one is just dilusional.... fact of life

i have only experienced a taste of this lifestyle with him (2 uneven soft swaps-not very good experiences), and do want to experience much more, but at MY pace, with ppl we agree on, and for it not to take over our lives.

b4 we got serious, i was approached by a cpl for a FMF, it intimidated me to go alone, he offered to go w/me for protection, from there the rest should be obvious... as my desire grew to include him in my quest, I suggested we create a cpl profile, and swing together

[dezaray]

Originally Posted by JnCC

Dito!

I don't know about you, but I think the words "love" and "peace" are somewhat synonamous. Being in love with someone really means you find great peace at being with them.

love has MANY different definitions, and attributes, however it has made me pause and think of your statement. this last month, theres not been as much peace... at times yes... wonderful, deep, comforting, but then it all blows up again...

Originally Posted by JnCC

Frankly, I'm having a hard time finding any "peace" in your original post, which leads me to suspect that you're more in love with the idea of being in love, than you are with this person. Not knowing how to differentiate the two, and not knowing when to separate yourself from a potentially toxic relationship, is probably responsible for many of the dysfunctional "relationships" you see on this board and elsewhere. How "sick" are you willing to allow yourself to be, in order to preserve this "relationship?"

today... is a pretty bad day, a lot of things are hitting me at once, im extremely sensetive, and emotional right now, which makes me express myself in an even more intense way than normal.

I've had a few of those experiences in my younger years "more in love with the idea of being in love" and believe i know the difference. Knowing the difference to me, is KNOWING WHY you love someone, not just beacuse. This man is not perfect, nor am I, nor do i expect him to be. Just because things arent perfect, doesnt mean I am creating something in my head thats not there, love is also acceptance.

yes i do need to figure out my line of acceptance... i do not feel the relationship is toxic, and due to my own personal issues its very difficult to guage where the majority of the bull shit is coming from...

[04kingpin]

Sorry if this seems harsh and I mean no insult, but you did meet him at a swingers site right? Hope things work out for you both.

[intuition897]

Sounds like you two are in for a busy time getting to know one another. I can fully appreciate what it means to not just love someone, but be truly in love. It still doesn't make up for good old-fashioned hard work. It takes time for lives to fully intertwine. You might have started off really well, and that's great, but as they say, Rome wasn't built in a day.

And btw, just because you found each other on a swinger's site doesn't automatically mean you're both swingers (yet) ...does it? Mr. Gung-Ho needs to back up a bit. Dezray, you are right on in your attitude towards swinging. It should be a nice addition to your life, it shouldn't BECOME your life. And I'm less than impressed with his lack of sensitivity during this difficult time for you. If he's still insisting on having his way - even though he knows that you are unable to participate - the boy needs a reality check. And he needs to make a decision: You...or swinging. What's it going to be? Now, he can have both, if he plays his cards right, but right now, his impatience is costing him big time. If he insists on having everything he wants RIGHT NOW! then he's risking the relationship that he supposedly values so much.

I may be jumping the gun, here. It would be interesting to hear from Mr. Dezaray.

[blondie77]

Originally Posted by dezaray

he has had some experience in the past, mainly with an x gf/the love of his life, that did him wrong in the swinging thing, VERY VERY VERY bad ending! and yes i do believe it affects our relationship

This seems like a red flag to me! The fact that you call his ex "the love of his life' doesn't sound good to me. If the two of you are even considering swinging...YOU need to be the love of his life! Just my opinion.

[JTcamp05]

dez

you have so many things going on in your life......take a break from the swinging......you may or may not come back to it......but it sure sounds as if it causes stress and your still hurting from the loss of your child........you of all people don't need added stress......

cant compare to the pain you must feel, but if i'm ever having a tough time with something usually walk away from a problem clear my head and a solution is not too far off........sounds to me like you need a break from it all... doesnt mean you have to end it, just time to clear your head

[fun4Ds]

hi dez, im not trying to judge you or your relationship. we have been through some trauma and drama ourselvs and all it took was mrs.fun to say hit the breaks on swinging and things came to a full stop. yes we have and were in a long term relationship first. we do check and post on the board and also on Swing Lifestyle.that was agreed on by both of us, but that dosent mean we are swapping now. we decided that would be our boundries and we stick to the rules. rules that we make together. i dont know if its possible for you but one step we have taken is to seek some profesional help and it seems that you might benifit from it. luckily for us the long term benifits were allready established. we always have each other above all els.our oldest son and daughter in law were the first in our family to seek some profesional help (NO THEY ARE NOT SWINGERS!!! GIVE ME A BREAK IF YOUR EVEN THINKING THAT) with their relationship before they were married and some relationship grounds had to be established. first thing they learned was from a profesional when the conversation got heated up was to have that person stand up and walk write out saying "im not here to listen to the argument" and walked out. you need to respect each other that when things are not on a talking /listening level. TAKE TIME OUT walk away if even for a half hr. and try talking again. maby this isnt making any sence now, but relationships have to be worked on sometimes. and if the relationship isnt FIRST then the normal everyday stuff like jobs,bills, family, friends arn't going to be easy. i dont know how to explain this and this might be a bad example but i look at it like this ...

an onion has a core and many layers surround it. now if you keep adding bad layers then its going to take alot of peeling thoes layers away to get to the core. some layers will be great and some layers will be terrible but we build thoes layers non the less. i hope you can work on thoes layers because in the core is a peacefull life. and you deserve that . mr.fun