Wife wants to swing, I'm afraid if I don't let her she'll be unhappy

[Edison Carter]

Susan here--If she fucks this guy and really digs it, she's going to be an emotional mess. A real emotional mess and so will you, because every time you have sex with her you'll see his ock inside her. Just speaking my mind.

[JohnUK1]

Originally Posted by Edison Carter

Susan here--If she fucks this guy and really digs it, she's going to be an emotional mess. A real emotional mess and so will you, because every time you have sex with her you'll see his ock inside her. Just speaking my mind.

I'm not an emotional mess with this. But having her love him does mess me up.I don't believe she does. She certainly doesn't seem to be pining for him. I think she's just learning to differenciate between love and sexual intimacy. We in no way are planning anything definite for the future. Just spending time quality with each other for now.

[JohnUK1]

Originally Posted by Alura

JohnUK1 wrote:

We still love each other so much. She says its been a learning curve for her sexually and emotionally and she's still learning. Ditto for me!!

We're taking it one day at a time. She hasn't phoned him. She told him last time she spoke to him that that was the last time she would speak to him. I believe her. That was the day we'd split up.
The kids are fine and we're determined to keep it that way!

I haven't read the entire thread, John, but the above seems to say a lot about your relationship.

If y'all want to stay together but give your wife (or both of you) experiences you've not had before, why not find another couple and do some real swinging. It's a whole lot safer when the other people involved are as dedicated to each other as y'all are to each other.

I think y'all might do well as swingers but it seems this open relationship business could destroy all y'all have built together, including your kids' stable home.

Maybe tomorrow (Sunday) I can take time to read the whole thread. Maybe I'll modify my advice.

I lived in Shepherd's Bush for a time. Loved London!

Mr. Alura

That's a really good idea, having another loving couple, and certainly what I would want. Maybe this is the way forward. She's not really into the idea of looking for swingers but rather find the right person by chance. I know she doesn't like the idea of sex with strangers. I know we could build up a relationship 1st. We'll have to see and talk about this one!

[sereneiders]

JohnUK,

The fact is, there is a broad spectrum of swinger couples. As there are those who just want sex right now without any sort aof attachmente, there are those who expect to develop some degree of intimacy with their potential playmates before actually engaging into something, and would engage only if they feel everithing is ok among everyone involved. And the later ones are the ones who would fit your requirements.

So, they dislike the idea of having sex with strangers as much as many swingers. Perhaps the problem here would be a prejudice towards the lifestyle. A prejudice you may find out pretty often after reading threads started by curious people who want to explore the lifestyle but refuse the idea of "meeting strangers", so they say "we'd like to start and we have this friend of us we feel confident enough".

What actually happens is we need to fulfill a set of prerequisites before getting laid with someone (which ones or how many deppends on every one of us), and we trend to do it in a well known environment where we'd feel confortable enough and in control of what may happen as things evolve. We get rid of our previous experiences as to do so, and for first timers, the only experience they have are the "vanilla" ones. And even more if you need some emotional attachment to be able to give up yourself to have sex: you'd follow the same path you already know developing such an attachment, but disregardtng the fact that, even when you plan to avoid such an attachment to interfer with your marriage, there's no previous expecience allowing you to success on your plan.

When we advice against starting swinging with friends it is because the risk of avoiding these attachment problems is way higher than the risks involved when you develop a relationship from the scratch with the same purpose in mind, moreover if your playmates are also a couple who pusruse the same purpose for themselves (thus, helping "shielding" you from their emotions as well).

And the problem with the second option comes from the fears about these unknown folks, and the best way to deal with those fears is getting to know them.

For this purpose this forum would be helpfull. I'd sugger you to invite your wife to participate, read posts, ask question, and find out the swingers are regular guys facing the same issues and fears, who use this forum as a guideline to avoid both the problems you're facing now, and the eventual problems both of you are affraid of.

[Tantra]

I'm sorry, but you guys seem to pretty much fit to a T the very definition of a couple with DRAMA. My suggestion is to work out your issues and not burden other couples with drama.

[Alura]

Very good point, Tantra. It's true that John and his wife are going through some "drama," but I feel they are making strides.

If they can focus their interests on couples, rather than single men, they may be able to work better with each other within an environment that offers little threat. It's hard to fear your wife will leave you for another man if you're sure that guy is head-over-heels in love with his own wife.

Of course, they need to solve these dramas as much as possible before playing with a couple, and that couple needs to be carefully selected. It would also help if the couple they might eventually chose were aware of the problems they've previously had so they can be better armed to help.

There are lots of problems in life that are hard to solve and sometimes we need help. There's nothing wrong with that.

Alura

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by Tantra

I'm sorry, but you guys seem to pretty much fit to a T the very definition of a couple with DRAMA. My suggestion is to work out your issues and not burden other couples with drama.

Wheter I find usefull to advice swingers to avoid couples with dramas, I believe it is pointless, and even more, that i'ts wrong to advice a couple to avoid swinging because they actually have a drama and they'd be burdening other couples.

Both advices may seem to be the same, but they aren't the same.

There's no way for any of us, disregarding how experienced we may be in the lifestyle, and how well we perceive everighting is going in our marriage, to grant we won't fall into a drama. The lifestyle involves way more factors than the ones we can control, and we cannot foresight what could trigger a drama for ourselves (we may foresight what wouldn't, but this is a different story).

When swinging we choose to avoid the conservative approach most vanilla couple have, attempting to grant they won't face certain sort of drama. As swingers, we should be up to find out couples with drama, and to face situations that could be way more prone to drama than the ones we'd face if we were chosing to remain at home watching cable TV instead of dating other couples. JUST THEN we may take the advice, AFTER finding out a drama, to avoid playing with those folks to preserve ourselves from such a drama.

But we shouldn't blame on people for their dramas or for being in pain, it isn't something they do in purpose, and even less it is something they do willing to damage others.

If we were up to blame on others for their drama, if we were up to advice people against swinging just because they MAY harm others with their own drama, we'd be advicing people to take the conservative approach: if you have a doubt, then you better go home and watch cable TV because FOR SURE this way you wont hurt other people.

Swinging or not, we all have certain risk of having our cuote of drama in our lives, and life make us face drama on a daily basis. It doesn't need to have to do with jealously or a marriage issue: a relative one illnes is enough to put you in pain, and the question is if you can deal with your own drama (of any sort) as to avoid bringing it to third ones that, in some context, don't want to know about your drama.

So, you actually don't know if the OP and his wife could be able to deal with this drama on their own, as to ensure this drama WILL damage others. In fact, you don't know anything about "no drama" people you already played with; you cannot say "they're fine", the only you can say about them is "they're so profficient dealing with drama that we didn't notice", which is ENOUGH for you to ensure you stick to the "avoid other couple's drama" advice, but also that IT'S NOT NECESARY to advice others to "avoid HAVING drama".

If we were to peg what's necesary to what's enough here, we'd all have to be as conservative as to go home, watch cable TV, and close the forum because swinging wouldn't worth the risks involved.

[JohnUK1]

Well certainly don't plan on burdening another couple with our drama. We'll only meet another couple a long way down the road if we're both ready. Actually we're both (moreso her) going through a learning experience. She is for the 1st time in her life experimenting and experiencing sexual pleasure where it does not involve being totally in love with the person. We've talked and talked and she is coming to realise that what she felt/thought she felt was more her response to the act of making love rather than her true feelings for him. I believe she's making good progress in recognising the difference.