Boyfriend brought up swinging, but now that I'm enjoying it he wants to stop

[winemedinemewha]

Boyfriend of 4 years.. HE introduced ME to swinging and it felt like --- ahhhh, THIS is what I've been looking for...

Now he doesn't want to "share me" because he has realized he "loves" me. Lessee, how the heck did he feel for the FIRST three and a half years when we had an open relationship (at his insistence)??

I love him but I don't want to give up swinging. It feels like something I've been looking for all my life and I want to explore it more, even on my own. I feel like he's just trying to control me (first he wants it, then he doesn't, blah blah) but perhaps he's right and I am just being selfish...

[sereneiders]

Well, you face a hard question.

HMO, it isn't a matter of who's right and who's being selfish: both of you can "be right" at once, both of you have the right to be selfish.

There are two problems here:

1) The change of your commited rules. It seems he want to make an unilateral change here, when it should be an agreenment. The risk is, if he does so... how would you know if something like this, another change in the commitment you have, won't happen in the future?

2) The "love" definition. He now loves you to the point of wanting "exclusivity", but didn't care to "share you" before... so, he wasn't such in love as today but anyway he leave you believe he was? Giving this uncertanity... how certain can you be today, or in the future, about his feelings?

I'd like to know if the "share me" you quoted came from his mouth. If so, I dislike the word, it'd be implying you're his property.

I'd be very carefull about this. Keep being selfish and try to find out what lead to this change. Jealousy is insecutiry: he may be insecure about himself and his performance, about your feelings, and so on, at last, uncertain about his own hability to avoid losing you or something you aldeady gave to him. This coulc come from anywhere, even a tinny change of attitude, something said that wasn't important for you.

If you were togheter three and a half years, and you were swinging without problems, there may be something that threaten him enough as to ask you to stop swinging. The insecurities belongs to himself, but any of you, or both, may have been triggered it, so it would be important to know what was that trigger and which are his fears.

[cumhungrycouple]

Originally Posted by winemedinemewha

Boyfriend of 4 years.. HE introduced ME to swinging and it felt like --- ahhhh, THIS is what I've been looking for...

Now he doesn't want to "share me" because he has realized he "loves" me. Lessee, how the heck did he feel for the FIRST three and a half years when we had an open relationship (at his insistence)??

I love him but I don't want to give up swinging. It feels like something I've been looking for all my life and I want to explore it more, even on my own. I feel like he's just trying to control me (first he wants it, then he doesn't, blah blah) but perhaps he's right and I am just being selfish...

Hi, I am a little confused do you mean swinging as in both of you together meet singles/couples/groups for 3/4somes and group sex and never apart or

you had an open relationship where you both met people individually?

or a bit of both?

It makes a big difference to any answers IMHO

From the "I love you statement" I suspect you mean "open relationship"

[fun4Ds]

assuming that you love him and you are in touch with your emotions. HIT THE BRAKES.
its defanitly time to comunicate not swing.take some time.determin where your relationship is. remember only move as fast as the slower person in a commited relationship.take some advice from the members here and realy talk this out. you feel that you belong here in this lifestyle, it takes 2 people sharing those feelings in a relationship. best wishes with comunication.

[Additude]

You know what? Things change, life changes, relationships change, love grows and so on. It's like a big oak tree with many branches and stems.

I would say your faced with some decisions then. This is your boy friend, not your husband. Your not married to him....your only commited.

So, if he wants to stop swinging because he now "Loves" you then that's understandable as love grows, feelings grow with it. I don't think he is feeling possessive of you as much as now his feelings are thinking how much they don't want to loose you. If he really loves you then he needs to be considering marriage and a family.

You like swinging and I think he does also, just that in the beginning when you two first started swinging the relationship was more casual for him, probably for you also. Now his feelings have grown for you and he wants to stop swinging, something he introduced you to and something you discovered you like.

So, are you ready to move on? End the relationship with him and explore the world of swinging with out him? Maybe you are and maybe your not. If you end the relationship then will your next boy friend or partner even consider swinging? Do you want to swing alone as a single female?

If you are both swinging alone and not together, such as an open relationship, then your decision to either leave or stay is easier for both of you.

If you don't want to move on then it's time for a heart to heart talk with him. The bottom line is he made his bed and now he has to sleep in it. You can explain to him that for right now anyways, swinging is something you want to do and you want his love also. Maybe you and he can compromise. For example; limit your swinging to once or twice a month or something else.

I think the situation is negotiable, your "In Love" BF is going to have to be the one to make a bigger compromise because he got you started into this to begin with. Your compromise is based on your needs / wants and how you want to persue and explore further swinging.

Who knows, swinging may just be a "Thing" for you right now and although I do not know your age, if your young your priorities may change after you start a family, etc.

So, if it comes down to ending the relationship then I'd let him end, or both of you mutually agree to end it, as this impasse in your relationship is based on his change of mind. Tell him you need swinging in your sex life and want to share it in your relationship with him. If that doesn't work for him, especially now after he involved you in it, then it would be best if you both moved on.

[EvilMJ]

Well I have to agree with the the line of thought that this is your boyfriend and not your husband. Are you willing to give up the three years you invested in him to go into swinging, keeping in mind that just like any activity the newness will wear off over time, and it definately has a lot of downsides to it. Ultimately the choice has to be this: Which one CAN'T you live with out?

Take some time and have a serious discussion with him and determine if you can reach a comprimise, are you going to have to get out of swinging all together, or are you going to have to end the relationship. Only you know the answer to this one.

[lovedoctor]

"Ultimately the choice has to be this: Which one CAN'T you live with out?"


Exactly! Well said MJ!

Sounds like this guy doesn't mind "openness" unless you are getting more out of it than he is! If you want to keep the relationship, seek counseling. With or without him, you need some help to sort this out. Good luck!

[sexyshelby]

Well, this is tough one. Like others said, it's about which one is more important to you.

But you need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend. Why does he not want this anymore? And because he loves you is not a good enough answer in my opinion. You need to find out what he's been feeling to make him change his mind.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

~SS

[SrKnight]

I'm sorry to haer you've come upon this problem. My initial answer to you would be the same as to a male who's gf didn't want to swing anymore. For the moment, stop. In any swinging relationsgip two of the most important guidelines to follow are:

1. progress at the comfort level of the least comfortable person only.
2. communicate, communicate, communicate.

As his comfort level has apparently lowered and you don't understand why or what has caused the change, I would venture that the communication between the two of you is lacking. Sit down and discuss the situation, what it is that has changed for him. Talk about it until you fully realize and understand the "why's" of the whole situation. Once the two of you understand fully what is happening to cause this change in your relationship, you will be able to make informed decisions to best suit you both.

In the past when things have bothered Princess Dawn with aspects of the lifestyle, we always found communication helped us solve all.

Best advise here? Talk.
Good luck.

[wtxcpl]

Originally Posted by Additude

I would say your faced with some decisions then. This is your boy friend, not your husband. Your not married to him....your only commited.

Originally Posted by EvilMJ

Well I have to agree with the the line of thought that this is your boyfriend and not your husband.

I've never understood this. Does a contract (marriage certificate) really make a difference? Can you not be committed without being married?

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by wtxcpl

I've never understood this. Does a contract (marriage certificate) really make a difference? Can you not be committed without being married?

Yea, there's a difference. It's like leasing a car versus buying it outright. The overall "cost" is about the same, but one method just keeps it off the books.

[EvilMJ]

Originally Posted by JnCC

Yea, there's a difference. It's like leasing a car versus buying it outright. The overall "cost" is about the same, but one method just keeps it off the books.

..

I'm not saying that you cannot be commited in a relationship when you are not married. To me the difference is when you are not married it is a whole lot easier to break up with someone if you determine that you are not right for each other, then it is when you are married.

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by EvilMJ

..

I'm not saying that you cannot be commited in a relationship when you are not married. To me the difference is when you are not married it is a whole lot easier to break up with someone if you determine that you are not right for each other, then it is when you are married.

Well, we have a 16 years relationship, technically speaking we're not married altough we reffer to each other as husband and wife for short. The commitment has nothing to do with what you keep off the books, and no one is able to say how long is enough to turn a commited relationship into a "serious" one, if 6 months, 3 years, 16 years, or 25.

Let's suppose she said she meet him 3,5 years ago, and actually married him one year ago. The only adition she'd have here is that, should she decide to break up, she'd have to face a legal overload, i.e., divorce paperwork. So the issue would be basically the same wheter she were married or not.

She's asking for advice because of the emotional stress this situation brings to her. This is something subjective, no one can deprive this stress from weight because there isn't a marriage involved, even for those who actually feels, subjectively, that marriage makes a difference.

So, I think we should stick to the emotional stress and the ways she may have to deal with it, as to be able to reach to her own decision.

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by EvilMJ

I'm not saying that you cannot be commited in a relationship when you are not married. To me the difference is when you are not married it is a whole lot easier to break up with someone if you determine that you are not right for each other, then it is when you are married.

That's what I meant. A lot cheaper too, especially if you're the primary wage-earner in the family.

Four years ain't exactly a "Spring Fling," and he was the one who brought her into this. There's something missing here. I wonder what's really going on with him?

I think some people are "situational swingers." That is, they can be, in the right relationship. The rest of us either are, or we aren't. I was very fortunate to be married to a woman who was a situational swinger. It would be a bitch to learn that you were a "real" swinger, only to find out, after 4 years, that your partner wasn't.

I'd still like to hear his side of the story...the real side. But since he's not sharing it with her, he probably isn't going to share it with us, either.

[Coupleinidaho]

Originally Posted by winemedinemewha

Boyfriend of 4 years.. HE introduced ME to swinging and it felt like --- ahhhh, THIS is what I've been looking for...

Now he doesn't want to "share me" because he has realized he "loves" me. Lessee, how the heck did he feel for the FIRST three and a half years when we had an open relationship (at his insistence)??

I love him but I don't want to give up swinging. It feels like something I've been looking for all my life and I want to explore it more, even on my own. I feel like he's just trying to control me (first he wants it, then he doesn't, blah blah) but perhaps he's right and I am just being selfish...

Without your boyfriend's input, it's impossible to give a fair and balanced opinion. But from your post, it appears to me (Mrs.) that you are angry his feelings on the subject of swinging have changed. Pulling the ole' "he's trying to control me" is a bit much too. So what if he was the one that introduced you to swinging/open relationships, that doesn't mean he can't change his mind after experiencing the lifestyle. In fact, your "blah blah blah" comment really strikes me as being self-centered and immature. Communication is the cornerstone to any relationship (swinging or vanilla), and the two of you really need to work on that area, if you decide to stay with him.