Wife Does not Enjoy, Will she change her mind?

[stanlane]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

Ok, Teresa has a point. I have to admit I did not notice they are in Pakistan. I now understand a bit better what he is talking about but honestly, does not change my personal feelings on this matter.

No matter where anyone lives, the wife should not be going along just to make the husband happy.

Before we go around bashing people, we should at least take the time to examine their personal info.

[celtic239]

I'm getting a tad confused. I keep reading that it was usually the man who suggested and, dare I say, pleaded and beg the woman to get into the lifestyle but that it was the originally reluctant woman who keeps them there. So at what point does the reluctance wear off and the woman start to enjoy the Lifestyle.

[belgiumCouple]

I'm the first to say that you shouldn't push someone into swinging. But I'm also the first to say that a gentle push now and then can change a lot. Let me describe our situation.
I thought that my wife was the last one on earth that could be convinced to swing. After 15 years of marriage (20 years together) our sex live was about to be somehow non-existent. Some of that was her fault, some of that was mine but the biggest reason was lack of communication. Sure there wasn't lack of communication on day-to-day subjects like the kids, the family, renovating our house but there was almost no communication on our relation, sex live....
Due to some circumstances some day we started communicating about this, and I took the chance and brought up the subject "swinging". The first reaction was: "NO WAY". I let it cool down for a few weeks, but we we're still communication about other aspects of our sex live. We love to tease and surprise each other, so I started a tease-session about a surprise trip I had planned, giving her all kind of hints and tips that would lead to what we would do. Besides going to shop, staying in a very nice suite in a very beautiful hotel, sightseeing,... one of the nights we would be going to a swingers club. I picked out one quite far from us: so she wouldn't be afraid to meet someone we know, but also because it got reviews to be the best one around, not only offering swinging facilities, but also a sauna, massage temple...
Her first reaction when she found out (and this was shortly before we left) was: "I'm NOT going into that place". We talked a lot and we finally agreed on going to it, and staying until at least 11pm, the moment that the 'dress-code' starts and we should go into lingerie. Until 11pm it should be like a regular disco... After 11pm she could ask us to leave at any moment, no questions asked...
When we entered she was very nervous, we ate, danced,.. and around 11 got undressed (in lingerie). We went to the massage temple and I gave her a nice massage. I had to put a little pressure on her to take of the rest of her clothes (you're nice new lingerie will get greasy...), but she did. Then she started giving me a massage and it seemed that I wasn't the only one who was really turned on, she started having sex we me (her on top) and had one of her biggest orgasms ever.
We shortly left after that, and talked for a few hours, when I asked her: will we ever come again, she replied: "hmm yes but not in the first 6 months".
At home we talked about it quite often, told her I wanted to go again (earlier) but would wait until she wanted to go again. After about 3 months I asked her if she was ready for a next visit or if she wanted to wait more. Again she hesitated a bit and I had to push her a little bit, but we went. We had a great time again, did a bit more (into the big jacuzzi), and talked about it afterwards a lot again. This time she agreed that 6 months is too long and that she wouldn't mind coming every 3-4 months to this club. Too make a long story short we're 8 months later now and we've been 5 times to a club.
Even more she planned a vacation in a swingers hotel as a surprise for me. We couldn't go (the hotel closed unexpectedly), but I found something else: a swingers boat trip. First she didn't want to go because the limited amount of other guests (only 3 other couples) and because it was a whole week (what if it's not good, if the couples aren't nice, if they're pushy...). After some talking we went, and we can both say that this is the nicest vacation we ever had together... !!!

Until the boat trip we hadn't done anything with another couple (in the beginning because she didn't want to, during our last club visit because we couldn't find a couple that we both wanted to) so this was going to be our first experience. I was definitely going to be disappointed if no swap occurred, she was still a bit afraid of it.... Well nothing happened during the trip and I have to say, she more disappointed about that than I am...
2 of the couples knew each other and didn't want to make contact to us and the other couple thought they were too old for us (they are in there late 40's, we are in our mid 30's). We we're to green to take initiative with them and they didn't want to because of the age difference... (they wanted but thought we wouldn't want to). To my surprise my wife was almost more eager to swap than I was, one of the last days she asked me if I would mind having a separate room swap as the rooms where too small for 4 people and during the last 2 days the boat was in a port and we couldn't have sex on deck on the big mattress. It didn't came that far but we assured the couple that they are not too old and since we all like each other.... (unfortunately they live about 250 miles from us).
So you see that sometimes a little push can help, but I agree that if the other person says no, you should respect that and give it some time. If after that time it's still a no, give it some more time, and after.... until you both agree or you give up.

Sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes, English is not my native language...

[BradAndJanet]

Thanks for the story, belgiumCouple.

-B

[sereneiders]

belgiumCouple,

From your story I wouldn't saw you was pushy, instead that your wife needed an excuse to get out from the closet You even said a couple of times how you was "surprised" by the way she took the lead.

In any case, we shouldn't jump to conclusions based solely in your story, nor in anyone's else story alone. It is true, perhaps, that the first "NO WAY" reaction doesn't necesarilly mean this is the final word. After all, you're shaking your wife's world, asking her to become "the whore" instead of the good girl she was supposed to be in order to be accepted as a wife, so it makes sense that the first reaction could be a defensive one.

However, it seems the OP wife already attempted to say no in many ways, and gave him a lot of clues about how much she dislike the whole idea. And it is ok: swinging isn't everyone's cup of tea, in fact, it is a very few one's cup ot tea. And we don't even have her words for it, but her husbands words, and that's enough to tell she already drown the line, and he's being just pushy... but "pushy" here means, when you push beyond that line... which wasn't your case. Right?

[ShellyM]

I think every couple is just different. In our case it was my idea to enter into the lifestyle. We moved at Jay's pace and now have a lot of fun in this. Gentlemen, you must understand what you are asking a woman to undertake when you say lets become swingers! lol. Society teaches us that we are to be "good girls"...yes, even in the 21st century. Still to this day commercials show only Mom cleaning the house, chasing the kids, etc. I don't see any swiffer mop commercials with a dad...they only show Mom cleaning...perfectly dressed, smiling away and oh so happy to be mopping her floors. Just a different hair do from the 50s lol. So you ask this woman who has been taught to be a good girl to become a swinger. You have to be patient and give her some time to think about things. Don't push, just let her go through her own thought processes.
Shelly

[daisy girl]

I think you should stop swinging and start discovering your sexuality as a couple. You may not be explicitly pressuring her, but she may feel a sense of duty and/or obligation to please you.

It is always sad to think about someone doing something that they do not enjoy. She has clearly stated that she does not enjoy it. To me, that says it all.

[CrimsonCrew]

Hi Pakidesires
After reading all the posts on this and your replies i have this to suggest: If i was you, i would stop the MFM activity and let the wife come up with the suggestion. I ould however, continue to use fantasies with her, role playing etc and would contiue to talk to her on this.

Being from the same culture as you are, i think the upbringing and culture may be playing a role here, but lets say that your wife is the one who should decide and should enjoy.

Ask her what she enjoys in an open relationship and go from there (if she enjoys it at all).