Fell in love with a swinger but I'm not comfortable with swinging

[midnite_madness]

I met a guy on a sex and swingers site. We started out just having casual sex. Three weeks later he got deployed overseas. We had clicked extremely well. During his tour overseas we stayed in touch and talked everyday. Somewhere along the way we fell for each other. In the midst of all of this we also shared secret fantasies and desires. We seemed extremely compatible with each other. One exception was that I knew he wanted to swing, and while I wasn't completely opposed to the idea, I wasn't sure I could handle watching him with other women. I never lied to him about my insecurities in that area. And he never lied to me about wanting a swinging lifestyle. He has since come back from Iraq, and we started off on a life together. We've attempted swinging twice with other couples. The other day that all came to a screeching halt when I told him I wasn't sure I wanted to swing and asked him if he'd leave if I didn't. Basically, after several days of tear-filled heart-breaking conversations the answer was yes, because it's something he doesn't want to give up. And I'm not willing to say yes, it's something I can accept for the rest of my life.
I don't know if I really have a question at this point or just needed to vent. But, I guess it comes down to my insecurities of him being with other women. How do you make that go away? I know rationally that he's not going to leave or fall in love with the other woman... but emotionally it seems like a hurdle taller than I can surmount...

[Dave_kat]

It's difficult, the place you find yourself. You know you are in love with him, and he tells you he loves you as well.

But in my opinion, your problem isn't yours, it's his.

I am also a soldier, and for my whole married life, my wife and I have been quite active in playing with others. From the time that we started dating, then after a 3 year hiatus where we concentrated solely on each other.

Our key though, was that we spent the time concentrating on each other first. We made a mutual decision that yes, we loved each other, but we missed the days of just hanging out with friends in whatever state of dress, whatever state of sexual attraction that there was.

Right now you feel insecure in yourself and that he wants only you. You have decided you want him and only him, from coming out of what sounds like the same type thing that my wife and I got tegether in.

If he's not willing to give that sort of thing up, is it possible that he is himself having commitment problems? I'd certainly be concerned that he wants to marry you and is not at all interested in taking a hiatus and just working with you to develop the sort of relationship that builds all the trust for this lifestyle.

There are many reasons for having a wife when you're in the Army. I know because I deal with soldiers daily, soldiers who want the NCOs out of their lives and out of the barracks, to wanting that extra money for the support of a family.

I'd sincerely ask him if he is willing to table the discusson for later, to concentrate on you two versus the group thing and playing with each other. As mutual trust builds within a relationship, as mutual understanding comes, so does the jealousy wither away. Who knows, 3 years from now you might find both of yourselves with a reversed viewpoint.

[sexyshelby]

Well, I am sorry to hear of your situation. But, I have to say, you DID meet on a swinger's site.

I do agree with Dave_Kat, it may be a good idea to work on the two of your first. Build that relationship first, then worry about swinging later on. Although, if he isn't willing to give it up for you, he may not be worth it.

~SS

[Dave_kat]

You know, I missed that part, about the Sex and Swinger's site. Reminds me of this weekend, where we were at a club, and some Army Captain started talkin to my wife and myself. The whole Army guys have to stick together routine and all that.

Come to find out the guy was an unescorted single male who had been LEFT by the couple who had brought him (against the club rules, states that all singles needed to be escorted at all times by their sponsors), and had started telling people that we had brought him.

I overhear soldiers in my unit who have no idea what a "Swinger" is, or that my wife and I swing, talk about signing up and trying to get into a woman's bed that way. Guess they think it's easier than meeting someone on their own.

[sexyshelby]

Originally Posted by Dave_kat

I overhear soldiers in my unit who have no idea what a "Swinger" is, or that my wife and I swing, talk about signing up and trying to get into a woman's bed that way. Guess they think it's easier than meeting someone on their own.

Well, of course it's easier that way. All swingers are dirtly little sluts who'll just fuck anybody!

~SS

[hilltop]

Originally Posted by midnite_madness

How do you make that go away? I know rationally that he's not going to leave or fall in love with the other woman... but emotionally it seems like a hurdle taller than I can surmount...

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation!

You don't make it go away. These are feelings that you have to work with and through. No matter how much your partner reassures you it isn't something that he can put to rest.

Swinging (or any other absolute) can't be a criteria for a relationship. It can only be one small part of the whole. As the previous posters have said, work on what the two of you have and then come back to the swinging issue. If he is willing to let the rest go by the wayside over this one thing then you may have to come to terms with moving on. Don't get into swinging as a way to keep your relationship together. It will only come apart later in a much larger way!

Good luck! I hope you'll be able to work it out.

[JnCC]

You met this guy on a "sex and swingers website," and now, after investing considerable time and effort into this relationship, you've decided that you don't want to swing after all?

That's the kind of shit that drives guys crazy.

Some people say they would have no problem walking away from swinging if their partners asked them to. Other people say it's a deal-breaker, and that if their partners won't swing, they'll go outside the marriage to find someone who does.

My guess is that this is a deal-breaker for him. If the swinging isn't, the duplicity should be.

There's a lot of talk in here about the importance of "honesty in a relationship." You weren't being honest with this guy or with yourself when you posted your ad on a swingers website.

Speaking of honesty, let's be honest about why most single women post ads on adult/swinger websites in the first place. It's because they get more responses there than they do from vanilla sites...TONS more. But if that's why you did it, and you need that much "bait" to attract men, the problems with whatever relationships may ensue may not be rooted in your "insecurities about swinging," but elswhere.

When you chum the waters, you get sharks. Next time, try one hook, one worm, and a little patience. Single guys and would-be swingers everywhere will thank you.

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by hilltop

Swinging (or any other absolute) can't be a criteria for a relationship. It can only be one small part of the whole.

On this, I beg to differ with you. An interest in ANY activity or criteria can be a prerequisite for a relationship, if a person decides that's what's important to them. That's why groups such as "Christian Singles," "Jewish Singles," "Parents Without Partners, " etc. are in existence....those things are important to the members of those groups. "Must Love Dogs" isn't just a movie title...it's a requirement, for people who want to date people who just happen to love dogs.

That's important here, because the common interest that originally brought these two people together was swinging, and because it's virtually impossible for one person in a relationship to be a swinger unless their partner actively supports that interest.

How important being a "swinger" (or being Christian, or Jewish, or a single parent) is, or should be, to a relationship is something that could be debated all day long. The fact is, that to this guy, it WAS important...important enough that he went to a swingers website, and not to a vanilla one, to meet women.

He is, or wants to be. She isn't, and doesn't want to be. Why do people try so hard to make things "fit," when there obviously isn't a connection on something as important as this?

[MrsVan]

Originally Posted by midnite_madness

But, I guess it comes down to my insecurities of him being with other women. How do you make that go away? I know rationally that he's not going to leave or fall in love with the other woman... but emotionally it seems like a hurdle taller than I can surmount...

I know what you mean when it comes to insecurities when it comes to watching the man you love be with another woman. MrVan and I have an amazing relationship and through my past relationships I have not been able to get over the insecurities..Our first swap didn't bother me but as we get closer to our first FFM, I begin to get concerned. But by talking over my concerns with MrVan and continuing to know that at the end of the night he will be going home with me, that is all I need to make sure that my insecurities are gone. I know that he loves me and will never leave me as our relationship is so strong. It takes time and you both need to talk things through and explain why you have the insecurities and have him to help you realize that he is wanting only you to share his life with.

I feel for your situation and wish you the best of luck!

MrsVan

[Dave_kat]

Originally Posted by JnCC

You met this guy on a "sex and swingers website," and now, after investing considerable time and effort into this relationship, you've decided that you don't want to swing after all?

That's the kind of shit that drives guys crazy.

I have to disagree here. Sites like AFF also have ads for singles seeking singles, so swinging might not have been such a prominent aspect of the original post. "Swinging while dating" for us at least, is along the lines of sex-buddies or even the way Kat and I met. When we dated, sure we slept wit our friends. But after, when we decided to get married, we stopped. Built our own relationship outside of the sex with friends. We discussed it years later and went back into things, once our relationship was firmly developed.

It may have been a poor choice of sites to use, it might have implied the wrong thing. But if it was a fem seeking male ad, where does swinging even come into it, except somewhat related due to the site they viewed each other's profile?

[Dynamar]

Originally Posted by Dave_kat

It may have been a poor choice of sites to use, it might have implied the wrong thing.

Gee... ya think?

With all due respect to the OP, this is a simple case of bait and switch if ever I saw one. Wanna know why lots of people think most single women in the lifestyle are bat-shit crazy? Situations like the one the OP has found herself in are why.

Honey, realize this... dollars to donuts it's not going to work out with Mr. Wonderful here. You'd be doing yourself specifically, and the single male population in general, a favor to keep it to vanilla dating sites.

[DBL D]

My wife once asked me if I would still love her if she weighed 300 pounds and I said I wouldn't; at least not the same way. That was before we got married. If she'd asked that after we were married, well, we wouldn't have the same opportunities to walk away from it, if that was to be the criteria. Sounds selfish I know, but she asked. You don't just meet someone and start compromising do you? I'd stay married...but not as happily, because my priorites weren't being met.

This situation sounds similar. You can still walk away and not feel so hurt. Live and learn. Your man has decided that he has to swing. That doesn't mean he will never love you or take care of you. Separate sex and love and have a good start to understanding him. As for you and the bait and switch? That is a tough test. I know swingers take "breaks" to "reconnect". They realize the importance of their relationship and it's place in the big picture.

Trust is one of the things that makes swinging work. The fact that you are just having sex or "fun" with someone else and you then leave together. Sure other swingers may have differences in how they deal with this but that is the general tone.

I won't tell you what to do other than talk some more...and some more.

M.D.

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by Dave_kat

Sites like AFF also have ads for singles seeking singles, so swinging might not have been such a prominent aspect of the original post. ...if it was a fem seeking male ad, where does swinging even come into it, except somewhat related due to the site they viewed each other's profile?

I agree, AFF is slightly different from the other sites, in that it's focus tends to be more on plain old "sex" rather than "swinging." Because she used the term "sex and swingers site," I assumed that it was either Swingers Board, Swingers Date Club, Swappernet, or another one in which the words "Swinging" or "Swapping" were part of the title.

BTW, it sounds like you guys had your priorities right when you started your relationship. Congratulations on getting it right...

[midnite_madness]

We did in fact meet on AFF... and I was only looking for men for casual encounters... for whatever reason there was an instant spark between us.
He was deployed only a few weeks after we met, but we kept in touch and it got to the point that he called and we IM'd every day. So, we naturally decided to move into a relationship. Yes, I knew he had interests in swinging from early on because we were very open with each other about our desires. I had never done any swinging before we met, and I in turn was interested in trying it, but was not sure I'd be comfortable with it... especially when it came to sharing with other women. We talked about all of this... many times... I think he felt that I was open enough that if I tried it I'd like it and get more into it... And I felt that it was something I was willing to try out, but if it wasn't comfortable then we could step away from that and it would be ok. Well, we were both wrong....

So, anyway, we had a good long talk tonight.... and we're working on it... yes, it's a trust issue for me... something I'll have to work on...
Yes, it's something he wants and doesn't feel he should have to give up.

To his credit, he has never pressured me to perform... but rather has left it up to me to decide who and when....

Anyways, thanks all for your responses... there is a lot of good points mentioned to think on and discuss.

[sereneiders]

I agree with JnCC here. Even when she meet this guy trough AFF, this guy was upfront with her when telling the importance the lifestyle would have in a relationship for him.

The problem here is that she let grow her expectations even knowing of her own incertanities about engaging in something this guy stated beforehand was critical for him in a relationship.

"I am looking for short guys, but I start meeting a tall one telling him tall guys are fine for me. Once hooked in the relationship I will ask him to chop his legs at the heingt of his knees to have a guy fitting my tastes." It doesn't work this way.

Also, the guy expectations about meeting someone TO be swingers is unrealistic. Swinging is an enhancement to the relationship, one that you have to set aside from time to time, when there are issues that could damage the relationship, so he should face that he MAY end up swinging or he MAY not, and there will be moments where he wont be able to swing, and this shouldn't threat the relationship. From the last post, it seems he's aware of this when not pressing her into this, but anyway, I believe he have motivations to feel pissed and misleaded from the scratch.

If I were this guy, I'd be weaving her good bye and ensure to put a safe distance. If not, from now and on... how to trust on her about many other things I could be being missleaded? As example (may not be the case, just to expose the point), I don't want to have kids at least for a couple of years, she agreed but.... ooops... she get pregnant in the next few months... am I able to believe it happends because of an accident? She may stop taking the pill after missleading me, the same way she did before when I told her I wanted to swing.

A relationship is based on mutual trust, and here it seems trust was spoiled, I cannot figure out a way to recover it. Sorry.