Fell in love with a swinger but I'm not comfortable with swinging

[midnite_madness]

yes, we talked about swinging being somethink he liked and wanted, but it never came up before now that it was something he wasn't willing to live without....
I really don't believe I did any iny intentional misleading... I was upfront about my fears and issues with swinging in all our conversations on the subject...

Neither he nor I has ever been in a swinging relationship before this.... so it's not a lifestyle that he's been into and I've tried to pull him away from... I'm the first woman he's been with that's been willing to try it out...

[twobears]

My dear please don't let your man go out that door!!!!!!!!! I was there once and the main thing to remember that sex with other's are internament social sex and the big word sex,it is not LOVE !!!! that is hard for us women sometimes, but if you and he just talk about it. Tell him you are sorry for not being truefull to him, ask his to forgive you, kiss and talk and talk let him know you are willing to go that way. Tell him how you enjoyed talking to him about it and you want to go that way but you will ask him to help you that you love him and need his help. When you talk about these feeling of why you can't stand the thoughts of him with another woman it is just being jealous. You have to love him effect and most improtant, YOUR SELFto look at your feeling about you!!! You will soon understand as you two talk that is a very old way us human's have devolped over time, in other words no big deal, he should be proud that you feel this way. He will understand this and you don't see yourself as someone that he could love you that much too trust you & in his trust in his love for you. Trusting each other to be truthfull about everything nothing is too small to talk about here,this is one of the keys to enjoying swinging and having just fun sex not love and your committment to your marriage or the love you now have for him, no matter what!!!! Why it takes some couples years to come to even think about swinging, you two are young. One of the things my darling just to say to me is Relax darling Nothing is going to happen unless you want it and this is power yes women have all the power in this lifestyle. Some clubs do not let the males, in this all couples club too ask the lady's for they sexual favor, women do all the asking !!!! This would help me when the old way we are taught to look at sex, woman are to save themselves for one man only, that sex is not for fun, you are dirty, all the old social outlooks. I can do what I want too depending on how I feel. we went slow, just nude games touching, then I realized that I got very turned on by seeing hubby touching another woman's tit's and now we have never been happier in my life I feel totally free in my spirit and if moral issues there is a christ center swinger's site enjoy reading and growing with your lover and husband to be I hope.

[CuriousInOregon]

Originally Posted by JnCC

You met this guy on a "sex and swingers website," and now, after investing considerable time and effort into this relationship, you've decided that you don't want to swing after all?

That's the kind of shit that drives guys crazy.

Some people say they would have no problem walking away from swinging if their partners asked them to. Other people say it's a deal-breaker, and that if their partners won't swing, they'll go outside the marriage to find someone who does.

My guess is that this is a deal-breaker for him. If the swinging isn't, the duplicity should be.

There's a lot of talk in here about the importance of "honesty in a relationship." You weren't being honest with this guy or with yourself when you posted your ad on a swingers website.

Speaking of honesty, let's be honest about why most single women post ads on adult/swinger websites in the first place. It's because they get more responses there than they do from vanilla sites...TONS more. But if that's why you did it, and you need that much "bait" to attract men, the problems with whatever relationships may ensue may not be rooted in your "insecurities about swinging," but elswhere.

When you chum the waters, you get sharks. Next time, try one hook, one worm, and a little patience. Single guys and would-be swingers everywhere will thank you.

Ok I wanna say JNCC OUCH you made her out to be a self-centered BITCH that was basicly on a Fishing trip for a man..... I did not get that from her post at all She met him on a swingers site yes, But If you fall in LOVE with someone and need that reassurance its not wrong to ask that you put your lifestyle on hold to build a Relationship, I also got that he feels strongly for her and Claims to love her and only her, If that is the case then I would assume that he would WANT to put his other relations on hold to secure his life with her not just see her as another "fuck" Sorry to rant to you but i think you took the whole thing wrong If I did I APPOLOGIZE NOW..... I think that if he loves you as he says he does A while of One on One is not too much to ask for.

Curious

[Dave_kat]

I'm still in a bit of disagreement on this one. AFF is for both Singles and Swingers of all orientations, gay, les, bi, you name it.

They talked upfront about how it would be cool to swing, before and perhaps while feelings were developing.

I've said before I've dealt with too many soldiers. Each one having some name like "Pimp-nificent" or "Pimp-licious". "Playas". Those are the ones who talk about their baby's momma while they date the next mother.

I still say that he is not interested in a true relationship where swinging is a distant possibility. Heard the phrase "Have your cake and eat it too"?

I would be willing to bet that if she came back with "ok, we'll swing, but MFM only, no exceptions" that he'd be out the door in less time than it would take his First Sergeant to call "Fall In".

Discussing Swinging as a possibility, even tentatively agreeing to it is common. We've all seen it, young couples wanting to check the waters, you get the emails, you respond, you might even set up a time to meet. In theory it's all well and good. The reality of it is, none of us really want the drama that can come with this sort of lifestyle.

She's changed her mind, that she knows herself well enough to know that she is insecure with the state of their relationship. He's basically told her "I will be allowed to have sex with others or this relationship is done." I'm sorry, but without being willing to commit to 1 on 1 first, there is little to no chance of the relationship working.

And to boot, from what she says, neither of them have ever been in an open relationship before?

Misleading, I don't think either of them have mislead the other. Kudos for that. But basing a relationship off of a desired lifestyle, without developing the trust and confidence of being each other's heart and soul is plain foolish. Kudo's to her for trying to stop the madness.

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by CuriousInOregon

Ok I wanna say JNCC OUCH you made her out to be a self-centered BITCH that was basicly on a Fishing trip for a man

I'm sorry...I certainly didn't mean to. As I said in my previous post, AFF is slightly different from the dedicated swinger sites, and it probably is possible for a persons interests or intentions to be misunderstood. My apologies to midnight madness for any misunderstanding as well.

I stand by my statement that an ad on AFF is serious overkill for most women, though.

AFF is not "eHarmony" or the church socials newsletter. It's a sex site, pure and simple. I think it's safe to make some basic assumptions about people who post ads there. One of them would be that "people who are into purely hedonistic, recreational sex probably aren't going to limit themselves to having it with just one person." That's obviously what he intended.

Too bad about her...

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by midnite_madness

yes, we talked about swinging being somethink he liked and wanted, but it never came up before now that it was something he wasn't willing to live without....
I really don't believe I did any iny intentional misleading... I was upfront about my fears and issues with swinging in all our conversations on the subject...

Neither he nor I has ever been in a swinging relationship before this.... so it's not a lifestyle that he's been into and I've tried to pull him away from... I'm the first woman he's been with that's been willing to try it out...

Well, your original post started wayinng you meet him in a "sex and swingers website" and this started as casual sex.

I obvioulsy don't know the details, I only speak from what I understood from your posts.

From what you say, he want this relationship to be open to swinging as a prerequisite for a commitment. In the other hand, you seem to be already pretty commited yourself with this relationship.

One way or another, the relationship reached a point where it doesn't seem to work.

Yes. You're able to work with your insecurities and your feelings, but it's something hard to do under pressure. I gess you may end up submitting to his wishes and burying those insecurities in order to save the relationship, but should this happens, this would bring up to the surface later on, perhaps in some years, riking the relationship after putting so much effort on it. This MAY resemble those bad businesses where you have to keep investing money
to save it, and the more you invest, the more you get commited into trying to save it, perhaps leding to disaster.

If he is insisting in this requirement, then it seems he had missleaded expectations.

This isn't something to blame on you. The speaker who best can express him/herself can deliver at most 70% of what he/she mean to say. The best listener can understand at most 70% of what he/she is hearing, so at most a 49% of a message is able to be comunicated.

But you both started a relationship with the left foot here. Unless you both take it easy. Insthead of trying to force it into the same sort of "standard" relationship most people have when start dating casually and looking for Mr./Mrs. Right, you may keep working in this as a friendship where casual sex is allowed, and get to know eachother desires and fears in deepth, until both of you feel confident enough to get into the next level.

There is no recipe to engineer a succesfull relationship. People just have to bargain and weight things they want and wouldn't have in a relationsip against those things they get from it, and things may work if the later end up being heavier than the former. You may try to force someone to fit your ideals, if you manage to do it, you may end up facing a nice masturbatory mirror (you'd be with your ideal, i.e., with yourself), and at some ponint along the way the other may feel turned into something he/she don't want to be.

This may happen to any of you, to him if he gives up something that it's so important for him, or to you if you end up doing things you're not comfortable with, like engaging in swinging.

My guts, from what you said so far, is that you're up to give up more than him, and there is something umbalanced here. This is something you may be doing from the very core of your own insecurities (as if you were not conficent enough about your chances to meet a Mr. Right and be accepted), and in this case, this would only feed those insecurities.

So he should be up to give up the swinging wishes as a to balance this relationship, and IMHO, this is the only way you'd feel reasured enough about his love and commitment as to start working with your insecurities.

[far2curiouscpl]

Just 'curious', did this problem ever get resolved? And if so, how?

My 2 cents: You told him you were not sure from the start right? Ok, then why are some people in this thread blaming you solely for this relationship snag? He could have fled the scene at first sign of hesitation from you, but didn’t. Maybe he thought he could 'break you in' or maybe thought that what had developed might be worth rearranging his priorities over. Did you think you could change him? or rearrange his priorities?

Anyways, its just as much his fault as yours; if you really want to place blame. But blame will not help the situation. In 'our' relationship we have done many things, sometimes once or more then once, and usually on a circumstantial basis. For example we may do something, with a couple, in a situation, have a great time and never have any intentions of repeating it. On reflection sometimes we say 'that was great, lets do it again sometime' and other times 'lets not do that again'. But its never a 'lets go find another couple to have sex in the same room with' or ‘lets try to hook up with Bi-chick tonight’ proposition. Could his insistence that he cannot live without this lifestyle be pressing too hard on you? Could you accept it more if it was less of a lifestyle issue? My wife and I do not consider ourselves in a 'lifestyle'; rather, we just 'go with the flow'.

Anyhow, like to hear how it worked out.