How to deal with one partner not being interested in swinging

[ladyjane1]

OK, so after I thought things were going well, hub has backed off. I don't know what it is, he says he's interested, but I can tell something is bothering him and he won't say what. I however, am VERY interested, and know that I would love to do this. I would never do it if he doesn't agree, though, and I would never cheat. So my problem is, um, I guess I'm not sure how to word it. I really want to do this, but if it's not going to happen, what can I do to, er, satisfy the urges, without hurting my husband? Does this make any sense? Please understand, I do not want to cheat, and I respect my hub's wishes, if he is not comfortable, fine. But I am left very disappointed. If this makes any sense to anyone, can ya help me out? TIA!

[Pinmonkey]

I understand where you are comming from ladyjane. But the general rule of thumb is to go at the pace fo the slowest partner. In this case you have to let your husband set the pace of how quickly or slowly things will happen. Just keep talking about it. But remember to keep emotion out of it. (or atleast stronge negative emotion). As far as what you can do to satisfy your urges, other than cheating, I think you just keep a strong fantasy life going. Swinging isn't for everyone. It might not be for him. Let him take his time to figure out things on his own.

At least that's my 2cents worth for free. Good luck to you.

[ladyjane1]

I totally understand about going the pace of the slowest partner, I don't want anyone to think I want to rush him or make him do something he doesn't want to, I am not like that. I guess I just need to deal with the disappointment.....?

[Pinmonkey]

I think so, atleast for now. I've had to deal with the same disappointment. My wife is the one who brought it up, and is now the one who is kinda putting things on hold. It's diappointing, but nothing that can't be delt with IMO. Just keep the lines of communication open. When he's ready, he might be REALLY READY and you might find your self in a cornicopia of flesh and bodily pleasure. Or the closest you might come is that new porn you rented. Who knows?

[Fringeswinger]

Well,

Although I'm not even that far along and may never be, I would say that first you need to be patient and let it simmer. I know in my own situation the chance of it happening is probably ZERO due to the wife and a few of my own issues (not to judge anyone else here).

I understand that and although I'm sure it would be an awesome experience and would be on my top 10 list of things to do before I die, it would get trumped by my wife's feelings. I cannot, would not hurt her or force her to do it through intimidation, guilt, badgering or anything else. She is my best friend and, although it sounds corny, it makes me happy when she is happy. It's no fun if she is in pain or upset.

Actually, if she would just participate in a fantasy role play or hell, just tell me about her own fantasy that would be enough for me! The mind is such an erogenous zone that I can get excited just from reading these posts!

So I would say to satisfy your desires you might want to TRY exchanging those fantasies before, during or after sex. At this point, no pressure, leave it in the bedroom. I can't see any harm in just talking. As for my wife and I, as long as we both understand the context of the statements (fantasy) there is nothing illegal or immoral about it. If the fantasy pleases the other, why not go with it? Isn't that what love is all about? Enjoying each other's happiness?

I can't think of anything my wife could say (in fantasy) that would make me upset or jealous. Just the contrary, I would be ecstatic that she shared her most intimate thoughts with me (as I have with her)! Want another guy? GREAT! Want 2 at a time? Even better! Why should I deny her that when mine is a threesome with her and another girl?

Then of course there are chat rooms, message boards, email exchange, instant messaging, etc. to discuss your desires or go as far as cybersex. I'm not sure how I feel about cyber though. Some feel it is cheating, some don't. If hubby knows that's how you need to handle the situation and he is ok with it, then it is your moral decision. Behind his back is probably just wrong.

Good luck.

[intuition897]

I think maybe you should not give up too easily. No, don't badger him, but keep the door open. He just needs space and time to adjust to what you've proposed, and he needs to know that you are completely open to discussing anything at all with him about it. You could say you've noticed he seems very uncomfortable about the whole thing, and can he tell you specifically what he's feeling about it all? You need this feedback from him. You can't leave this stuff up to the imagination or assumption. Even though neither of you are yet at the stage of implementing your new plan, you've opened the door - openend Pandora's Box, as we say - and now there are questions that have formed because of it. If you don't resolve these quesions, they will fester. Right now, I'll bet he's questioning how devoted you are to this marriage, what/how much he means to you, how capable he is of keeping you satisfied (sexually and otherwise), what HE wants from the marriage, how much he wants a wife who wants to have sex with other people... See what I mean? One unanswered question tends to lead to bigger, uglier and more unrealistic imaginings and bigger and uglier questions. Questions that wouldn't even be formed if the original doubts had been nipped in the bud.

Keep talking to hubby. Make sure he doesn't have any doubts about your intentions or feelings for him and your relationship.

[JustAskJulie]

use toys and movies to act out fantasies with just the two of you. It's not the same but it's something and acting out the fantasies in that way can help you both open up and communicate better which may lead to actual swinging down the road.

[starlinn]

I agree with Julie. Fantacy playing, roll playing, maybe make a date to meet a "stranger" in a singles bar. (Of course, you will be the stranger, and he will be the one meeting you)
There is so much to do together that can help with your sexual urges and needs. Do some research. Is there anything that you both haven't tried yet? Since we have been in the lifestyle, we have expanded our own sexuality in the bedroom. Swinging is like the icing on the cake. If he is the reserve type, plan something that he may be hesitant about, but trusts you enough to try. Let us know how you are progressing.
~starlinn

[WesternSwing]

LadyJane, Intuition is right (she is always spot-on in my opinion ). Your husband is beginning to question himself and his ability to satisfy you. "Why do you want to swing so bad? Aren't I enough?" It's normal. Even those that do swing have issues that arise from time to time.

One big thing swinging has done for us is open-up the lines of communication. The other is give us more faith in each other. We are described by many of our friends as the happiest, most in-love couple they know. This is because we really know why we are together, now. The real substance to a relationship. The level of trust we have now is beyond anything I could have ever imagined coming out of a marriage eight years ago where I was cheated on. And we are hornier now for each other then ever before in our relationship. Everyday is 24 hour foreplay between us.

He needs to know that you are not interested in swinging because he isn't enough for you, but rather you are interested because of the fun you two could have together. Just take it slowly, talk about it with him (I know making him talk will probably be a chore since men internalize things that are threatening to us), make him feel like a king in your life and who knows what will happen.

I like what others have said about role playing and other things to do together. Maybe rent some porn flicks with group sex or foursomes. Use dildos as another cock in your sex together. Make-up scenarios in your sex play that would be like swinging. Have him read the board with you, and do searches on items that maybe concern him. He may start to like the idea more and more.

Mr. WS

[tatandsnoop]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

use toys and movies to act out fantasies with just the two of you. It's not the same but it's something and acting out the fantasies in that way can help you both open up and communicate better which may lead to actual swinging down the road.

Dito

I agree 100% we have yet to find a SM swinger who fits us so we have been using toy's to act out the desire till we do.

It's not the real deal, but it works. Maybe by doing it though, your spouse may find the desire as well.

Tatt

[SnsualPrsuasion]

Although all this advice is good, BradAndJanet gave you a good one in one of your earlier posts. Bring hubby here, read through the plethora of erotic stories, questions, opinions, and well-researched answers to some of the foundation questions that beginners have. He might or might not ever get on the same page as you, but he can at least read & explore & maybe give it further thought.

When we first started out, (Swinging had been strictly pillow talk during our first four years together) we didn't know this board existed, and could have saved ourselves some grief. We had worries about jealousy issues, body issues, not knowing where to find people issues....the list goes on & on.

When we had actally set up our first meet (MFM) I had to work that day, & Mr. Snsual was at home. I come home from work to a darkened house, and him sitting in stony silence in a corner. I ask what's wrong (of course I knew what was coming) and he says "I decided I don't want to do this. I love you too much, I don't want to share you with anyone." I'm silent. (Now, I gotta say, I had just worked my butt off all day long [waitressing] and had spent about half of what I'd made that day at Wal-Mart on a new outfit, candles, condoms, whatever...and I was just thinking, OMG I just spent half of my earnings on NOTHING because he's canceling) And he took my silence to mean that I was angry at him for ruining my chances of sleeping with someone else. We got into this HUGE fight, (Extremely long story, & I don't want to hijack your thread here, so I'll cut to the chase) stayed distant for a week or so, then he starts bringing it back up in our bedroom talk! MEN! LOL

Point is, I didn't close the door on our communication. We admitted it was perhaps best to keep it a fantasy, but we eventually talked through enough of our issues to give it another go, and we've never looked back. I think if he'd been able to come here & get opinions, advice or what have you, that the transition from pillow talk into reality might have been a smoother ride.

~Mrs. Snsual~

[ladyjane1]

Thanks you guys for all the great advice. I read through, took some of it, and we had a really great talk last night! I have emailed him some links, and some of the pages from here, which got the ball rolling, along with an email saying if he wanted to look, fine, if not, fine, I would not bring the issue up again, if he wanted to discuss it, it was up to him. Well, giving him that control over the situation worked! Turns out, he used to swing (quite a bit) when he was dating, but just never thought about it since getting married (the fact that his 1st wife cheated on him doesn't help). Long story short, we started having a really good, in depth convo, shared thoughts and fantasies (although he's done most of his, lucky bastid ), and now seems much more willing to explore. His big concern is accidentally running into someone we know, and we both agreed we'd love to do our best friends.....LMAO Anyway, thanks, all of you....and BTW where do you all get the great avatars?? I love the one with the witch on the broom!!

Thanks!