Told him he had to choose between me and swinging

[vickster]

hi to all
I am new here because i have recently began a really good relationship with a man I truely admire..We are so good together and I can not think of my life without him.... we have one thing that is different between us and that is the lifestyle we have both lead ... I have never been with more then one man and have never cheated ... he on the other hand has been a swinger... I have recently found out that he wants that for us too....I have told him i would try and then when i think of it ..it so hard to me to even imagine him with another women ...so i told him it was me or his life sytle not both...I feel as if i have now put a wedge into our relationship and he may just wonder and find someone else...i dont want that either... We are all and all perfect for eachother and i want to spend the rest of my life taking care of him and loving him ..
so I found this site in effort to learn more and see if maybe just maybe i can live this ..
I am a a sex driven person and enjoy sex very much... so where do i start ...how do i go about it all...and how will it change me.....
I am hoping that here you all can be kind, and informative as i detemine on how to make this whole thing work , have it be part of my life style and insure i do not lose them man of my life....iI have not felt this way about anyone in a really long time and i really want to figure this all out
Hope one or more of you can help clear this all up for me
Thank-you for reading my thread and your time if you respond

[Alura]

Unfortunately, Vickster, when one throws down an ultimatum, it often comes back to slap you in the face. Hard.

In our experience, people in the swinging lifestyle are more often exceptional people than not. It takes a special couple who have dynamic communication with each other and others to succeed here. Although there are exceptions, those who make the cut generally have a wonderful marriage.

We feel the one thing you need most is knowledge and you've certainly come to the right place for that. The folks who post on this board are caring and patient. They'll help you in any way they can.

Look through the threads. There are bound to be several that will pique your interest. You'll probably find yourself exclaiming, "That's what I wanted to ask!" Share what you learn with your soulmate, and if you have any questions you don't readily find an answer to, come back and ask.

Welcome from Oklahoma! We hope you learn a lot here. We're glad to have you with us and look forward to learning more about both of you.

Cheers and smiles,
Alura

[jennandjamesinm]

Hi and Welcome to the board!!! You have gotten some wonderful advice from Alura!!! Stick around and check out the board. If nothing else, you might get an understanding of what the lifestyle is like. But ultimately, if its not for you, its not for you. And you SO should respect that...in this lifestyle there are 2 concrete rules.....#1 Communicate with your SO and #2 NO means just that, NO. Good luck to you, and if you have any questions, please feel free to ask

Jenn and James

[intuition897]

Hi vickster, Welcome to the board! You're in luck, because if you're looking for information, support and understanding, you've come to the right place. Everyone here is friendly and helpful, and we all...well, most of us anyway...have our heads on straight.. I think, whether you decide swinging is your cup of tea or not, you'll like it here. People here are compassionate, yet at the same time they won't bullshit you.

My first suggestion would be to visit the FAQ section and the New Swingers forum. This gives a good overview of things. Then search this message board using keywords that might bring up relevent threads. Such as jealousy, nervous, religion, "how do I", cheating, infidelity, boundaries, "why swing", etc. If you take the time to read some of the opinions and experiences that people have already posted, you'll start to get an idea of the kind of people you're dealing with here, and what their motivations are.

Swinging might not be for you. Some people simply have no interest in pursuing it, and that should be respected. You've expressed that you are a very sexual person (most swingers are), and that you're curious (bingo again), but you'll find nothing but resentment and bitterness down the road if you go into it for the wrong reasons. Such as a 'last resort' to keeping your marriage together, or just to keep him happy. You should never feel at all that you are being diminished or disrespected in any way. Quite the opposite in fact. Swinging is a great equalizer of the sexes, IMO; women have 50/50 partnership in this deal. Ok, maybe 51/49 in women's favour, simply because men realize they need to treat women like ladies, not hunks of meat, or walking dollies. Swinging, when it's successful, is a great way to build your communication skills, assertiveness, diplomacy, tact, and other social skills. It's very demanding at times, and not always comfortable; there will be times when you will feel hurt by something your partner does or says. It's how you deal with that when it happens that matters most. If you can look at things objectively without letting your emotions get the better of you, even in the heat of the moment, you'll likely be just fine.

So anyhow, back to your situation. I'd like to say that if your husband is pressuring you to jump right into this, he's being counterproductive. This is something that you need to decide for yourself. It might be a-ok with him, but you are not him. It is admirable that you are willing to talk about this and even consider it; many spouses would just freak out and shut down completely at their significant other suggesting extramarital sex. So he should be appreciative of your open-mindedness. I'd recommend that neither of you draw lines in the sand about the matter. It shouldn't come to that. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of sharing one another with outside people at this time, he should respect that and give you ample (ample as in possibly years) time to allow yourself to evolve in this direction. It's a slow process and it can't be rushed. So try not to feel pressured by him.

The unfortunate bottom line is that if he is unbending and insistent that you both start swinging, you may need to consider whether he is the right partner for you. It should never have to come to that, but you need to respect yourself and your own comfort level if he refuses to. Rather than give him an ultimatum, urge him to consider what is more important to him: his desire for sex, or his respect for you and your feelings. It's as simple as informing him that you cannot, in good conscience, engage in something that you feel would harm you psychologically, emotionally, or spiritually. And at this time, you don't feel ready to dive right in. Make it clear that if he chooses to ignore this and continues to push you in that direction, he is disrespecting your feelings on the matter, and that is not acceptable.

Now the good news is that 'swinging' doesn't automatically mean switching partners for the night. There's a wide spectrum of activities that count as swinging. Soft swingers are voyeuristic/exhibitionistic; they enjoy having sex with their own partner in the same room with another couple doing the same. The amount of interaction between the two couples just depends on everyone's interests and comfort level. Other sexy activities to try would be flirting with other people in front of one another (ie: flirt with the cute shoe sales-guy while your hubby stands there holding your shopping bags, or wink at your waiter, etc.). Maybe you could both try going to a strip club. Buy one another a lap dance. This might be a good way to 'test the waters' so to speak, and gauge how strongly you'll react. This will prompt some highly productive conversation. I wouldn't recommend going to a swingers club just yet if you feel he might be anxious to get the party started. It depends on his attitude, though. If he's going to be patient and allow you to explore the club scene at your own pace, and he's willing to hang back and let you take the lead, it would be a good experience. But if you feel he'd likely ditch you at the door or make a bee-line to the hot red head across the way, don't do it.

Talked your ear of, didn't I? There are many many many posts on getting started in the lifestyle. And in just about all of them, you'll notice the answers always lie in one another, not in others' opinions. So talk to your husband earnestly and honestly. Get more info about his perspective and motivations in all this.

Hope I've helped a bit. Again, welcome!

[vickster]

wow thank you all ...but Intuition897 you sure hit a lot of things that goes through my head.thanks for laying it out as well as you did..thats what i need .. just to set the record stright , we are not married , we are in a serious relationship at this point, but as you have mentioned ths jealousy part on both sides is my biggest issue, I know that if i decide to go head with this and become cmpletely a part of his life.. i need the time and the understanding from him to allow me to experence this all on my own time frame and with his understanding and his guidance . I honestly think he can, but i also need to make sure that it is right. He has never said this is a must..just that since we fell in love ..he said this is what i do.... that part got me... how to handle it all...the sexual part of it all i think it could be incredable to say the least ...thats why i am in the position i am in ... i think it would be something i would enjoy... but i feel there needs to be some type of limits.. and i need to be accepting of what may happen to me..to him and what i see happen to him ..so on everything you have so far told me ..that gives me a whole bigger understanding.... i looked to him for this but to him i think is just so normal and a part of life for so long he can not explain it ya know...in his marriage she cheated on him...I asked how can that be cheating and he said because they were not together...that swinging must stay as a couple that is about the only real info he gave me... so once again i thank you for the info and i have begun to check other threads to become more informed of this whole new world that my man awants to take me to...

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by vickster

just to set the record stright , we are not married , we are in a serious relationship at this point...

Oops, my mistake! Marital status doesn't make a great deal of difference, though; just the level of devotion a couple shows one another.

Originally Posted by vickster

but i also need to make sure that it is right. He has never said this is a must..just that since we fell in love ..he said this is what i do.... that part got me... how to handle it all...

It can be difficult sometimes to remember to be compassionate and empathetic towards those who have not yet separated love and sex. You'll hear that term a lot here: "separating love and sex". Before you do it, taking deep love out of sex and the sex out of love can seem pretty scary. But once it's done, and you see the advantages of it, it can be hard for some to remember what it was like before. It's true, it seems natural to us.

Originally Posted by vickster

the sexual part of it all i think it could be incredable to say the least ...thats why i am in the position i am in ...

The sex is lots of fun, for sure. Especially when you get home with just each other!! facelick

Originally Posted by vickster

i looked to him for this but to him i think is just so normal and a part of life for so long he can not explain it ya know...in his marriage she cheated on him...I asked how can that be cheating and he said because they were not together...that swinging must stay as a couple that is about the only real info he gave me...

Sounds like his attitude toward swinging mirrors ours, too. There's a big difference between cheating and swinging. Swinging is a positive thing, and there are no victims. There is no deception, no sneaking, no game-playing. It's all about sharing and honesty. Sounds like his wife had a different agenda. It wasn't the fact that she had sex with someone else; it was the fact that she did it behind his back. Had she been more forthcoming, it might've been an experience that was positive for everyone, and he could've shared in the fun. But she chose her own selfish desires over her husband, and that all adds up to her throwing away the trust that he put in her to not hurt him. Most swingers have very strong feelings about the practice of cheating. It (swinging) is most definitely a couple's activity.

Good luck in your search!

[vickster]

It can be difficult sometimes to remember to be compassionate and empathetic towards those who have not yet separated love and sex. You'll hear that term a lot here: "separating love and sex". Before you do it, taking deep love out of sex and the sex out of love can seem pretty scary. But once it's done, and you see the advantages of it, it can be hard for some to remember what it was like before. It's true, it seems natural to us.

that i think is the biggest part here and i have searched for that and continue to do so. He has told me that ...that love is more then sex...and sex is not love....and that he loves me ... since we have been together he has not played and will not play without me ....i know that is the case and i know he means it ...he has turned down a recent play time telling them I was not ready yet ....

Thank-you so much and anything else you can think of please let me know
one note before i leave you alone..lol..
i have read about newbies and how everyone feels about newbies...
i wanted to let him know that i am willing to give him my all to become a total part of our life together .. as you have mentioned before i need to just confront this with him one and one and let him know i am ready to move in his direction with the understanding and with the "hold my hand walk me through and teach me" and allow me the time to make part of my life ...but
with me being a newbie i was also thinking of asking him to pick this one couple that he plays with , i have heard a lot about them . meeting them and being confy with them as friends before i "jump" right into anything for the whole confy level
do you think that is a good way to start and let him know i am ready ????
i know i am asking you too much here...but i feel after reading your advice that my thoughts on all this are pretty much what i feel i can expect ...as long as my man has the time to teach...if not that he really isnt in love with me enough to teach me his "whole" way of life right??? Just looking for another play mate???
i feel i am ready and actually always have been since he told me this....just wanting to understand the whole releam and confy level
look forward to any response you may have intuition

[intuition897]

Hmm. I don't think going into anything blindly would be a good idea, even if you do trust you man wholly and completely as it sounds like you do. This is a chance for you to take the lead and explore what interests you sexually. This is the opportunity he is offering you. Time to stop and think about about your own particular turn-ons. Do you like men? Women? Tall dark and handsome? Blond and blue eyed? Redheads with freckles? How about a brilliant smile, or wit, or a sense of humour? Maybe there's something about a deep southern drawl that makes you melt (Matthew McConnaghy...drool facelick)? Foreign accents, big muscles, lean and wiry swimmers build, teddy-bear type... What's your fancy? And what sort of attitude turns you on? The bad boy type, or the 'shucks ma'am' 10-gallon hat cowboy, or maybe a James Bond lookalike?

Share your fantasies with your b/f and work it into your own playtime. You probably do that already (what am I saying? :rollseyes: ). Anyway, I'd suggest hanging out with this couple if your b/f thinks they're a good match for you both. You always have the option of saying no thanks at any time for any reason. So if, during dinner or dancing or drinks with them, you realize that they just don't make you think "sex", or if they make you immediately uncomfortable because of their personalities, just say no thanks. When you find the right couple, you'll know. You'll all feel the chemistry that's there and you'll all be curious about taking things a step further...even if the first few times you venture into swinging are nerve-wracking.

The bottom line is to stay true to yourself. Stick to your guns and don't allow yourself to be pressured into anything you're uncomfortable with. Even if that makes you the party-pooper. It sucks sometimes, but I'm sure it won't feel as bad as waking up the next morning feeling like crap because you did something you weren't ready for. Be brave, but go slow and let things fall into place naturally.

[twoplayful2]

Without having read most of the replies...

It seems like it would be pretty difficult to get someone who's been a swinger to stop being a swinger. Not impossible, but tough. I guess it would depend on how strongly he feels about you compared with how much he likes swinging. But you definitely shouldn't make this a test to figure that out (I'm not suggesting that's what you're doing though).

If you have strong feelings for him, why not learn a little more about swinging and test out the waters a little bit before giving up on it? I'm not saying to jump right in, but if you're not a swinger it's likely that you know next-to-nothing about swinging or how you'd truely feel about it if you were in those situations yourself. There is a lot of great information in this forum and a lot of great people willing to try to help you with any questions and concerns you may have. Beyond that, venture into things just a tad, doesn't have to be actually having sex of any sorts with other people. Test your feelings out instead of just assuming things.

Lastly, if at any point you're 100% certain it's not something you want to do, absolutely do not do it. It's not something you get into to make someone else happy. Then make it completely clear to him that this is the case and go from there.

[Paramour2_99]

Vickster - look at it this way. If you were in the market for a new car and you researched Consumer Reports, J.D. Powers, Cars.Com, Consumers Digest, etc, etc, etc and all your research stated the car you want is extremely good looking, has lots of features for the price and decent rebates - BUT - it suffers on long-tem reliabilty, has too much depreciation within the first 3 years, and has inferior craftsmanship and you decide to buy it anyway then to me that may be swinging for you.

Ask yourself, why is it that you've never cheated but you want a guy that's into having sex with others? Is this the kind of relationship you're willy to change for just to have him? And as yourself and ask him "what comes after swinging" and how far are you willing to go in it? Gangbang perhaps or just with another couple, or just another manor woman???

It's my opinion that those that are best suited for swinging are also well equiped morally to justify relationships outside a marriage and if you're not that kind of person then leave swinging alone.

You know in your heart (without seeking reasons from strangers online) what knid of person you are and your what your own codes of conduct. Either you're comfortable with having sex with others or you're not.

[jstlkng]

Let me see if I listened right:

You truly admire the man you are with.

You are good together and cannot think of life without him.

You have never been with more than one man.

You want to spend your life loving and taking care of him.

He has been a swinger...you have not.

My wife and I feel the same about each other. Most of the people who post at this site have spouses that say the same thing about each other. However my wife and I don't swing. We visit this site to learn more and use it as another way of being open in our communications with each other. I think she would like to be involved in swinging and she knows I would like to be, but as yet we have not made the jump...so why not. Well I believe its the same reason you and your S/O shouldn't make the jump just yet.

My wife says she is not willing to share her body sexually with anyone but me. I say I want to share her body with others as a love gift to her. We, like you and your S/O, are miles apart in what we are willing to give each other. Only when she makes up her mind that its ok to enjoy sex with other people without jealousy or possessiveness will we ever be able to swing.

Does that cause our loving relationship of more than 40 years to suffer. Certainly it does. We both believe that we should not keep the other from being happy and fulfilled.

Is it something that we need to "fix" in order to keep our marriage together. NO! Our marriage is great just the way it is. Remember we don't live in a perfect world and there will always be room for improvement. There will always be room for another way to show our love for each other. Swinging just may be one of the many ways we will do that.

My wife has only had sex with me...no one else. I have only had sex with her. But she does admit that there are things missing in her life that she would have enjoyed, especially sex with a couple of really buff guys she dated before we were married. And I feel that same way about the opportunities I passed up. One day wee may decide to enjoy the fun and pleasure of sex with others as we share each other in another deminsion called swinging.

But until then, just like you, we should never go beyond our fantasies and couriosity. If you learn anything from the fine people who answer you from this site it should be this...that man you love so much cannot be replaced...especially if he loves you the same way.

From what you say in your post, you want to learn enough to make a decision to go ahead and enjoy swinging with him. So, let me say to him...Sire, you have a rare treasure in your girlfriend. She is willing to go the extra mile...you should be also. If she says no to swinging, be satisfied and give your all to this wonderful gal. You will never regret it.

All this from a man who is where you are now. Good luck to both of you.

[curiousagain]

Vicster, you're getting somepretty good advice over all, but as a single man I have a foot in "both worlds" so to speak. I have found that there are cheaters in and out of swinging but as a whole, swingers are way way less tolerant or inclined to cheat than non swingers. Whether or not you ever decide to swing with your boyfriend, take comfort that he is less likely to be a cheater. He obviously has opened up to you about some of his innermost feelings and hopefully you have too. Follow the advice about communication and go from there.

[Paramour2_99]

Every swinger I've ever know in the decade or so I was in it had absolutely no reservations about cheating. No reservations at all and would cheat at the drop of a hat.

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by Paramour2_99

Every swinger I've ever know in the decade or so I was in it had absolutely no reservations about cheating. No reservations at all and would cheat at the drop of a hat.

And yet you did it for Ten Years?!?

Luckily (I guess :rollseyes ), we have not run into these kind of people so far. If we had experienced what you are saying you experienced, we would stop playing. And it wouldn't take 10 years to figure it out.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by Paramour2_99

Every swinger I've ever know in the decade or so I was in it had absolutely no reservations about cheating. No reservations at all and would cheat at the drop of a hat.

I'm sorry X swinger, I don't think you ever were a swinger, or even have a clue as to what its about. I think you are just here to cause trouble and maybe preach a bit to us sinners.