Wives, why did you say no to swinging?

[couple4FinOtt]

Wives who first said no to swinging...what reasons did you have?

[intuition897]

Several reasons:
Conflict with my religion (resolved now)
Was hurt that my husband thought so little of me that he didn't care who else used me sexually (obviously a HUGE misunderstanding, thoroughly resolved now)
Guilt. Felt like I would be betraying my husband if I admitted that I had sexual feelings for other people.

I finally realized just how little it has to do with sex, and how much of it has to do with everything else that you and your spouse share. Indeed, the whole point of it seems to be to render sex impotent in its ability to dictate the success or failure of a relationship. It is put firmly in its place. It no longer has a name or a place at the family table so to speak. It's a tool. It's an inanimate object. It can be fun, it can be very dangerous and it must be respected and handled very responsibly, but that does not make it any more or less than what it is, and it is not worth putting on a pedestal to worship as the be-all-end-all of a relationship/marriage. You realize eventually the mistake of holding your relationship together with such a fickle glue as sex, and start really dove-tailing together the more solid, real aspects of your marriage...the real reasons you stay together besides sex.

EDIT>> After re-reading this post, I realized that I'm making it sound like we try to suck all the joy out of sex. NOT true at ALL! It's just that putting sex in proper perspective this way allows us to fully understand the difference between making love to our spouse vs. having fun, friendly sex with some good friends. The key is in learning to see the difference between love and sex, and how they can exist independent of one another without needing to deteriorate into something unhealthy. The result is a much richer sexual experience with each other. It's like the difference between chocolate pudding for dessert and triple chocolate cheesecake with raspberry glaze and brandy cream garnish. You become much much more aware of one another's uniqueness and sexiness, which sort of nicely combines the snap that you both felt when you first met, with the comfortable familarity that only comes with having known each other so long.

[txduo2000]

I didn’t initially say no to swinging; I put the brakes on it a couple years ago, though.
It was a long drawn out time consuming process to get to where we are today.

We started out really, really slow. My husband introduced me to the whole thing, but I was young and naïve and honestly would never have considered anything like this in my former life. In fact, I was critical of swingers, and laughed at those references in the movies (Raising Arizona comes to mind, lol). It was like, “ewwwww, why would I want to do something like THAT!”

So, when current hubby (we were dating at the time) told me about his brother and sister-in-law who were supposedly in the lifestyle, I was incredibly shocked. Then later when he told me that he and his ex-wife had gone to a couple of off-premise clubs, but to no real completion (i.e., meeting with/joining with others), I was a little less shocked. Then when he suggested we go to one of these clubs …. Hell, I was game (I am a very adventurous and wild girl, wrapped up very neatly in an ultra-conservative package). I was a little nervous and told hubby to stick close to me at all times. The first couple times we went to the clubs I was turned on by the sexual energy, but didn’t participate. It kind of just eventually kept evolving, slowly, like that until we were engaging in house parties and actually meeting people and placing ads … the whole bit.

But about 2 years into it, I started having a lot of the same mind-wars with myself that Intuition described. I was having a real problem justifying the way I was living to the way I believed in my faith. I figured the two were at complete odds and that I was being hypocritical in living my life that way. (I still have this problem, I have just learned to block it out, for the sake of the enjoyment of my fun – kind of like a kid who blatantly disobeys their parents because whatever they are doing is fun!) I also had A LOT of jealousy issues. Now if any of you remember my post-response in the thread “Selfish?”, I really have a huge problem with a couple in which one is allowed to play and the other is not allowed to do anything at all. Part of this came about in discussing my husband’s ex-wife and their quasi-adventures into swinging. Apparently, that’s what she wanted … she could play … he could only expect to watch. Anywho … I am running off onto a tangent … I started feeling jealous and we weren’t communicating well, and I wasn’t willing to do what I wasn’t willing to allow him to do, so I halted it. And, truthfully, I did feel quite a bit of another of Intuition’s comments – I began to feel used … and felt it was my own husband who was basically whoring me out to whoever would have me. That is definitely resolved now. I know that is not what it was … again, goes back to communication and we had ZIP then.

We have only recently gotten back in (like 3 months), but already I can feel a world of difference in my feelings from when I halted everything a couple years ago, to where I am now in my security and comfort level. I enjoy seeing him with other women, I enjoy being in a MFM threesome, and I enjoy full swap. I ignore my religious issues, he and I talk more and I take responsibility for my own sexuality and do not suppress it any longer, nor do I blame anyone for allowing me to act on something that I truly enjoy.

[DBL D]

Hi couple4FinOtt,

I see that you have just three posts and the other two are from your Hubby...Therefore...Welcome to the B.O.S.L.P.

We have learned a little about you. That you've attended a few dances and felt pressure...and all the things that you should have felt, I guess. A person has a certain mindset sometimes that can affect an evening, but I have to applaude you for going. What your hubby most likely saw were people engaging in open flrirting, if not more. He probably was a bit overwhelmed too but saw that he liked it. He does seem to be pushy or at least not understanding why you aren't with him yet. Maybe I don't know enough of his motives but you on, the other hand, might still equate love and sex as the same thing, if I may try to read between the lines.

When I brought up the idea of sex outside of the marriage where the two of us would be involved together, Fem D had similar feelings. Felt that I'd brought it up to betray her or force her hand so to speak. I feel really bad for being the hubby that you've heard about who "pushes" things. I thought I was trying to pull, not push. It was she, however, who suggested we go to a dance; it was she who had her first kiss with a woman that night, and then cried about it. When we first swapped, she cried about it and to this day she hasn't told me why. She and I have borne freezing temps to discuss our future in swinging. We have had heated arguments about the idea. Who knows what the neighbors have heard! It didn't matter. It became a focal point and Fem D didn't like it at all. I have had to back off, if you will, and let things go where they may. She has gradually gotten to the point where she is feeling very comfy meeting folks and has the idea firmly in her mind that play is a possibility.

What I guess I am saying is that every couple needs to really assess why they are wanting to swing and what they hope to get from it. Hey my motivations are still a bit selfish, but they absolutely don't exclude Fem D from any of my activities. That's where the fun lies, pardon the pun; in being able to separate Love from Sex. As far as the religious fears you may have...There are plenty of "God-Fearing" men who had more than one wife at a time or had a few concubines available. Let the chips fall where they may. You wouldn't be cheating on each other, that's for sure.

Male D

[DBL D]

I Know...it says "Question for Wives".

Please, just disregard my post!

Male D

[HotMoCpl]

When I (the guy) brought it up, she acted like I had insulted her, accused me of making her a whore and belittling her. We hashed it out over the past few months....wherever is going I don't know, but we're going there together. WE have decided to go to a couples club for my b-day this weekend.

[BiNWAR]

I felt like i was cheating on my husband if i had sex with another guy....jealousy that he would be having sex with another women and fear that he would leave me for her....fear that i was no longer sexy to him thats why he wanted to swing....hurt feelings that he wanted to be with other people

Im sure there were a couple other reasons but those were the main ones that I had to work thru...now that ive worked thru them...bring on the couples!!!

[TNT]

Well, I didn't actually say no...it was more that I looked at him and said you want to do what? Then I said, but I don't want to cheat on you in any way, shape or form. His response to that was, how can you cheat on me if I'm there with you holding your hand?

Oh, well...hmmm, can't argue with that kind of logic...OK, that made perfect sense to me .

Teresa

[goodgurl]

When my husband first brought the idea of swinging up my first thought: he had lost his mind, second thought: he is wanting other women and wants me to tell him it is ok and after 18 years of marriage I was shocked. I did agree to listen to what he had to say. He told me it was a big fantasy for him to see me with another man and he had put alot of thought into it. We discussed it for about 6 months, all the good and bad points we could think of and decided to give it a try. He finally found a single man that he thought fit the fantasy and we met with him. The next day it was a complete turn around for us both. He was the one not so sure and I was the one thinking this is for us. I think at that point we both realized how open we had become with each other about everything...he was upset and I still told him how I really felt instead of trying to make him feel better. We worked through all the issues involved and decided to continue. We play with singles and couples with no problems. Our friends and family have noticed how much we have changed around them...we are closer and it shows.
That has always amazed me...how you can be so close to each other and share the things we do. I can I figured in the normal way of thinking the things we do would seperate us in all ways of life but it has been totally opposite from that

[WesternSwing]

Originally Posted by intuition897

After re-reading this post, I realized that I'm making it sound like we try to suck all the joy out of sex.

I don't think so at all, intuition. In fact your post is very on mark, as long as someone is in the lifestyle and therefore understands. I think it is a hard concept for vanillas to understand.

It's just my opinion, but one formed over 40 years and one failed marriage, that many confuse love and sex, or more to the point, confuse being horny for love. Many people, younger ones in particular, confuse being horny for someone with being in love with that someone, get married, and when the novelty of the sex wears off they're left with someone they really don't have allot in common with, or don't get along with outside the bedroom.

For us, swinging has very clearly defined the reasons we love each other. As you said so well, it has rendered sex impotent in its ability to dictate the success or failure of our relationship (I need to write that one down!).

Thanks for the great explanation.

Mr. WS

[DBL D]

Hey Intuition...if that is what you call sucking the joy out of sex...then you give great suck.

As always, your post was on the mark.

M.D.

[jennandjamesinm]

Dito what Mr. WS and Mr. D said - as usual you hit it on the head!!!!!

Jenn

[mfmyeahbaby]

for us the experience has broaden our sexual mind, and developed a kind of new again feeling.

[midnight hour]

I just wasn't interested....his ultimate fantasy is and was MFM...to be honest very few men do anything to me..has always been that way...I had only been with 3 men, one being Mr. Midnight...all relationships lasted a long time...I have analzed why more men don't do it for me...and can come up with no other reason then chemstry... so when he suggested the first MFM to be with one of my ex's I said yes...because the connection was there...so far as time has went on we have found a few more...when we do for him it is always a good day.. Even though I am open to couples, so far both times have been duds...not on a bad emtional level...just blah...and I am sure thru no fault of their own...
I was the one who ran across the swinger ads/groups on yahoo, which led me to Swing Lifestyle which led me to this board...Mr. Midnight was like *wow* as I pressed thru things...and studied.. once I found out that a friend of mine that I had worked with..<female> went to the local socials..I was ready to go... and we have went to almost every one...we go with no mindset to hook up...just to party and have a good time...and that has made it easier and more fun for me...i.e. he puts NO pressure on me at all...
So I guess you could say curiousity killed the cat...satisfaction brought her back....

midnight hour

[SwingLord]

This is Mrs. SwingLord.

I first said no. It took me a while to warm up to the idea. But, hubby showed me the way. I thought that he'd meet someone better than me and leave me for her. After he'd been with a few women I realized that maybe it wouldn't be that bad.

Then he introduced me to his friend Paul, and we all got it on. Now I love the life style. If my religious parents could see me now.