Undecided about swinging, he is ready but wanting different things

[Undecided]

Hi Everyone,

My husband and I have thought about swinging and have talked to a few couples but never went any further than that. I am not against the idea of swinging but I am not exactly all excited about it. I am still getting used to the idea and my husband wants to get on with it. I told him I need time but he seems to be fustrated with me taking my time. He wants to also experince singles which makes me a bit jealous. I feel that every time i try to tell him to slow down he gets fustrated and upset. And then I am like "whatever do what you want"

I wouldn't mind meeting couples but he would prefer singles on a one on one basis. Which again im not all for it, i dont know what to do. Sometimse the one on one with singles sounds cool then i get jealous and I dont want to do it anymore. other times again it doesnt bother me. I dont understand why i go back and forth.


Any one have any advice?


Thanks

Undecided

[lovefest04]

Dear Undecided,

makig the decision to swing and then actually swinging takes time. For most of us, it is a real shift in the way we think about our relationships and sex. What does are marriage mean, what were our vows all about. Lots of stuff to think about and work through.

Taking it slow is almost the mantra for most of the great people on this site. Everyone should feel comfortable.

Additionally, I have to question the idea of swinging with singles one on one. Do you mean that you would go on a date with someone without your husband and vise-a-versa? Or do you mean you would swing with singles as in MFM and FMF?

We swing as a couple, it the sharing that is soooo much fun. I could see a time when we might play alone, acting out a fantasy,or something, but generally that's not what swinging is for us.

You are entitled to move as slow as you like and for heavens sake don't get pushed into anything before you're ready. That will only lead to hurt feeling and tough times for you and your husband.

Good luck!

[Undecided]

I mean going on dates with singles and whatever comes afterward. We both married very young and didnt really get a chance to experince other people b4 we got married. We both lost our virginity to each other. He is more curiosu and anxious to experince other singles than I am. I still have my reservations. He is not agaisnt couples but he is a little self consious "preforming" in front of others. He'd rather be alone with someone else. He is wanting to go full speed ahead. You know thinking with only one head (im sure you can guess which one :P ) I feel like he is putting alot of pressure on me to hurry up and experince another man. More as an individual than a couple.

I dont want to make a mistake and regret it and I've told him that'd id rather take my time and get comfortable with it than hurry up and do something regret it and not want to do it again. but he doesnt seem to understand where im coming from.

Has anyone else/spouse wanted to experince singles in a date type enviroment?


Undecided

[invisibletouch]

Hi Undecided, it sounds like you & your husband are seeking two different things but using the same term. You seem to be talking & thinking about this as swinging-a couple enjoying the experiences together. Your husband sounds like he's actually talking about an open marriage-dating & enjoying others one on one, without the spouse present.

I am in an open marriage(we've been married almost 31yrs) and both my husband & I date & enjoy relationships with singles 1 on 1. In fact we have only been together to enjoy intimacy with others 3 or 4 times when we tried 3sums.

Both are very valid ways to live, it really depends on what you and your husband want, can emotionally deal with and where you see yourselves going with this.
Communication is the key, don't let yourself be pressured into doing something you don't feel comfortable doing!
Talk to him about what you want out of this and also voice your concerns. Find out by asking very direct questions what it is exactly that he wants and hopes to experience.
If you're worried he will force his side, write down your concerns, desires and hopes before you start the discussion-keep talking until you get answers for each point you have listed.

This site has some excellent,experienced, friendly members and even a dictionary to help you learn the terms for swinging. If you want to study up on open marriage, just type 'open marriage' into a search engine and start reading. There are also a number of yahoo groups focusing on open relationships.

Good Luck
Kathy

[BiDrywallChick]

One of the key things that I tell people who are still chrcking things out is to remeber this, Never ever let anyone force you into doing something that you are not comfortable with. That would include your husband as well. I have seen many times where one or the other partner will just do it to get it over with and make the other person shut up and quit bugging them about it. That is very very unwise. Like already mentioned, you two need to sit down and talk about this, without alot of emotional drama, and see first what exactly each one of you is looking for. Also, you need to see what you both are hoping to gain from revising the sexual aspect of the relationship. Before you two do anything remotely like swinging, open marriage what have you.. you both need to be secure and confident in your own relationship with each other. Otherwise, swinging can end up being the catalyst that breaks it all down. Remember, swinging isnt for everyone. Sometimes the anticipation and excitement is better than the actual act!

[Undecided]

Kathy, thxs for ur reply

Did you ever feel that your husband might prefer someone else over you?

When you first started having an open marriage did you ever get jealous and find out it wasnt such a big deal after all?

My husband says he loves me and there is no one else before me, but i cant help feeling jealous (naturally) at the thought of him having sex with another single person. a married one doesnt bother me b/c that person is already commited to someone else. So in a sense safer. He doesnt understand this either.

I already know what he wants out of being with another person. He wants to experince other people sexually. We were both raised in a very strict reliegous families. We werent allowed to date or have sex until we were married

I wouldn't mind experincing other men, but i cant help but have some of that reliogous gobldygoop still ingrained in my head.

[Undecided]

oh yeah,

Where you ever afraid that either one of you might get an STD or he might impregnante someone unintentionally or even you getting pregnant by another man?

Has that ever happened to anyone? How do you handle that? condomns break accidents happen.

[invisibletouch]

Aww, undecided I know where you're coming from on so many of these questions!!

Yes, I get that 'twinge' of insecurity/jealousy every once in a while when he is going to be with someone younger, thinner, firmer but then I stop and remember that maybe last week I was with a 6'4, 29yr old hunk.
That sort of puts everything into a better perspective for me.
I am 53, hubby is almost 56 so younger, firmer, thinner are all on my list of minor insecurities while taller, built, younger and a full head of hair are on hubbies list.

I was raised in a Roman Catholic family, even went to all Catholic schools! I didn't date until almost 3 yrs after I graduated from high school! I wasn't a virgin when I married at 22 but I wasn't what one would call very experienced either.

As far as worrying if he will run off or be pulled away by a single woman, in all honesty I have found more unhappy married women who I personally could see as a threat in this lifestyle(open marriage). I have to try to explain this better; Neither of us are seeking to replace our mates, but there are many women & men in marriages who are staying put in an unhappy marriage-just waiting until someone better comes along.
Those 'predators' are the ones who concern us and who we watch for with a sharp eye.
We have seen marriages be ruined due to infidelity in the 'vanilla/non swinger' world and we've seen it happen with both-a married lover & a single lover. There seems to be no real pattern for it, IMO. If a person wants out of the marriage, being with singles won't be the sole reason or draw to cheat. Cheating can & does happen both while swinging or being in an open marriage.

STD's, yes they are out there and yes they are a very real threat. I have worked in hospitals since 1970 so I have been around disease and the information for what seems like forever. I do get tested, use condoms and ask a lot of questions of my potential partners. Hubby does the same.
I run as much if not more risk working in a hospital as I do by having select lovers who I know are fully tested.
Also, think about something else which helped ease my mind, I know we are both engaging in sex with others and we can discuss the safety issues openly. If either of us was cheating then our spouse wouldn't know they were being put at risk and in my mind that is much harder to accept.

Ok, onto the religious issues. That is one you will have to search in your heart and mind. Ask yourself a few questions about the recordings in the Bible. Remember, in the Old Testament, it wasn't abnormal for men to have more than one woman and in fact many acts we now think of as illegal were tolerated and even encouraged-young virgins being given to males, etc.
So for me the Bible and religion are good guides but not the end all authority for my actions. I follow a code of ethics which includes these words "If it harms none, do as ye will", and I do follow that by not playing with marrieds/attached folks who are not in open relationships, I won't help someone cheat on their spouse. I am always respectful of the other persons marriage and their right to their own desires. Ok, I'm getting off on a tangent here!
I do have a site that is for Christian swingers. I will have to find it and I will post it for you. I don't know if it might help but it's a place to discuss the spiritual side of your choices with others who have wrestled with the same concerns.

If there's anything I can answer or help you with post it here or pm me.

Just take it slow, ask a lot of questions and you will be just fine no matter what decision you eventually make.

Kathy

[invisibletouch]

Opps, forgot the one question about pregnancy. Hubby had a vasectomy after our only child was born in 1978. I couldn't have more kids due to some internal problems and finally went through menopause 4 yrs ago!

Condoms, spermicides, the pill and Depo are all effective for pregnancy prevention albeit with different success rates, even better is using more than one! Another thing for those worried about pregnancy is to learn when you're ovulating, you are technically only fertile for about 3 days per month, it may be wise to avoid playing during that time or being especially 'protected' if you do.

Hope that helps,

Kathy

[BradAndJanet]

Undecided, I've heard that LibChrist is a great site for those struggling with religious issues. Kathy, is that the one you meant?

To answer one of your other questions, no, I've never been afraid that Janet would perfer someone else over me. We truly are life partners and after all the things we've been through together, I think I can safely say that there is nothing that would break us apart. That's one of the reasons swinging works for us.

-B

[invisibletouch]

Thanks Brad, that's the one!

I think there's a few yahoo groups too but so far I haven't been able to find them! I have to clean out my files! Surrender

[jennandjamesinm]

Undecided -

First off, If you don't want to swing, DON'T!!! Don't do something just to make hubby happy. Swinging is something to be experienced by couples together. What it sounds like is that your hubby wants an open marriage. Swinging and open marriages are two totally different animals!!!

From what I read, it sounds like you are satisified with your relationship the way it is. First rule in swinging is communication!!! Talk to your husband, let him know how you feel. If you need more time, then he as your loving life partner should allow you the time you need. He should not push you to make a decision. This is a major decision. If he continues, I would work on my relationship, and not discuss swinging until both of you are comfortable in your relationship again.

Jealously, in its ugly form, can ruin your marriage. If you would rather play with couples, then make that known to hubby. If your not crazy about being with singles, then don't. But if you understand that love = love and sex is just that, sex, the jealously is nil.

Whether in the vanilla world or swinging world - no one should ever force their beliefs on you, including husbands!!!! The back and forth feeling you have I can totally relate to. This is something big - letting others into your "bed" so to speak. We have been raised to only have sexual relations with only our spouse, to do otherwise - society says that is wrong. I believe that each couple needs to find what is right for them.

Don't let him push you to be with another man. Like you said, you don't want to have any regrets. If something inside of you is telling you no, LISTEN!!! The little voice inside you is usually right. I learned that in the real world, the hard way.

Wondering what else is out there is natural. Going to any and all means to find out (which is what it seems like hubby is doing) is just plain WRONG!!! Don't let the religious crap crowd in on you. I know that is hard (I was raised Catholic). But if you are having doubts about religious issues, go to the web site that Brad gave you the link to. There are also some very good threads about the moraility of swinging.

I've just read over what I wrote and wonder if I was rambling, but I hope this helps you out some. Good luck to you!!!

Jenn

[intuition897]

Hi undecided. It sounds like you more or less have decided: that you would be willing to explore some new territory in your sex life with your husband as long as it doesn't cause damage to your relationship. Am I correct in my summation? One thing I would strongly suggest is for each of you to examine your own reasons for wanting to swing and share them with each other. This is absolutely a necessary step to overcoming jealousy and insecurity issues. A good rule of thumb (IMO) is if everyone is primarily looking out for their own interests (ie: mainly doing it because he or she wants to have sex with other people), the experience will likely not be successful. If however, you really want to do this because your partner's happiness makes you happy - and yeah, sure, wouldn't mind trying sex with other people while you're at it - you're starting from a very good place. I just mean that if you begrudge your partner their pleasure (and there are always people who are more physically attractive than we are!) it means you're missing out on the rich experience of watching your partner being absolutely him/herself, of watching as he or she experiences pleasure and gives pleasure to someone else. You just feel so in tune and so proud that you each 'belong' to one another (and I mean that in the most wonerful way possible). And you get to feel really good about yourself that you are selfless enough to grant him or her this kind of freedom.

My concern is where you say your husband is chomping at the bit to get on with it. You would do well to remind him exactly what he's playing with here. It could well end your relationship if you move ahead without being really ready for it. Is that what he wants? Is sex with someone else so much more important to him? Put your foot down girl! Don't let him manipulate you into doing something you are uncomfortable with. You'll just both be sorry for it down the road. You're doing both of you a favour by slowing him down. I'd also explain that his over-eagerness concerns you quite a bit because it tells you that he's doing this for the wrong reasons, and that he doesn't care as much for your feelings as you think he should. Now to be fair, if you've talked about this ad nauseum for years on end and you find it fun to tease him with it (I'm not getting this impression, but I'm playing Devil's Advocate, here), then maybe he's got a point: "Are we gonna seriously attempt the next step, or are we not?"

Another little red flag that went up: you said that sometimes your reaction was leaning more towards apathy, because you were so sick of the argument. Tell him "yeah, whatever, do what you like" often enough, and he just might. I'd say you both just need to concentrate on cutting through the headgames and usual BS that relationships are prone to and start treating each other like individual people, who deserve respect and common courtesy. So many couples fall into the bad habit of taking their relationship for granted. I think that's got to be the biggest killer of marriages. Whatever you do, don't not care. Just peel another layer off the onion and get closer instead of pulling away from him.

[Sweet_Candy]

Communicate, communicate, and communicate again. If there's no open honest communication your both approaching this wrong. IMHO

Sweet

[themonster]

whew....undecided, you are gettin some good advice here. kudos to all who have posted so far. My wife initially had many of the same concerns you are talking about when we first started swinging. Now for us, I was the aggressor in pursuing things, but not out of hurriedness, simply that she was not one to initiate things. The line between guiding someone along and forcing them is NOT a fine line, but rather quite bold! I won't bother repeating all that has been said so far as I agree with it all I think, but rather will highlight a few points: 1)no holds barred completely honest communication is imperative (if you can't trust and be open with everything, believe me you're best not to proceed at this point) 2)don't expect to be 100% "comfortable" your very first time......you should't be, this is after all something very new and exciting to you. The first time you rode a roller coaster were you a little unsure, scared....excited maybe.......exactly. But that being said don't confuse your feelings, if you're not ready, you're not ready. 3) (completely my opinion here) do not try the singles thing FIRST. Stay together and enjoy each others at the same time, you will be much more comfortable in doing so and should have much more fun. When you are sure you are comfortable(assuming this happens), then experiment with other combinations as you like freely...it's all good so long as everyone involved is comfortable!!

Have fun on that first roller coaster ride it's a doozie!!


p.s. religion, shmeligion....bahhhh.....live a good life, treat others well, and treat yourself even better!