husband wants me to swing

[chloe]

My husband wants us to swing as a couple, however, I am not comfortable doing so. He gets very upset with me and than I start feeling bad. I would like to know if anyone has any advice for me. I feel this goes against my morals. Thank you, Chloe

[warkman]

Chloe,
Most of the people here will tell you that this is an activity that is only successful if both people in the relationship want to do it. The people that succeed seem to be totally committed to their relationships, have great sex lives with each other, and don't need to swing to keep them happy. If you can't seperate sex from love and feel that it is immoral, then you shouldn't be swinging. The fact that he is angry for you feeling the way you do is not going to help matters. You guys may be at an impass. At no time would any of the people here (I believe) think that swinging was more important than keeping their relationship intact.

[twoplayful2]

It's funny that you say it's against your morals and upbringing, yet you're here asking advice from all of these people here who practice this thing that's against your morals

Of course about everyone here thinks swinging can be a great thing, but also if you've read around the forum a bit you'd find opinions all over the place saying that you don't get into anything you're not comfortable with and you don't push anyone into anything they're not comfortable with. It just doesn't work if you're not both on the same page, only bad things can come of it.

That being said, I say you go for it!! <EG>

[ALilOEverything]

Hi there Chloe. Swinging isn't for everyone and if you feel it's not right for you then it's something you shouldn't be doing. Especially don't do it if you're husband is making you feel bad about it. It should be a positive experience and not something forced on someone. You can still look into it if you wish and see how others have overcome the issues you're also having. Also you should bring your husband here and read how pushing his wife into doing something she isn't wanting to do can have the opposite effect and push her away. If you get nothing else from these forums you'll learn how communication, listening, talking and understanding are key to a healthy happy marriage. Good luck to you and don't let anyone talk you into doing something you don't think is good for you or your marriage.

[chloe]

The reason why I am here is because he said that I should check it out. He has shown me messages on here to try to help me with my issues. I feel like I would be committing adultery - though he says it is not, because I would have his consent.

[chloe]

I could separate sex and love. My husband and I do have an execellent marriage, we have been married for 22 yrs and also have an excellent sex life and that is one reason why I don't understand why he needs this as well. He tells me that it will enhance our relationship.

[warkman]

Well put AliLo. I think that's where I was headed but didn't articulate it very well.

[VegasLee]

chloe,

What do YOU want to do. That is what matters here.

You can not swing because someone else wants you to. As has been said, Swinging is NOT for everyone.

If you are comfortable with it, go for it, if not then don't. Nothing you read here is going to make you feel better about yourself if you do something you do not want to do.

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by chloe

The reason why I am here is because he said that I should check it out. He has shown me messages on here to try to help me with my issues. I feel like I would be committing adultery - though he says it is not, because I would have his consent.

Take a look through the board, checking out the various posts and topics. If you then feel it's something you would be interested in and can handle, then great! If not, well that's cool too. If you could do a search on here for "Swinging is not for everyone", you would probably get back more results than you would have time to read. No one here is going to try to "recruit" you into the lifestyle. The last thing any of us want is to hook up with a couple where the wife or husband of the other couple "freaks out" during play. If both couples aren't interested and eager, then you shouldn't do it.

Your husband suggested it, and if you aren't comfortable with it at this point in your life, then that's it.

[djjwp]

Good morning Chloe,

I have a very good idea where you are coming from. My first wife was and my second wife is very religious.

My first wife and I got into swinging without enough talking about it and that did cause issues. Long story short, after her first try, the Bible hit the floor and she was off to the races with swinging and left me in the dust. Up to that point, I was the only one she had sex with and now was playing to find out what she had missed. She forgot to bring me along on some of the adventures (this was the issue) and I felt left out, I wanted to participate. So like everyone here said, talk it out and DO NOT get into something you are not comfortable with.

My second wife is like you in that she has said she wants nothing to do with it and I do not push the issue but I have found some things she does like in the lifestyle without her even knowing it. We travel to Hedonism II where we only play with each other and do not swing with other couples. We have played around in public there as well as in our hot tub when swinger friends come over and everyone respects the others limits! This is referred to as soft swinging by most and she does not even realize she is doing it. We also only camp now at nude campgrounds and do nude beaches as we have found the folks there to be the best folks we meet anywhere. They are friendly, helpful, and social. Ever go to a public beach and sit there among thousands and never talk to anyone? That does not happen at nude beaches as people are open to talk and socialize. We found our first nude beach at Tahoe on our honeymoon and have only been back to one regular beach in 10 years, which was due to a family reunion. You may find that you have some common areas but you are going to have to look hard to find it and define just what you are willing to do.

Now to answer what I seen in the post as an implied question: “Why does he want me to do this, am I not enough?” The answer is yes you probably are. I can not answer for him why he may want to swing but I can answer why, even with the first disaster, that I want my wife to do anything she will. Look at yourself as the most precious thing you have as a possession, lets say for instance, a million dollar diamond necklace. Now you wear it to work one day and not a single person notices. How do you feel the necklace? Now a group of woman come up and ooh and ah around you and wants to try it on. They give it back and tell you how wonderful it is. How do you feel about it now? I like to do things with my wife anyway I can so that I can show the world how great she is and that she has chosen me of all people to be with.

Just my thoughts, I hope it gives you some food for thought. Poke around the board and ask any questions you want. The people her will not “flame” or degrade you for asking. Like the beaches, campgrounds, and Hedo, they will help you anyway they can and do not even know you. How many other people can you count in your life that will without judging you?

Good luck

[graygo98]

On the main point, I am with VegasLee... if your heart isn't in it, don't do it!

DJJWP (hope I got that right) also made some good points. I'm not sure I am with him on the diamond necklace metaphor, though. Sure, I suppose it does make me feel good that other people (M & F) find my wife attractive... but hey, I already knew that. More important, to me she's the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.. she's says that I'm biased, but how could that be?

For me, the lifestyle's big rush is the look on her face when she is really hot.... the crazy grin on my face when we are "dirty dancing" with another couple... the excitement we feel getting ready... the high we have together for sometimes days after. Its just another really fun thing that we have together.

[JacobSky]

Originally Posted by ALilOEverything

Hi there Chloe. Swinging isn't for everyone and if you feel it's not right for you then it's something you shouldn't be doing. Especially don't do it if you're husband is making you feel bad about it. It should be a positive experience and not something forced on someone. You can still look into it if you wish and see how others have overcome the issues you're also having. Also you should bring your husband here and read how pushing his wife into doing something she isn't wanting to do can have the opposite effect and push her away. If you get nothing else from these forums you'll learn how communication, listening, talking and understanding are key to a healthy happy marriage. Good luck to you and don't let anyone talk you into doing something you don't think is good for you or your marriage.

Wow, those were some great suggestions.

[Vantabulous]

chloe,

You mention that your husband gets very upset and that makes you start feeling bad. Let me say that you shouldn't feel bad at all. In fact, you should have steam blowing out of your ears like a tea kettle at full boil. In fact, darned near everyone on this Board should, as well, in my opinion.

No one, on this Board, or anywhere else can make up your mind for you about what is, or isn't, moral. And, please, don't let anyone, including your husband try to convince you that it's an "issue", or "issues", that you have. (I'm beginning to dislike the word "issue" for it's negative connotation as much as I dislike hearing people use "disrespect" as a verb. "Concern" sounds friendlier to me.)

I don't consider swinging immoral, and my wife and I don't swing. I have a great deal of respect for the members of this Board and I know, from spending a lot of time reading the posts, what is meant when they refer to "enhancing their relationships". Your husband is being totally unfair to you when he grabs a phrase, out of context, and tries to pass it off like a sales pitch. It's cheap, and no one out here seriously concerned about their spouse or "significant other" would pull that kind of crap (there I go again) on someone they love.

The topic of "adultery" falls into the same category as far as I'm concerned, even if I will - reluctantly - agree with your husband on that point. That, however, is my point of view and shouldn't sway you one way or the other.

The "heart and soul" of this lifestyle is about you and your husband. There isn't one couple out here, truly committed to one another, that would put their relationship in jeopardy by swinging. It's a means, not an end.

Van

[intuition897]

Chloe, tell hubby cool his jets a bit. It won't fall off. Seriously, shame on him for trying to pressure you into something that obviously makes you feel uncomfortable. I would tell him, from the bottom of your heart, how his attitude towards swinging makes you feel. Perhaps that would prompt him to share his true motivations with you. This sounds scary, but I'm sure you will find that his intentions are good ones. Build on that.

I dunno, I liked the diamond necklace analogy. I'd take it a step in a different direction though. Let's say your husband was this gorgeous strand of pearls. You fell in love with it the moment you saw it. You wore it everyday and the pearls gained more lustre from being worn every day. Eventually putting on the pearls every morning became second nature and you thought nothing of it. They were so comfortable to wear and you felt naked without them. Imagine some day another woman, a friend of yours, noticed this beautiful strand of pearls. She remarked at how lovely they were, glanced at them all the time... Feeling generous, you hesitantly let her try them on. You see how beautiful they make her feel, you know exactly what she is feeling, you see how lovely they look on her neck. But she gives them back to you because they do not belong to her. She tells you you're a lucky woman to have such a thing of beauty around your neck, and suddenly you realize just how right she is. You fall in love with the pearls all over again.

[graygo98]

Intuition

You are right....its not a metaphor... its an analogy!

But, I still don't quite buy it. Are you saying, as the diamond whatsit seemed to, that the joy in swinging is that other people finding your spouse attractive makes he/she more attractive to you? That is what I read in the original post, and it just does't describe how I feel.

You have spun it off the original point a bit, and I can relate more closely to your take on it. But, its still a bit too "other directed" for me. (BTW, you are a great writer and a very thoughful commentator. Not dissing your viewpoint at all, just have a different perspective. Or, maybe I am just a bit thick today.)

Have a great weekend, all!