husband wants me to swing

[Vantabulous]

Folks,

Don't sell it. (You're "romanticizing" based on your own feelings and/or experiences. Totally understandable, but...)

If anything, you should be telling chloe to steer clear of the lifestyle until she's made her mind up. This isn't "mainstream" stuff we're talking about.

If there's any group of people on the face of this planet that knows, it's you. Once it's done, it can't be taken back. Some can deal with that and move on (happily). Others might not (sadly).

This one scares the hell out of me...

Van

[RNDNV]

Originally Posted by chloe

The reason why I am here is because he said that I should check it out. He has shown me messages on here to try to help me with my issues. I feel like I would be committing adultery - though he says it is not, because I would have his consent...

I could separate sex and love. My husband and I do have an execellent marriage, we have been married for 22 yrs and also have an excellent sex life and that is one reason why I don't understand why he needs this as well. He tells me that it will enhance our relationship.

Dearest Chloe, I am going to take a position quite different from the rest of the board. Just b/c you think you have "a long term marriage with an excellent sex life" doesn't necessarily mean that your husband feels exactly the same. He clearly wants to spice things up a bit through what he is suggesting, and girl let's face it, he is not exactly feeling sexually monogamous right now in his attempts (and I fully agree that pressure is definitely the wrong way to go about it) to get you into the Lifestyle. But that also does not mean that he does not love you nor no longer finds you attractive. I can't believe it hasn't been said in a post before this one on this thread, but the overwhelming reality regarding involvement in the lifestyle is this quote, "the men may get the women into swinging, but its the women who keep them there (or not)."

That being said, our position is that swinging is a great thing, and in time (and by all means, take your own sweet time about it) as you explore the Lifestyle you will probably come to the same conclusion that we all have that swinging is so wonderful you'll wish you started sooner! When and if you get into this you will find out two things about the lifestyle, THE WOMEN RUN THE SHOW, and in your own relationship as it relates to your involvement in the lifestyle, YOU AS THE WOMAN IN THE RELATIONSHIP RUN'S THE SHOW! In other words, nothing happens that you don't want to happen. The most powerful women on this planet are swingers. We all have "issues," but if you are about getting past any issues you think are holding you back, the Lifestyle can be powerfully transformative.

CHLOE, IN ORDER TO SWING YOU HAVE TO BECOME A POWERFUL WOMAN! You may already be that, and if you don't think you are, then explore this Lifestyle b/c it will help you become one!

Chloe, before you even think about going down this road (and by the way, you posting here and visiting this site is an excellent start) you need to make sure of two things: one, that you own relationship is on rock solid ground and even more importantly, that you and your husband can and do communicate openly, honestly and fairly (it is so true that the swinging lifestyle can enhance a good relationship AND destroy a weak or bad one); and secondly, you need to establish your boundaries (you alone, without your hubby's imput) of what you are willing to explore, PRIOR TO EXPLORING, and NEVER, EVER deviate from those boundaries during the process of exploring (ie: the heat of the moment) no matter what "pressure" others, your hubby, OR EVEN YOURSELF, might put on you to deviate or abandon them.

Best wishes, hugs and kisses, and "come on in, the water's great!"
R&D

[chloe]

Whoa! This is Chloe's husband. She gave me her password so I could defend myself. I am ducking and weaving here.
As Paul Harvey says, "This is the rest of the story". She left out some facts that may change your previous ideas. First I would like to thank everyone who has responded to her question. You have been very nice to her and have not beaten me up too bad.
We've been together for 28 years, 6 dating and 22 married. I'm glad that she thinks as I do, that our life and communication in and out of the bedrm is great. As many husbands here on this board, I also think my wife is the most beautiful, caring and sensual person I know. How all of us guys got so lucky is beyond my comprehension. A few things about her that determines how she thinks. She was raised a Catholic in a repressive thinking household. (I'm Catholic too, so don't start the rant on me). This upbringing has definately determined her thoughts to life and sex, as our childhood does to most of us. Now I never pressured her to swing. I only got irritated at her when she wouldn't research all of the facts, good and bad. I beleive you have to look at all aspects of everything in life before you jump in. Also, when we were 25 yrs old (another major fact she left out) we had a previous MFM (which was fair at best because the other guy couldn't perform) and she (yes! she!) tried to initiate another one but nothing became of it because another mutual male friend would not participate. Sometimes she thinks these previous experiences will determine future ones. At that time we were naive and didn't know what communication and "girls rule" was all about. Actually the only thing that I've asked her to give some thought to right now is a sensual massage weekend in a controlled environment and I've always given her the option of seeking another MFM or couple, which ever she would feel more comfortable with. I don't really care about the other women thing (which one of the posters mentioned) unless it would make her feel more at ease to have a "swing sister" for guidance and support.
So those are my thoughts so go ahead and give it back to me. I can take it.
OH! PS thanks for referring to me as a pearl. Would that be cultured or natural? It must be natural, I don't think I'm that cultured yet.

[intuition897]

I'm going to have to learn to hold my tongue a bit and not jump to conclusions. Sorry if I seemed judgmental at all. I was forming an opinion based on one side of the story.

And regarding the pearl necklace analogy, Thank You for the compliment! I'm just happy to be here.. lol I think what I was trying to say with that is that when you suddenly notice other people being sexually affected by your husband or wife, you sit up and take notice where you might've otherwise taken their charms for granted. Because you see them every single day. When you invite others into your bedroom this way, yes it does become somewhat 'other' oriented. That's part of the fun of it, to acknowledge that there ARE other people out there whom we find attractive. It's a lot of fun just getting to know these people and getting a brief and very intimate glimpse of their lives. These people are not just walking sex toys, they're real live people and deserve your respect and consideration. But ultimately for us, swinging has always been about growing closer together. We're grateful to our friends for joining us as guests in our bedroom, as they've enabled us to explore aspects of ourselves that would have otherwise gone undeveloped. Likewise, we're more than happy to act as a medium by which they can enhance their relationship with each other. It's a beautiful thing

Chloe, I would encourage you to learn all you can about swinging, so that you can make an informed decision. It sounds like you've already engaged in some 3some type activity and enjoyed it. Maybe what you're objecting to is the label? I hate labels myself, but I'm proud to be a member of this 'club'. It's not something that everyone can do, it's a little bit naughty, TONS of fun, and lets face it: I'm just a natural rebel. I have a problem with authority Really I do enjoy the sense of 'rightness' about it, that I can breathe free air, not feeling like there is something that I have to keep from my husband. I don't lose any sleep over it at all. Well, sometimes we do, but that's just because we have company over Best of luck to you both.

[Vantabulous]

Well, I, for one, am still scraping whatever it is on my shoe that I stepped in where you're concerned. Like intuition, I was judgmental and, for that, I apologize.

With more of the story available, it sounds like the unsuccessful attempts both of you had at threesomes years back have only reinforced chloe's repressive upbringing. She went against "convention" and it backfired. Sounds to me like she saw it as some kind of sign, i.e. if it weren't immoral those encounters would have worked out well rather than the way they did.

For what it's worth, I'll reiterate something from my original post. Mrs. Van and I don't swing, but neither of us consider swinging immoral. It's not something that we desire as a couple is all. We live out some of our fantasies and others are earmarked to remain "unrealized" with no sense of loss. That's life and we're happy with ours.

I've got a feeling that both of you can come to agreeable terms with this situation. You sound like good folks and I wish you both the best.

Van

[Alura]

Chloe wrote:

I feel like I would be committing adultery - though he says it is not, because I would have his consent.

The devastating aspect of "adultery" is the lying and betrayal that usually goes with it. In the case of swinging, there is none of that since a couple does it together.

He tells me that it will enhance our relationship.

We won't tell you swinging will enhance your relationship, but it has done so for many members of this board. You can find a lot of threads where folks say exactly that. Whether it does the same for y'all is up to the two of you.

We would suggest reading the "New Swingers" threads together, looking for subjects that are of interest to y'all. Talk about your feelings, hopes, desires, goals in depth.

There is a Liberated Christian Swingers website. We're not sure, but believe it's something like www.libchrist.com. You might check them out.

Good luck, Chloe! ...and don't do anything you feel is wrong.

Alura

[djjwp]

Past experiences do not set you up for the future. You learn from them and move on. Sounds like both early attempts were issues from the stand point of the added person and not you two.

Try a swinger club and see what happens, if nothing else, you may have a great night out dancing and meet some of the folks here on the board if you are lucky. No club has a rule that you have to do something you don’t want to.

[mrsfreeway]

hello Chloe,
Just thought I would put my two cents in about your concerns. I was in your shoes about 2yrs ago. My husband and I had been married 11yrs when he brought up the idea of swinging. At first I was extemely upset by the idea. I truly thought he wanted my permission to cheat on me. However, he told me it was to spice up our sex life, which had become a little predictable and routine. But more importantly he wanted us to take our marriage to another level of intimacy. I told him I would have to think about it because the idea of him with another woman didn't sit well with me. He showed me the Swing Lifestyle site, along with other swinger sites he found and told me take my time. I looked up many articles on swinging and marriage---and read many good things as well as bad. But to make a long story short, the more I read the more I understood what swinging was about and over time i said we could see what it's like. We had a condition that if one of us was uncomfortable or didn't want to swing, we would stop. 2 years later, our marriage is just as great as it was when we started if not better. So only agree to swing if you are 100% sure. If you have any doubt, then you must not go ahead with it. If you should decide not to, then ask your husband why-if he gets mad at your decision. Swinging is not for everyone. My husband got mad the first time I said no to swinging, and til this day I still couldn't understand why when he brought it up to me out of the blue--how was I suppose to react---Men--go figure. We have fun now, and I am glad my husband gave me the time I needed to decide for myself. It was one of the best decisions I made. Good Luck in choice and just remember, BE 100% SURE.

[JustAskJulie]

Swinging will only enhance your relationship if both partners want to swing. And it doesn't sound like Chloe wants to swing. So far SHE has not returned to tell us that she wants to swing. Regardless of her upbringing. Many people here on thsi site have had similar upbringings and have worked past it because it was something THEY wanted to do. I don't think that is the case here. So far, everything that CHLOE has said (not her husband) has lead me to believe that he wants to swing, he wants her to swing, but it is not something she is interested in doing.

[chloe]

Well I've been reading the posts and the honesty of the posters has given me something to ponder. I'm thinking about giving it another chance, but I'm still researching this board before I make up my mind. We both talk openly about everything and copy posts from here and discuss them. It's just hard for me to open up sometimes and I think that is my stumbling block. I want to, but always hold back. Again, thank you for your help.