He says yes, I say no

[jim-n-nicole]

Originally Posted by txu

That being said, I don't see why I should be expected to buck up and take it when we are only at the beginning of our lives together (married 2 yrs). I don't think I'm closed minded about it- hell, I 've given it a shot, which is more than many wives would do! I'm not even trying to pass judgement on his feelings and choices- I'm just trying to find out if I'm being unreasonable in feeling that I'm getting the short end of the stick.

You absolutely, positively should NOT "take it" if it is not something you enjoy. And although there are some couples on here into swinging after only being married a few years, I think it took most of us much longer than that (Nikki and I didn't start talking about it until 15 years had passed!).

Reading between the lines, it sounds to me like you would have enjoyed it had he allowed you to explore sexually what you wanted to explore. But the tone has now been set, and swinging is just not gonna work.

I agree with Sexhound...someone who would hold the big 'D' over you unless you continued is not interested in your desires at all. If counseling doesn't work, there are several fine, available men I know who would put your interests as priority #1 ....and they wouldn't mind a swing-less marriage.

Good luck to you whatever you decide.

Jim.

[Rett]

txu
I've been reading your several posts above.

You ask if you're being unreasonable in your feelings and getting the short end of the stick. I must say you certainly have given a look and considered swinging and that's more than most married or single women would do. Your husband should treasure you for having enough love for him to consider his fantasy. Does your husband somehow find that your married sexlife is something that's not compatible or enough for him?

The swinging lifestyle is just not for everyone. Many men would be thankful just to have someone to love and cherish and put there fantasies on the shelf . You shouldn't have to give in to something you feel just isn't for you, just so that the husband can live out his fantasies. You are married and supposed to have the give and take of a partnership. If swinging is not for one , it's not intended to be for both.
The husband should completely drop the issue until , if at all ever, you also wish to share his fantasy. As for threats of divorce unless you give in, that borders on blackmail .

I wish you the best of luck. Please let continue to post and let us know how things turn out for you. Perhaps if the husband read the reponses on the board he would understand a little more that undue pressure can destroy what you both should have together as loving married partners.

[SexhoundDog]

Originally Posted by Rett

txu
Perhaps if the husband read the reponses on the board he would understand a little more that undue pressure can destroy what you both should have together as loving married partners.

I don't know if that's such a good idea, Rett. Some of you may remember a Tarnished Halo lady we had on some time back. She invited her husband onto the board, even got him registered, but I remember that the exchange didn't turn out pretty, as he felt ganged up against and dug his feet in with his opinion. I wonder how they're doing now.

I'm probably the harshest response to your husband, TXU, and I could care less what he'd think of my post. But, before you bring him onto the board or let him read the responses, you need to decide if this would put you into more of an adversarial relation with him or not, assuming you are trying to work things out.

[misterbates]

Originally Posted by txu

This is a fair question- I didn't think to answer it before. What I don't like about the "Swinging" I've experienced is that even my pleasure is for my husband's pleasure. If I were to say what I would like sexually (or who) other than my husband, it'd be men, not making out with women for my husband's viewing enjoyment. It's not fair because I didn't think my husband would care to see me doing the same things that he is asking to do.

What I see in swinging is a give and take in exploration and sexuality, and so I think it's fair to say that if I've been the only one giving, then it's not a good arrangement. Based on the hurt I've experienced so far, I'm not willing to put myself out on a limb and try to balance the swinging scale to change a dynamic from which I am not benefiting. I really don't care much about the social norm- I care that I am getting the raw end of the physical and emotional deal!

soapbox That being said, I don't see why I should be expected to buck up and take it when we are only at the beginning of our lives together (married 2 yrs). I don't think I'm closed minded about it- hell, I 've given it a shot, which is more than many wives would do! I'm not even trying to pass judgement on his feelings and choices- I'm just trying to find out if I'm being unreasonable in feeling that I'm getting the short end of the stick.

Have you expressed to your husband what you like and don't like about swinging and how it could work for you??

It seems to me from your posts that the two of you have not discussed this fully.I'm getting the impression that you have not expressed yourself completely to him other than to say that you feel like he's using you for his own selfish needs. If he knows how you feel(that you would rather be with men instead of women) and says NO WAY! to doing things as you want to but only wants his fantasy fulfilled I would say he's an ass and undeserving of you.You seem like the type of person who would give him his fantasy if he was more receptive to your desires.

As others have said swinging is not for everyone...but with comunication and compromise it really can be a great way for couples to connect. But if one partner puts his or her "fantasy" ahead of everything then there is gonna be trouble!!

I do think you are getting the short end of the stick from the way you describe things...but remember....Talk to him and open up about your own fantasies and desires...maybe he'll surprise you with his acceptance of your needs.....If he doesn't...then i think you know where you stand with him and you don't need our advice....

Mr B


facelick

[Chemistry_0518]

txu,
We totally agree with nearly every bit of advice given so far. in OUR experience, there have been a time or two when one of us would "Do it for the team". But that is the exception and not the rule. He has essentially made it the rule, the basis for your relationship. True swinging is supposed to be about furthering the relationship of all involved. This is definitely not true in your case. This is unfair to you and you seem to have realized that already in your comment about the one-sidedness of the current situation. This definitely sounds like it is time for counseling wherein you can get to the root of WHY he wants/needs this from you and what can be done to reach a mutually agreeable compromise.

[confunktion]

You're on the short end of the stick. Definitely.

If he is willing to get some third-party help, go for it. It's never a bad idea to have someone to talk to and get a fresh perspective. It's a great way to learn more about life and grow as a person.

All the best,

Mrs. and Mr. Funk

Originally Posted by misterbates

I'm getting the impression that you have not expressed yourself completely to him other than to say that you feel like he's using you for his own selfish needs. . . You seem like the type of person who would give him his fantasy if he was more receptive to your desires.

Does anyone have advice on ways to bring this up with a counselor? In the bible belt , I'm hesitant to talk about anything past missionary-through-a-hole-in-the-sheets-strictly-for-procreation-sex, much less swinging. We came close once to mentioning it to a counselor once and we just looked at each other for a second and skipped the topic all together.

Misterbates has got it right on the nose . . . I feel so weighed down by the entitlement and guilt that I'm just shutting down. I don't know what to say. Part of me doesn't want to spell out my desires at all b/c I don't want to give the impression that as long as I get my desires too that his methods are valid. I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me,really I'm not sure sure if I'm communicating clearly

I've thought about bringing my husband on, but I think that he would feel ganged up upon. I know it would go badly. OTOH, he said something a few days a go that made me think that he may be watching the site too. In that case, he could see the discussion without the perception that I'm pushing it in his face.

I appreciate your continued input, as I am still grappling with this subject . . .

[JnCC]

Let him go. You only have 2 years invested in this thing, and both of you obviously have some pretty strong feelings about it.

There are a million women out there who, with the right person and in the right relationship, are open to the idea of swinging. Let him go find one. My guess is that he won't be able to do it, because he has his priorities all screwed up. It goes, "relationship," then "swinging," not the other way around.

There are also a million eligible men out there who would love to meet a woman who was open-minded enough to at least consider swinging. Find one that isn't trying to live out his fantasies through your body, and take it from there.

Who was it that said "a person who's convinced against their will, is a person who remains, unconvinced still" or something like that?

[jim-n-nicole]

Originally Posted by txu

OTOH, he said something a few days a go that made me think that he may be watching the site too. In that case, he could see the discussion without the perception that I'm pushing it in his face.

Well if you haven't been clearing your Internet Explorer history after your visits, he very well could have looked up what websites you've been to and poked around enough to figure out what you've posted.

Originally Posted by txu

Misterbates has got it right on the nose . . . I feel so weighed down by the entitlement and guilt that I'm just shutting down. I don't know what to say. Part of me doesn't want to spell out my desires at all b/c I don't want to give the impression that as long as I get my desires too that his methods are valid.

Can't you be straight up with him? Tell him you might, *might* enjoy it if your desires were filled also but that you certainly don't appreciate his tactics?

There may be deeper problems with the relationship if you can summarize the problem in a couple sentences but you can't say them to your spouse.

- Jim

[dmbfan7]

Reading thru almost all of the posts on this thread. . .we must say this is NOT a healthy relationship. Communication sounds like it's broken down, which is paramount.

txu, I can attest that there are men out there that love their wives enough to put their own desires aside. I'm one of them. My wife and I are very interesting in swinging (MFM for now), but she has some REAL concerns and fears. Religion is a huge roadblock for my wife, but it isn't for me. I fully understand and respect her fears and concerns, and would never make her feel like she needed to do this just for me. I do not want her to hate/resent me or herself afterwards. The way I see it, I want her do it for herself as well, and if she's not ready, neither am I, cuz we're in it together. If it never happens, that's perfectly fine by me. I guess I just love her enough to put my own desires aside.

You're at a crossroads here, and it's unfortunate you're faced with these choices. I feel for you.

- HW/JW