Married to a non-swinger.

[Mike and Jan]

I've been around this site for years. I posted some stories and have enjoyed the forums. Really great site and really great webmistress!
What I'd like to know is just how many of you are here to live the lifestyle vicariously? I know there's got to be more of you like me.
Now I'm a perhaps a little luckier in the fact that my wife did swing with me on five occasions back in the late seventies and early eighties. In fact, with most of the couples, she obviously really enjoyed herself. But, for days and even weeks after each experience she'd be very remorseful. And, since I was on an erotic 'high' it was really difficult for me. I wanted to talk about the experiences, get horny reminiscing, and have sex even more often than we did. And, back then it was really often! It was a real bummer for both of us.
I think that part of it might have been we were both very young and our relationship was also young. But I also know that part of it was the fact she just had some problems dealing with swinging. So, I had to simply keep my desires and fantasies inside.
About six years ago we got online for the first time and I found sites like this one. I also found erotic story sites and picture sites about swinging couples. I enjoyed the experiences that the folks were sharing.
Well, I guess it was inevitable, she found out about my visitations to these sites. We discussed it and she even read a few of the stories. And, to my surprise, she suggested that I write some. Now, she made it clear that she didn't want me to write about our experiences but, since I was a writer, why not post some myself.
I did, and she came alive again reading them. It opened up a dialogue between us that we'd never had in all the years of our marriage. We shared some secret fantasies and I was in heaven. We took a nice trip to Key West for Fantasy Fest..., cybered with some folks online and even exchanged explicit pictures with one couple. But, when we finally met that couple in person she sort of panicked and became so defensive that I was embarrassed for the other couple.
So, I guess that I'm just a swinger who's married to a non-swinger. I think the biggest let down in my life was having things coming back so great, then being so disappointed.
But, my marriage is really great except for that one (albeit large one) incompatibility. It would be nice to hear from other folks in the same predicament though. Maybe we could form a support group? LOL! Seriously though, it feels better just writing this and would be great to hear from others.
Thanks,
Rich

[Compersor]

I know exactly how you feel. It is an emotional rollercoaster. You don’t know whether you’re coming or going. I refer you to today ‘s post of mine (General swingers stuff/wife loves doing mfm but is reluctant to talk about it), in which I describe a problem that is similar to yours. That is indeed a big incompatibility. In my case it detracts from the pleasure I derive from our private couplings. I just feel less motivated to have sex. Talking about it, the complicity of it all, really really sharing this experience, the communication, the high level of intimacy that is involved, it is all that which brings you closer together. And it is all the more maddening if your mate enjoys the actual event (as was the case with you and is the case with me). I don’t know what to do about it. Talking doesn’t help in my case. She just avoids the subject. I suppose I am also married to a non-swinger, albeit a swinging one. I have many times asked her if she wants to stop, because her enjoying the experience is an absolute prerequisite. But no, she doesn’t want to stop, she likes doing it and wants to continue. Yeah great, but she will not talk about it with me. And before every encounter – not that often, by the way - she gets quite jittery and tetchy and sometimes bites my head off when I ask her if she doesn’t want to slip into something sexy of wear some nice heels for the occasion. Anyway, read my abovementioned post about that. So, all things being equal, I think I am in much the same boat as you. I wish you and your wife the best of luck and hope you can work out your differences.

[Mike and Jan]

I had read your post and could relate. I think what you're missing is very similar to what I missed back when my wife and I had adventures with other couples. I'd get so aroused and excited with the anticipation, enjoy the excitement of the new people, and most of all enjoy watching my wife let go and have sex. But, afterwards I was let down because I wanted to enjoy the sex with just her for weeks too. She seemed to be too uptight to have sex for days afterwards.
And isn't that one of the main attractions to swinging? Igniting the couples passions?
Rich

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by Mike and Jan

And isn't that one of the main attractions to swinging? Igniting the couples passions?

This is a really fascinating topic that I suspect a lot can relate to who surf through here, read around with hopeful expectations and then disappear.

First off, I want to say that I appreciate what Rich is saying - that you have these interests, but you live "vicariously" through the board. More married men in your situation who do post, do so to try to impress upon swingers to help them destroy their marriage. I don't get that from you - and it is as refreshing as it is admirable.

You are right - the surprising benefit of swinging has been the communication that we have with each other (we talk about sex and swinging constantly - filling "everyday" conversations with flirtatious or outright raunchy talk) and this - along with the memories of certain playtimes - fuels what was already a very active sex life. We have moved from five times a week to frankly losing count!

It seems to me that maybe your wife, Rich, is struggling not so much with remorse as with jealousy. Maybe she would enjoy living "vicariously" with you, but can't actually handle the act of swinging. She seemed to enjoy the stories and such, so maybe if you took here to that point again - and then just backed off, letting her enjoy it right there without feeling the pressure to move forward...

Spoomonkey

[Mike and Jan]

Spoonmonkey,
Thanks for the nice response. And, I've read a lot of your posts and envy your relationship!
I think you did hit on a good point too. Jealosy and possessiveness probably are a big factor. You'd think after this many years that she'd feel secure in the fact that I'm staying with her..., that I love you and wouldn't leave her for anyone else. And, that the reason I enjoy seeing her enjoying sex with others is because I love her. And, because it's just so damn hot! LOL! You know, come to think of it, she gets upset if I even flirt with our female friends. I guess some folks are just naturally jealous.
Rich

[Compersor]

Jealousy is so irrational. There is no point in trying to understand it. I also thing Spoomonkey made good point.

[oncewere]

I understand completely. My first wife and I swung together, separtely, at parties, you name it, we loved it. She passed away and my current wife will have no part of it. I'm very nostalgic for the old life but I love her more than swinging so I'm satisfied with just being nostalgic. I do follow this site and have submitted several stories from the old days but getting together with others without her would be cheating. The last time I asked her about it she said "welllll if you really want to..... OK." Fortunately I know enough about woman-talk to know that that really means "You do it and you'll suffer for the rest of your life." lol

Hang in there and enjoy your relationship.

[Compersor]

Originally Posted by oncewere

"welllll if you really want to..... OK." Fortunately I know enough about woman-talk to know that that really means "You do it and you'll suffer for the rest of your life." lol.

Are you really sure she would make you suffer? Is there no chance she would like it if she actually tried it? Taking little baby steps at first, going slowly, a bit at a time? Conditioning is powerful, but natural instincts can be more powerful.

[furgy53]

Dear Mike and Jan,
I really enjoyed your post and I feel for you. The main difference from your situation and mine is that you at least got to experience the lifestyle when you were younger. I brought up the subject twice to my wife of 22 years and she has no interest in the lifestyle but the thing it did was that we are watching porn movies together and she is enjoying them. Will she ever swing? I really doubt it but that is ok as long as our sex life continues to improve. We have a very good relationship and I am not going to lose her over swinging. I do enjoy this site and I have met some really nice people so I will continue to visit it. I wish you luck.

Best Regards
Furgy53

[Mike and Jan]

Oncewere, loved the way you put it. But I do think that her saying that means you have the right to explore more with her. Get her to read the posts on this site as a first step! Just maybe? And, if your first wife participated have you ever regretted not making sure that your next wife would before getting married? Just curious. I know that if something ever happened to my current relationship that this would be a very major consideration in any future one.
And furgy, it's nice just to have a glimmer of hope isn't it? Right now my wife has taken even that away.

[oncewere]

Thanks for the encouragement, Compersor, but she is adamant. Won't even go along with first baby steps. She would not try to make my life miserable, she isn't at all vindictive, but it would certainly interfere with our relationship. Most important things first.

This is kind of like getting old.... when you consider the alternative, it ain't so bad. I miss skydiving too but I had my fun with it, I can be nostalgic about it too. Now its time enjoy not to have broken bones. (from skydiving, not from making my wife mad. lol)

[JustAskJulie]

Guess that explains why we haven't seen any more stories from you guys.

[Mike and Jan]

Hi Julie,
Yes, and thanks for remembering them.
But, in fairness, it's not only because my wife has decided that 'we' should curtail outside sexual explorations..., it's also because I've been busy with other writing. A couple of years ago I got my first 'teen' book published and I've got number two to be out withing a few months. So, just writing other things.
I've been thinking about writing some stories about our real adventures though. Just something to clear my mind between books two and three. And, I'll certainly send the your way.
You're such a neat young lady, Julie!
Rich

[Male_23]

This is a really fascinating topic that I suspect a lot can relate to who surf through here, read around with hopeful expectations and then disappear.

I think this definitely is the case. I have had a similar experience to that. My wife and I had some mild playing with another couple and it never went any farther, even though three of us wanted too when we finally discussed it again...My wife just wasnt intrested. Which is fine, because as I have said before my marriage is more important to me than anything that could/could not happen in the bedroom. I feel that there are alot of "Hopefulls" that once they realize their spouse dosnt feel the same as they do, jump from the site. I have enjoyed the site and still like living "vicariously" through others. For now that is fine with me, slightly frustrating but fine....

[CB_n_Red]

Originally Posted by Male_23

I think this definitely is the case. I have had a similar experience to that. My wife and I had some mild playing with another couple and it never went any farther, even though three of us wanted too when we finally discussed it again...My wife just wasnt intrested. Which is fine, because as I have said before my marriage is more important to me than anything that could/could not happen in the bedroom.

Realising that your marriage is more important is vital! Good on you!

We seem to get a lot who drop by here (both male and female) who don't quite see it that way. I fear for their relationships.

On the other hand, you never know what the future may bring. In our case my patience and non-pushiness paid off. Eventually Red started to bring the issue up again herself. No stopping her now

CB